HEY!

 Well first off, let me just say that I am pretty much in love with this YouTube channel 

So please enjoy that as often as you can.

Second,  shit. 

Thats kind of what the week's felt like. Haven't gotten much sleep, feel like I am not on top of my job, feel like I am all around being tested and flung around. Feel like my dreams are meaningful but can't figure out the meaning. Feel like I am so much bigger than this. Feel like I am so much smaller than this. 

Thats a weird feeling isn't it?  Like where do I fit, where am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to be?

meh. 

If I end up not being a therapist, can you remind me that's ok. I didn't enter this field to be a therapist, I entered to get some knowledge and continue on my journey of helping people. If this isn't the right field, I will lose interest, or run aground, or whatever. I didn't necessarily quit teaching because I hated teaching, I quit because I didn't like the field and felt it wasn't focused on the right things. Maybe social work and therapy are the same?  Maybe I should take up chanting. Maybe I should have an office decorated for me? Maybe I shouldn't care about breaking the rules or doing things "right."  

Today I sent a kid to the hospital, or rather I recommended they go. Not because I actually worried about their safety, but because I told them if they did something to make me worry, I would follow through. Not because I wanted to punish them, but because they don't realize they can scare people OR they do and they are not being held accountable. Either way, I don't think they need to spend the night in the hospital, I don't think they need to have the trust frayed... but then again, maybe that's exactly what they need?

I have no control of how they take it. Only control over my actions. I told them I would. I did. 

And yet... do I sleep easy?

Probably not. 

I went to work worried about my brother. I went to work with the gut feeling something was wrong. I went to work distracted by my personal drama... but it was a pretty good day other than the shit show and the worries...and the second guessing. 

I need a massage.  Maybe I should book one for Friday?

I need a hug.  I need sex. I need to figure out if there is something wrong with my body.

I need a beach and a retirement. A getaway. 

I don't know what I expect anymore... everything feels messy in life right now. We are going back towards hibernation, quarantine. We can always go to the office, but I also need to clean my dumb apartment. I could use a few days off. Next week. No holidays...

I dunno.