Control?

 In the mental health field, we often talk about how mental health is related to control, our response to the things we believe we should have control over, our response to the things we are aware we don't have control over... our desire to have control and how it manifests. 

Sometimes I get a weird feeling about work, a sort of ominous feeling. A nervous anticipation. I usually get it on Sundays, but today felt a little more striking. I was chalking it up to a couple of things I have going on tomorrow, and also the fact that I spent much of this weekend sleeping and socializing (unlike me), and maybe didn't have enough "down time." I still think this is the reason I was feeling off. I think the impending election, and the shift in day light hours probably adds to it. I think the cold with winter coming, my loneliness and the horoscopes that keep telling me I will meet someone soon, are all adding. 

Tonight I got one of those texts. Those ones where everything is fine, but it could have been different. Teenagers are impulsive. I never know how to respond. Should I respond with my actual feelings? the fear and anger, the hurt and confusion? Should I put that aside and say thankyou for informing me? Should I send them a meme or a funny video?  There isn't really anything to do. 

People do what they will do.

And if I am grounded in this reality, then it is as fragile, harsh and sometimes unforgiving as it appears. 

I've been wrestling with that idea this weekend. The idea that when I meet people I actually assume the best, give them the benefit of the doubt, always assume better -even when they tell me otherwise. It gets me in trouble and leaves me shocked, disturbed, broken. It's not naïveté, it's a choice. I was thinking about how M basically told me over and over and over that she was this way, and I always chose to believe she could be otherwise. Not a savior thing, in fact, I find I am still believing this, hoping despite all evidence, that maybe she actually will work through her shit in the relationship she is in now. Not because he's worth it, but because maybe she'll realize that she is. I knew all along she could hurt me, throw away our relationship, do a million stupid things, and gave her the opportunity because that's who I want to be. 

Its hard because I keep thinking about the future and whether I will have better boundaries with the next person, maybe less people pleasing, but I can't imagine it ever working if I don't assume the best. 

But it gets me in trouble. How ignore the evidence in front of me sometimes. The alternative is that I am cynical and suspicious of everyone. I have lived that way and it sucks. It certainly isn't helpful for building relationships or working with people. 

But when it happens. When someone I love or care about hurts themselves or me... what can I do with it? Where should I turn with the fear? The pain? the confusion?  I can rationalize with the best, I can say my prayers, I can write my poems and my journal rants. I'll have to let go just like with anything else. 

This is not in my control, only my response. Only what I choose to believe.