Morning

 

Waking up.

I got a massage yesterday and got super beat up. It's funny because I don't actually like that kind of massage, but the entire time I was aware of how tight I have been and how even in the moment I could feel things getting more loose. This morning I am all achy. 

My head is a certain amount of foggy this morning, my temperature is all off. It's sunny but cold. Do I need my happy light if I sit by the window? 

I was thinking about a prompt someone had written on social media, about what would the ideal holiday meal look like for you. I think it's funny because I don't actually like the holidays, I haven't really liked big gatherings or parties, or dinner parties.  How did that come about?  I think the holidays remind me of high expectations and not knowing how to manage the feels with my family. In high school and college I looked forward to parties and gatherings, but ended up taking care of other people and not always having fun myself. Most recently, my biggest dinner party experience was ruined/shifted by news I couldn't process in the moment. It feels like all my attempts to bring folks together, has led to me losing myself... so maybe it makes sense why I avoid them?  What would I want?  I would want to have all my friends and close loves join in a space and enjoy each other without drama. For people to enjoy the meal, or the game, or the music. To make art or have a creative project.  

I am often envious of friends who enjoy social gatherings, or who bring folks together in that way. My roommates used to do that all the time, and I really liked being able to be part of it, without having responsibility. I miss people. But my response to other's feelings is to try to control/help... and that doesn't work well in gatherings because at least for me, where do I go?  Where is my fun and enjoyment...

Im usually the guy who goes to a party, finds a person they genuinely want to talk to and then leaves with or without that person and spends some time winding down. Weddings are the most significant example of this. I left both James and Pete's wedding a little early because I needed the space. 

Work. 

The type of work I do requires constant vigilance against falling into traps. I over think, and over feel, and that is my issue. A lot of people remind me that my instincts are good, and I should just act. But I have the same anxiety traps as the kids, I get stuck in indecision, or second guessing. The role of therapist requires a certain amount of joining, and a certain amount of distancing, and the balance is tricky. Don't do for them, but don't allow them to stay stuck in their shit. The ideal is to create the situations in which they decide for themselves that they are ready for change, but stuff like trauma and attachment wounds can royally fuck that up. For me, I often get lost in the understanding of why people do the things they do, without remembering that having a reason doesn't make it right.  But what is right?

Family roles and the intergenerational process

I know this journal blog must read soooo repetitively. I think it's a good snap shot of my mind, how it carries away on some topics more than others. I don't think I've written a single post about sports, cars, or fashion except as a sociological study or to critique their place in society. I am guessing there are a million subjects that have never once come across these pages... no, my mind trips on relationships, growth, hurts and healing, occasionally creativity, daily life, education, society, roles, and morals. It tries to understand me, and my relation to the world. It tries to understand everyone around me, and why my heart and stomach respond to them the way they do. 

I am often thinking of the intergenerational process or family lately, namely, what is my role and work to do?   This comes up because of work, and it comes up because of love, and it comes up because of the feeling of obligation, and it comes up because of my lack of community. Where did I learn these things? family.  

Ali called James and I out on not doing our part. I think James and I are both responsible enough to name our own bullshit, but the conversation sucked because when you turn it around and ask what is everyone else doing to meet our needs, they get all self righteous.  I won't say too much about James' stuff, but it sucks that since he was a teenager he has been asking my Dad to acknowledge and respect certain boundaries/values, and my Dad and Colleen just haven't. They get stuck. My Dad avoids things. Colleen gets passive aggressive or plays victim. Meanwhile, James or myself just continue to have to stand our ground and stay true to our values in the face of opposition. 

I guess I don't see it as impacting me nearly as much as it used to, but the thing that bothers me now is the victim response, and the avoidance. I see my Dad doing this again with his lawn mowing business. He wants something for himself or to pass down, ok, but at what cost?  It comes off as a weird subconscious passive aggressiveness. He believes this thing he is doing will create a better outcome for himself, but the reality is that it only pushes him further away.  I guess it reminds me of M taking on more and more work, she would ask in one minute why we don't take time off and go some where for the weekend, and then book several appointments every Saturday or Friday night. Similarly, it is my Dad not trying to work things out with the people, but listening and then going his own way. It is my Dad leaving the family -his family of origin, and then his created family, because he didn't actually like the role he was asked to play, but couldn't do anything about it... so he left instead. 

Ali and Steve are our drama, and so when they are not entertaining or being dramatic, the family has very little to focus around. Their role as the babies of the family (and the drama) has shifted to the actual babies in the family, but with quarantine it has made that complicated. Ali is right, the family is falling apart. Maybe it should? We don't have relationships. We have roles. Ali says "I don't even know what you do for a living." and she is probably right, is there room to ask instead of playing out a role?

Same with Steve, I love my brother but he creates a dynamic where other people have to take care of him and then he rebels against them. Thats bullshit. If he wants a relationship, he needs to put effort into building a relationship. You can't rant about conspiracy theories or basketball for 4 hours and then expect the other person to feel good about it. He needs to acknowledge his stuff or he is right, there isn't a relationship. He often says that he wants people to accept him for who he is rather than trying to change him, and I think that's a great goal but then you have to find the people who are interested in the same stuff, you can't just expect everyone to hop on board your next hyper fixation. 

Steve and my Dad to some extent point to my mom's stuff. This week I wrote to her "I probably need to figure out how to be angry with you." and she validated that -but of course, in a way that I felt like I needed to sooth her. I probably don't notice her manipulation, I see it as a person who has worked through their shit and is addressing it in a healthy way. She validated my need, and acknowledged that it also sucked for her. I don't need to drop my stuff to validate her hurt...   but I do.   Why is it hard for me to be angry with her?  I don't have any major examples of her being cruel or disappointing me. I have many examples in which she was too spacey, or too tired, or didn't understand. These things are part of every day life, why should I expect anything different?  Or maybe it is that I needed to rebel against her, to be angry, not to have her tell me "be angry." Maybe she was too understanding of my situation? I don't know. Ultimately, I am in some ways too much like her understanding side, and not enough push back. I am the avoider that my Dad is. 

The theories say that a child is born to take on the work their parents could not do for themselves. I should be dissatisfied with their work and later grateful or able to acknowledge they did what they could... but the way it plays out is that I am proud of my mom and wish I had a life more like her -without wanting to take her stuff directly (I need to build it myself to feel confident and proud). And I am upset with my Dad for not being conscious of his own stuff. I am forgiving of James for doing what he can. I am frustrated with Steve. And Ali? I wish she would create her own family to remedy the bullshit she was born into. 

Me? I would like to love someone and have them love me back. Not a caretaker relationship based on worry and insecurity, but one in which we both do our work separate and together. 

But what will I do this weekend to make that happen?

Laundry... maybe a little art or reading, computer games? scrolling on social media?

it's a pandemic. Some of us are dying, the rest are hiding.