Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Melissa really helped me by listening to me vent about this already... but we were watching this movie called the last kiss, which wasnt a terrible movie or anything but i was angry at the storyline and the main character so much throughout the whole movie.... probably because I saw myself in him and probably because i have such a hard time with the concequences of things people do selfishly...

Now i must say, according to both the women I loved, I cheated on them (at least their feelings)...

bu the movie was about this guy who loved this woman and was having a baby and she loved him, and they were good... but he kept going and screwing it up (by cheating) because he felt so "trapped"

and I know that feeling, but I would never do that... I hate that, I HATE THAT.

and I was telling Melissa that I think its because of my dad, and I think its incredible how anyone who's parents cheated could go and cheat themselves... because to me it brings up such incredible feelings of pain and such incredible concequences to those you love... I cant get over that...

The father in the movie said something about how it doesnt matter how much you love a person, your love is for you, its what you do with that love, its the actions that you do that affect those you love that count for them... and its true.

I loved becky, I loved alexis, but to them I was cheating and I couldnt understand it. In either case or I wasnt able to change for either of them... but I would never have kissed or had sex with another woman, I barely looked at women... I was so happy with them...
and still my actions... weren't trustworthy to them

Anyway, its such a strong feeling that even now part of the reason I wouldnt even think about dating anyone is because I know it would hurt Lex, and she isnt even talking to me (plus as far as I know -or at least as far as I will ever find out, she might as well already be with someone else)

but another point in the movie was that when you care about someone you dont stop trying... and i think thats a strange point, because that can not only be unhealthy in the short run, but it can also be a really bad long term strategy... I think its that if you are being true to yourself (first) and are capable of forgiveness, of patience... then try until you cant...
And thats where I tend to be with all my "failed" relationships.... I didnt give up on any of them permanantly, I still try, I just am (A) making sure im being true to myself and (B) doing what I can without placing my interests ahead of theirs... or doing what I can when I am capable of doing it.
I guess it should be said that being true to yourself doesnt mean acting on your impulses, but acting on what you know to be good... to be responsible... to keep to your true self rather than your whims....

but it makes me really wonder when it is that we are all suddenly ok.... because I see my housemates, my friends, my loves, I see them and knowing myself... I dont feel like any of us are there... and thats a bit discouraging. do you love and hope that the continued process of change will keep you on the same path? or accept (as some do) that we should not tie ourselves to one person, assuming one situation, one path...

questions...