Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I was woken up today by my little brother walking in to my room and deciding he needed to give me a hug. -of course alarm set in, but he quickly tried to calm me by saying that it was just a brother thing... then as he was leaving he said, "Mom said something about your chest being more thick" or something odd like that. -of course in my own head I was hearing -"Mike Mom says you have gained weight and I wanted to see how pudgy you were..." if this werent bad enough, over the break and thanksgiving break, I have heard something like 10-12 comments on my weight from family members. If that werent bad enough, less than a year ago I sent them all an e mail (while in europe struggling to deal with 2 friends in serious trouble because of eating disorders) the e mail in a semi detailed form, discussed how since I was a small child I have been dealing with feelings of inadequacy, feeling self conscious about my weight, the way my body looked, feeling like I wasn't man enough -nor woman enough. wasnt as slender as my brother, wasnt as thin as the image of myself in my head demanded. noted how it was a factor in my disgust of food, how i used my normal pickiness to reject meals i could have and sometimes wanted to eat. How I would basically starve myself for 12-18 hours and then binge. How this went on from the time I was 10 to when i went to europe the first time. how even then and even now I worry about it, struggle against it. my mom and dad have each commented about my waist size when buying me pants. When i told my mom and grant i weighed between 165-175 (a pretty normal weight, a pretty hard weight for me to be ok with) he said, na mike you weigh more than that, -and i know he was just trying to make my mom feel better because they have both been dieting and she just lost a lot of weight, but I wanted to show them right then how I wear two pairs of pants and two shirts and thats why my limbs look big, not because im fat. and im cold all the time, and my joints hurt, and they all fall asleep when i sleep or sit in any position too long. my dad keeps asking me to go walking and hiking with him, and i try to see it as his way to bond or something, but i feel like its just his way to say "you need to exercise more mike" everyone is constantly saying "you've really filled out." "you look healthy" "you look bigger than you used to be" and I know what they mean, and that they mean it positively, but somewhere in me i am hearing "you're fat" and I been fighting feeling it, i been trying not to let it get to me, but it was a little too much today - I eat a meal (two) a day people what the fuck do you want? and now im crying when i should be doing my homework. and i realize sometimes that i really dont think skinny people are attractive anymore... and the ones who are, are only because i love their personalities.... but i still want to be skinny.... and im so sick of these thoughts.