Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

A lot of people have been telling me they think about suicide lately... I don’t, I think about things like castrating myself or horribly disfiguring myself ... because that would centralize the focus of the problems... with a narrowed focus, things would be in perspective, were I castrated, I might not have to think about sex anymore... that'd be nice, or were I totally horribly disfigured I could deal with it, by accepting that I am on my own, and stop thinking about a future with a wife and kids and what not.... (this is not to say that people who are "different" don’t have possibilities like the rest of us, but perhaps i could just use it that way) of course I don’t want any of these things to happen. I really don’t want them to happen to me or anyone I know...
And in some ways I think it’s creepier and more severe than suicide, despite the still living thing, living with permanent loss and of course this is unrealistic and these things would bring on more problems, medical concerns, self esteem etc. but I really do feel sometimes that i am just juggling things that i care about, paying attention one moment and dropping it the next, I was never a good juggler, and it'd be nice to have one path -one focus.


A few days ago, I tried to take all of my emotions and bundle them up nice and turn them in to something beautiful - but it wasn’t beautiful, because it was selfishness in the guise of selflessness. But having realized that, I find myself with no where to turn no other options, and that is a most infuriating thing. I find myself thinking things I don't normally think, feeling things I don't normally feel, and it makes sense why no one would choose to allow this kind of effect on their life.