Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

for the record....

Lex decided today that she didnt want to talk to me anymore... i think this may be it.

I understand this decision from her point of view, I don't agree, but I'm left with that same feeling I have had before, that I did what i could, so though regrettable, its out of my hands...
and this alleviates "some" guilt and frustration on my part... but the underlying problems with conclusions that do not include understanding, patience and forgiveness, always cause me to doubt, always cause guilt.

She asked me if it didnt mean anything as we parted (via phone) and I replied that I was only respecting her wishes as I had always tried to do. But there was a part of me that felt like the person i was losing (at that moment) was not the same as the person I had already lost. I dont know if thats a denial or a truth.
But whats funny is that, the way I make it all seem ok, is by remembering the connection that had formed, is.
-and my greatest disappointment in the whole thing, is that shes too frustrated to see and share that.


and so we both move on in different directions but holding very different baggage, and though i feel relatively calm about that now... history shows me that despite the calmness, I will hold it tight and I imagine it will be much like other situations where the progress (in my mind) is not measured in how well they are actually doing, but rather in the form of parting...
Which is so sad, because I want to see her happy but for all the happiness I ever hear or see, I will judge differently. This is an egotistical delusion i have always harbored and take rather seriously... causing more than one person to look at me with shock when I explain the regretful passing of time in situations that had not concluded well (despite their current situation)

- luke, foulkes, my parents, extended family, nikki, ali, and so many others who i failed, trying or not, my fault or not.

I said the letter was selfish, and it was... me clinging to hope that things would get better, when faced with what will probably be eternal questioning as the latter option.

This may seem confusing... I claim to be open, not easy.