and because no one reads this anyway, and i use it to archive my memories... of which i have little to no realistic memory... (meaning i dont remember things the way they happened)

grades for the 2006 fall season

A- in asia
A in systems
A in war
A in soc methods
B- in speech (still trying to figure out how this happened)

oh and a big fat F in anth methods even though it should be an A because templeman hasnt put in the grades yet...

its funny though because i couldnt even remember what classes I had taken when i was writing this shit down like 2 minutes ago.


on other notes...

Scanner Darkly is pretty awesome... as is when the levees broke

um i have like 25 things on my list of things to do and dont want to leave my room...

On the death penalty


With the death of Saddam, I saw people cheer, I saw dancing on TV, I saw people take shots.
Now to some extent I can understand people celebrating at the death of a dictator after living under his repressive regime, but it strikes me as odd that they would do so even now while living under the fear of not knowing whats next for their country, or even what is currently going on.

As for the Americans, What did Saddam ever do to you?
Can/should one be happy at the death of someone who causes destruction?
Is that ok morally?
As far as I am concerned Saddam is not really responsible for American deaths in Iraq, but do other people think he should be?
If the war were really about removing a dictator, is he responsible for all fighting after his removal?

I dont know... I still see Saddam as a puppet, sure a little crazed, but a regional dictator held in by countries that oppose him seems better to me than chaos that inspires fear in its neighbors.
When Lebanon sank in to chaos Isral, Syria and the United States all invaded to secure it and ended up promoting different factions that lead to further choas... I see parallels with iraq right now.

As important as 9/11 and Iraq are, if you really want to be upset and frustrated with the way things are going in the US watch Spike lees "When the Levees Broke"

Despite being a fairly informed person, I really had no idea. When they say things like 80% of a city under water, some how it doesnt hit you what that means, what it means in terms of people suffering...

Kanye was so right to say the things he said -if nothing else because it sent a message, it said something...
anyone who did anything to try to make things better.

I wrote me a song this morning


Its probably no good, and thats ok, because I think i wrote it to get me to think positively about some things...

like for instance, one really must love that annoying ass sound of a garbage can being brought to the curb in the snow and ice... it makes the normal shitty garbage can noise, plus drags along the ice and snow and sounds like someone grinding your eardrums under their shoe or something... maybe that isnt true... but one really must love that sound no? you dont get to hear it too often no more... its like someone mowing the lawn while you are sleeping... everyone does shit at whatever time it is best to piss you off... and really since you have no reason to be irritated and they are only going about their business you gotta kind a laugh, take it in, feel its goodness, and then say "damn, it may not be my favorite noise, but certainly is something." and something is good no?

my camera still isnt working.

saw rock and melissa today, rachel and becky were not available, alicia did not pick up.
I also saw zach and hollie, at a really noisy bar... and zachs girlfriend suddenly became friendly with us when she realized we were making fun of zachs college friends, and i had to tell her that normally i am only a self righteous prick on things like morals and politics and what not, but today i was making an exception because these st thomas kids are silly.
but then me and hols ran off before saying goodbye.

I realized the beauty of 311's transistor cd again for the 100 millionth time... it is just so positive, and so spiritual and cosmic and karmic, and even the songs that are a little creepy or songs like "what the fuck was i thinking?" have a point to them... a good point.

hopin to see aimee and gabs again and illy soon. i realized that within a few days i will be pretty much on my own for shit to do... everyone will be gone. its depressing and i cant imagine how illy or steve or lex have done it, but they are strong people, and if i can figure out even half of that i will do aight and get some shit done.

I think i am off, to watch a horrible movie...

i forgot to mention yesterday/this morning the differences between my gramps church and my normal stuff, but maybe it doesnt matter, its all incense clouds and fancy capes and rituals and shit. but his church also has a number of african people which is awesome.

I went to bed 6 hours ago, feeling hurt, angry, frustrated, depresses and self righteous. After an hour or so of struggling with my dreams they kicked my ass in to realizing thats not who or what I want to be. Some things arent about us, despite what we may feel. Im not sure if this dizzyness/fever is an effect of whatever demons I been fighting or the food I ate today or the impending flu or whatever. But I'm not gonna spend my life angry at people i care about for being human.


I talked briefly to my mom's brother today on the phone (LA). He has been in a severe state of drug dependency for probably 3 decades. He can't walk from what I know, sometimes he cant talk. About 10 or so years ago he got married and had a daughter, and every time I hear about him, I hope his wife and child will leave him. I cant imagine the pain he is causing them as everyday he chooses death and each day he lives through it.
I asked him how he'd been, and he said not too good. A few days ago my mom told me he had said that he probably wouldnt be around for christmas. But when I talked to him I couldnt say today is the day Chris, its not over yet, start over, because although I wanted to, I didnt have faith in him anymore. Why? I gave the phone to my mom after two minutes of conversation and wanted to cry. I told my little brother, how he sounded the same. Steve said he was probably on something.

My grampa has been fighting with one of his sons for about 15 years. They havent talked. It has kept them from important events in eachother's lives, and perhaps more, from the relationship between my grampa and his grandchildren. I dont know what changed, but my grampa is going to my cousins wedding in a few days... flying across the state of south dakota to see one of my more shady cousins, a shotgun wedding because his fiance is pregnant. A year ago he missed the happy celebration of another one of my cousins. I dont know what has changed, but there is a little hope there.

My grama died on Christmas Eve many years ago, but most of us had other things to do then sit around with my grampa yesterday. Obligations to ourselves and others, and my grampa mourns his lost wife while we celebrate.

I dont know why, but I often cry when I pray or take communion now. I guess the thought of being worth something means a lot. but most often I tell God I would rather he stand by the people I care about and shine some light in their lives than forgive me. or at least that in forgiveness I hope that maybe I can help direct that shining light back on them.

My dad and I talked for approximatly 4 hours each way... and of course I am a talker. We got home and steve was there and I said to him "well you get to listen to one of your talkative kids babble for 4 hours and now another one" Colleen assured me he enjoys it.
When you talk to my dad you have to practically yell sometimes, it means a lot of water to sooth the throat.

We went hiking on the way, both of us aching from inner wounds and I imagined that my dad was more proud of me than he had been before, because I could not only keep up -but lead on the trail. And I wondered why it mattered so much.

My mom and grant got steve a big poster of himself. It was really expensive, and counted as his "big gift" as the family caretaker and worrier i spent the rest of the night wondering if the seemingly annual frustration between Steve and my Mom was about to arise. They just dont seem to see eye to eye on things like presents. But steve assured everyone he loved the poster.

We watched North Country which is sort of a hard movie to watch, and then I read something that was a hard thing to read. but even before that -none of my presents were calling out to me. none of it seemed exciting, and my camera isnt working so i couldnt see the pictures from the last few days. I think i have become picture dependent. a lot of people hate them, and wish i would stop, but i think its sort of amazing each and every time.

My dad said something about me not being very material when we were shopping. I told him i spend more money than most people, but i think its true that once i get those things i save them and dont need more... I dont go looking to spend money very often. i dont get a thrill out of most shopping things... but i do buy a lot when i get on a roll....but hell i am certainly materialistic, right now im considering buying a video camera and a cell phone -i need new glasses, i need an oil change. i got 7 new cds a couple days ago (although a few are used).

Steve got me and james the same shirt, the same shirt he was wearing today. we looked silly... funny thing is-he was looking for the ugliest shirt he could find, and its totally my style. sort of kurt cobain-ish.

5 of my cousins are pregnant, i never really thought my grandparents would be around for my grandchildren, the hope seems a little far. but my gramps will be a great grandparent 6 times over by this time next year.

I learned my cousin works for Mary Kay, an organization Lex helped me understand a little bit more. But although Lex told me about the inspirational stuff they try to do, she didnt tell me about their very Christian stuff... or maybe its just my cousin. She was the validictorian and graduated college in three years... then started selling Mary Kay (something you dont need a degree for) so we were all a little skeptical, but apparently she is the third biggest director in the country now, lives in a huge house, has enough to send 5 kids to college or something... she gave a speech at their national convention and it sounded like a sermon. Its funny that I am all about living with God in daily life, but not mentioning the specifics of the religion. I imagined all the people in the crowd who were not religious, and how terrible that must have been.
If I had known I would have stopped to see her in Omaha with Lex, when we went to Texas, but I wasnt aware of these things, and I think the fundamentalist christian stuff comes off a bit strong. Still wouldnt have hurt to make the connection.
For the speech they did my cousins makeup and hair, and she looked really silly, but what was great as that within moments you sort of saw through it, she really still has some shine to her, a mother and business woman, a inspirational christian speaker, the makeup didnt do her justice but vibrance was still there.
I always tell Ashley Ericson my cousin looks like her, and the resemblance is still there.

I didnt get Julie anything, I guess I didnt realize i was supposed to, but then I told James that
I would buy them dinner somewhere, Actually I honestly didnt know who was coming to dinner, or what the schedule was. I didnt even get Grant his present on time, thinking that Alcohol was available in SD, not aware of the date or day of the week... they drop us from school with very few days to get things done.

Man i am listening to depressing music, I should go back to sleep, its 6:30 AM... i was feeling sick in bed, and feeling anxious to correct implications of earlier thoughts and statements.

Henry (a counselor i saw a year ago) told me i do far too many things that hurt me for the sake of others, for possibilities of connection, for healing of relationships... doesnt he know its worse to sit around feeling angry and frustrated when you know you are capable of making it better?

I gladly take on a few nights of crying for the possibility of a few years of openness.

There are certain things that hit really hard. Even without comfirmation. I wanted to call, I'm not sure I will anymore.
i guess its time to change my desktop background.

Tomorrows supposed to be a good day. Maybe I spend my time worrying for nothing.

Despite the fact that I am Christian and openly celebrate the birth of Christ on this made up day... i thought it might be fun to highlight some other thriving religions...

FSM

IPU

CSG

S

What the deals yo?

So Im sitting at home, waiting on some calls, plan is -to see most of my homies tonight -then leave manana for sioux falls (my dad wants to stop and go hiking on the way-weirdo)
anyway. then be back for xmas -hang with the 3Bers 26th 27-28 homies then do homework and study for the math test along with seeing everyone who aint just around for a week

life is fairly simple sounding for me.

_________________________________________________________

um wondering how lex is all the time- since the last time i talked to her. But im not sure if i should call.

________________________________________________________

my little brother found the best cd ever, its called fade to bluegrass and consists of metallica songs done bluegrass style (better then you are thinking)

_________________________________________________________

So far i have 3 x mas gifts for people... which means a lot of shopping in sioux falls.
unfortunately i dont have time to anything there, what with fam and what not.

_______________________________________________________

its been too long since i had a little color in this blog, hope you enjoyed it.
peace and happy holidays.

a note from my brother james:
Friends,

I wanted to let you know about my new job.

Today from 6-9 was my first shift. I got there a bit early to get my uniform on, and met the boss and the new owner. I'm working at the new Sheraton Hotel in Minneapolis.

My job?

I am Randy the Raccoon! I got a big suit, a big fake head, and fake hands and feet (only 4 fingers on the hands). I am not allowed to talk or take my head off in front of people. Mostly I shake hands, give hugs, and take pictures. The highlight of today was when the German guy and I danced for a second.

Ok, so it was a one time gig (although they did ask if they could call me next time, which of course I said yes to), but it did happen and it was amazing.

Here is what I learned:

1. THose suits are ridiculously hot, my entire body was sweaty and gross by the end.
2. Drunk girls who are missing teeth LOVE Randy the Raccoon
3. I don't know about when, but long term, college is probly worth doing.
4. White male bosses should not make fun of the accents and english speaking ability of Latina room cleaners.

Much love,

J

I dont have much on there yet, maybe over break, but introducing the Mayor Of Metro City

well 3 papers and 2 tests to go!! 1 week and a half.

Ever since I read about queue for asia class... I have really wanted to do it... maybe next year. I dont know why but i have been really wanting to cut my hair, just to fuck with it... it must be time to do something... may have to braid it.

I really need to sign up for next months test. where to take it?


hmmm i spent the whole weekend doing things that were not homework related and now am screwing my group (halfway through a paper i was supposed to send them by this morning).

the first time I heard Regina Spektor was in germany i think... i saw a video and thought, "yeah, shes cool, but I wont buy any of her stuff probably..."
the other day I was writing a paper and someone on KUMM played this song and I stopped typing to listen to it, then waited patiently through the next two songs to hear who it was that had written such a beautiful song....
Some of her videos are really creative too. I been having a hard time not watching them for the past three days

Watched 2 hours (the shortened version from the real 19 hour) Chinese opera The Peony Pavillion last night... it was good and interesting and beautiful at times, but really long and a bit annoying when they talk...
oh asia class, what will i do when im done with you?
probably not read anything about asian history for several years...


On other notes... im working on a project it includes taking pictures around morris.
that is all i can say right now

Also my war class presentation is tomorrow 30 minutes of video games and non stop entertainment (until it stops at 30 minutes)
Im really worried we wont have enough material.... back up= letting audience play...

TONIGHT IS THE DISCUSSION ON WOMEN topic INTERNATIONAL ISSUES speaking ME and my arch nemesis who went to India with me. What will we talk about? who knows... I was thinking of talking about the veil... because of the thing in the netherlands...
the most liberal country in the world wants to make wearing veils that cover everything but the eyes illegal...

but we will probably talk about lots of things... come its at 6:00 I think in allum room ... but i will check on that...

im so cool, im so cool, im so cool...
(if you dont get that you didnt check out the link....)


anyway. probably up all night making a power point. adding videos and pictures and screen shots and comments and clips and clothes pins, crips and closed things.

"Why fight for a friendship if you cant make something stronger work?"

Why fight for a relationship of any kind if my friendship isnt even good enough...


-because I care.

Some bright morning when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away

I'll fly away oh glory
I'll fly away (in the morning)
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

When the shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls I'll fly
I'll fly away

Oh how glad and happy when we meet
I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet
I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away

dave says "dont burn the day away" but i find myself sitting more and more full of self pity, and facebook stalking... if thats not bad enough thats just where the obsession starts...
I alternate between worrying about homework and wondering about Lex for like 12 hours at a time.
i dont know what I want... Im gonna stop talking about it after this.
I need to make some changes, I dont know how necessarily but it needs to happen because i cant keep doing this and not getting anything done... at least melissa helpfully suggested that some of us play scrabble tonight, cuz that gets me doing something... maybe i need to be on campus more or go to the library... its sucks everything involves computers...

it must be the red car syndrome...


to finish the song...
"Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?
Staring down at the ground
Oh, then complain and pray for more from above,
You greedy little pig,
Stop, just watch your world trickle away
Oh, it's your problem now
It'll all be dead and gone in a few short years
....
Love, love, love, what more is there?
'Cause we need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head, and dry your eyes, let the love in there
The bad times, well that's okay,
Let's just look for love in here, yeah"
~pig

well im alone lonely and tipsy so heres some videos i made over the summer

athens riots 1

athens riots2

Im starting to lose it, I dont know why, maybe its that thing about denying cravings, they just get worse... maybe its the pictures, the lack of any new stimulus, im starting to lose it though. I mean how many post have i written alone this week. and its not keeping me from getting things done, I already did my asia homework for monday, and had a meeting where we set out the outline for our presentation on fri today... I plan on hitting up some of that soc methods stuff or the other papers im working on currently... but cant shake the thoughts....
If it were anyone else right now I would say, there is a reason you are feeling so strongly, life, or god, or the energy of the world is trying to tell you something... but i assume im just feeling lonely.

Dreams are fun


Here’s a break up song by John Frusciante "far away"

"I cant disguise the things I do,
and things I say have a way of hurting you
I'm over there
These dreams are all I have left
I've nothing to spare
I cant pretend to be who I'm not
and there are things you need from me
I haven’t got
no way but to end
pick up the pieces of our lives
and maybe love again
there's only one way for things to be
between you and me"

Anyway I’m not so sure what he means by "there’s only one way"
In my dreams I hang out with all three of my ex girlfriends despite the fact that two of them wont talk to me. It seems natural and normal and exciting as it had been, no wonder I love dreaming so much. I wish I could have offered more to them, and in my dreams I can. Meeting up for rendezvous’ discussed or promised years ago, like a homecoming, like a return to your mamma’s belly.

I always felt a strong connection to some of slug’s lyrics on Lucy Ford, “to Ann Landers, to Ani Difranco to orphan Annie, I love all women, but most of em just cant stand me.”
I remember thinking at 4 years old that I would never get to connect with all of them, and it hurt. it was the preschool where I met my best friend, and several others, two of them were beautiful girls, inspiring, exciting. My mom thinks I should marry one of them (probably still to this day) I always thought she was Pete’s girl by geographical location (they were neighbors).
More and more I feel disconnected from the possibility of meeting all those women, more and more likely to feel like friends, to make a weak acquaintance, more detached from those who I have loved as a friend or more. More incline to believe that despite my ability to seemingly randomly meet the most beautiful women in the world, and for them to like me some how, I will screw it up eventually, or they or I will awaken to the reality that things aren’t working… but not in my dreams… no, in my good dreams things are always the way its supposed to be.

The reawakening of senses.

Its sort of amazing, how different things are when your nose is suddenly unstuffed or suddenly clear, or suddenly able to smell things that it couldnt just minutes before. Twice lately I have walked in to our kitchen, well aware that something was cooking from walking in the door of our house, and upon getting to the kitchen suddenly felt overwhelmed with smell... to the point of being light headed, to the point of being nauseous. it wasnt that what they were cooking was awful.. it was normal, spaghetti i think both times... I can normally handle that.

Now all of you know how picky I am, well a huge part of it is because of smell... texture and sight too... but smell is the one that gets me the most.

Its amazing what being stuffed up in a room will do. Its amazing how we can become so unaware of what is going on. Of what we are sensing, feeling, of what others are going through. And its now, when im mostly alone, spending hours doing homework by myself, up at odd hours, feeling unable to connect when i realize all the things im missing, and the realization is a bit overwhelming.

I miss her and can’t do anything about it. Both because she told me not to and because it would be making things worse for me. I’m overwhelmed as it is, questioning whether I will finish classes, getting behind, disappointing peers, professors and myself. The calendar I made has all these blank spots, but they aren’t really blank, because I have a class I haven’t even started yet, and most of the events take two to three days of research.
I woke up at 2:00 AM this morning and have been up since doing homework…. But that’s never true entirely is it…. Cuz when I’m doing homework, 99 % of which is done on the computer (typing or researching) I take breaks to check e mail, to update messages, to look through pictures, to keep my spirits up.
Tomorrow is the last open mic of the semester, and like every other one this year I keep thinking I will go and read some stuff. Got some poems ready… but most likely I will do what I have been doing, not chickening out, more getting disgusted with the whole process and feeling far too frustrated to go through with it like I believe in the whole thing. Then I will watch as others perform well, and reassure myself that A) it was ok that I didn’t perform, because those people were better and B) I’ll do it next time…
Semesters go by.
Today I realized by next semester I will have 130 credits. If I take two classes over summer like I want to that will be 138, and then another full year. What was I thinking? Its far too much work, and it wont help anyway. Formalized education only takes you so far… the degree will get me in the door, the rest probably won’t matter. And what of the cost? Financially, socially, romantically, will I be more proud of my responsibility my accomplishments? Am I already too proud as it is?
I started this semester thinking… “I should be teaching these kids.” I don’t doubt that I could. But there must be some reason I’m here, right?
I’ll bust out the God stuff on ya… God has a plan for us right?
I certainly have been praying a lot for such lately.

I might have been wrong about the whole "starting homework at 1:00 is the best" thing, something tells me this research project should have been started weeks ago, or at least hours...

But real world, the daily show, colbert good times...

need a doctor appointment and an eye appointment... new glasses coming soon.

* Sometimes you have to eat a pack of gum

* Sometimes you have to wait for the book to be done to give a review

* Sometimes you really do need a tape recorder, because that writing poetry in your head thing doesnt really work out when you have no memory to write it down later.

* Open mic is this thurday

* Lots of homework cuz i did little to none over break.

* Saw many of my homies over break... it was great.

* Had time to think, talk, plan things over break... it was great.

* Back to reality..



The rights of the offensive ex.

Well lets start this off by defining some things, the ex, is the former, sometimes the previous... the offending is the one who broke it off, or in some cases the one who caused more damage. Now lets dissect that a little, in my estimation there are two types of offenders, those who did so causing excessive harm by other actions or guilt incurring things, and those who did not. Within both of those categories there are further categories, those who caused harm intentionally or unintentionally.

Well lets see I have had three breakups.

A) In the first I was not the offender originally, but I did offend to excess afterwards, and thus became "guilty." which lead to me feeling confused guilty and ashamed.
b) The second I offended to excess though unintentionally. Thus I was "guilty" but to a degree that lead to something more like regret and confusion in me.
C) The third, I unintentionally caused harm, but not to excess, rather to some extent my not having excessively harmed previously or this time without seeming cause, seem to have made the harm worse. Thus I offended to the point of great harm, but not with intention of doing so. Thus I am "guilty" of harm, because i tried not to. which in me leads toself doubt, guilt, worry, but also a feeling of not being able to change things, and to some degree an uneasy "ok-ness" because I didnt intend, nor try to give reason to offend, nor undertake actions that would lead to excessive harm.... still harm all the same comes, and of course guilt.

Three different situations, three different versions of guilt and confusion, three different outcomes.
but back to the rights of the offending ex.
outcomes
A) dont talk
B) do talk, friends supportive
C) dont talk (yet?)

It seems in all these cases I was overwhelmingly concerned for the other, as well as myself but to varying degrees. The rights of the offending ex, really come down to nothing but what the other allows, is comfortable with, and to what extent you can justify interaction.

with A) I justified interaction, but this didnt help, because I was too caught up in anger, and eventually we stopped talking -leading me to a place where I still wonder how she is, still like hearing news from others.

with B) I justified interaction, based on mutual interest in friendship, but tried to respect her right to privacy, and did not confront to the same degree that I had with A) (which i had justified, because originally i was the offended)

with C) I have an interest in friendship, but with confidence shaken and fear of causing more harm, refuse to promise security, which leads to her not being able to trust me, (not that she feels she could) which leads to frustration, more hurt feelings, and a feeling of necessity to protect, which leads to no talking, no interaction, for me- unsettling and painful, confusing and worrisome. unknown from her.


Hmmm why you ask am i saying this on here?
I asked some people today how she was doing, and they told me they didnt think it would be ok (or their place) to tell me. I understood this and didnt make any attempts beyond that, but also had a harm time not thinking... and didnt know who i could talk to because there just seem to be these things, where I dont have rights, nor options to make things better, a constant wall, that I apparently chose but cannot overcome. So whats the point of telling people the specifics because there isnt anything to do about it, and why blog? because I always need to rant about the things im struggling with...

so here i am, right,
tryin to be the man, right
using my gun to see at night
sleeping with my flash light

Thanksgiving, that had nothing to do with thanksgiving...
what an odd celebration... i spose there are some patriotic or protestant meanings... theres also just a holiday to celebrate.
Well i got much to be thankful for, family friends, life, school all this stuff...
certainly done a lot so far with my life, thats something to be thankful for.

but i guess, theres some people out there not celebrating with their loved ones.. and thats sad. I hope they are finding things to be thankful about, or meeting new people to be thankful of and with.

cheers
-i told myself i would do homework but im feeling fairly tired.

Its 7 AM, I have a presentation to give in 2 hours... i of course started working on it far too late...what I have is a great start for the paper due in a few weeks and should be more than enough for the presentation...
but its 2 hours away and the eternal question... go to sleep?
if i oversleep i lose all the points


I have to drive home after the presentation.... 3 hours of boring ass driving...
and when i get home im gonna wanna do stuff with friends and such... or brothers maybe.

My sleep schedule lately is ridiculous...
Listening to Load by Metallica, its been too long and its really rocking me right...

this might not make sense without the argument im responding to, but uh part of a fun on going... anyone have any thoughts? on life,war etc?

Its an interesting set of points you bring up.
First off primary sources, well that works for some things, the foot soldiers account of the battle front for instance... is surely more accurate from the soldier himself, but we were talking about policy decisions not battlefield tactics. When I bring up soldiers tactics or lack there of on the ground I blame the higher ups, I do think soldiers should be held to the same moral standards as normal people, but I certainly blame their higher ups both dems and republicans for putting them in that position. Primary sources on accounts of Iraq, well luckily some of the public does speak English but most of our soldiers don’t speak Arabic. I have seen numerous clips of American soldiers breaking Muslim etiquette rules without even realizing, in fact very proud about the job they were doing and of course these are the routine. I have heard from my friends in the military that they are stepping up cultural training, but it seems a little too late. That being said primary sources, in this case soldiers on the ground, are not educated to the degree they need to be to "win the peace" they insight hatred without even realizing it, they oppress without understanding their own role. This is not something that is native to soldiers, it is a common problem in all travel and cross cultural experiences (believe me I know).. however soldiers, particularly outside soldiers have a tendency to be seen as occupiers when they aren’t backed by local leaders, when they don’t follow local customs. If you read the declaration of war signed by members of al qaida including Bin Laden this is one of the number one concerns of Muslims everywhere, it is one of the violations they see the US committing against Muslims... So it doesn’t make for good counter to their claims... one could say "well what do I car what the terrorists think" but if you don’t listen to why they fight, you can never win a "war" against their cause... because you cant eliminate or even do damage control over what is giving them fuel for their insurgent fire...
but to stick on that issue, soldiers may have a better understanding of what is going on in their personal realm... but they are lied to by their bosses as much as you claim our press lies to us. We both know that, and if you look at the websites and propaganda the military puts out it clearly shows that what they are saying and what the facts are, are two different things.

http://www.defendamerica.mil/ - 12 of the 14 or so prominent stories are relatively positive. 2 out of 14 deal with the issue of casualties US or Iraqi, when at least 112 people were killed yesterday..
I’m glad you brought up the point about the difference between those who died in hostile action vs. non, but the 500 or so person gap there cant be explained by normal peace time training missions, if we had 150 people die per year in military training don’t you think some people would get brought up on charges? Negligence by someone...

Media, bias, news, whats the alternative? I watch both sides, I read both sides, I look for the crazy independent people, i look for the stuff from the people there, i look for the stuff from al jazeera BBC and other foreign press. well I put together a picture from that, that might still be biased.. but a news story or a quote or a letter written by an official in charge seems like fair game to me. Rumsfeld wrote a letter to the president on 9/11 saying we should use this opportunity to attack Iraq even if we find it has nothing to do with it... so they did. That seems like fair game to criticize, question etc. Why? 20 years before Rumsfeld was shaking Saddam's hand as allies and now they are enemies. The gassing of the Kurds happened while we were still allies. the Iran-Iraq war was part of our alliance even though we were selling weapons to both sides and the Kurds at the same time. Why the change?
We didn’t even send troops in to Kuwait (the first gulf) till after we had secured Saudi territory. (The reason Bin Laden hates us)

so yeah that might seem biased to read or watch the news, but some of it is the people making the policy, the people I’m keeping in check by my vote not so long ago... By the way I don’t give a flying fuck about Michele Bachmann’s record on criminals she has openly come out and said she doesn’t believe in gay people, other religions, global warming, stem cells, evolution, feminism (though she wouldn’t have the rights without it)she called terri schiavo "healthy" and these are all direct from her mouth no need for the spin....
of course the attack ads are biased and even though wetterling didn’t put them up she certainly got flack for it, but bachmanns ad's did the same thing to wetterling... so the people voted and bachmann was elected because that’s what they want in that region of MN... they must be "hot for Jesus"
)__________
ok the next big section

Human rights violations are not crimes committed by individuals the term is used when governments approve of or allow the abuse of people by forces in power. -basically when it is formally or informally sanctioned.
Now its true that some are looked out for more so than others, blatant human rights violations being things like murder, genocide, torture, slavery, institutionalized rape, or keeping basic human necessities from the people.
and once again I’m not saying Saddam didn’t commit these crimes I’m saying we
A) allowed and supported them
B)and should we decide to change that policy, should do so holding ourselves to a higher standard, which I don’t think we are... with massive amounts of instituted violations, and the instances where they have been brought up, dealt with only when they became scandal (IMPORTANCE OF MEDIA) and including obvious cover ups and scapegoat... why do I expect my government or officials to self incriminate? Because we ask Saddam and the "terrorists" to do so. If we aren’t even living up to the standard we are trying to instill in others, then it is certainly doomed to fail.

So taking that in to consideration, certainly there is crime and always will be but in this case when our soldiers are acting as criminals they do so in other countries, hurting foreign people, and acting as occupiers. (this strengthen the support of those we are fighting against, because whether we like it or not, some of them are actually just fighting for their freedom.)
Finally on that point I find it unbelievable that you would show the “mundane-ness” of these crimes and of these deaths, certainly people die every day on the road, smoking, drinking etc. And we do in fact have public laws and safety regulations to keep this from happening.. this is the exact opposite of your general theory on this war, which seems to be coming from a standpoint of “if they want to fuck with us, we will fuck them up more.” Namely for two reasons, one it doesn’t end the cycle of violence, the way we are operating would be like if some guy is acting reckless and gets in car accident we send out a squad of cars to run him off the road (“hoping to avoid casualties” but of course he knows we are after him, so he is gonna hide amongst noncombatants)
War to solve violence doesn’t work. You point to WWII but WWII ushered in the cold war, which brought up all of our conflicts until the 90s and some could point at Afghanistan and Iraq being directly linked to WW I and WWII the “terrorists” certainly do. Second. You use this argument to say that we don’t overreact when it comes to other crimes, the normality of crime, of people being hurt, but that is in direct conflict with the stated agenda of fighting back. If crime and killing is an everyday thing, if starvation and violence are an everyday occurrence with no one to blame, (because you argue our troops shouldn’t be blamed nor our leadership for HR violations in Iraq) them the reason for going to war is null and void in the first place… 9/11 people dying is an everyday occurrence.. and therefore shouldn’t be revenged… this is clearly counter to many of your other arguments.
What I’m pointing out is that your “realism” approach here (and that’s the theory, “our nation over there’s, your people over theirs, you over them”) is ethnocentric and causes the problems that you supposedly wish to solve… it means fighting and killing until every “other” is eliminated or pacified and you will never run out of “others”.. which means perpetual war, perpetual fear/anxiety, perpetual build up… ->which certainly doesn’t sound the same as the “crime happens, don’t worry about it” approach you were saying before.
- it also goes counter to the “their freedom, our security” argument, because you cannot have freedom nor security in a state of constant war… and what are we in? not a war against a nation, but an idea a belief system… how do you eliminate it? the largest religion in the world was built off the backs of martyrs(Christianity), and the fastest growing is certainly thriving in the same way (islam)…

Your last 2 points cuz I agree this is getting old…

1) retreating/pulling out will cause more death

2) wars are won in the will


-1. A)Viet Nam cost 58,000+ American casualties… for an ill-justified, ill-conceived, ill planned, and certainly ill executed strategy. It was not until we left that American stopped dying. It was not until after we left that Viet Nam found peace, so much so that our current president was just welcomed there… to a communist unified “prosperous” country. If some soldiers were killed on the way out, it was still less than having them all there.
B) Iraq is a similar situation, according to our leaders and those executing the orders.
This does not mean I’m “for” pulling out immediately but it certainly doesn’t help to continue the way we have been. Things have gotten worse, according to our own generals and intelligence agencies, within 6 months the entire country will be in full scale civil war. What would I propose, well Iran and Syria are meeting with the leaders of Iraq soon, that and other local help is the only way things will stabilize and we should have been fighting for that, not war against random people, in the first place.
If we get killed on the way out, it will be because we were stupid walking in, and when we got there we fucked shit up even more, the “insurgents” capitalizing on a “divided” country, well that’s not the fault of the people who wish them to be safe at home, that’s the fault of the leaders who sent them unjustifiably into a shit hole because it served his own interest or his misguided and ignorant beliefs.

2) “war is won in the will”. I disagree, conflict is won in the will, and then only sometimes. It is peace that is won with will. The will of peaceful people is what brings together nations, states, cities, communities and people. It is only by believing in, and pursuing peace that you will find it. It is only through seeking similarities that we find the means to bridge cultural divides. It is not through the stick, the sword, gun or bomb. If you ask the terrorists why they fight us, they will say for freedom. If you ask us why we fight we say for freedom. Something is off here if our definitions of freedom impose upon each other. You could say competition for resources, but that is the fear mongering that leads to oppression. The fear of scarcity enables us to enslave, kill and commit genocide. And though one could make the argument that hoarding resources protects, ensures survival for the future… what is the point if we lose our humanity in the process? The traditions and values we cherish… you talk about standing in the window holding a gun to the invaders, well just like the Chinese who build the biggest wall and had the largest and best equipped army in the world it doesn’t stop invasion, it only keeps you in.


-wow that was overly dramatic eh? I know that’s taking the argument to the extremes but I think history shows that’s the end all to “realism.” If you want to be a part of something bigger, why not be for a shared humanity…
You can say, yeah that’s why I fight for the Iraqi people, well if you do so by supporting those who enslaved them I can guarantee you the chains will not be lifted. If you say, yeah I protect those rights you talk about, I’m the big stick to ensure peace, then I say “thank you” to some extent, but also don’t be so gung ho, if you end up only protecting your self interests then you are no better than those you fear.. including the fascists of whatever religion… attach any of our government’s statements on terrorism and the war to the following. (of course one could counter thats what the terrorists are spreading too, my point is does that make us better? no)
Nazi Party
• “The broad mass of the nation … will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.” — Adolf Hitler, in his 1925 book Mein Kampf.
• “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.” — Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels.[5]
• “Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Göring during the Nuremberg Trials.

im just saying why are we following in these foot steps? if its inevitable human bullshit then i welcome nuclear war, because we dont deserve this planet. If there is something better then lets go for it.
the counters are easy, be honest, be upfront about things, take in to consideration all points of view, do not deceive yourself by thinking you are more important, better or above this pettiness. sorry to be confrontational... but we can keep this up or not....

peace and love to you and your peoples
-taff

Motivation is a fleeting motherfucker...

It sort of sucks I have a test tomorrow and a presentation on wednesday, another presentation and paper coming up... but im draggin my feet mostly since yesterday's test... which wasnt very challenging... I guess its funny cuz the reason i take so many credits is partially because i tend to do less work if i have less classes.. something about the challenge... and yet just a week or two ago i was stressed out beyong repair... now im chillin (still behind) but sort of apathetic bout getting shit done.. i guess a lot of it is that instant gratification stuff... at least with every day homework you can talk about it in class. Im doing shit for 3 weeks from now.

Not much else to do though, sort of bored... sleeping a lot...
hard to have the motivation to do other things... yesterday i felt sick all day after the test, and slept like half the day and then went to bed at 10 PM...

wow is this a shitty blog entry, clearly i want to talk to someone or something and no one is around.

SO everyday I wonder about how Lex is doing, and everyday I get no answer... Im not sure if that makes it easier or harder.

HMMMM so the big test i was worried about... is going on right now... but i didnt take the math one so they kicked me out for an hour. The reading one seemed incredibly easy... like easier than you would think -but it is a basic standards... Someone recently brought up the fact that we are in college so it seems kind of silly to require a basic standards test...but it is a state test not a university one so i guess bullocks to us or what not. The writing one will be a little more difficult... i dont have writing skills.

HMMM this weekend I am trying to wrap up a project i been working on for a few weeks. I present it on wednesday right before I head home, but the paper isnt actually due till the 4th... still I would like to have it done, or close to done...
The project was to record observations at the local town cafe/malt shop. I chose a ridiculous time all early in the morning and have been exhausted because of it.
Last night and today will be spent organizing and codifying all the typed up notes. color coordinating and such so that when i try to do analysis it will go smoother, demographics + observation = such and such...

Tonight is the second Jazz concert, I was talking to my friend Tall D (his real name is mike meyer) who is one of the top trombone players in the band, and he said the new drummer (who is awesome and a freshman) played a solo combo last night for about 5 minutes in which he uses cellphones and other random things to get weird sounds out of the drums and the vibrations of the drums. Must have been sweet.
They usually have about 5-7 combos inbetween the 4 main bands (each night has differnt combos). Our school is known for Jazz throughout the midwest. I have heard many students here say that they came to this school simply from attending a concert here when they were in highschool. Lots of highschools come for the big Jazz fest at the end of the year... usually there are guest performaces from people from around the world...
anyway... jazz tonight... Brian, (tall d's roommate also a friend, and also a trombonist) stopped me on the way home yesterday and asked if I was coming.. I replied "yeah but only saturday" he thought it was funny that i was ONLY coming saturday... I always try to make it to both shows (for the different combos).
I was thinking about how, the jazz kids get to hear and see it all the time, but for the rest of us its 1-5 times a semester, depending on if you go to the jazz dances (for some reason i dont go to those)...
anywho...

Thanksgiving is coming up and fast. Im not sure how i will feel when its happening, but im hoping to make the most out of the weekend which means no rest.
I got people to see and work to do when im not seeing em.
I have another presentation and paper due when I get back... and still another group presentation and paper after that.
They really dont give us much rest around here.

What to say....
more later... im gonna get something to drink or chill or monkey around a little.

I had the night off, and by that I mean i only had normal everyday homework and my directed study stuff to work on... (so not as much)
so i spent that night so far sleeping from 1-5 exhausted... and then went to pizza ranch with alicia and tom and tall d which was nice... and then i tried to do something.... but couldnt think cuz i was tired again, so i laid in bed fromlike 8-30ish just thinking about animation and poetry, and then spent 8:30ish-10 sleeping and not wanting to wake up and being crabby when i was woke...
but when i did, i flipped on some Ani, and bought a copy of adrianne's new poetry book. and now i sit talking to you all. keen

Its really sad when you start thinking that not drinking beer might be holding you back in life.

Sometimes when other people are discussing their failures, they might be talking about things out of their hands sometimes things that have happened to them and their inability to cope, and still others and maybe the harshest situation, their very life may be at stake...
-me I cant find something to pinpoint excitement or happiness to right now.. I know what I was using as a gauge, and suddenly that doesnt seem to work anymore... so then maybe its the other things that get me pumped, but they seem to fall far below what ever it is im looking for... nights spent doing the same thing, fearing the same things, worrying about the same things, the same pressures the same small joys...
and I look at subtle indicators like my intake of pop and candy, the more coke and chocolate the more im in trouble... but I got bags of candy and its not so thrilling.. I got groceries today thinking maybe if i just eat right... and that didnt work... sleep seems to wonderful, warm and beautiful, the dreams are hard to leave and that plays hell for the weekends, its like watching a movie, getting lost. but my movies have all been seen and I cant justify taking the time for renting... still i spend at least that or more watching youtube or looking for the slightest change in random people's facebook profiles a hint of excitement.
Maybe the truth is im not happy... and I just keep thinking i should be. Or maybe I am and dont have the time to enjoy it.. or maybe I cant enjoy it because i made the wrong decisions... took the wrong things seriously, promised myself the wrong goals to obtain.
When did i get so obsessed with minors and majors? when did i start worrying about grades?
I had a real long talk with Ben my roommate... and so much of what he said felt like me, or felt like her, and I felt shitty because not only was I not able to make any sense of it and end up with something positive, but Im not that person anymore, and i dont know how to be, not that im sure its what i want. but her criticisms hit harder than i expect them to, because a huge part of me sees the same thing...

in so many ways im numb and in so many ways afraid to not be. the other day I was suddenly chaotic with emotions and couldnt stand it.
but within minutes I was acting like nothing had happened and that made me feel even worse.
I havent written anything or drawn or painted and i long to. but i cant find the time the motivation or anything else, and when i do its terrible and i hate it.
whoever I was seems to be gone, and im not sure who i am now... where i am headed, if its just a short period or something more dramatic....

Its funny, i can control the burning in my stomach with pills but i cant seem to pull the whole thing together, alternating between the extremes i wont allow my heart to go to...

Im getting projects and homework done, but i dont care... why we do this to ourselves? work at things we couldnt care less about.

random songs seem to do things justice for a second, but they all have a tone of sadness and beauty, and to take the time to listen seems like a waste and seems like the only true connection left....

Kettle Whistle (Jane's Addiction)

What makes a kettle whistle?
What makes gold precious?
How come some people
They'll show you everything?
How come some people
They don't like nothing at all?

Well I know why..
We all want to be..
Beautiful too..
Beautiful too..

What makes a baby cry?
What makes a poor baby
Older than a rich one?
And why do we need to belong
To someone else?

Well I know why..
We all want to be..
Beautiful too..
Beautiful too..

well i guess some important things in the past week.

Break up with Alexis...I think technically I called it off, I still like her, but she doesnt like me anymore... it was the right decision, but I still dont like the consequences...

Election:
Happy and proud of James, funny kid, I call half an hour after the victory and he asks me how im doing....
happy senate and house....
Sadly pawlenty and Bachmann.... what the fuck people???????

Currently:
* spending an hour at Don's cafe every morning.... doing a observation project for sociology...
* Debating with the legend over policy, politics and society... at first on eachother's walls and now on e mail
* an asshole to more people than i wish to be... I guess these intense times i lose sight of who i wish to be... and I do feel bad, I just feel like the intense times are important to give weight to.... i guess I am not nearly buddhist enough and give way too much to this illusionary world...
* missing a lot of people, wishing i had more time to have fun, to see people to do the things i want to do...
* starting a research project for systems of oppression... my teacher today said I was doing really well and asked me to be a TA, I (being an asshole) criticized his ability to write multiple choice tests...

I guess goodluck to everyone, I know there are a lot of you about to make big leaps...or arent sure where you are going, but heading their fast... heres some innitials J, Z, A, B, A, L, I, M, S, M, R, J and my debate partner the legend
***I'd like to add an m and a k.... not because i didnt think about it before but because i was thinking about it in a different light... but certainly thinking about them all the same. *****(doesnt help the asshole factor much does it?)

keep looking out for yourselves whether you know it or not im thinking about you, and despite being an asshole I do hope and care...
peace and love
taff

My brother (James Ha--ar) and his boss the new secretary of state Mark Ritchie. sitting at a desk when they went on tv.... (IF IT DOESNT SHOW UP CLICK ON IT FOR A LARGER IMAGE!)

I just want to thank anyone who helped get Mark Ritchie elected.
Im sorry that we didnt get more dems greens or indys in office but i cant tell you what it means to me personally... what it means to my family.
We have been waiting and watching James work without rest, for years and finally success... This last campaign was really a lot of him, I know that he tried his best, and i hope he takes this time, and uses it... maybe goes back to school so that any success he has with this can launch him up again in the future. Maybe im not making sense... im really excited and really exhausted... im sure no where near as much as he is...
anyway. thanks to everyone.
I hope the results please you as well..
thanks

A letter from james:

Friends,

I am writing this email towards the end of another very long day. We’re no
longer counting down to Election Day one day at a time, it’s now hours.
Something like 35 of them before the polls open at 7:00 a.m. Tuesday
morning.

As many of you know for the past 18 months I’ve been the campaign manager
for a man named Mark Ritchie who is running for Secretary of State (the
person in charge of our elections and making sure everyone can vote, and
every votes counts). Since all of my work over the past year and a half
really comes down to one day (Tuesday), I’m writing to ask you for a favor.

I took this job because during previous campaigns I had always been shocked
and appalled by the poor service, partisanship, and at times incompetence of
our current Secretary of State. I’ve also watched closely the last two
presidential elections. I’ve been scared by the things I saw in Ohio and
Florida, and how Secretaries of State there seem to be deciding who gets to
vote and who wins elections. I remember working at a Holiday gas station on
election night in 2000. I was working overnights and listening to the radio
all night. I remember feeling hopeless. I remember thinking that whether
Bush or Gore won, whether the election was stolen or not, I had nothing to
do with the outcome. I had, at least for that election, made no difference
whatsoever.

I don’t ever want to feel that way again. That’s why I took this job,
because voters should decide elections, not officials, not faulty machines
and hanging chads, voters. Whoever gets the most votes should win. I am
working for Mark because he believes that too. He is dedicated to the same
idea and he will always run elections fairly, even if it means he or his
party will lose. It’s about the voters.

This is going to be a very close election. We’re down the ballot in a race
not many people know about.

I need your help.

There is a message below, about Mark, about the office, about how to vote,
and about why it matters. Please read it, if you agree with it, please copy
and paste it, please pass it on to friends, coworkers, family, post it on
blogs and even list serve’s if you can. Please send it to anyone who might
vote in Minnesota on Tuesday.

This is going to be a very close election. I’ve given most of the past 18
months of my life to it and I want to win. I would really appreciate it if
you would pass the message below on to your lists, and when you go and vote
on Tuesday, I’d really appreciate it if you would go down the ballot to the
Secretary of State’s race and vote for Mark Ritchie.

Thank you, peace and love,

James


When you vote on Tuesday (and you SHOULD vote!) after you get through
Senator and Governor and Congress you’ll see the Secretary of State’s
office.

The Secretary of State has a few responsibilities, the most important one is
being the chief elections officer for the state. That means they decide
what kind of voting machines we use, they run the voter registration system,
they’re the person in charge of counting votes, and so on.

Now obviously the problem here is that the person in charge of our elections
has their own political views and has to run for office themselves. So the
most important quality a Secretary of State can have is to be nonpartisan,
they should treat all voters and candidates equally, and should count votes
fairly.

Our current Secretary of State Mary Kiffmeyer doesn’t do that. She is
famous for bringing her political views into the office and using them to
help her party succeed. She’s been sued multiple times and the Minnesota
Supreme Court has had to tell her on multiple occasions to do her job right.
She is actually being sued right now and the Supreme Court will likely
have to hear a case on Monday.

Her biggest challenger is a man named Mark Ritchie. Mark has 20 years
experience in nonpartisan organizing, voter registration, election
protection, and electronic voting work. He has spent his life outside of
party politics and has instead focused on helping everyone register and
vote. For more information on him you can go to www.markritchie06.net.

For those of you who care about parties Mark is a Democrat.

When you vote on Tuesday please go down your ballot and vote for Mark
Ritchie in the Secretary of State’s race.

Voting information:
• Polls are open from 7am to 8pm
• You vote in your own neighborhood, your own precinct. For information on
where to vote go to www.dfl.org. If you scroll down a bit in the middle
you’ll see a place to enter your zip code and find your polling place.
• If you are 18 years old, a citizen of the United States, and have not had
your voting rights taken away then you can vote.
• If you are not registered to vote you can register at the polls on
Election Day. Click here
http://www.markritchie06.net/register/index.html#sameday for details on what
you need to bring to the polls to vote

how quickly one gets lonely

Well I finally find myself with some free time, but dont necessarily have the energy to do any of the fun things i was waiting for time to do... maybe later.
Rock wants to watch strangers with candy tomorrow... everyone else will be out of town, so as long as i get some homework done.... shouldnt be too bad.
three papers and a test finished this week...
next week I got one test, and have decided to give up my tuesday after class to the democrats... for my brothers sake.

what will happen if his guy doesnt win?
I cant imagine spending a year working toward one goal and not accomplishing it.
Elections are not easy things, you sort of got to feel bad for someone either way...
but i do think its about time we won.

i sort of dont think i will go to the play this weekend but that bums me out too... normally i think i am very open to theater..

i spose i have nothing important to say right now... so later.
peace

im happy, as long as i wake up on time, 2 papers and a test done and out of the way... and im not worried about them being bad like i normally would be. maybe its cuz im tired right now, but i just read my asia paper and it made sense... which is a good sign...
tomorrow is my only day off of the official week days....
thursday i have two possible meetings and a paper due friday plus the normal overload of friday homework...
two of my teachers make weight fridays down with more reading because they are supposed to be discussion days...both teachers assume we will spread the readings out ourselves... but following the as yet named system college students seem to fall in to ---you know the one, where you get behind in one class and then all of a sudden instead of being on top of each class before the next session, you are trading off trying to constantly improve the one you are the most worried about, while the next one slides down because of your neglecting it... further illustration... I worked on methods, systems, and asia, so right now i am behind in war class, after i do the paper for friday in there i will work on systems for the test next week and the presentation after that, and while im doing that i will screw up on methods and asia class.... cuz its relatively cyclical...

---anyway

tonight i missed rocky horror... i own it so it doesnt REALLY matter... but it would have been nice to have finished this paper sooner and go with all these dressed up cats... maybe pictures of the fun my roommates had with out me soon.


_____
in other news
I have been having the funnest and craziest most realistic dreams lately... and thats awesome...

__________

um and zambra

nearing on three.... didnt get everything done, but got the paper due manana... and will start on the reading for wednesday tonight....
i had some creative things to talk about but now im tired which is sad...
i guess tomorrow i will bring you an update worth reading (maybe) until then... hows this for ya...

Excerpts from Lynne Chnney's novel she claims has nothing to do with lesbianism 9to please her conservative constituents...

some song lyrics by fish, not phish

as always he glorifies weed.... but the song seems as much about smoking as it is about being yourself and looking outside the structure...

“They say that you’ll be just fine,
if you shut up,
and live your life in line, conform,
find a pretty mama to keep you warm… and be a drone,
do what we say,
be a whole lot less your own.

oh …mymymy…
we will grow and this you know,
someday we will have something to show
there’s a door and we know more,
in or out
what are you looking for?

we are the seed
we may smoke weed
there is no limit we cant exceed
they’ll tell you…
that knowledge is tall.
if what you see is all you see
you don’t see at all
and I sold you this
since then I think you’ve grown in to a little bit more… like your own

open your senses and ready for a taste
don’t you waste what you cant replace
and open your heart this is the start so please don’t forget the best part
open your eyes look at the view I might be right in front of you
open your ears cant you hear offering up to you my fears
open your mind you are the kind,
that we… sit and we smoke till we are,
just as devine as we were
open the cupboard and there’s nothing to eat, moneys well spent but you smoked your treat.”

The two or three literary works I have read by Barbara Ehrenreich have always stood out as being especially well written, well thought out, provocative etc.
I have also seen her comment on a few different political, social and economic studies, trends etc which is always a treat.

Anyway, I thought I would give you an excerpt from the end of Nickel and Dimed, a book I’m fairly sure I have two copies of and have never read fully, but enjoyed thoroughly both times I looked through (approx 3/4s read, at least one full reading)

Anyway this is the second to last paragraph of the book, the previous paragraph described the fact that since welfare to work programs are now fully implemented and still have not lessened poverty among the now “working-poor,” and may have actually made their situation worse, there is no excuse left from the wealthy, law makers, citizens of our democracy that can explain why we have a huge portion of the population living in poverty within the wealthiest nation in the world, except that we are being unfair.

Guilt, you may be thinking warily. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to feel? But guilt doesn’t go anywhere near far enough; the appropriate emotion is shame-shame at our own dependency, in this case, on the underpaid labor of others. When someone works for less pay than she can live on-when, for example, she goes hungry so that you can eat more cheaply and conveniently-then she has made a great sacrifice for you, she has made you a gift of some part of her abilities, her health, and her life. The “working poor,” as they are approvingly termed, are in fact the major philanthropists of our society. They neglect their own children so that the children of others will be cared for; they live in substandard housing so that other homes will be shiny and perfect; they endure privation so that inflation will be low and stock prices high. To be a member of the working poor is to be an anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else. As Gail, one of my restaurant coworkers put it, “you give and you give.”

Its funny that we live in a society where every day we make a portion of our citizens work to the detriment of their own lives, and the lives of their families, for the sake of our own (our meaning middle class and above). Yet some amongst us say it is unfair to ask/demand middle and upper class taxes(money only), “the burden is too great” we yell and grumble, while others in our own country with the same rights, and those around the world who should technically have the same rights suffer under our burden.
When rich people give up their money to charity we say they are especially deserving of praise, as if they didn’t make that money off the backs of others. If we are to live in a society where labor and other sacrifices are underpaid, should we not demand a system of tips, kickbacks or whatever… I mean if Bill Gates or any other millionaire, gives up half their wealth to charity isn’t it really just making up for the way they and their people have benefited off the backs of others through a faulty system designed to regulate things that way. Capitalism is a faulty position; it doesn’t work without the occasional redistribution. Thus why free market capitalism never works to the benefit of the people.

I didn’t get to the place I am without help, in fact I didn’t get here on my own at all, I was born here, far above (economically speaking) so many others. I didn’t do anything to deserve this, and hopefully won’t ever claim to be deserving of it…. I do feel guilty and ashamed for being part of this system, and though I clearly don’t do a whole lot to fight it, I think it’s important to keep talking about it… to remind yourself and others.

Wow is shit overwhelming right now... when i feel like this i write myself notes sometimes to convince myself its ok.... here goes.

John Frusciante has some depressing cds, one of the most depressing and still challenging in a hopeful way is The Will To Death
For a cd that talks about death on almost every track, and or a fall from grace, or feeling in a hole or whatever.... song names like "A Doubt" "time runs out" "loss" "Unchanging" "a loop" "wishing" "far away" "The days have turned" and "the will to death" ...a cd that often glorifies death as a release, as transcendence and yet still.... it starts with a song i have quoted on an away message "A Doubt" which ends with the lines "Lean in to walk, there's nothing missing from life." which is something i like to try to remind myself and others of...

In fact the whole cd talks about the processes that are so important to deal with, to think about, to feel and express. I am sad, I am lonely, I am stressed, hurt, betrayed, depressed, i am an asshole etc...

"The days have turned" -"when i feel ive got problems, how wrong I am"
in "A loop" he sings and later yells 16 times "I cant wait for life"
"wishing" ends with the words "now is the one time anything happens here"
"an exercise" "hey doubt, come on around any time, anyhow mistakes are what lead you through life, down and out's only if you think up and in's right.....and the only important moments, are the inbetween times, and being confused is an exercise"

"A doubt" "we all choose to live life, we confuse how with why."
and at the very end of the song he yells "and dont ever set a limit!"

so Mikey mike...
"Lean in to walk" - keep going, put yourself in to it. "Theres nothing missing from life." -its supposed to be this way, this hard, and why? because "you're (only) perfect (if) you fit snuggly right in the lie" ~"an exercise"

things are not supposed to be perfect, perfection is a lie, happiness is not always being happy, but knowing that when you are down it isnt forever, that there is some point to it. that life is about living and learning. live and learn!

more politics (I mean honestly its just that time of year, and yet everything is so connected to politics that its hard to separate.)

I'm reading this book called Economic Apartheid in America
which is an activist written text book for my Systems of Oppression class.
Basically it’s the most depressing thing in the world, because it points out over and over how things are getting worse rather than better. It keeps promising hope or at least tactics for the future in chapter 5, but I'm still struggling through chapter 3 which is about 70 pages of corruption, classism (as in prejudice against classes), the tactics against groups like environmentalists, unions and every day people, citizens, teachers even doctors and how they are getting screwed over and over. It also sheds some light on our overseas adjustments, as in, us adjusting those that are over seas to fit our needs. (one case, was Canada getting sued and having to pay reparations to an American company because they wanted to ban the company’s product because it possibly causes nerve damage... the parliament of Canada cant protect its own people, and has to pay money to a company that hurts it? ~NAFTA)
Not only that, but in an earlier chapter it brought up how social stratification and wealth stratification have empowered a few, while making most of the American populace able to have no say in their democratic process.
And of course the senators who take money, who are owned by their lobbyists or the corporations that back them. (as Delay and Abramoff recently made so apparent)

We have been taught to look at the 80s and 90s as a time when the US won. When Capitalism and Democracy flourished, defeated communism, the glory years the golden times of the United States of America, but if you look at it, 9/11 didn’t change things, they just brought it to our attention, this economic slump we faced (supposedly over now) was not because of the war on terror, but because we have allowed the wrong people to have all the power(money), the US has failed, we are on our way out. If things don’t change soon, for the better. a hundred years from now the 80s and 90s will be known as the American fall (or if they have some how risen above these problems) then the dark ages...

You watch or read V for Vendetta (written in the 80s), you read Vonnegut or Orwell, you no longer see it as a dark future, its the present, we are there.

Every few pages I have to stop, and tell myself there is hope, there is a way out. Every few pages it gets harder to see it.
I don’t believe in violent revolution. I just don’t, at the same time, I can’t see myself not getting swept up in something that promised real change, a glimmer of hope that these monkeys in politics today cant seem to fathom... Melissa my roommate said she is voting independent for governor, so are my rents (moms side) I cant stand Pawlenty so I’m going to vote for hatch, and yet even that goes against my beliefs. I start looking at the lesser of two evils for my hope, and end up in the same heap.... why are we doing this to ourselves? Why do we let them pass laws that strip us of our rights, our values, our freedoms, our opportunities, our hope?
The nation was founded on the principle that freedom is inherent, is undeniable, is sacred and that these things were self evident.
Our founding fathers knew that the only way for these things to “NOT BE TRUE”, is if we give them up ourselves, believe them to be false, believe that there is something more important, or simply don’t care. We make our America false in its name.
In the name of building a better world, we destroy the only one we have. (Corporations’ rights rather than citizen’s rights, no environmental protection, using up resources, man made famines, droughts, plagues; we are the four horsemen of the apocalypse)
In the name of Freedom we take away freedom. (War, terror, secret prisons, torture, wire tapping, no lawyers, enemy combatants? No free press to document it, censorship for security’s sake, secrets and lies! Secrets and lies! Secrets and lies! No habeas corpus!)
In the name of security we take away our security. (see above)
In the name of free market capitalism we take away the ability for you and I to get a job that provides us with income that allows us to spend freely.
(Wal-Mart lowers prices, by lowering wages, but no one can buy discounted goods without money!! Wal-mart being one example of the mass corporate attack against the working American public)
In the name of individual rights we take away your right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness (no health insurance, no benefits, no good education for your kids, no opportunity for full time jobs, no protection, no freedom, no anything in America and soon the rest of the world!)
“No taxation without representation!” the reason for revolution and yet now we supposedly have it and have more problems then those greedy ass white slave owning bastards who started our government.
Still

If you tell me your taxes are too high, than give up your job, your electricity, your plumbing, your education, your streets, your firemen, your police, your “guaranteed” right to a lawyer, in fact give up the courts, the prisons, the hospitals, the parks, the air the water, the earth itself, give it up!!!! Because yes I would like to think that we could get by without it too! But the world you created doesn’t allow it, and that selfish thinking about your fucking tax money is part of what keeps it that way.
You struggle, you are behind on your bills, you cant afford insurance, a car, gas, food, education, etc etc etc….. these are your rights… demand them from your government!!!
But when they tell you they need to raise taxes to do it… understand and don’t ever ask for a tax break because every cent you get back, some rich asshole who has privatized his education/health/streets/house/plumbing/electricity/etc gets back a thousand dollars of money that could be going to your benefit. And yes its inefficient… its corrupt its scandalous… well work to solve that instead of asking for your money back… you do understand that the 30$ or 300$ you get back also cost you that much in inefficiency right? I think its funny the conservatives tell liberals “if you don’t like the country then leave!” well they are often the ones taking advantage of our big government spending, whether corporate hand outs, or the suburban road system that the new deal brought them. “You don’t like big government? Give it back or get out! You fucking hypocrites!” All I’m saying is you cant say “I was here first and I’m gonna shut the door to anyone new” because its abusive and ridiculous to say you made it on your own. You made it, and I made it because we were selfish, but we don’t have to be now that we are here. My education is paid for, and I will hopefully spend the rest of my life giving back trying to make our kids education better. I will give more than 40 hours a week with a meager salary to give back, I will give up opportunities to give others opportunities, I will enrich my community, and I will fight for the right of people rather than of person. Don’t tell me that its unfair that teachers have benefits while there are no text books in the classroom, buy the damn text books and invest in your future. Tax your corporations and tell them their future CEO needs to know the difference between real democracy and the bullshit we are trying to pass off as one right now.

A Round-about Sociopolitical Argument

The other day I was singing and writing songs in the car… like I do… I wrote one about road kill which is currently a poem on facebook…
Anyway. I was also thinking up a song on the supposed “liberal media”

The point of that song was more about how conservatives are in fact represented much more than they claim to be.
But here is the argument.

When liberals, feminists, sociologists etc, bring up things like social barriers to better paying jobs, education, standard of living, etc… conservatives tend to say that that is wrong.. That in America people can work hard and become whatever they want, so those who don’t make it are either “not good enough” (old argument) or “lazy” (newer argument)… well most of us know that isn’t true, but conservatives tend to think across the board that liberals own and are the main influence on the media… so assuming that they are right. What explains this phenomenon? Is it that conservatives are not attracted to audiovisual expression? The printed word?
Do they not like reading and writing, are they afraid of cameras and microphones?
No… none of these are true, they say that the media keeps conservatives out.

And yet these are the same people that say openly racist/sexist/homophobic/etc institutions and people in power don’t keep hard workers down.
Now I know this is silly, but what a wonderful double standard…

They disagree with affirmative action and yet they want a say and a job as the “minority” in the media. Meh… just one more thought on the hypocrisy…

apparently i wait a long time between posts now. i guess i havet known what to say. Take back the night went well. I realized how stressed i had been when i immediately passed out following the event.

Lex told me that she is moving to texas in a few months. Im not sure what that means, so its hard to write about.

Im currenly in Milwaukee visiting my brother. Im not sure i accomplished what i set out to do, but i think it has been good. Im worried about him. He is in a tough situation. spends a lot of time at home, not knowing what else to do. Hes on some meds now, one of which puts him to sleep. Im worried that if there was ever a fire at night, he wouldnt get out.

I might see becky tomorrow, might not. she is working, s depending on if she has stuff to do for work i might drive a little off the path to see her.

I was hoping to see illy monday night too. but she hasnt gotten back to me which means probably not... but we shall see.

tuesday i head back to morris. I know i have homework to do, but im hoping to have a nice fun night on tuesday. everyone is so stressed lately, so bummed, so overwhelmed so anxious... (or maybe just me)

there are lots of deer out there on the road, and im afraid to hit one.

its hot and then cold and then hot and then cold... at least i havent had a headache lately...
maybe i just needed more water.

im not sure what the future holds...its sort of looks depressing at times.

i realized the other day that i havent really done anything for my older brother... but he also hasnt asked. im hoping to bring back some lawn signs...
if he loses the election that will be rough. if dems lose in general it will be rough.
i was thinking about writing an editorial or something about how the little political races matter too... but how does one write unbiased, when it affects them personally.
diego sleeps next to me, im dirty and smelly.
the departed is a very violent but funny/interesting movie.

I just wrote out a list of all the things I had to do this semester just for school and it was quite a doozy.... then it got erased... so that was fun.
Lots of work to go, and I have already gotten stressed out.

I hope something bad doesnt happen cuz i dont know if i could take it.
Tom my old roommate and friend is in the hospital, apparently some bacterial infection in his blood stream sent him to the hospital with almost a 106 degree fever
he was transferred down to the cities... I have been told he is recovering, but is unhappy.
This coming weekend is fall break, and I think I want to go see Steve as he doesnt seem to be doing so well out in Milwaukee, I dont think it is the school but personal issues that he is dealing with, seemed to make him miserable.
This past weekend I saw a jazz concert (always good) and the national players performance of Othello which is a hard sad play. jealousy and a very cruel and sneaky charcter seem to turn the world upside down and destroy everything good. It doesnt even end with anything nice.
I got most of my homework done tonight, it may be poorly done, but its done.

Today/tomorrow I get to go to pizza hut and then write a speech about domestic abuse, which i will give right before Take Back the Night on tuesday, can you imagine what I may be advertising? its a hard speech to give, but if i practice it enough and dont think about anything i wont cry.
the other day i spent about 2 hours thinking about what i might say at take back the night during the speak out, i also volunteered to speak on PHE's behalf, I think Im just gonna say that there is info and someone to talk to at the wellness center but that for serious stuff they should go to counseling or the police, then I might talk about some of the affects of abuse, assault etc that people forget about, like stress, fear/anxiety, depression, insomnia etc. I may go so far as to bring up some of the larger disorders that have a high correlation.

Im nervous about this semster. I just remembered I have to take a big test in a bout a month. Lex says she will help me study which is so nice. Im not sure when and where i can fit in my directed study stuff.

oh well back to homework... (almost done!!!)

I havent been able to write anything (poetry prose) for a long time, well at least creative stuff, and it bothers me. I mean tonight I should be writing this paper for my east asian history class, but for some reason I decided tomorrow would be perfect and now I have a hard time forcing myself to do it tonight. (I did do all my readings for classes tomorrow almost 60 pages) So I though, "ah I will go to bed earlier, that way I can work on it all tomorrow night and i will have enough energy" but when I go to bed, my mind races and thinks of the future like being a teacher and the first day lesson plan that always comes to my head for a sociology class. then i wonder if i will have troubles with administrations or if i will even be able to get a job.
Then I thought, eh you should write something.... and i have a list of topics in front of me... things i have been wanting to write about... but i never seem to find the inspiration and the follow up at the same time... and thus I sit with a list of topics that is getting old... so here they are for you, and im starting to not even remember what the idea was for them so maybe some of them are gone forever

* liquid dreams morocco
* treading water
* fever breaking
* the wall (as in, for immigration purposes)
* American illusions and images
* body issues

In the car on the way home from home (odd how that works out)
I was listening to a lot of hip hop and as i often do i was coming up with verses in my head...
I had entire poems/lyrics thought out about a number of topics and when i got home I couldnt write any of them down because i was tired and couldnt remember.

Melissa was saying today how she didnt get enough sleep and felt really dumb all day. me and alicia nodded, like "yeah we know, we do that all the time."
i think i must be the most unhealthy...
anyway... i was hoping that i would start being able to write again soon...
its one thing to be sucking it up in your creative life and be kicking ass in your schhol life, but im not doing well in either all of a sudden.


this is the only thing i have written even resembling anything creative lately


while watching the coke pour on to the grenadine, I thought about how strange and exciting it was to watch the dark mix with the very red syrup and wondered if thats why bush is so eager to make these oil blood concoctions everyday.

and thats some crap...

i feel like absolute shit right now... what with the headache the stomachache the extreme tiredness.... but for some reason i suddenly decided that instead of going back to sleep and giving up like i have been doing and probably will do again in a few hours... im gonna torture myself in to doing some homework once i go get some provisions... namely water apples something else... we shall see if i stay up all night i have all of monday to sleep... if i fall back asleep maybe i call in sick tomorrow... its 1:20 and according to worf today is a good day to die

Isnt it obvious i talk more on here when i got no other form of communication with cats... sure i can leave wall messages and what not, but thats more personal and really im just spending lonely days at home, listening to good music, printing off mondays readings on my mothers ink... Zach and Illy and maybe hollie on the way out of town tomorrow leaves me feeling anxious about getting work done, but not enough (apparently) to sit down and do it... I also got a 3 hour movie to watch before i take it back in the morning. (a movie i missed in my war class)
I figure if i get articles lines up and maybe highlight some points that will be good for my history class. but who knows if i will be ready to write and type up a 5 page paper after driving 3 hours. Furthermore I got my money for tuition but i gotta stop at a wellsfargo to make it official and they aint open... closest one to morris being Alexandria so maybe a midweek trip?? jackass and couple other movies i would consider watching... but monday night i got to study for a test.
I really got to get on top of this take back the night stuff for the wrc. I got to talk to some important people and some important musicians/poets or we got nothing.

_______
Part of the reason I want to get involved this year is because of my extreme disappointment last year when only a few people felt comfortable (for whatever reason) to come out and say anything... one could take this as a good sign, but more than likely it meant the mood wasnt right or something. How does one fix that? no idea. I dont think it was anyone's fault i dont think that has anything to do with it... but honestly take back the night might be the most important event on campus in a students 3-5 years here. I hope that anyone feels comfortable... last year i felt awful worrying i would be really late to an open mic... i didnt even have much prepared and when it got out an hour early i was really upset... feeling like i didnt do enough somehow... i sat down and wrote a simple poem about some of my friends and my experiance dealing with issues.... it felt wonderful for me to get that out... but i felt awful in a sense that i felt the need to express something that was told to me in confidence... of course no one knows... but people know.
and that was kind of the point.


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((9
Lucy ford is easily the best of the atmosphere cds... and from what i have heard of slug's other stuff... it too doesnt compare.



&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
for the record that last post in saying im near the edge... doesnt necessarily imply im trying to be there... i guess its a strange thing to be proud of staying in a place that isnt necessarily desirable... more or less i dont know how i would be anywhere else... i mean i can see more trouble... but not a clear path towards something so much more positive... and thus proud that i havent slipped over that cliff.

I often feel like I must be getting closer to that edge, that at any moment i might suddenly find myself one foot over. Its things like the random emotions, the always present but only slight anxiety, the fears, but at the same time with each day i grow prouder of myself for being able to ride whatever edge it is... I like the feeling of still being happy, of experiancing fun things, but being close enough to trouble that the sadness and anxiety feels real... Its an interesting point. I expect things to get worse simply because I know the homework will build up soon. But so far im handling it.. im doing homework a day early sometimes... Im putting off computer games and movies sometimes -and at others saying "fuck homework" the edge....
The music speaks to me when im not listening entirely... not the specific vocals the words... but the intention behind them (or my perception) and the last song spoke of how we are all struggling to find balance... and I felt sorry, because currently im winning the balancing act, but not all are.

I spoke to my mom at dinner for a few hours... we talked about all sorts of things... family issues and more. Later I read about this ministry that these guys are doing. throughout the book, i kept wondering why i was reading it, it didnt really appeal to me, but i wasnt sure if the need to read was trying to tell me something like "listen up idiot!" or like "you can do this too, only do it right"
The kid handing out the materials and selling shit might have been one of the kids i saw in sauk center a while back... its a band, and a group and they give speeches and perform services and whatnot. Christianity is a tricky thing, never as easy as they make it seem. Which voice do you listen to, and when it works for you is that good enough? or do u have to conform to the strictest of guidelines... Im relatively happy, not struggling in life, blessed with many people and things, not necessarily seeking too much more... for all intents and purposes have my beliefs not lead me to feel like im leading a good life? The guy who started it said he was constantly struggling, constantly felt guilty, constantly knew his actions were wrong and did them anyway... of course he also believes that drug addictions, eating disorders and homosexuality are all choices and sinful. He says dont blame the guns blame the guy/girl behind them. dont blame the sexist culture that taught him blame the rapist. He also says there is a difference between physical disipline and beating a student, and that the ten commandments posted everywhere would make this country righteous again, as if it ever were....(keep the state out of religion not the religion out of the state, and by religion he means christianity not paganism or satanism "all other religions."

The kid peddling the stuff seemed like he believed, but also like he had a temper.. He called a woman a liar for asking about the stuff and then taking off before making a purchase... as if it wasnt ok to change her mind without an explanation. he wanted to persuede me, and so when we got on issues of war he said he agreed the iraq conflict was stupid, meanwhile pushing the same propaganda merchandise as the repubs... when i asked what issues they talk to kids about, he said drugs suicide and vets... a strange list... i asked about the vets... he said they support them because they have no choice, they are just following orders... but the entire premise of this ministry is that you always have a choice... even disorders, disease and orientations are choices.... so how does that add up?

anyway heres a link