Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Sometimes when other people are discussing their failures, they might be talking about things out of their hands sometimes things that have happened to them and their inability to cope, and still others and maybe the harshest situation, their very life may be at stake...
-me I cant find something to pinpoint excitement or happiness to right now.. I know what I was using as a gauge, and suddenly that doesnt seem to work anymore... so then maybe its the other things that get me pumped, but they seem to fall far below what ever it is im looking for... nights spent doing the same thing, fearing the same things, worrying about the same things, the same pressures the same small joys...
and I look at subtle indicators like my intake of pop and candy, the more coke and chocolate the more im in trouble... but I got bags of candy and its not so thrilling.. I got groceries today thinking maybe if i just eat right... and that didnt work... sleep seems to wonderful, warm and beautiful, the dreams are hard to leave and that plays hell for the weekends, its like watching a movie, getting lost. but my movies have all been seen and I cant justify taking the time for renting... still i spend at least that or more watching youtube or looking for the slightest change in random people's facebook profiles a hint of excitement.
Maybe the truth is im not happy... and I just keep thinking i should be. Or maybe I am and dont have the time to enjoy it.. or maybe I cant enjoy it because i made the wrong decisions... took the wrong things seriously, promised myself the wrong goals to obtain.
When did i get so obsessed with minors and majors? when did i start worrying about grades?
I had a real long talk with Ben my roommate... and so much of what he said felt like me, or felt like her, and I felt shitty because not only was I not able to make any sense of it and end up with something positive, but Im not that person anymore, and i dont know how to be, not that im sure its what i want. but her criticisms hit harder than i expect them to, because a huge part of me sees the same thing...

in so many ways im numb and in so many ways afraid to not be. the other day I was suddenly chaotic with emotions and couldnt stand it.
but within minutes I was acting like nothing had happened and that made me feel even worse.
I havent written anything or drawn or painted and i long to. but i cant find the time the motivation or anything else, and when i do its terrible and i hate it.
whoever I was seems to be gone, and im not sure who i am now... where i am headed, if its just a short period or something more dramatic....

Its funny, i can control the burning in my stomach with pills but i cant seem to pull the whole thing together, alternating between the extremes i wont allow my heart to go to...

Im getting projects and homework done, but i dont care... why we do this to ourselves? work at things we couldnt care less about.

random songs seem to do things justice for a second, but they all have a tone of sadness and beauty, and to take the time to listen seems like a waste and seems like the only true connection left....