Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I miss her and can’t do anything about it. Both because she told me not to and because it would be making things worse for me. I’m overwhelmed as it is, questioning whether I will finish classes, getting behind, disappointing peers, professors and myself. The calendar I made has all these blank spots, but they aren’t really blank, because I have a class I haven’t even started yet, and most of the events take two to three days of research.
I woke up at 2:00 AM this morning and have been up since doing homework…. But that’s never true entirely is it…. Cuz when I’m doing homework, 99 % of which is done on the computer (typing or researching) I take breaks to check e mail, to update messages, to look through pictures, to keep my spirits up.
Tomorrow is the last open mic of the semester, and like every other one this year I keep thinking I will go and read some stuff. Got some poems ready… but most likely I will do what I have been doing, not chickening out, more getting disgusted with the whole process and feeling far too frustrated to go through with it like I believe in the whole thing. Then I will watch as others perform well, and reassure myself that A) it was ok that I didn’t perform, because those people were better and B) I’ll do it next time…
Semesters go by.
Today I realized by next semester I will have 130 credits. If I take two classes over summer like I want to that will be 138, and then another full year. What was I thinking? Its far too much work, and it wont help anyway. Formalized education only takes you so far… the degree will get me in the door, the rest probably won’t matter. And what of the cost? Financially, socially, romantically, will I be more proud of my responsibility my accomplishments? Am I already too proud as it is?
I started this semester thinking… “I should be teaching these kids.” I don’t doubt that I could. But there must be some reason I’m here, right?
I’ll bust out the God stuff on ya… God has a plan for us right?
I certainly have been praying a lot for such lately.