Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I often feel like I must be getting closer to that edge, that at any moment i might suddenly find myself one foot over. Its things like the random emotions, the always present but only slight anxiety, the fears, but at the same time with each day i grow prouder of myself for being able to ride whatever edge it is... I like the feeling of still being happy, of experiancing fun things, but being close enough to trouble that the sadness and anxiety feels real... Its an interesting point. I expect things to get worse simply because I know the homework will build up soon. But so far im handling it.. im doing homework a day early sometimes... Im putting off computer games and movies sometimes -and at others saying "fuck homework" the edge....
The music speaks to me when im not listening entirely... not the specific vocals the words... but the intention behind them (or my perception) and the last song spoke of how we are all struggling to find balance... and I felt sorry, because currently im winning the balancing act, but not all are.

I spoke to my mom at dinner for a few hours... we talked about all sorts of things... family issues and more. Later I read about this ministry that these guys are doing. throughout the book, i kept wondering why i was reading it, it didnt really appeal to me, but i wasnt sure if the need to read was trying to tell me something like "listen up idiot!" or like "you can do this too, only do it right"
The kid handing out the materials and selling shit might have been one of the kids i saw in sauk center a while back... its a band, and a group and they give speeches and perform services and whatnot. Christianity is a tricky thing, never as easy as they make it seem. Which voice do you listen to, and when it works for you is that good enough? or do u have to conform to the strictest of guidelines... Im relatively happy, not struggling in life, blessed with many people and things, not necessarily seeking too much more... for all intents and purposes have my beliefs not lead me to feel like im leading a good life? The guy who started it said he was constantly struggling, constantly felt guilty, constantly knew his actions were wrong and did them anyway... of course he also believes that drug addictions, eating disorders and homosexuality are all choices and sinful. He says dont blame the guns blame the guy/girl behind them. dont blame the sexist culture that taught him blame the rapist. He also says there is a difference between physical disipline and beating a student, and that the ten commandments posted everywhere would make this country righteous again, as if it ever were....(keep the state out of religion not the religion out of the state, and by religion he means christianity not paganism or satanism "all other religions."

The kid peddling the stuff seemed like he believed, but also like he had a temper.. He called a woman a liar for asking about the stuff and then taking off before making a purchase... as if it wasnt ok to change her mind without an explanation. he wanted to persuede me, and so when we got on issues of war he said he agreed the iraq conflict was stupid, meanwhile pushing the same propaganda merchandise as the repubs... when i asked what issues they talk to kids about, he said drugs suicide and vets... a strange list... i asked about the vets... he said they support them because they have no choice, they are just following orders... but the entire premise of this ministry is that you always have a choice... even disorders, disease and orientations are choices.... so how does that add up?

anyway heres a link