A day

I woke up feeling groggy. Tried to clean up just a little bit around the house. Showered. Drove down to Shakopee. Got lost. Got found. Went to the casino. Ate at the brunch buffet with family discussing travel, schools, the grocery business, dogs.  Went to ax man.  Met Alicia for coffee. Chatted for a few hours. Ate Leeann chin. Drove to Caitlin's. heard an almost perfect set of acoustic music and beautiful singing. Sat with twenty others in sauna like conditions.   Drove home. Talked to new roommate. Had company over. Talked to Emily and Kristi most of the night.  Met some of the neighbors.  Also talked to terry for a while.  Also met an artist. Also saw the girl that kind f looks like a mix between Becky and her sister.  Also saw a great acoustic set by mabbot's roommate.  Went to mabbot's house. Watched some karaoke.   Got tired and walked home in the new neighborhood and was a little intimidated.  Drove to t bell.  Counted possible prostitutes along lake street(7).

Came home ate and cleaned up a little.  Going to bed. 

Boys and backwards conversations

I am listening to two guys who speak Spanish, one may be basque, the other I am not sure... But they are speaking English because they are trying to practice their English.  They are talking about how it is impossible to get a basque girl to have "fuck" with you.   The one is disagreeing, but it sounds like he half agrees he just wants to make the point.  

Dublin is not a great city for meeting people if you are me.  I go out all day and do tourist things, or shop, or sit around in the hostel, and regardless I can't find anyone to talk to.  And then this lady started talking to me, and didn't stop... And I wondered if she was having the same problem.  I wouldn't say it was much of  a conversation, because I barely got to speak, or ask questions of comment on what she said... But I did hear a lot from her. About her childhood, about her job, about the states she was from... About the state of things.  I was trying to figure out her accent the whole time. Her son also had a difficult accent to place.  She spoke of living all over the states, and spoke German, but part of me felt like she was just making things up the whole time. I think it's just that reality is sometimes stranger than made up stories.

One of these guys seems to have no respect for other people, meanwhile demanding respect from them. Maybe it's an odd sense of humor. 

Tomorrow more tourist stuff... Book of Kells and what not.   The next day a day trip... Then I leave.

I don't really know what to say beyond that.  Looking forward to seeing homies at home...

Looking forward to dinners and coffee without having to worry even in the slightest about money.  Looking forward to work.

Not looking forward to the same problems at home that I am facing here.   Liking people who are far away, and not liking anyone in the way I want, where I want, with the time and energy and exuberance or whatever that I want.

And.   I'm. Out. 

Update from the airport. I am at Dublin airport with a few hours till my flight.  Yesterday was a lot of fun, I made a sort of last minute decision to be a cow. It made people smile. 

Hung out with a Texan who had just started backpacking. He asked me for my info last night and I told him I'd write it down and then didn't. He was nice, I just don't imagine I will hang with him ever again. So what's the point. 

I am super tired.    

Lolly gagging

Chillin at Starbucks sipping on gin and juice or my equivalent of hardcore kick ass coffee!   The locals can't make food filter coffee - it is always burnt and Americanos are ok, but not always what in lookin for.  I'm a talkative one today. Full of jokes and wonder.   I couldn't sleep for a long while last night and had all sorts of revelations about myself, Ireland, reasons for my mood and whatnot.   The short of it was that I hadn't actually had a conversation in days.  The long of it was that I fear the crossroads I'm at, I don't like the not knowing - where I should put my time and energy.  I've been writing this German girl for why?   I've been maintaining a relationship with Becky who doesn't need me, I've been abandoning friends at home, and missing friends who have moved on with their lives.   

Where do I go? Naked And confused and questioning "will i ever, discover why i live and die?" and then the intermission (hair).   

So I'm caught  with many opportunities and no clear direction. My life could become something completely different by next year or I could fall back into old patterns.   But where is the someone?

On Ireland, I was thinking about the dramatic differences between the unemployed and under educated Catholics who started fighting for their rights in Derry by throwing bricks and setting up barricades, vs the high security   Fences and militant discipline of the protestant militias.   The police walked away because they knew there wouldn't be trouble, they had already contained it. It wasn't just a crowd of rowdies, it was specifics, it was access points and leaders.   These boys aren't long haired hippies who want votes, these boys go through combat exercises on the weekends. This is their legacy, painted on every wall and written in every history book. The Shankill boys become soldiers, the backbone of britains ulster. In every war they sign up when no other Irish do. Their marches all celebrate battles won,  soldiers fallen, their legacy is war, their neighborhood is practically a fort. High walls, barbed wire, flags everywhere.  This is home base.  So the police can worry about a handful of troublemakers now and then, but they also know these are their men... Maybe once removed, but should trouble arise, they will fight to their deaths for Britain.

loathing in lagan's bed.

Yea.  For tired turning in on ones self

Coco wrote me a nice little German message about why she liked me... It seemed she thought I was honest and caring, and not shallow and all sorts of positive things... And there is something in me that wants to respond.  -you've got it all wrong, I'm scum.   

And there is something in me that wants to prove it in other terrible ways too, as if someone liking me even a little is too much.   

I have a few days left in Ireland, headed to Dublin tomorrow probably until I fly out later this week.   Eagan just wrote me and said he is flying to Ireland on the same day I fly out. 

I don't really hang with him anymore but it'd have been fun to have a night, earlier today. Was thinking I  haven't heard any live versions of finnigans wake. 

Why do I only like people unavailable to me?   And why when someone likes me, do I want to prove them wrong. 

Some things are unexpected at 29

This is one of those things that i shouldn't post but will because of the oddness of the experience. nocturnal emissions: apparently 3 weeks is too long for my body to go without release.   Maybe I shouldn't stay in mixed dorms.   

Natural highs

Well galway is fan fu king tastic.    - I'm leaving that auto corrected because it is funny.  

Tonight I heard some of the best fiddle playin ever... Traditional Irish songs on fiddle guitar and banjo.  A wonderful jam band who plays funk.  A bunch of acoustic rock bands.   Great street performers.   Just a beautiful night of dancing and rocking out.   

Also coco friended me on Facebook and I don't really care that she is taken.  I just like the idea she looked me up.   I am usually the stalker.

Connemara tomorrow. 

Evening in cork

I got into cork a few hours ago, I am occasionally posting here, sometime other blogs. Keeping two journals and making th videos Long the way... So. Forget what I post/write where... So forgive me for overlapping. I am on my own again, backpacking through Ireland instead of touristing. It feels better, despite not having the ever present social dynamics... But on that tour things kind of broke down into a lot of cliques... Which was dumb. 

I love reading things I've typed n iPad or iPhone because they sound like I don't speak English as a first language... The auto correct s wonderful 

Yesterday I spent my time in Kilkenny a small town (though out side of Dublin and Belfast they are all small).  Kilkenny was historically a very important medieval town with a vastly And lots of abbeys and cathedrals and whatnot.   I hung out with a bunch of Spanish speakers and had a good night out.   I have been spoiled on this trip now...  A bunch of nice cats to hang with, and I am up to my third crush already...  Spoiled. I wrote a poem about this last one, or rather about the feeling having a crush when you are supposed to be interested in a country.  It's over on the poetry blog if you're interested. 

But since that blog is mostly poems... I kind of wanted to write down some funny things about the lady...  Just because she keeps coming t mind.    And no I don't think. Will ever hear from her again,  and no I don't really know if she was interested in me, but she did seem to have those light up eyes.

So lets start there.   Light up blue eyes, the kind that melt you, the kind that have too much power, and their absence makes you yearn, and their presence makes you weak-willed to do anything else but stare.   Blonde hair, weird because I don't usually like blondes, but I suppose the cute ones can be exceptions. Small, too small really, she looked fragile, sometimes a little awkward,  which was cute. Especially when she danced or stretched... She looked awkward and cute, like she knew that it didn't look right, but enjoyed being funny.   Funny, she was ridiculously funny, in both a nice and a weird way, and that made me like her more. At one point when we touring blarney castle she made a joke about pushing me down the stairs and then proceeded to carry that joke, all the little ways she would kill me all the rest of the day.   On a similar note, she thought it was funny that I ate a lot of candy and after I taught her how to make balloon animals she accused me of trying to get  children into my van, her and her friends then made jokes about my pet rabbit.   Caring,    When she asked questions, when you were saying something important she listened deeply, asked questions, showed she was interested.  Fun,  she liked the same music and liked to dance.  Good friends, had a lot of fun together. Very affectionate, both with me and her friends,  if I hadn't been from Minnesota I would have made a move. But I am too shy... She was so touchy in a friendly way, like I had known her for years.   A history teacher.   Though we didn't talk about that much. 

Her and her friends were from an area of Germany where people are very cold, stern,   Minnesotan...  But within a few ours of hanging out I realized they were All very warm, fun, happy... I thoug t was sad the other people on the tour didn't see that side f them much... I guess there were language barriers that some people weren't willing t adapt to.  I can't imagine translating that much in loud places when you are drunk. 

For perspectives sake, I don't know this woman at all, she doesn't like long hair on men, I'm pretty sure she thought I was incredibly weird, she smokes, and drinks a lot.  She has an allergy to fructose, s she cant eat candy.  She is determined to kill me. I don't have her contact details and I actually don't even really know her name...   I called her what it sounded like her friends called her. I'm pretty sure her real name was karina... But wh knows.

Anyway the other crushes were a German in Manchester who was too young, and a tour guide in Dublin who was in a relationship.   

But I'd love if this continued.   Maybe I can meet a Galway girl with black hair and blue eyes. 

The thing with the German was that it felt like chemistry, where as the others didn't have time to pan out to anything at all. The tour guide was a rockstar crush, the other one was just a cute pretty girl.   

This one was real conversation, too many smiles and prolonged eye contact. 

AM. thoughts

Last day of the tour 

I should be able to slow down and do some writing and drawing After this.  My bag is full of dirty clothes so if I can't find a way to get my laundry done tonight im buying some.  We have just a few stops today and then end the tour back in Dublin. Tomorrow I am going to Kilkenny and  to cork the following day.  Then perhaps Galway again followed by Belfast in essence retracing much of the path I've been on.  I think this tour significantly shortened the amount of time I needed in Ireland and I was even questioning whether I should quick book a flight to some other country for a few days.  

The group dynamics on this trip have really bugged me.  There are 5 sorority girls who mostly stick to themselves or the people they deem cool enough to hang with.  It seems subconscious in how easily they write people off.  There are two Australian couples who everyone gets along with.  There are two Australian sisters that can either be the center of the group dynamics or subtely sabotaging them.  There are 4 older women who mostly do their own thing but occasionally have fun with the rest of us.  And seem to be easy going.  There are two Canadians who we just picked up, they seem alright and then there are three Germans I've been hanging with who I realy enjoy.   Pretty sure I have a crush on one of them but.  Today is the last day so...

Derry exploits

On a six day tour with some nice Aussies a girl from Tennessee and 5 sorority   Girls from Texas.  The Real World,    Every one is nice and yesterday was the first realy drinking.  We went to a place in Derry called the metro.    The entertainment was two older men, maybe  40s. Singing songs hover computer tracks,  all covers, mostly 80s and today pop songs.    The patrons were done up in clubbing outfits and way too much make up.  The hilarity was that they were there sincerely and not for shots and giggles.  I started to get nervous when women started giving me flirtatious looks.   There were like 20 women who danced by themselves to the karaoke style music....   When you can't tell whether they are 18 or 45 because of the caked ok powder and the red red lipstick and they startling to rock out to get lucky.    Someone is in trouble.

Later we accident broke in to someone's apartment building...  Are main clue that we were in the wrong building was a pair for rain boots that no backpacker or tourist would wear.

Greetings from Dublin

 I'm glad I waited to post until today, yesterday I was feeling rather down. I am in Dublin, capital of Ireland, city of about 2 million, the oldest city in Ireland according to the history book I read. I'm sitting at a hostel, resting and charging my phone. It's been a long day already, but its only about 6ish so I guess I have awhile to go. I don't get how people party all nig and then have a reasonable day...  Anyway, yesterday I got into town after a blitz through the leeds airport. I was worried about being late, but it ended up being far to close for comfort. Next time. Thi k I need to just invest a little extra for the convenience.  Leeds was alright, seemed a little white trashy... Anyway, I got in yesterday and walked round for a bit, I had told myself to take the day off from. Site seeing but couldn't help a little when I stumbled  upon one of the museums I wanted to go to. I was in the mood for a rest because I was feeling pretty low. It wasn't just the trip that had me down, though not talking to anyone for a few days does do that to me... I was also a larger sort of recognition that my life has changed a lot in the last few years in ways that I can't really describe.   

If someone asks me "what's new?"  As Becky did when I saw her, I can't really describe new things... Like. No new job, no new major friends, no relationship, no family drama that is especially exciting, no babies, no school, no major projects.... I think I'm rather boring.   But at a certain point I realized there was something very new, that she could help me with, but I didn't know how t ask, and wasn't certain she had the response I wanted.   

"What's new?"   More than ever in my life I think I am fairly isolated and feeling unsupported. 

The difference between now and any time previous is that it isn't just in my head... It's not a feeling of being awkward and outcast, it's recognizing the real limits in your life... and this is an opportunity to make new friends, do cool new things, try something... But I'm not sure what it is I want, beyond friends or a girl friend....

So I went to York to see Becky, and though it was fine, it was fun, it was friendly... It wasn't best friend friendly, and I realized it probably won't be ever again. This in itself was a blow, but it made me wonder what the hell I was doing on a trip, when I couldn't really invest or have anyone really invest in me here... I'm on vacation from real connection ---> which is the only thing I truly desire.  It made me want to go home and made traveling seem so stupid.  

I came to Dublin under those circumstances and wrestled with them.  Is city is beautiful, there are wonderful people here, there is good history and I am looking forward to seeing the country, but a part of me is feeling like my romantic day dreamer fantasy traveler mode has led me astray.

That being said, the tour guide this morning was awesome, and I developed a sort of rockstar crush on her, (unfortunately for me she is in a relationship). And the tour guide in training told me she met her boyfriend on a trip just like this... So maybe I shouldn't give up so quickly.   

That last post was supposed to be on another blog, I will move it later. Also typing on an iPad is ridiculous because it auto corrects as you go and sometimes that is helpful and sometimes they put random periods and commas in and sometimes they are way off on their suggestion.  

 It's 7:40 pm and I am at a coffee shop in downtown Reykjavik.  It is clearing out which makes me a little concerned they will close but its Friday so I don't know why they would close early. 

Maybe it's dinner hour and everyone went home.

So I have been doing pretty well, mentally I go back and forth between really enjoying myself and being frustrated with money.  Physically I am annoyed I can't sleep all night, but its been really helpful for tours and things to wake early.  My right leg has been hurting every day, which is no different than when I'm walking at home, but its super annoying to have to stretch every half hour... And it makes me wonder if I tore something at some point. Other than that I am physically doing well, surprising since I am behind on sleep.

I guess tomorrow I am going to try to do a whale tour. The next day I am going to another peninsula further west on a really expensive tour... I hope is worth it.   Overall I think I will be spending a thousand plus on this one week in iceland... But hopefully I will never need to come back because I have seen it all. 

It hasn't been sunny the whole time I have been here, some days the blue peeks  through but the sun doesn't really.  My feet smell and my clothes probably will soon... Is that combination of walking for hours and getting wet over and over again.  It's not so bad since my pants dry fairly quickly but I don't really want to do Landry here in iceland because its going to cost me 8 bucks and for some reason I imagine I could get it cheaper in England... Which doesn't make an sense because the British pound is not going to be doing me any favors.   I'm going to spend a few days in Manchester than maybe meet up with Becky for a day or two and then head to Dublin.  I'm worried about the flight to Dublin because I think they purposely set it up so  people would be late and they could make more money.  I will probably have to call a taxi and that ain't gonna be cheap.   My goal is always to have a great time and it spend much, but on this trip I think I may just have to bite e bullet. 

Typing on this thing is really hurting my wrists. Like the worst arthritis I have ever had. 

Google maps says my hostel is 10 Kilometers away but I think it's less and I think it's walkable... Unfortunately with my leg being weird I don't think I should try... But it would be fun and give me something to do. 

Personal thoughts?    

I wonder what others think about me... Can they tell I'm a tourist right away? Can they tell how old I am? Do they think I look interesting or attractive? 

Furthermore,  am I?   I don't think I am going through some kind of crisis, but without a source of productivity and without friends or family to guide me, to mold me, to support me... Do I have anything to offer?

It's hard because while traveling you don't really get to know people... These relationships are so shallow and knowing that I will move on very soon, makes me think its more important to check in with Facebook than say hi to someone at a hostel... But I wonder if they are thinking that too... 

Most of e people I have met are on shorter trips... I guess one lady I hung out with a couple days ago was on  a much longer trip, but I didn't find I had that much of a need to impress her, and I wasn't necessarily impressed with her... Not because she wasn't interesting. Just wasn't needy, or drawn in. 

I remember one of the joys of traveling w as finding like minded people and they are here... But not in the same way.   Maybe my bod and my mind have changed. Maybe I shouldn't be doing these trips in is way anymore... Maybe I need to be in a group or go with friends. 

I'm not homesick and I'm not excited to go home. I'm really enjoying the trip other than the slight pains  on the body and the wallet.  But. I guess I thought I would be relaxed and curious... And I am not that yet.    I should give up electronics for a few days.   

Anyway. Maybe I need to take some Tylenol or something, you enjo yourself. 

Iceland impressions

Yesterday I got into iceland after a delayed flight from Minneapolis and Boston. My first impression was that it was a barren wasteland with rich volcanic soil. Super wet and cold.  I have come to find out this is many people's first impression of the reykjanes peninsula and the land between Keflavik and Reykjavik.

After recognizing that underneath this wet soil was a lyer of rock, that broke through the surface. On top mossy grass.   The land was flat except in the distance hills, later mountains. 

The bus took us into Reykjavik center from the north of the city, and it made me realize how grateful I am for arriving in a city the right way.  Some cities are messy and chaotic but most have a plan, if you can see it from the right angle, and the drive in provided that view, one that showed the north harbor could be a reference point until everything else was figured out.   But actually the touristy city center is really easy.  It's a series of streets radiating out from a central place not far from the harbor. 

I stayed in the domes guesthouse, a quiet but clean barebones kind of place. I don't even have bedding because it seems everyone else brought a sleeping bag... No maybe this shouldhave been my first clue that I wasn't really prepared for I iceland.

It was early when I got in so I decided to go fora walk.  It started sprinkling offering me the first chance to test out my rain gear... An irritating hard sprinkle of a rain, one that soaks you over time but t first seems like nothing.   I walked east, not the best direction to head, but it seemed that at 8 or 9 in the morning all of Reykjavik was dead and closed. 

I stopped into a 24 hour grocer to check prices... Things didn seem unreasonable but I really don't have a grip on the conversion rate... Ben and Jerry's ice team was like 10$ 

In that first few hours I saw very few people, but over time I saw a number of tattoo shops, graffiti, lingerie or sex shops, book stores, kaffe shops, music stores and more. 

Eventually I stopped for a muffin and a coffee. Which cost me like 7 bucks or something... And at this point I realized that everything in iceland was normal price plus a dollar or two more. If you are used to paying $2 it will be 3-4.   This is an irritating conclusion but one I have stuck to so far.

After checking out the man shopping streets and getting irritated with the dull girl at the tourist info shop.  I decided I should do something with m day so I could get out of Reykjavik as soon as possible and see everything I wanted to.

I  walked to the big cathedral church that is the highest point in the area.the view was great and I was feeling confident... So I walked down to some of the points I saw.  Heading towards the pond and the churches beyond... I ran into city hall which was having an exhibit on the capital as a literary city.   The pond was beautiful but I went further, after running around a different church and swooping around some neighborhoods I headed towards the harbor to ask about the whale watching tours.  I decided on which one i would take if I did take one...     Then checked out some of the restaurants and shops by the harbor, then ran into an art museum and though I was exhausted I decided I would take on the task the guy at the door gave of using my ticket to visit one of the other museums as well.  The first museum has some interesting pop art And comic book stuff, along with an exhibit of smells... I mean really it was a room with dozens of boxes and each box had a slightly different scent.  It was fascinating, but they were all slightly perfume-y. So it was also maybe not as interesting as it cold have been.  Still they needed the whole room to work together so I guess it has to be a pseudo base scent.

Anyway I liked that stuff, but I was sleepy s I walked to another coffee shop and got some green tea.  Then walked to the other art museum which showed Icelandic painters in the first half of the 20th century, and what hit me the most was that many of the landscapes had been in the tourist videos I watched on the flight.

After  the art museum I decided it would be best to visit the other tall monument the pearl museum with the saga tour or whatever.... It was a long walk through some fields and some highways and I sang best friends forever to myself while trying not to freak out about the pain in my knee. 

The museums view was spectacular we'll worth the walk, but the museum itself wasn't too hot, in act I did not recommend it to other folks in the hostel - even though they went and loved it.  The audio guide was good, but the model recreations were pretty shite, and it felt a lot like a less good version of Jorvik.   After that I decided for was in order but I could find anywhere I wanted to eat so I ended up retracing my steps back over by the harbor. I ended up getting a killer doner kebab and fries and was satisfied.... Then I had some energy so I went down to the harbor to check out the views along the coast.   

At a certain point I decided I would need to sleep so I headed back to my hostel and met up with the folks who were there. As I was about to charge my phone I realized that my adaptor didn't work and ran out to a store... Eventually purchasing a new one (for the next few days) at a cost of 15$ 

Maybe this is when my mood changed or when I got back to the hostel to try to plan out the rest of my trip.

I was cross referencing hostels to the places on the map I wanted to go and found nothing within my price range.  Ys I could stay snaelfellsnes for around 100 a night but that didn't guarantee I could get to the mountain or get back to the city the next day.   Us I cold stay 2 hours away from this other park but for 60 bucks a night  and same issues of transportation... Then I started realizing that even many of these places were fully booked, and spooked I decided "shit I better stay here and just take tours" but when I looked for vacancies in Reykjavik through the weekend there was NOTHING!  I was freaking out.c.. Did I need to leave iceland all together?  I decided no, I will just book a place closer to the airport so for the next few days I will be staying in hafnarfjordur which is apparently like the next big city south of here that no one has heard of, except I guess they have a troll village or something... I look forward to it, but it brings up more issues too.

I will get back to that at some point, probably when I just bite the bullet and do it.

I went to bed frustrated, but recognizing that even if I spent 1000 dollars for the next few days I'd still be alright... Annoyed spiteful even but alright.  

I woke up at 3 am, but with a plan. Today was the day for the golden circle, a tour of notable sites, a major waterfall, an awesome geyser and the rift between the North American and European tectonic plates  which happens to also be the place where iceland became a pseudo democracy - establishing a parliament hundreds of years before it was cool in other countries.

This trip was awesome.... And I am hoping to show it in pictures, but a few things came to me while i was there.... A) iceland is awesome B) with sights like these I understand why they charge so much C) I love traveling even if I hate it too sometimes.     And many more thoughts I will share at some point r not. 

City and selfies

Xenocide and thoughts and travels

First off, I am reading Xenocide the third in the Ender's Game series, and like the first two, it has definitely made me think about a lot of things. The second one, Speaker for the Dead was in some ways a pretty life changing book. This one, is not quite that mind blowing, but there are some wonderful elements so far and some great things to think about.  Its hard to balance the equation between the mind expanding and value changing ideas found in the books vs the author who seems to be pretty much a tool. Some of the author's view points are based around his understanding of genetic continuation within humans through sexuality, a point brought up in the books, but that doesn't seem to be the way the situation is handled in the books... there seems to be a more "enlightened" view... anyway it was that exact point I was thinking about at 11:00 on a Friday night while I read in a coffee shop full of middle aged and older men, each of us alone at a separate table.  
Some of the main characters(a brother and sister) in trying to help an alien species recognize that your genetic code doesn't control your life describe human history in its basics, evolutionarily there are different roles being played out. Men either act aggressively, spread their seed and conquer, or attempt to provide stable and supportive environments for their partners (sometimes a mix of both). Women sometimes seek out the aggressive males, and sometimes seek out the supportive males. 
This is the sort of typical simplify to the mating habits approach... and yet none of us ever really think about it too much... in fact while the sister is describing it the brother becomes uncomfortable. He thinks "I have done both of these, but I don't choose to see myself in either way at the core..."   he also realizes that though successful in both accounts (in the first book, he is the ultimate warrior, the second book the ultimate peacemaker),  he has married, but never had his own children. He has helped raise his wife's children. He has a slight recognition that although he has fulfilled both of the ultimate roles in essence he has failed as a member of the species to pass on his genes... this doesn't cause him to fall apart, but its an odd moment to recognize... and I looked around the room at at least 6-7 men ranging from late 30s to 60s and wondered if they too had offered all they could, would continue to make societal contributions but perhaps not pass on their genes.   
and I looked at the new barista the young skinny one that seemed to show up 2 weeks ago but already was part of the team... and wondered about how much of the "attraction" I felt to her or anyone in the room was based on genetics and how much was based on choice, or free will, or spirit, or intelligence.    I always find the moments of raw simple evolutionary survival strategies to be uncomfortable...  perhaps because regardless of whether I want to believe or act upon them... they are somewhat true?  Maybe I am failing at my purpose...  maybe I should have a promiscuous phase and see what comes of it.  


I leave for Iceland on Monday. I am excited and suddenly a little scared. I feel like there is a lot to do, and a lot left undone. My room is a mess of semi-packed things ready to be transferred to a new home. If I die, most of my books are at Jareds... but thats about it.

If I die, go through all the writing and drawing and you will surely find out a little more about what I was. Or have your suspicions confirmed or rejected or made more complex.

I plan on doing a lot of writing and hopefully updating a few blogs and posting on the facebook. 
If nothing else, there will be a lot of pictures I think... I am not sure what to expect from this half planned half assed trip. I have been reading a lot about Ireland, and watching movies and getting excited, but Iceland is kind of a mystery to me. A cold and rainy mystery if the weather report is to believed. I hope it doesn't rain the whole day and is more like a few minutes of rain then nothing... The pictures are going to be washed out I am guessing... better use some instagram shit. 

My life is full and yet pretty empty of people. I spend more time with my Dad than anyone else lately. Doesn't feel bad, just not what I expected at this point in my life.

I bet we have a lot in common, I bet you like the same things I do: chocolate, sleeping, new pets, spring time, summer time too

Below is a video of a person reading some bell hooks, we discuss  this excerpt (most of it) with the students at school... I am unsure how hearing it vs reading it plays out... but what do you think? 

Also I am not saying all of this is brilliant but there are brilliant parts of it...  

 Last night I played skee ball, I am looking forward to the next time I can play skee ball. Also hoping this is good (Flea's solo album), but I haven't listened to it yet. 

I just sent an email to someone and got sick to my stomach. It was an email asking them how they are doing, and saying I was interested in getting to know them... nothing more than that.* I got sick like I got sick every time I hung out with Jess V for the first year. I hope this isn't a sign.

 I am going to Iceland/Ireland in 2 weeks! So much walking today.... Pride was ok, but mostly it was commercial feeling. 

Maybe see Bronchi, Illy and who knows who else this week? Maybe go canoeing. Grant and Chris get home, gonna hear about South America... and find out whether I am still driven to go next year. Been wondering if I will have the cash... I am pretty sure it will rock my bank account. 

 I read something today that said green is a trigger color for creativity, while red inhibits it. My room at Jared's is red... Ima haffa paint dat shit 


*I was listening to Best Friends Forever's "Twins in Love"(not the best version) and "Tape Song", but really all of their songs about living and believing in the fantasy rather than actually trying things("Jes Excellent" "How BFF Breaks it off with Movie Stars" etc)  ... I still love those songs but I decided that was good enough 5 years ago when I was listening to them, but not anymore.

Babies

Two of my students recently had a baby (they are a couple, so just 1 of them actually gave birth).  Its exciting and weird to see teenagers in that position.  My coworker who also recently had a baby with her partner joked with the boy that they were going to get "World's best Dad's" mugs and have coffee together.  My coworker spent a year trying to get pregnant and it never took, after just two tries inseminating her partner she was pregnant, so my coworker ended up being the "dad" instead of the "mom"  though she is doing pretty well as a mom so far.   A few times towards the end of the year she would bring in her baby daughter and the kids would all gather around. They said I looked awkward with her, and I did, I felt awkward with her like I do with all babies... but as I said to one of the students, "I'm a boy, we aren't taught to run up and hold all the babies in the family."  
The student thought that was dumb.

Its been almost a year since some ladies asked me to be a biological father.   At the time I was terrified and excited. I felt honored and in my head it was something that would be good for me, root me to something, give me a sense of wholeness in a way I didn't have.  I still think that that would be the case, and maybe a little less selfishly, over the year I started to think that though awkward... I would make a good father. Sure I am scared, but being afraid isn't a good excuse for things anymore. 

The bio-dad thing didn't work out, and though I sometimes regret putting them through it, I am glad I did it, and glad it didn't happen.  It didn't feel right... not ethically or anything, just personally. In my heart I knew I wanted to be a Dad, but a Dad who is there.  Full of fear, but there I guess...

In the past year I have started having lots of dreams of babies... even this week I think there have been like 3 or 4, one last night which is why I woke up thinking about this...   babies in trouble, babies being passed around to be marveled at, babies who grow and develop, babies who call me by name, babies who cry and babies who smile. Babies who will someday inherit the Earth, but for now are wrapped up and needy. (*I worry the "needy" piece is desirable to me)

In the past year I went from "sure I want to be a Dad some day, to yeah I want to be a Dad."  
I don't know how to make that happen in the way I want... just as I don't know how to partner up...
but its become a real thing.
My first reaction to my Ex being pregnant was jealousy, the second sadness.  I don't know if the jealousy was of her husband, or of both of them living a life I presume to be good.  The sadness was not something I expected. I didn't know why I wanted to cry, just did. It was raw emotion, without thoughts, and I still don't have any... but the sadness has faded. Life goes on. 

I imagine this will keep happening in my life. Little moments of envy. 
I don't really know what to do about any of it.   

I am supposed to be going to SoT right now, and PRIDE today,  but I think I will probably go to a coffee shop like every other day... because I am a creature of habit.    Though maybe one that slowly grows. 



* So I have often noticed that I feel more secure with people when they need me, lately no one seems to need me, or I can't give them everything they need -which might be healthy boundary setting, but I am worried that my desires are really all just me trying to get my need to be needed met... care-taking traits... uggghh.

preparing and depleting

I just paid 6 months (sept-feb) rent. I hope that works out.
Today I also bought 3 new pairs of pants (2 on sale, including the skinniest jeans I have owned since my mom was buying me jeans), some storage bins (my room is entirely plastic), some gel pads for my shoes -because I be walking so much ;),  a  bunch of travel shit... like mini deodorant and mini sun screen and a rain coat that I am hoping will protect me from the wet of the lands I will be headed to shortly.

I heard from Melissa, that she is planning on being in the Miniapple at the exact time I was headed over there, which is disappointing, and now I am left with the question of to spend a few more days.  Should I spend it in Ireland, maybe walk a trail?   I haven't looked into them enough to know if you need a sleeping bag and tent (I'd have to rent) because I also got out the bag I am taking and it is GOING TO BE LIGHT.    or else... I will have a sore back...
no, I am just hoping I can manage with very little... even the idea of two pairs of pants is bugging me right now, don't even mention the inevitable giant of a towel that always gets purchased.

I  have been really bored lately. I don't mean that I haven't been doing things, I have just had the feeling of it not being very exciting.
By lately I mean yesterday and today.  I have decided it is because I don't have a crush, or rather, that the only person I have a crush on(la profesora) is a stranger who I will probably never see again--  And part of me likes it that way... because in this way she stays something desirable... but maybe I'd hate her if I met her.
Anyway... life is more exciting with a reason to get out of bed... my life seems on hold.
Even the art and writing and reading and all that gets a little old... how to stay "present" when you don't have a future you are looking forward to...
Anyway that was my little rant.

I watched a movie called The Wind that Shakes the Barley  which is about the Irish War for Independence, and the subsequent Irish Civil War. It is incredibly sad... and I am reminded I am headed to a country that's national sense of self is somewhat based on these traumas.
Good movie, but hard.

Im a get back to organizing... you take care of yourself now ya hear

samuel the puppy bear

If all I want to do is sit around and listen to this(picture a little nsfw), does that make me pathetic?

I already went for a walk, did some planning and some reading. Every time I start one of these I think "sure I will have something to say" but then within seconds I realize I really don't. I read a book today that suggested keeping a journal of good things, happy things from each day. 

Good gyro at the gas station with Dad, an adventurous walk through the neighborhoods of Eden Prairie, a short chat with Ali. A few minutes facebook chatting with Becky, to be reminded that I over think, and not everyone is mad at me when they don't respond. A good iced tea. A good soundtrack. A ton of fantasies about meeting people, moments of real confidence. 

Here are some selfies, a shot of the sky over downtown and some storm damage:

 

I think it's a pretty common complaint... I haven't had Internet for the past few days and it started to feel a little lonely. Now I have it back and it feels way more lonely than it did without the possibility. 

I've been walking around lakes, drawing and dancing, reading books and wondering about people.  Thinking abut buying properties and thinking about taking vows of poverty.  Wondering if I should be a street performer or a pick up artist. Wondering if I need to exercise more and cut out excess, wondering if I should be packing up my stuff and why no one texts or emails me back.   

I am headed to Iceland on the 15th of July and coming back the 16th of August but in many ways that's feels worlds away.     Too soon and too far.   My coworkers joke that I will fall in love, I'm more worried about falling out. 

The moon has been big and so have my dreams, the return of Internet feels like a crash.  Perhaps the imagined possibilities are richer than realities.    Perhaps I'm being dramatic.     I miss someones. 

Falling

So my computer is in the shop, and I am learning to play around with iPad and all the apps and what not. I guess this is good practice for when I am traveling.  Some of it seems really cool and then you recognize the limitations.   Wifi is always going to be one limit...these things are practically useless without Internet.  Modifying things seems harder than with a good old mouse and screen. This is the wave of the future though right?   I don't have an iPhone yet, still planning on getting one.  I think my fingers are too big for these kinds of devices.... I am constantly hitting the wrong thing, or not hitting it because my fingers are fat or something.

Been seeing movies lately because I have no life.  Saw The East yesterday and today I saw superman, superman was excellent, the east was...ok.  I wished for more i guess.   

I have this bummed out, sad/jealous thing going on.

Last night I had a dream, I was with my dad in some sort of vehicle, and he said he'd wait in the car while I went and got it... But I got the impression  he was scared.  I went into the place... It turned out to be some sort of weird cavernous desert scene, with mountains and cliffs and unstable rocky ground.  I was just pulling myself up to the last ridge, when before me a volcano exploded. I could see the lava shoot up, but at first I felt no immediate danger... Then as it was showering closer, I realized that the whole area was unsafe nd I began to run.   I was running, leaping over cracks and fissures, I was jumping off of boulders and squeezing under narrow spaces.... When suddenly in the fast confusion of it all I was falling, sliding and it seemed  I was being swallowed by the earth... I remember as I descended  The thought that I couldn't possibly ever climb my way out of this great deep abyss.... And then I hit bottom... And the sand and rock piled atop me... Threatening to bury me, I tried to pull m way up, stay on top of the ground... Stay on top or I would surely die.... All this for an errand.  I'd never see anyone again... But I wanted to live...   So I woke up. 

I don't know if this is the first of some great fear about getting old... Or a warning to not get too close to any volcanos... Or a subconscious attempt at recognizing that I feel in over my head... Or sinking... Or separate. 

Summer School is going well.

I have plans to move some of my stuff in July before I leave and then the big stuff later I guess. 

I'm still not sure of the when and where of my travels...

I've been having all of these baby dreams and thoughts lately, but they weren't of yours. 

It's only 9:00 pm I kind of want to go to sleep... I live an awesome and yet boring existence. 

i only disliked one of these

I feel dumb.  I know this is just a passing feeling, its not all that powerful, its not all that extreme... I just feel like I screwed up on being what I should be.   
That's another thing right   "should" statements...
What did I do so wrong? Why is this... not what I want. Why am I not what I want...
too much fantasy and dreaming, and not enough being ok with reality. 

Weeks ago I couldn't sleep, so as I often do I started to imagine different possibilities for my life and the world. The desire I had was to become some sort of spiritual teacher, knowing full well it was fake, but knowing enough about spirituality and psychology and showmanship, that I would be helping people regardless because all they really need is for someone to care right? Tonight I watched Kumare. 

I'm really lonely in a way that seems different than in the past. I am hanging out with people every day, I am doing things I enjoy, I am preparing for the future. But everything feels fake.  Like this isn't my real life, this is me pretending to do the things I am supposed to do.  I am supposed to be in love, on an adventure and starting a family. Where is that? 

I have more thoughts but fuck it.  I hope you are well.  

feeling the ick

You know when you watch a video a bunch and then realize it has very few total plays... and you think "damn I must have contributed like half of those."

yeah


I feel kind of ill right now, and I think that might be contributing to my feeling low... but I am also trying to be social tonight... cuz I said I would - and that is the only way to keep yourself accountable right? plus they have good peanut butter cookies.


Its a mixture of loneliness, pessimism, envy and body aches.

Lonely because I can't have all the things I want.
Pessimistic because things aren't the way they should be, and its exhausting (owls).
Envious because other people are doing the things I wish I were doing.
Body aches because...  lunch wasn't cooked right? or because I stayed up too late?   who knows

Also, I am sick of these fucking bugs in my room. Who do I blame that on?

slowly shrinking

Its sad that my reaction to people moving on... is wishing people would post more on facebook or other websites so I could keep in touch without actually keeping in touch.

heart hotel

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about my heart, in some ways I feel like its the only thing I really know... in other ways it is a complete mystery to me. I began to imagine it as a sort of hotel. I don't know how big this hotel is, how many rooms it has, its constantly surprising to me... but there are some things that are for certain. Some of the rooms are filled with folks traveling through, short and long term stays welcome, but these folks will make their presence known for a night or for a few hundred and then pass on leaving room for the next guest. Other rooms seem permanent, my family for instance seems to have some really random rooms scattered throughout the hotel and they seem to have the right to do as they please within the confines of the hotel. Sometimes they knock down walls, shrink and enlarge their domain. Sometimes they get locked into their rooms for long periods of time without anyone noticing, but they are still there.  Sometimes they cause a commotion and the whole building gets shaken up...  there are more rooms, that seem to have a time and place.  For instance that girl that one night at Pete's house who told me about her religion. I don't understand why she is still around, I can barely find that room, but sometimes I stumble upon it and I go oh yeah she existed...I only met her once, but she has a room somewhere. Same with a few others, its not that I see them anymore but they still have a spot and it seems like it only fades slightly with time... childhood friends, for instance may have a spot but it seems like it has been under construction for a long time... so maybe eventually it will reopened for someone new.  Then there are the permanent rooms, the rooms for the people that I loved, and love, and though I sometimes have to make adjustments to the size of these rooms, they are here to stay... I know those rooms. I make a habit of walking down their halls on the regular, check to see if the lights on, to see if the room is warm etc.  These rooms are comfortable, I do whatever it takes to keep them comfortable, always ready for their return.  There are rooms I have had to open up because someone came in out of the rain and needed a place to stay, and also rooms where someone popped in and made my little hotel a more charming place.  There are the rooms that had catastrophes in them, and the rooms where miracles occurred. There are the rooms I don't go to because I am embarrassed -but they are still there because they are part of who I am... and there are rooms that I know are there but I still don't know who they belong to.  These are the people I am looking for, the ones with keys that will one day swoop in and unlock some piece of my hotel that holds some secret I don't know about... and I am waiting. Trying to keep the place looking nice, warm, comfortable... keeping the lights on to guide them in.   

Meh

I don't really know what it is exactly... maybe allergies sweeping in to rob me of my thoughts and tempt my eyes to close. Maybe its the weather, the barometric pressure causing my body to want to hide and find shelter under the covers. Maybe its just exhaustion, weeks of stress and emotional draining...  Maybe its depression, or just grieving. 

I have a thought, a dream, a plan... it vanishes, leaves me sleepy. 

I have a desire, a fantasy, a motivation... it vanishes, leaves me sleepy.

I don't really know what to do. Its not getting in the way of my normal daily routines... work is fine. But I am not really enjoying much, not really wanting to do the things I find myself doing. 

I wish I could. I would like to enjoy conversations and music, I'd like to appreciate things. I'd like to be creative and passionate... but when I try to put myself in a place to be/do that... I just get sleepy. 

How annoying



good work is happening at the capital this week.
 I want to run away. 

Saturday night may o '13

Lacey told me tonight she is probably moving to Texas in a few weeks. I wasn't surprised entirely because she has been thinking about it, but I didn't know it would be so soon. That's before the school year is even over... meaning I won't even have time to think about it too much.

She asked me when I'd be able to go down, or rather if I would want to... I told her maybe in the fall, but that this summer I better go on with the things I was thinking about for me.  Maybe Philadelphia in June, and maybe Ireland in July?
Who knows though...

I am not sure what or how to think about that right now... I am not overwhelmed with it, but it will change things. Its funny to think how quick a friendship can begin and become such a main part of your life.  Or how quickly that can change.

I have been wanting to write a lot lately, but I haven't known what to write.
I have been thinking about all the various things in my life... the themes of my personal life, the systems and institutions I have embedded myself within, the society at large... but I wish I could think about other stuff... something more creative or adventurous.
Like the other night I thought about becoming a wandering street healer... first I would study various kinds of healing, acupressure, reiki, some holistic stuff, some spiritual shaman stuff... you know all the miraculous and natural.  Then I would plop myself down on a busy thoroughfare and offer my services. I'd perform it like an act so people wouldn't get offended if I didn't cure their cancer... but the majority of it would probably work to some extent... people need good energy and connection and not much else right?  I could give people some time and attention and they would feel better and tip me a few bucks here and there.

Two of my roommates might be moving out. One to a new house he is buying, and one to Oregon.  Times they are a changing.
`Could be some dramatic changes at work next year too if things go right...

i dunno this is boring. my computer is acting weird and im not impressed  with any of this writing.

so you dont think the only thind i do is whine

no idea who or what  but i think its finished

and because I like to be the epitome of what I mean

So every few years I like the therapize myself... I guess I really need it right now again, but instead I am reading this dumb book.
Anywho, I am sitting there wondering why I am so not confident enough to talk to anyone, and also what my core issues are about... I mean I can think it and say it a million times, but I guess I am just not able to use it to my advantage in the way I need to, so I keep thinking about it right?

So I am trying to figure out what injury was done to me, and the book goes with all the extremes of sexual abuse and neglect and like Gaius Balter I am wishing I was a cylon, but its just not true...
so if that shoe doesn't fit, what is the deal?
and I start wondering about this need to talk it out, and also being so deeply scared of that...
there is a guy named Ray who is at the coffee shop, he is an older light skinned black man (at least I assume so). He wears the same outfit every time, dark hat, dark sunglasses, blue shirt, cane.
He sits there, no book or nothing, he looks around the room, I am sure he is staring at people behind those sunglasses and I want to say HI, but not much more... I want to acknowledge his presence as a person, but not be vulnerable enough to have a conversation... but Ray does ask, he asks the woman who seems to be shopping on her computer if there is anything good on the computer... he asks the little girls about school, and he asks the barista a question or two,   and greets anyone who seems familiar enough.... Ray says goodbye twice to the barista before he leaves, even though she is busy and in the second response, she replies "have a good night Ray" with a little forced concern, but also knowing that that is what he needs. 
And I am Ray, or I sit there and wonder if I am Ray, or will be Ray in 20 years... because I want to talk to all the same people, and ask them questions even though they are "busy" and I want to break the ice, and I want someone to say goodbye to me, and I want someone to say hello and how are you and mean it... but these are the things I don't know how to get... -the way I want them, so I am tempted to cry. Because, like Ray, whose name I know because he said goodbye twice, I  need someone to talk to... to spill out all of my ideas and insecurities and shallowness, and deepness... but somewhere a long time ago I was told that was needy...
like everyone responds to Ray like he is needy.
and because it is needy, I was taught you have to offer people something to make it worth their while... and because I don't know what they need, I don't offer me.

Emotionally I need a partner. I always have, but I was called a motor mouth and told to shut up, so instead I just drove myself nuts and asked my fantasies a thousand questions instead of the real people.  My neediness, became my worthlessness, my shame, my failure as a person.
I act upon this self-concept every day, it has totally shaped my life.
I make friends based on it.  My work is based on it. My anxiety is run around in circles because of it. I treat some people with contempt because of it.  I treat others like they are sacred. I treat others like they are outside my realm of understanding based on it. 

ok, so I realize this... now what?
Can I build some other sort of paradigm, can I be like Daniel Quinn and realize all people are needy, and worthy?
Knowing that, does it change anything?  Do I still feel like I can't share my actual thoughts, feelings, cant reach out, etc...

Now what book?

I like the barista's giant eyes

I am sitting in a coffee shop. As always I guess...
I have a list of things to do. One of them is sort of paper I need to write for re-licensure. A statement showing my growth as a teacher. Its hard to know exactly what to write, I mean I would like to be honest and give a real reflection of my growth...
I started a bit too naive and a bit too needy as a teacher. As much as I was aware of it and tried to caution against it, I wanted my students to be my friends. I no longer desire this. My students seem to me to be children, immature and not always very intelligent or reflective. I once thought, oh wow the things I could learn from my fellow human beings (though they be a few years younger than I). I now worry I have lost a little too much of my curiosity, and somewhat long to have that idea that I would learn directly from my students back. I do learn from them, I learn how to push and pull, how to motivate one group of them and then realize that the next group won't be motivated in the same way, so I must adapt and grow myself. I change to meet them but I also have learned that I need to set boundaries on which things I am willing to concede on... I am willing to concede on teaching that one lesson that I personally love, because I believe very firmly that this other one is more important for this batch of students.  I am willing to concede perfect grammar, because I would like this student to realize they don't have to be perfect to get their ideas out... that the world would rather they engage than withhold. In fact the world will reward their engagement, even if rough around the edges...
I have also learned that text books and "facts" have nothing on life lessons... life lessons, paradigm shifts, real critical thinking sometimes requires some evidence, but the evidence itself is not the important piece. I have also learned that tests are bullshit. I mean, already knew that, but as a student I succeeded at taking tests, so I didn't feel the real anguish behind the scenes... now I have my license threatened every time a student slips up during a test... and the real life consequences of variables beyond my control reminds me that these students are being rewarded or punished for things beyond their control... I am becoming more and more convinced that traditional education doesn't serve students, or our society... there is a disconnect there and it is growing on both ends...
Strangely, I am also learning that being an alternative school teacher and being on the front lines of that battle, doesn't afford me enough access to challenge the mainstream, to make the changes I would like to see. I am starting to believe I will have to move away from the students who need help the most, in order to make the most change for all.
That is something I could write... but it won't be what I write... because that is not scientifically backed up... anthropology is not a trusted science.

I have a bunch of ME work to do too... reading a book that challenges my core concepts of self... what the hell am I supposed to do with that? The book assigns written dialogues... I am to write a play between the characters of my mind... all the examples in the book end up with the true self winning, but I am not so sure I am there yet... in fact I would say nightly I recognize I am not there yet.

I  assigned myself a project at SoT today. Over the next three months Grant will be gone, and the idea is that 4 of us each take a few weeks.... Pete started and asked about prophetic practices in our lives... the times we act as if its the better world we believe in. So I was sitting there thinking, ah man I gotta remember all the questions so I don't repeat any... maybe I should write a blog post each week so that I know what we have already reflected on... and then I sat down to write one and totally thought... I am full of myself, no one wants to read this.

I think this plays into the ME work... 

I am having a hard time with one of the chapters I read today... it has nothing to do with what I am thinking about because of course I shouldn't take it so black and white, but the author described living out a fantasy life instead of a real one... and this is soooooooo me.  How often do I sit and ask fantasy people questions instead of venturing to ask the actual person in front of me. 
The guy at Leaann Chin who I wanted to talk to because I felt like I should, because he is always nice when I am there and for a second we pretend like we are friends and then he gives me a free pop which I always feel weird about taking... or the guy I gave bus money to, because I was afraid to give him a ride home... or Huck who came to SoT today, or the girl who works here who was a student at my school before I got there... or the current barista who stared at me a few weeks ago while I was leaving so I wondered who she was... and today is the first time I have seen her since... and I want to ask her questions about her existence... but I also don't want to be creepy. Now she just caught me staring twice... so I definitely went creepy.

Is this the low self esteem thing, or the growing up in MN where no one wants to disturb anyone else thing, or the knowing that baristas aren't actually flirting with coffee shop goers thing, or the knowing that I don't want my fantasies bursted, or the combination of all of these?

But for someone who enjoys fantasy, but also realizes this might impair reality situations... where should the line be?

I have a lot of self control, but not enough to keep from looking... but if what I really want is real intimacy, validation of the real and appropriate, complexity not the simple... why I am so afraid of everything.

Oh I also have to do laundry, and keep reading this annoying book and finish some art, and call some friends to set up plans for the future. 

Its pretty weird when you are not sure whether you want to cry, laugh or just stare...

A friend told me she broke down and became hysterical- and I realized I haven't done that in a long time... if ever. Even my hysterical moments look more like implosion than ex.

this is me staring widely at a computer camera

 

on and on

Been enjoying this song lately, its hard when the last song on the cd is the one you are craving, because you go through the cd, and its great but it builds to that point, sometimes space in and sometimes space out and then you hit the song, and then its over and you have to click through the buttons to set it up again.



Yesterday I spent like 3 hours water-coloring, I wouldn't say I was happy with the results, but I sure was happy for the time, and now its friday, the last of the days of spring break (excluding normal weekends)... and I DID accomplish a few things, but sure would love another week to myself. 

I am pretty much thinking I am going to take a trip to Ireland and maybe parts of Scandinavia over the summer... just cuz I can. It will hold me over till I can head to South America. Shouldn't cost as much as I had planned to spend.

My living situation may be pretty different this summer... one or two of my  housemates may be moving out. One is buying a house (if things go right), the other may move to Oregon.  I appreciate the idea of people moving into their lives, but it sure is a sad day to feel left behind.  Who knows if I will stay in this location, or move up in the world. 
The main benefit of staying (besides not having to move) is that I have the cheapest rent in the city right now (or it feels that way at least).  I think I could live here for quite a while even without a job. The amount I spend on rent  is approximately the amount I save each year in my savings account... which is probably more than most, but not a lot of money. 
I understand this is interesting to no one, but I sometimes write down my current thoughts and actions as documentation that I existed... and that life is mundane... got me? 
Anyway, I could afford a bigger room, and less roommates and maybe adequate storage space... but who needs any of that when you don't have a companion to impress?

There isn't really much else going on I guess... Lots of shifts in relationships, some people going through major things, but I don't get caught up in other people's stuff as much as I used to.   I am actually a little annoyed with my lack of drama, lack of curiosity in people, and general lack of interest in novelty for novelties sake...

anyway... 

I am not having a baby, not moving away, not taking dramatic travels, not changing jobs, not dating and not really hung up too much... so life goes 

working a program

First of all, to whoever is reading this in Washington, I don't know if I know you or not, but I suggest you don't check this blog or the poetry one so often, as it will only lead to disappointment. 
Perhaps like me, you just run a circuit of websites that you check every day or every few days and its no big deal. But this one is only updated every now and then, and that poetry one sometimes goes months without an update.

Listening to Alt-J
Did my taxes using Turbotax. I am a little worried I did it wrong, but whatever. 
Read Providence by Daniel Quinn  it was displayed at the store as if it was new, but I looked later and it has been out for quite a while.  I really liked it.   There was a good poem like piece in there about death... that I want to hide under my pillow in case you find my decaying head upon it. 

Anyway, Quinn seems really familiar, his attempts at perfection and religiosity.

I talked to Ben today about similar things. We are very alike in that way... both striving to be better and starting little projects to see if we can create perfection because we don't feel it inside. 

And yet.... the post's title,   I have not been working a program... but I am wondering if I should be. Part of me still thinks the Gods reward good behavior, that providence will shine upon a man who chooses to give up his demons... though perhaps this is all just a jumble of little kid thoughts similar to the compulsions. 

I have often asked myself if I am an addict.  I am reading this book Breaking the Cycle  
and of course I find parts of it really helpful. The author is big on Eckhart Tolle, and I should probably reread those books... but in the mean time, I find this subject directed approach to be helpful.  After all I read a chapter or two that touched my heart in an uncomfortable way and couldn't pick up the book again for several days.  In the meantime I was perfectly comfortable going back to the validation of porn sites.   But then I read other sections that make me question if this is an addiction or just a dry spell in my relationship life... Is it affecting more work? my money? the way I approach people? my family and friends?  Is it keeping me from pursuing hobbies and interests? new projects?    
NO to all of that.  I am very satisfied in most of those areas...
is my self esteem in certain areas pretty shite? do I go into cycles of shame and reaction? do I worry about my voyeuristic tendencies? do I worry about my lack of boundaries and that someday I may be perceived as a monster?   YES to all of that.... 

So if some of it applies and some doesn't... am I a foot over the cliff or not even close to the edge? 

In the Daniel Quinn book he describes being in his 30s in psychotherapy still feeling like a complete waste of space, like everything is wrong with him... and he challenges his therapist to tell him what she sees in him that convinces her "he isn't really all that bad off".... she says that is for him to figure out... 
he leaves in despair,  on the bus ride home he starts trying to make a list of his good qualities, and suddenly he never has a self esteem problem again.  Before writing the list he believes he won't be able to write a single thing, but he comes up with tons of things.... and though he later thinks some of them are a little lame... he realizes he is normal enough.   and if he is normal... than what he craves is what all people crave. Attention, love, validation... and he can give that.  A week later he meets a woman, asks her on a date and later they get married. This is part of the providence he finds in his life. 
Could it be so easy to find the right life partner?


Who can know anything for sure,
tomorrow may be the day I meet her, 
flower petals open, delight, and sneezes,
songs in coffee shops create joyful tears and legs bruises (from the tapping),
buses and drunk drivers hit people all the time, better to have notes tucked in pockets and under pillows than none at all.
That way you'll know what to do with my body, my love and your tears (if you have any to share).