working a program

First of all, to whoever is reading this in Washington, I don't know if I know you or not, but I suggest you don't check this blog or the poetry one so often, as it will only lead to disappointment. 
Perhaps like me, you just run a circuit of websites that you check every day or every few days and its no big deal. But this one is only updated every now and then, and that poetry one sometimes goes months without an update.

Listening to Alt-J
Did my taxes using Turbotax. I am a little worried I did it wrong, but whatever. 
Read Providence by Daniel Quinn  it was displayed at the store as if it was new, but I looked later and it has been out for quite a while.  I really liked it.   There was a good poem like piece in there about death... that I want to hide under my pillow in case you find my decaying head upon it. 

Anyway, Quinn seems really familiar, his attempts at perfection and religiosity.

I talked to Ben today about similar things. We are very alike in that way... both striving to be better and starting little projects to see if we can create perfection because we don't feel it inside. 

And yet.... the post's title,   I have not been working a program... but I am wondering if I should be. Part of me still thinks the Gods reward good behavior, that providence will shine upon a man who chooses to give up his demons... though perhaps this is all just a jumble of little kid thoughts similar to the compulsions. 

I have often asked myself if I am an addict.  I am reading this book Breaking the Cycle  
and of course I find parts of it really helpful. The author is big on Eckhart Tolle, and I should probably reread those books... but in the mean time, I find this subject directed approach to be helpful.  After all I read a chapter or two that touched my heart in an uncomfortable way and couldn't pick up the book again for several days.  In the meantime I was perfectly comfortable going back to the validation of porn sites.   But then I read other sections that make me question if this is an addiction or just a dry spell in my relationship life... Is it affecting more work? my money? the way I approach people? my family and friends?  Is it keeping me from pursuing hobbies and interests? new projects?    
NO to all of that.  I am very satisfied in most of those areas...
is my self esteem in certain areas pretty shite? do I go into cycles of shame and reaction? do I worry about my voyeuristic tendencies? do I worry about my lack of boundaries and that someday I may be perceived as a monster?   YES to all of that.... 

So if some of it applies and some doesn't... am I a foot over the cliff or not even close to the edge? 

In the Daniel Quinn book he describes being in his 30s in psychotherapy still feeling like a complete waste of space, like everything is wrong with him... and he challenges his therapist to tell him what she sees in him that convinces her "he isn't really all that bad off".... she says that is for him to figure out... 
he leaves in despair,  on the bus ride home he starts trying to make a list of his good qualities, and suddenly he never has a self esteem problem again.  Before writing the list he believes he won't be able to write a single thing, but he comes up with tons of things.... and though he later thinks some of them are a little lame... he realizes he is normal enough.   and if he is normal... than what he craves is what all people crave. Attention, love, validation... and he can give that.  A week later he meets a woman, asks her on a date and later they get married. This is part of the providence he finds in his life. 
Could it be so easy to find the right life partner?


Who can know anything for sure,
tomorrow may be the day I meet her, 
flower petals open, delight, and sneezes,
songs in coffee shops create joyful tears and legs bruises (from the tapping),
buses and drunk drivers hit people all the time, better to have notes tucked in pockets and under pillows than none at all.
That way you'll know what to do with my body, my love and your tears (if you have any to share).