I have a list of things to do. One of them is sort of paper I need to write for re-licensure. A statement showing my growth as a teacher. Its hard to know exactly what to write, I mean I would like to be honest and give a real reflection of my growth...
I started a bit too naive and a bit too needy as a teacher. As much as I was aware of it and tried to caution against it, I wanted my students to be my friends. I no longer desire this. My students seem to me to be children, immature and not always very intelligent or reflective. I once thought, oh wow the things I could learn from my fellow human beings (though they be a few years younger than I). I now worry I have lost a little too much of my curiosity, and somewhat long to have that idea that I would learn directly from my students back. I do learn from them, I learn how to push and pull, how to motivate one group of them and then realize that the next group won't be motivated in the same way, so I must adapt and grow myself. I change to meet them but I also have learned that I need to set boundaries on which things I am willing to concede on... I am willing to concede on teaching that one lesson that I personally love, because I believe very firmly that this other one is more important for this batch of students. I am willing to concede perfect grammar, because I would like this student to realize they don't have to be perfect to get their ideas out... that the world would rather they engage than withhold. In fact the world will reward their engagement, even if rough around the edges...
I have also learned that text books and "facts" have nothing on life lessons... life lessons, paradigm shifts, real critical thinking sometimes requires some evidence, but the evidence itself is not the important piece. I have also learned that tests are bullshit. I mean, already knew that, but as a student I succeeded at taking tests, so I didn't feel the real anguish behind the scenes... now I have my license threatened every time a student slips up during a test... and the real life consequences of variables beyond my control reminds me that these students are being rewarded or punished for things beyond their control... I am becoming more and more convinced that traditional education doesn't serve students, or our society... there is a disconnect there and it is growing on both ends...
Strangely, I am also learning that being an alternative school teacher and being on the front lines of that battle, doesn't afford me enough access to challenge the mainstream, to make the changes I would like to see. I am starting to believe I will have to move away from the students who need help the most, in order to make the most change for all.
That is something I could write... but it won't be what I write... because that is not scientifically backed up... anthropology is not a trusted science.
I have a bunch of ME work to do too... reading a book that challenges my core concepts of self... what the hell am I supposed to do with that? The book assigns written dialogues... I am to write a play between the characters of my mind... all the examples in the book end up with the true self winning, but I am not so sure I am there yet... in fact I would say nightly I recognize I am not there yet.
I assigned myself a project at SoT today. Over the next three months Grant will be gone, and the idea is that 4 of us each take a few weeks.... Pete started and asked about prophetic practices in our lives... the times we act as if its the better world we believe in. So I was sitting there thinking, ah man I gotta remember all the questions so I don't repeat any... maybe I should write a blog post each week so that I know what we have already reflected on... and then I sat down to write one and totally thought... I am full of myself, no one wants to read this.
I think this plays into the ME work...
I am having a hard time with one of the chapters I read today... it has nothing to do with what I am thinking about because of course I shouldn't take it so black and white, but the author described living out a fantasy life instead of a real one... and this is soooooooo me. How often do I sit and ask fantasy people questions instead of venturing to ask the actual person in front of me.
The guy at Leaann Chin who I wanted to talk to because I felt like I should, because he is always nice when I am there and for a second we pretend like we are friends and then he gives me a free pop which I always feel weird about taking... or the guy I gave bus money to, because I was afraid to give him a ride home... or Huck who came to SoT today, or the girl who works here who was a student at my school before I got there... or the current barista who stared at me a few weeks ago while I was leaving so I wondered who she was... and today is the first time I have seen her since... and I want to ask her questions about her existence... but I also don't want to be creepy. Now she just caught me staring twice... so I definitely went creepy.
Is this the low self esteem thing, or the growing up in MN where no one wants to disturb anyone else thing, or the knowing that baristas aren't actually flirting with coffee shop goers thing, or the knowing that I don't want my fantasies bursted, or the combination of all of these?
But for someone who enjoys fantasy, but also realizes this might impair reality situations... where should the line be?
I have a lot of self control, but not enough to keep from looking... but if what I really want is real intimacy, validation of the real and appropriate, complexity not the simple... why I am so afraid of everything.
Oh I also have to do laundry, and keep reading this annoying book and finish some art, and call some friends to set up plans for the future.
Its pretty weird when you are not sure whether you want to cry, laugh or just stare...
A friend told me she broke down and became hysterical- and I realized I haven't done that in a long time... if ever. Even my hysterical moments look more like implosion than ex.
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| this is me staring widely at a computer camera |
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