Kristen just told me it was just for you that light show is possibly having a few shows coming up and just because i may not be able to go doesnt mean u shouldnt so stay tuned and i'll update ya when i can, (possibly the 19th sat) for you who need to take it off work.


Um I saw guster last night, that was fun, not really what i was expecting but they played a pretty chill show at the zoo and thats cool.
Work and apparently a nother round of edward 40 hands tonight, maybe i will post some pics if someone would show me how.

I have posted things like this before, but i really like this about my brother james

"hey yall, i am changing my cell phone message to include that i work for Dean, but its still my reg phone too so still call it. Also , i dont get a lick a service outside fort dodge where i live, so lways leave messeges or i wont know whats goin on, plus i will be mad lonely so you should call me more. also, i have a spiral staircase, peace yall -j"

I mean obviously its nice that he can be honest about his being lonely but the kicker is that he adds in these small joke things that just make the world. "also i have a spiral staircase" thats great.

Get your Light Show pin!!
ask kristen.
Price varies with what you have in your pocket.

I know I've said this shit before but uh

There is one basic rule if u want to be friends with me (i mean if the circumstances are right to become friends) this rule is pretty simple and mistakes are inevitable by all sides, but the rule is

you gotta try to respect people, try to care for others (and yourself, but not at the cost of others)

This rule is in place only because it is relatively impossible for me to respect and have faith in a person who refuses to do so. Basically I cant be friends with you (see how that worked out?)

Now IM writing this because tomorrow I may have to confront a friend of mine, and im owning up to the fact im disappointed in (the person) because they have strayed from this plan. So yeah....

(added on later)
that seemed sort of self righteous without me saying that i expect and ask my friends to do the same for me. (not that i wont sometimes be defensive)

There was more but fuck it it can wait

Alcohol poured into the wounds, and its self prescribed and self medicated and it hurts.

If you havent heard Ryan and David's New band P.A.J.O.I.C.O.!
have a new single called Bathtub Beatbox and if you havent already listened to it 62 times you are not cool, apparently. Anyway special guest appearance by the man Brendan B of It was just for you, that light show fame, and he also of course produced the damn thing cuz well hes an uplift mofo party plan man.

ooh 311 on the 5th dylan and the dead on the 3erd guster this thursday my concert seeing day be back and i be swinging full. also for future reference, not that we have these plans secured or anything, hell we dont have a van but uh me and my boys will be heading out to cali for a week and a half for kicks, maybe stop in new mexico for som peyote on the way back, find my spirit guide, toss my cookies a bit trip balls for a day or two then sweet straight back to mn just in time to say goodbye to a couple homies and dip out to morris for the intro to a new life. other then that my summer plans consist of sitting on my ass and working the three days a week i get at the fuckin mall.

also tonight i tasted why i dont drink - a small sip of bacardi and im back to my senses that shits nast!

i must come off like a red nosed rubber ducky regurgitating spilt laughter, seeking out shy sadness and a respect for symbiotic life.

hmm now im all nervous cuz i sent a link the site for my future roommate who contacted me via telephono and i didnae receive the message till tonight. so uh hows it going?

uh probably not too cool to have anti 4th of july comments (maybe hes patrotic?) this could be fun or funny or evil and wouldnt that be grand?

hmm i wonder how i come off in written form>>> well i suck at grammar so thats one, he will assume im a slob, i am.
and recent posts have me dancing at shows (what the fuck? i must be gay, im not.) and uh talking about police reports so im a criminal, wrong again. UH non traditonal patriotic (true dat) uh talking about my criminal friend, (who im gonna write to so if anyone has anything for chris d send it my way and i will include it)

uh what else i dunno man. im nervous for no reason, if shit hit the fan then i'll duck like normal and clean it up quick.
what else can u ask?

"did you see what god just did to us man?"

just for the record i never liked this holiday. in fact when i think about it too much it sickens me sort of like the pledge of allegiance and the national anthem

ah beautiful humidity storm, its really rocking out there!


So anyway, in the movies and books and stuff I never really wanted to be the smooth flirtatious guy. I mean sure the romantic, the smooth romantic even, but never the guy who flirts at all cost, even when he was the charming flirt guy. Cuz really I just find it kind of despicable. But that guy does strike the right note every once in a while and I do get jealous of the affection he receives. Still, i put myself in their place, and one, I wouldn't know what to do, and two would probably turn her away.
still jealousy, in the words of Pete, "state patrol" (sad but true.)

Now im gonna run the risk of having my comp blow up and watch a movie i have been trying to see for two years. Last Temptation of Christ, so many cats have told me to see it at this point that if its not good im gonna be a wreck. But i can relate to it.

State patrol!!

(inside jokes dont really fly on this do they?)

I dont think the slp police report we have all been waiting for is gonna come out. It should have been last week, but i dont get the actual paper anymore and the online one is reporting the week after already.

i had a hard time dancing at the show cuz there was muchas personas but eh good times. I always forget to get mentally prepared to pass out (it happens, **shrugs** aint no thang) but eh, hot days. Sometimes i die. My plans for getting a group together sort of worked and sort of didnt cuz most people missed the wu (5 is a bad time ) and made it to tim mahoney (pop rock motherfucker, the crowd was all women) who played at the same time as a real good folk musician. Um yeah, oh and then the wallflowers played and i aint got nothing against em but it was hot and packed in front of that stage and although there was many a beautiful lady to look at i had to keep my head covered so as not to lose my pasty exterior. anyway, we all ditched out while j dylan tried to be his father and headed back to aimee's crib in wayzata which not that i think of it could easily be featured on cribs cuz the shit is massive. he dad works for the mafia (so its ok) thats a joke but maybe he actually does.

hmmm i crashed without saying hi to my family or nova (i think she might have been here) all of whom i havent seen in weeks, but i was done tuckered out.

uh next on the agenda


Gillette (advertising) sent my father a mach 3 turbo at the wrong address, and this looks like a fine piece of machinery, like something u might order, rather then get free in the mail. But uh the package said to terrence hagger (spelled incorrectly)or occupant. So i feel confident in the fact that i can have it and play with it, like see how far i can shoot the razor part by popping it off with the little button thing. oh yes i am that tired or ill amused with life or something. As for using the damn thing i cant grow facial hair (even though i try, and its gross) meaning i tend to not even shave the 7 or so hairs i have, which is ultimately killer for any kind of good looks im trying to show off or something, but we dont really care about that sort of thing do we? besides everytime i shave someone mistakes me for a woman. (i dont even have long hair anymore)

"i would've been a sexy chick!" ~ mallrats

oh and steve will steal it, use it on his white ass head and everything that touches that boy's head, is not to be further used in my book.


um also they gave out cans of spray axe (advertisement) and i have to say that was like the most refreshing thing in the world after the show. good lordy did i need some monkey vapor. speaking of which lets find a sheap motel and bunk up in a sexual way and we can pretend we are different people in a different world and its as neccesary to our survival as watching the real world paris. hmmm ***raises eyebrow**** so what'dya say? no? ok sorry for asking. (not that i didnt mean every word, its nothing personal, im just sick of being a v card member)

V card V card only penguins like V cards V card v card yum yum.

i Have a V card took it to th market
pulled out my -----------------------------------oh and thats all the time we have goodnight everybody!!!

You'd think when something pretty bad (good) happens to a friend of yours, and not just your's but like your group of friends, you would be notified, u know?

Got a letter from a friend of mine who was arrested almost a week ago and though many a friend has tried to get ahold of him since, not a single person knew. He wants me to print him posts, or update him on the happenings at park, until he finds out for sure what is goin on with him, he says he could write back and i could post it and in that way get a message out to the community from the inside. sadly no one reads this so i'd just have to circulate his letters anyway, but that shouldnt be a problem. So now the question is what do i send?

last time it was transcendentalist and buddhist stuff. Recently he showed me he had bought several copies of different eastern religion and philosphy texts, so? crimethink.org? let him rebel while he cant rebel, get out to go back again?


I wish i could send olde english and strong bad videos.

Im gonna go to the big wu show in a few mins and hes gonna sit in a cell for another 9 hours today. 23.5 tomorrow and the next and so on for half the month. Then to find out what his actual punishment is.
keep u updated

i nabbed this link from the olde english message board, Star wars kid

you know you've done it too.

"I am only so beautiful as the character of my relationships, only so rich as I enrich those around me, only so alive and I enliven those I greet."

thas froma book tim is lending me called A Language Older then Words by derrick jensen

if molotov cocktails (or whatever they are called) start causing fires at fast food places all over town its not my fault, i just thought about it never did it. I am no arsonist!

someone teach me how to put pictures up, i have a digital camera i could have done a million perverted things by now, u have no idea how many sick pictures i could have taken al in their natural orgasmic state!!



anyway big wu manana im pretty sure im going but my mother and brothers get home from tanzania tomorrow as well and that may present complications (like in child birth!) but anyway u should go cuz its at harriet island instead of the capital and remember the storms arent supposed to come till thursday (when i will be working) so get ur kicks in before the whole shit house goes up u know?


hmm i saw anger management today and it well hella better then all yall made me think it would be.
"i feel pretty"

i no longer have kazaa cuz i got all paranoid that the shit would like melt my comp but i guess we will just have to wait for the melting of the century.


well im gonna go mix bleach and that other chemical

Tim gave me some info on a seven days remain show on the 4th but after a few days i realized i wasnt gonna be able to go and probably tossed the piece of paper it was on, but if u aint doin nothin on the 4th and thought a seven days show would be sweet (which it would) u should uh contact them boys, i think royce still works at tom thumb with steve (maybe not) and uh they have a website and an online radio site both of which should have "contact the host" type things. uh sorry, peace and love

wheres an oracle when u want it?

(self counseling, session # 8180125621010 or so)


I dont know if jenni actually reads this on a regular basis but i saw her and tim and scott tonight and it was a huge breath of fresh air, sadly only partially because it was them, (i've been so self centered lately in my thinking, its seriously weird to me) but anyway i had to leave them and although that turned out to be a good thing for reasons of personal friendships and such i really really with a good deal of my being wanted to sit down with them and hear about their lives. i barely even said hi and completely acted a fool and probably wasnt even listening to a word scott said, (which i felt bad about) but just being in their presence gave me a nice wake up to the outside world which was really just well it was like life again. and it makes me so sorry to say that especially considering the two girls i was with have made my life incredibly joyful for the past few months, but i guess i needed a view over the walls i have created.


also to illy and aimee who dont make it a habit of reading if u are offended please come talk to me about it and allow me to reassure u it had nothing to do with you, just u know its a huge part of me to see more of life and we were even talking about it tonight, with gabs and I and everyone getting bored and that whole convo about drinking and everything


have u noticed im just babbling? (classic apology fom mike coming up soon no doubt)

anyway, the point was its nice to get those quick glances from people u havent seen in a long time but always liked even if it goes completely weird and awkward its still good to leave u wondering what else does life hold? who can i bump into next and when will i see them again and blah blah blah

im sorry wuit listening to me im being pathetic and rambling like a rambling elephant or something

"you are always saying something you swear you'd never say again" thats by guster and it just happened to coincide, the second jostled point i wanted to make

is that its really hard to drop your pride sometimes, even if u have already said the same thing before, in some instances u swerve curve hint and mumble around it but still they persist and then finally u catch urself acting a fool and u still cant do it, so basically to my loves when im not making sense give me a bit of time but stay persistent and eventually i will tell u that i really just did want a little more attention and couldnt or wouldnt allow myself to admit it.

cuz "im the center of attention in the walls inside my head, and no one will ever know it if i keep my mouth shut tight tight tight." ~ guster says it best.



maybe i will babbly on to point three i been thinking of lately, and that is just what stage of enlightenment am i at really? i mean am i still on the first steps of a long journey spanning ages or am i to take the compliments of those i have loved the most and in some cases shown the least to, and assume i am well on my way, or should i just listen to my heart on a good day and know that im feeling different but evolved and more consciious or am i to take that on a bad day and feel like a hurt child with no understanding of anything and what exactly do those mean. This shit with the self centeredness for no reason do i need to take time out? where is my spirit guide and do i really have to take some drugs to find it or just wait to let the toaist wave hit me and send me a new mentor, are my eyes open enough? am i ok? am i suitable representative of decency, as in enough to allow myself to tell others what to do? isnt that gross? shouldnt i only and i mean at the most be giving suggestions or showing possible alternatives rather then demands, (not that they really take them as law, and u know that.)

argghghhh u have written a lot of bulllshit straight off the head today mike are u proud?


are u allowed to feel pride?


___its so weird on a different but always relating subject, in order to get someone to listen to advice or give a proper opinion, u have to convince the person that u understand the situation, and i do this reletively easily but more often then not when someone tries to do the same for/to me i blow it off, (obviously a sign of too much pride) but also maybe a sign that im not being honest with people and which is it? or m i just not able to explain myself and situation, and is that becuase A: i dont trust them, B: think less of them C: dont wish to burden D: cant find anything relevant that they might be able to compare with E: just think of self as SO complicated
or F just really suck at communicating and its obviously all or at elast a mix are we done yet?


where the hell is nova?

shit


get in gear mike or go watch a movie. u blew off your best friend today u know that right?

"if thats all you will be, you'll be a waste of time"




conclusion

think, read, converse, work on everything.
there u said it now fuck off

i did something i havent done in a long time yesterday, actively ignored someone, like straight up, they were talking to me and i wasn't listening on purpose, and i tried to pass it off as "oh they are drunk they wont notice and wont care, it doesnt matter they will get over it, but with each sentence the person uttered i knew it hurt more and more and i did it anyway.

thats not the only thing im not feeling good about today but i dont really know what the shit is so until further notice consider me off duty.

"dude is clearly not happy" (Thats from a sketch not me)

this may be a little late but for whomever looked up my site by name i feel real honored so three cheers to you yo


um i had a dream about this girl and then saw her today and it was good cuz nothing happened which means i dont ever have to worry really anymore, and life can go on.


and gabs says im way too paranoid lately but when was i not? i mean really

hmm im sorry for whoever is actually coming to this site, go to Ryan's he may not post a lot but at least hes talented and entertaining when he does post. i think saw like everyone i know today. Like almost just about

"North Carolina come on and raise up take your shirt off spin it around your head just like a helicopter!"

I need to get out meet some new cats, not that im bored with the ones i got, they make me happy they make me feel good, but i need to run free for a day and three nights a flight from reality. I need hallucinogens and they need me for all the wrong reasons just to mix it up


"can you put the past away?"

I had a nice talk with becky tonight which u know its been a year or two, she seemed healthy which was good, cept her ego will tear things apart, even if u make it to the 5% who can make a difference (her theory) u still gotta take out at least a percent who let their own ego keep them from being constructive however shes on a path.

I pass judgment like it was my job. I need to be knocked down a few need some drama to make me feel vulnerable stupid, need some friends who will ditch out on their own accord and i can blame myself. need a full beard and a clean shave whenever i feel the need to be dolled up. need to get dolled up more often. Need to feel attractive candle light dinners need to be more for then just myself. Need a partner, need a crime really. shake it up wake up from dreams depressed like it used to be. ooh maybe i can make my own drama. Be a (______) insert anyone here be a person. Need to be human. get a clearer vision of how things work from the inside. Need to be friends with sarah (ryan's lady) and realize that certain friendships wouldn't be healthy for me so i should stop thinking about them. as in former caretakers. a screwed up breed. stop falling for bullshit. deal with loss, deal with the constant state of self made yellow tape that holds everyone back. "i woke u up and i slit the throat of your confidence. " i like that line.


Oh I did see the first (ocd) death vision i have had in a long time, and that was sort of nice actually, cuz its like u get used to it and then they disappear, and then what are u supposed to do walls made to protect and no enemies at the gates or whatever.

Just this dude hanging by like a coat hanger in Scott N's hallway. strange that i find that comforting keep grips on my insanity. but its summer and i am to be healthy usually.


stop babbling and say something we might actually care about (thats your line)

aight i see how it is, um gabs is leaving us again and i understand, but its sad to see a friend sort of grow out of the place yall had. especially when u still love em. still let her be happy. let her get her kicks. shoo i obviously already said i wanna do the same in a sense.

um u all agree i need something to do with my life right?
good cuz honestly im just wading.

"i got mad at the cheat for screwing up the jumbles caper, I hope i dont see his name in the paper, in the obituary, cuz that would mean he's dead, the cheat is not dead, im so glad the cheat is not dead."

it had to be done

dude so aimee told me to actually post on that camping trip since i said i might, but really i'd rather comment on how my hair still smells like smoke 5 days later is that not fucked? do i have shitty shampoo or what maybe i should go with real poo.




i aint done nothin
so i taint go nothing to post bout. Know what i mean? yeah u know what i mean.

HMM i wrote a poem in my head about night time as i went to sleep at 1:20 from boredom that was stupid. and i forgot the poem. razimonkey
work in an hour.


what a cream filled pastry.

crazy like parfume on a goatolde english has updated their site. just about all of it is real good, but some are obviously more funny then others, i recommend the rap video just cuz its sweet.


often i dont have anything to say, but i know i will be mad at myself later if i dont post something new by the next time i check my site, so i post little updates like this. Plus their bandwidth really is shite and taken up quick so i figured i'd give the 4 of u ahead start.

ps, camping was interesting maybe i will post more about it later.

curtesy of kristen

call and come over, that is i mean if im home ur invited but wait till i get back

sorry to give u so much to read,
in need of a few things

for all those who came here a searching for stuff related to Titilayo Bediako, (i hope this isnt too late) but this is from nova, if u wish to help follow her suggestions.

nova writes
"Concerned friends of mine,

I have been in contact with Titi Bediako about the current situation with her
son. I asked her if she thought we should be writing to the newspapers of
Minnesota to pressure them to continue with the story and to take it more
seriously (I saw only one tiny article in the Metro/State section of the Star
Tribune last week). This was Titi's response to the suggestion:

attention. They will play on the angle that White people are also concerned
about this issue. One day, we won't have to play such games.>>

I plan to write to the Star Tribune and Pioneer Press, and any other paper
that I can think of, not necessarily as an Op/Ed piece, but to let them know
that I want this story taken seriously and covered well, not hidden in the
Metro section. And I plan to express the depth of the impact of this situation
on Minnesota, on all of our communities. If you would like to write a short
letter, adding your own flare, saying something along the same lines, it would
be much appreciated.

Writing to the Star Tribune:

(Options include a Letter to the Editor, or putting in the first line
"Submitting story idea", then direct it to section of your choice,
Metro/State, Opinion/Editorials, etc.. I think both would work)

Star Tribune
425 Portland Ave.
Minneapolis MN 55488

***

Writing to the Pioneer Press:

(Direct it to a department, i.e.. News, Minneapolis News, Editorials, etc..)
Letter to the Editor
Pioneer Press
345 Cedar Street
St. Paul, MN 55101


Please help us get the word out that we will not allow this investigation to
die out, that police brutality rooted in racism must be publicly scrutinized
and stopped. Your letter will make a difference.

Thanks. Email me with any questions or comments. Please pass this along to
anyone who you think may be interested.

~Nova Luna"

jenny sent this to me a long time ago i been meanign to post it, (i dont remember doing it so im doing it now, if i did, make me aware and i shall unpost)

"Culture Change Letter #21
The Machine versus Food-Not-Lawns
by Jan Lundberg
Sustainable Energy Institute http://www.culturechange.org
Welcome to the machine: Everytown, USA. When we walk down the streets of our cities, the right angles and blocks that we navigate are part of our mechanical domestication. Control over each human and over nature is what dominant society intends every second, even over centuries. This is just as a machine is supposed to do: control a process as long as it can function. Machine parts and products are preformulated objects of uniformity, and so are our towns--despite the unique restaurant or cute house.
The surfaces of the towns and cities are of industrial material; even lawns are biological pavement soaked with Chevron "lawn care" designed to kill those pesky (but edible and beautiful) dandelions. Most pavement and roofing material is asphalt from the dregs of oil refining--a machine product.
The Earth, meanwhile, is something to be sucked dry, as the oil and water are exploited for profit and population growth. The rain is not to be soaked into the soil, but run off elsewhere, washing "away" the poison dusts and fluids, rendering the nearest bodies of water unfit (aside from the sewage) for providing shellfish, for example, as sustenance.
Alvin Toffler pointed out in The Third Wave that our clocks and watches that became universal in recent history were part of our mechanization. (Off went my watch from my wrist permanently.) "Time Pollution" was an unusual article in the Auto-Free Times, several years ago, on the distortion of time-keeping that warps our social existence.
Human beings are not machines, but you wouldn't know it by the flow of commuters doing the same thing day in day out, year after year, as they stifle their spirits and bring on their early demise with cancer and heart disease. Instead of a tree or a rock to touch as we may make our way on a trail, we hold a steel rail that was manufactured by machines. As the worker or shopper holds that rail, performing the duty of getting from point A to B, the hand and rail become united and integrated as parts of the city machine.
We don't have to live like this. Some live pleasantly in opposition as they create an alternative, while others confront the system in various ways, usually in painful and perhaps vain fashion. It is now our role in history to put history to bed. History is the record of domination and manipulation, and the dominant civilization has been holding it up for almost 10,000 years as the culmination of the "top" life form's work--as if living were not sufficient, and becoming the scourge of the universe was the only worthwhile way of the culture. Our generation seems fated to get humanity back on a path of truth and justice, as just another creature among countless others. Humility can thus triumph over pride and power.
Maybe we don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater, by stopping writing and printing, but the question must always be: what is sustainable? Do we have to assure the possibility of another Shakespeare-level writer for the masses, using technologies to disseminate "the finest" art and propaganda? Or will we give it up for the way of the Iroquois Nation which eschewed technology and growth, for the sake of the welfare of always seven generations hence?
The purpose of the city machine, or any machine, is to do a great amount of work with exosomatic--usually fossil fuel--energy, using less human or animal energy. The purpose of the energy-application is to create surpluses. The surpluses have been throughout history for the purpose of expansion of the territory or empire, and for the expansion of the personal fortunes of society's dominators.
A home environment, and more so the typical work environment, consists of artificial objects and surfaces that circulate microscopic molecules, unseen, that we breathe and swallow. Most of these are some petroleum compound, and you don't want to smell the factories making these things. What, am I against jobs? Today's cancer victims and their families would have to question the false security that the Pollution Economy, alias the Growth Economy, has wrought. Cancer and heart attacks used to be rare, before industrial, urban living became the norm.
We don't have to pick on the USA for a good glimpse of industrial living that has turned people into machines. The foremost progenitor of machinelike social institutions is (to read remainder of article, see
http://www.culturechange.org/e-letter-21cont.html#cont) "

humid lack of senses purpose or entertainment seeking

dreaming of rockstarness

wish for random wake up call, who needs sleep when life is as such

I dont really have anything to say lately, lots of drama but im too involved to talk, I keep getting in these sober somber moods, I should right a poem or song about that, but instead I just kind of sit and stare at stuff in a somewhat gloomy anticipation of whatever will come.

but that's cool.

yeah so I did go to Morris the other day and registered and shit and that's cool. Nice to spend sometime with Kristen and Danny and listen to good music, on a nice day, but I think I was worried I was being overly talkative as if to say "im not comfortable and im breaking the silence for that." So I didn't talk much later.

Aimee is back from Montana and she had a good time, im rather excited to see her.

All these girls who I love, and cant do anything about it, and then at the end of the night im glad nothing did happen cuz I should be satisfied with what I have cuz its tremendous and beautiful.

I have definitely become more preachy again. bleed that out of me. people kept asking no more making them dependent, its unhealthy and abusive. (which brings them closer)

its really nice to know that i can still drop any sort of stupidity like horndoggedness when its in need of beng dropped.

as in ladies, if im falling all over u in love in a that sort of way, tell me something serious and all my energy will be refocused to a way that might be more comfortable to deal with.

not that i flirt all the time or anything, but when i do, if its unwanted, press the button (ask or tell me something) and its a whole new game.

romeo and juliet the new version, honestly one of the best movies ever

One day the young innocent, extremely polite, somewhat ignorant in a good way, beautiful kid who somehow respected my opinion and considered me a friend though we had never hung out brought a balloon to the bus stop. and asked me if i thought the girl would like it. I tried to help, and hoped with every molecule i considered mine that it would be enough. That she would love him and he her. But walking home that day he had his head down.

shit i had this post that compared christ and buddha and radiohead and that vicworld's death thing as well as my earlier statements on communication. and now its fucked. would have been decent but the damn thing died.
oh well another day

sweet

it'd be nice to meet someone who knew me. like for real yo, i mean im sure i wouldnt accept the fact that they really knew me but thats ok, as long as they gave me some advice that i could secretly look into.
im not in anyway saying that im so complex no one can understand me, err like i alone, i figure we are all so complex. just kinda wish i could meet someone smarter then us i guess. something like that, oh well back to the drawing board

oh sorry for not having anything profound or beautiful lately, yall will just have to twiddle your thumbs some more or something.

michael a is back in town, lots of cats to see man. im really not feeling this registration thing on thursday.
tim i dont know if u been reading lately but eh, im done with ur book, maybe hand it off to kristen tomorrow or the next day.

hmm, radiohead is good. heard some at a coffeehouse, brought all my cds in here to listen to. good times

a thing i dislike very much, and i know i have talked about this before, but its like u can say "the words are the worlds i sailed upon" (a phish quote) u can say that all you want but its never enough, i mean the words arent. They are never enough to exress anything real, never a true feeling or thought. Never how much a person means to you, or the beauty of a thing, or even worse the essence of something. Its just bullshit, true enlightenment is just direct communication with the world. so why arent the fucken scientists and everyone else working on that. lets get enlightened. lets be lets quit spending moments trying and just do it. no more bullshit no?

fuck this noise. damnit it still doesnt work. fuck oh well, more babble expect it. and i think im doin better so illy is a goddess.

and after that crazy evil dream i had about highschool, i had another one the next night almost exactly the same only everything was much more calm and i think it ad everything to do with the fact tim and kristen came over and gave me some suggestions for classes to take so thank yall you too are elevated to new heights. and why is height spelled with an e seriously its not even a good language.

i need a picture, im actually ot pissed at all right now im pretty damn good, except i have energy and energy needs expression and lack of expression leads to frustration so sometimes im frustrated.

good luck to all the graduates and the fucken kids who are taking a summer break from highschool after tomorrow. cuz college maybe be "harder" but college woul be incredible shit if ya hadnt gone though the hell of highschool and the somehow worse jr high.

so yall are doin sweet.

peace and love,
"i just dont know what to do with myself!!" ~ whitestripes doing some burt bacharach

shoo they wouldnt let me post this morning so done commented like a motha

then i had some dreams and missed illy's party. feelin shitty for that.
i had a nightmare about highschool, only it wasnt very highschool like, much more volatile, and in another dream i married allison w as a joke but everyone thought we were serious.

life be strange.

well my mom is married, the family is now 6 men 1 woman, steve is drunk, james is with nova i think, and uh i got a lot of people home safely.

sorry to anyone i ditched out on at the party just, the sobs man has responsibilities including making up for drunken friends selling "sober cabs" cups to let them drink to the point where they puke and need me to drive them home and walk the mile and a half back to the party, but thats coo.
(i like how just about no one at the party reads this)

"and the feeling coming from my bones, says find a home."

my mother is getting married today, i have yet to figure out what that means, other then that great number of cats living in my house now, and the fact that grandma mae an extra trip into town from cali. As for that quote obviously from a sweet song, so no need to even justify, howeva i think my mom has had that feeling for a long time and maybe now it will actualy be.

too much dependency, but its the way we be.
also for future notice, i think you're keen. (winks)

highschool has gotten out of hand. Steve was showing me the year book, in the back where they have the student index or whatever, the staff snuck in "Ivan, A. on page 69" as in ivan a 69, page 420 has Bus, Canni. OUR staff never would have had the "whatevas" to sneak that in. They got away with fake day 1 t shirts on day 69, and all of them are individualized with fancy drug and sex references and nick names. And they wear the shit in school. Either we werent ballsy enough, or the administration is shite now, cuz u know it aint cuz we were more mature.

is it just me, or did charles start a blog?

those are two links to the same thing.

but then he stopped, i dont get it, i mean thats like gettin us hooked and then not bringing us in for the catch and release (mutilating a million fish a year) fun times. "its doesnt hurt them" right (sarcasm)

anyway. i been watching dvds and reading this book tim let me borrow about this cattle rancher guy who became vegan after seeing all the damage feedlots and the basic human carnivore phase has brought to the earth. Im actually quite enjoying it, i mean in the sense that there is lots of info and the human side of getting to hear this dudes life story, yet still i had chicken at dinner. what a trash can i am.

and now to end it some words from a mixed veggies (from wet hot american summer)
"look gene, ive never told anyone this before, but i can suck my own dick, and i do it, a lot. There I said it, I was honest and you know what Gene being honest makes you feel better."

from nova luna

"Hey my loved ones,

I am forwarding this because how tragic and close to home this is. I received
this article from my former 6th grade teacher, who I will be interning with
this summer at the We Win Institute. Titilayo Bediako is one of the most
amazing influences on my life, taught me so much about who I am and who I want
to become. She is an amazing teacher and mother. This is devistating to our
city, our country.

Hope all is well.

mucho amor,

Nova Luna
>===== Original Message From TBediako@aol.com =====
Dear Friends:

I have enclosed a copy of an article that I have written about the beating
that my son took from the Minneapolis police. I would appreciate it if you
could get the article to as many people as possible. If this kind of violence
against our
children and community is going to stop, we must make it stop.

I intentionally left my son's name out of the article for those who would do
him harm.

I put a short bio on myself so the newspaper would know something about me.

Thank you for your support

Sincerly,

Titilayo

______________
Titilayo Bediako

Titilayo Bediako is a teacher extraordinaire.
When she came to the Minneapolis Public Schools in 1991 she brought the African American holiday of Kwanzaa with her. Amongst her credits include runner up for Teacher of the year, Outstanding Black Teacher, awarded by the Minneapolis Black Principals’ Association. She was awarded The Council of the Great City Schools National Urban Education Teacher Recognition Aware by the Council of the Great City Schools; Ms. Bediako was awarded the Martin Luther King award. She also was awarded the Minneapolis Award and she is the 2002 recipient of the National Trensholm Award from the National Education Association (NEA) which is awarded to only two educators in the United States. This fall she recognized by the Minneapolis Public School Board and given a certificate of Excellence for her work with children. Titilayo Bediako is the founder and executive director of WE WIN Institute, Inc.


Every Mother’s Nightmare
By Titilayo Bediako

Every mother who has a Black son, worst nightmare is that her child will have an altercation with the police. This terrifying experience happened for my son on Friday, May 30th on the northside of Minneapolis.

My son is a fourteen year old who takes great pride in the way he dresses. On Friday, he wore white shorts, a blue shirt and blue dew rag, covered by a white visor, and blue tennis shoes. He is graduating from eighth grade and has passed the Minnesota Basic Standards Test and Math and Reading. He does not do drugs and is not in a gang. He has aspirations to be an airline pilot; he loves sports, math and playing chess.

As my son and his friend were leaving the corner store on Penn and Golden Valley Road, they were greeted at the door by a police officer on a bicycle. Two other Black male youth were walking outside the store behind my son and his friend. The officer told all four boys to put their hands up against the wall.

Since my son was ten years old, I have had to unfortunately teach him that he does not have the same rights as other citizens because he is a Black male. I have told him if the police ever stop him, to say as little as possible, do what they tell him to and to never ever talk back to them. There are too many horror stories where Black male youth have come up dead, missing, or extremely hurt by one wrong word to the police.

As the officer tells my son and the other boys to hold up the wall with their hands, the white male police officer comes up to my son and commands him to pull out his wallet. As he reaches for his pocket to find his wallet, the officer punches him in the face, grabs both of his arms with one hand and grabs him by the neck with his other hand and begins to chock my son. Quickly and fiercely, the officer throws him to the ground. Then the officer begins to kick my son in the stomach and legs. He took his fist and punched him in his face several times. The police officer took out his handcuffs and cuffed him so tightly that scars were left on his wrists. The “protector of the community” grabs my son’s wallet out of his pocket and slaps him in the face with it.



The officer proceeds to make a bizarre statement to my son, “Why aren’t you following my instructions?” My son responds, “Sorry sir, I was getting my wallet out like you told me.” “No, I didn’t,” snorted the officer, “It makes me very angry when people don’t follow my instruction.” The police officer began going through my son’s pocket and then he takes off my son’s shoes, looking for drugs. He tells my fourteen year old, “I’ve seen you before, and I know you have drugs.” He phones in my son’s name to the central office to verify the police record that this Black boy must have because this officer “knew” him.

“Why are you here?” the officer demanded to know from my son. My son replied, “My friend and I were buying candy from the store.” “Where do you live?” the officer retorted, “South Minneapolis,” he quickly commented. In another bizarre twist the officer said,” Have you ever been on 38th and Chicago Avenue?” My son said, “Yes sir.” The officer continues to say, “This spot (Penn and Golden Valley Road) is just like being over there. People get in trouble over here all the time, just like over there. When you wear rags on your head it makes you a suspect.”

The officer’s phone begins to ring. He is told that my son does not have a police record. To add insult to injury, the officer says to my son, “Are you ever going to get in trouble like this again?” He says, “No sir.” The other officer standing next to the assaulting police comments, “He’s lying.” They take the handcuffs off my son and tell him he can go. They let my son know that they are doing him a favor by letting him go.

Imagine how terrified I am when my son calls and informs me that he has been beaten by the police. As I pick him up from his friend’s house on 16th and Penn, tears come to my eyes as I see how they have scared and bloodied his face. As we drive down Plymouth Avenue, we pass the police station. I stop and have my son come with me so that the officer in charge can see what their people have done to my son. When I tried to get in, the door was locked. It wasn’t until an elderly African American man came out of the building could we go into the police station. I asked to speak to the officer in charge. As my son explains to Sergeant Young, who was in charge, what happened to him, the sergeant looks at me and says, “Well it wasn’t one of my guys. Those guys on bikes are in another unit downstairs and they are closed for the night. You have three choices, 1) report to the supervisor downstairs tomorrow, 2) call internal affairs, or 3) call CRA.” I say in an upset tone, “I can’t make a report?” In a very nasty tone he said, “No.” Feeling very emotional, I say, “What use are you if I cannot report a crime when it happens?” The lead officer looks at me and says, “Get your ass out of my house!” I look at him and say, “The police station is your house?” He says, “You damn right, get out.”


This experience is reminiscent of slavery days, when the “master” beat and maimed African Americans for no other reason than they “looked” like they might be doing something wrong. So many mothers teach our son’s to be respectful, do their best, and stay out of trouble; my son gets beat up by the police for no other reason than the police have the power to do so. This incident did not happen at night, it happened at 6:00 p.m. The sun was shining and it was a bright day. How have the police come to feel so comfortable to beat up on our children without fear of reprisal?

My son comes from a long line of social activists. You can imagine how appalled his grandfather, Matthew Little was, who has worked for the human and civil rights of African Americans and all citizens for the last sixty years. My son’s grandfather has been in the forefront in creating the NAACP in Minneapolis, he helped organize the March on Washington in 1963, he took the leadership in the desegregation of the schools in Minneapolis, worked with city officials to assure that there was diversity and promotions for people of color in the police and fire departments. Matthew Little has received many accolades and honors for his work to assure that Minneapolis guarantees rights for all of its citizens. Yet through all his years of work and sacrifice, his grandson is profiled and beaten up just because he is an African American male.

Citizens in Minneapolis are bombarded with images on the news of African American youth, stealing, killing, doing drugs, joining gangs and creating havoc. We are given the impression that these youth represent most African American teenagers in our city. It is highlighted to the point that the police department has declared war against our children. What is even scarier is that we as citizens have given them the green light to do so. It is true that some of our youth do bad things, but that is true of all youth, not just African Americans.
The vast majority of African American youth are going to school, looking for summer jobs and activities that will keep them engaged this summer. Our children need our leadership and direction, not whippings from adults. If I were to beat on my son like the police did, I would be arrested and probably given prison time. A police officer can hurt my son, and it is alright because it was a Black boy that he beat.

We as citizens need to understand that what happens to one of our children, no matter what his or her race or culture is, is an assault on all of our children. Until the police learn how to talk to, treat and relate to our children and our community, the kinds of negativity that we abhor will continue and escalate. We need officers that come from our community’s and have genuine relationships with our citizens. Police officers need training on how to work with and talk to our people. We are no longer slaves. African Americans deserve respect just as all citizens do.


When the police station was erected on Plymouth Avenue, it was sold as a tool to better serve the African American community and that it would assist in keeping the northside safe. What happened? The police station is locked down, as if the officers are afraid of the citizens in the community that they are suppose to serve. When citizen are disrespected by the police, how can the police expect citizens to be respectful of them? The police on Plymouth Avenue need to unlock their doors, get out among the citizens, get to know them, and become part of the community, not a separate entity that is in isolation from and does not work with the community. To make north Minneapolis strong and viable the police must work with the community to create common solutions for the northside.

Citizens of Minneapolis must let the police know that beating our children will not be tolerated. An assault on our children is an assault on our entire community. Force must not be permitted by the police unless it is absolutely necessary. It is not the job of the police to determine the punishment of any of its citizens; that is the job of the courts. If the police break the law, they must be prosecuted and treated like any other criminal.

My son’s physical scars will heal. The worst scars that he has are psychological. With each punch to my son’s face, the police officer on the bike taught my son that the police are not his friend. When the officer kicked my son in the stomach he taught my son that the police are part of the “thugs” on the street. And with the officer making assumptions about my son based on his dress, he sent the message that if you are a Black male, that the police are against you and that they will attack. This must change. It will only change when we as citizens demand that it change. If our tax dollars continue to support the police, the police must support and protect all of its citizens.

"taj, i learned long ago that worrying is like a rocking chair, gives you something to do, but it doesnt get you anywhere." ~van Wilder

somehow the cd in my player keeps switching between ok computer and downward is heavenward by hum, i dont know how this happens, and i dont so much mind it, its just that u turn on the cd player expecting to hear one, and the other is on, and u say to yourself "what the fuck?" cuz no one else in ur family would listen to either. So it must've been you, but u have no idea when, and thats just loco.

"The word that i heard was so absurd
I can't believe it slipped from my lips

The tongue from which it was sung was so dumb
I wish to pull it from my skull

What the fuck was I thinking" ~311

thats in regards to a situation today, and this is too, but also to the other people i been talking to lately. Um seriously i have been using this "we" thing when ever i want to tell someone something. And its seriously bullshit man, like yall know i talk to cats about just about everything, and i do take peoples suggestions and ideas to back up my own, but whenever im not feeling vert confident i will resort to this "we think this_____ "or we feel that_____" and thats shit, its just me being too stupid to be honest with what im thinking or feeling and i hope yall will call me on that shit (like a few of you have been) cuz thats good, so to jv hw ik sorry and thanks (not that any of em read this, but i will tell em personally) and to the rest of yall im sorry kick my ass net time u see me.

i dont tend to lead people on in conversations neraly as much as i used to. A few years ago when i wanted to make a point to someone, i'd often just keep asking them questions to see if they would come to the same sort of conclusions. I wonder when that changed. Now i tend to just snap or shut up. My patience must have gone down mucho.

a note from my pocket

You be the polar bear nudging up against the bars,
playing
entertaining
and getting treats for your affection
but the truth is,
and i dont mean to upset you
its just --im not in the mood for the zoo today.

also kelsey j was right about me and my hair, so i cut most of that one braid i had going and now its just the dreaded up section, and it feels right

I was just thinking talking to a lady friend about strippers, always playing the fantasy, never getting to be human. I was thinking thats got to be incredibly hard, cuz really you cant win. they can never live up to the fantasy they wish to create, only with the person's help (which they are often willing to give, but sometimes for a very negative conclusion) its just weird, i mean we need these people as much as we need our "wiseman-jesus archetype" we need our fantasies to go on with our lives, they fill voids and give us hope. Still they are human, they have all the troubles and more of humans. Rough
(heres what i said to the lady, maybe it will be more clear, none of this was thought out too well)

TAFFY man1 [1:53 AM]: i find it really interesting to see you basically taking the normal male perspective on such activities.
--her comments (didnt know if it was ok or not)
TAFFY man1 [2:01 AM]: i was thinking this fantasy, is sort of like a wise man, or like jesus or something, because basically no human can live up to it, but we all like to fantasize about them, glorify them in some way rather then seeing them for who they are. but also its essential, we need to have our role models, heroes, and yes fantasies so that we can go on being human. but it must be a hard role to play, especially considering all the negative sides of that job in particular.
--her comments (didnt know if it was ok or not)
TAFFY man1 [2:01 AM]: not only like what they as people feel but also the way it may screw up their lives just within our societal structure

i dont know, maybe i can research more (go to more strip clubs and watch more porn and read more manuscripts written hundreds of years ago, and mythology and all sorts of shit)

----sorry if that was all -repeat

you know what they say, when it rains it pours.

My mothers cup is overflowing, she has at some point in her life made the choice to spill it right here at home, and so we all guard are already filled selves with both hands, compounding the problem.

it aint gonna be perfect but everything gonna be aight.

funny but horrible

craving energy, sex and drama,

arguments with real passion, and holding hands

//
sometimes on summer nights (and it is) u kind of wish or one of those nights that feels like the end of the world, cuz the feeling is right, but not the events were not set in motion, maybe its mourning
\\

need to stop eating chocolate, go on a walk

and this ones cuz my game is frozen


So while i was visiting gabs i went to this on class of hers thats was learning about war crimes and such. That days topic was rape, and they shower a nice little video. (i have mentioned this b 4)

now i dont know why this is all coming back to me right now, but im thinking about it, and i have to say that video was one of the most disturbing things i've seen and heard in my life. Not so much that it was new info, more just so very real.
Now the majority of the movie had to do with female rape, but after a good 40 mins or so they brought up the fact that men are raped as well, and this was a good thing, just so that it could reach the whole audience. So they were discussing male rape, and brought up the fact that sometimes peetration isnt enough, sometimes they like to really humiliate the man by castratng him. And i think that really drove it home for me. Cuz well, to be honest, though i have alway known rape is a horrible horrible thing, i never knew just how horrible until they compared it to men getting castrated, and now it makes much more sense. I think they should do that more often. Just to you know, reach the whole audience. Cuz we will never really understand anything until its put in our terms.

rr.com sorry for not posting u should chill for a bit. enjoy the sun the wind, these be sloven days and i be a nerd in other parts.

"Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Can you take me with you?
For my hand is cold
And needs warmth
Where are you going?

Far beyond where the horizon lies
Where the horizon lies
And the land sinks into mellow blueness
Oh please, take me with you

Let me skip the road with you
I can dare myself
I can dare myself
I'll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk (watch me walk)
I can walk and walk!
(I can walk!)

I shall call the pebble Dare
I shall call the pebble Dare
We will talk, we will talk together
We will talk (chorus) about walking
Dare shall be carried
And when we both have had enough
I will take him from my shoe, singing:
"Meet your new road!"
Then I'll take your hand
Finally glad
Finally glad
That you are here
By my side"

its really quite amazing the human experiance tranferred warped tangled up in oursleves, and a thousand miles away its ringing in another's ears. Web of dependency, golden errors are made. shelters are found, words written, letters sent out. I was gonna write a letter last night to everyone of my friends telling them to be cautious of me. i find im neglecting my duties at all times, but i was actually trying for once, or i thought i was, or im not at all and people think i am which makes me think i am which would make sense. But thats not what this is about, this about how intertwined the human race is, and i will prove it all day, while listening to yanni, cuz the dudes music is sweet.

i woke up to stomach absence, and tried to get that breakfast going, no luck they need sleep, and I cant.

listening to hum, trying to think of songs i could put on a cd for my mom.

like 5 things or so that will make no sense to u the reader but thats coo.

so i both had an amazing and really shitty night. this is a good thing.

since my chat with Gabs before she left, i have been trying to be more honest in my needs and be more forward in what i can and cannot give people, someone called me out on that, im really unsure of where to go with it, i really tried to make the person see, but the truth is they are right and im just afraid. i think i ended up kind of mentioning that but they may not remember it in the morning.

third since a little before that chat with Gabs last week i have felt really, um scared by the fact that so many people view me as their "cure all", and i know that is my fault, but im afraid of being stuck in that and not knowing what to do, and i really dont, so yeah.

hmm i feel really bad for my dog.

I feel really bad for my mom, we all have too much pride, and busy lives, its her birthday tomorrow and we skipped out of mothersday and we have nothing planned for tomorrow either. we are shitty children, but we all try our bests to be good people.

Mr. A was at the mall today buying gifts for himself for his 52 birthday, and it was really nice to talk to him, he was telling me all about his kid, and he had that look about him where you know hes telling the truth about the fact his kid makes the wolrd for him. i want tobe that kind of parent. Mike F and i had a really interesting chat about children too. Its been hrd for me to drop my guard with him considering our pasts, but the truth is hes a great guy.

some nights you never want to end, so u make plans to wake up early and go to breakfast, these our dreams. Hangovers and apathy the reality. But as foulkes and I were saying earlier even fucked up dreams are nice.


I still feel a mix of shit and happiness, and its really nice to feel. and im very very worried, but everyone has passed out so i can go home for the night. (meaning to bed since im already home) (this is a note to myself in the future, cuz that way i wont be confused about when i wrote this.)

The feeling of guilt is a sign u have wrongfully taken too much of another's energy. A humble apology is simply giving back.


i find it really interesting to think of all interactions in simple terms of energy balance.

matt wrote something on his website about christianity being a crutch, in dos words, mos def.

If u cant admit that u probably arent christian and most likely have too much pride. feel free to feel otherwise. feel free to converse with a boy about it.



as for that shit i posted yesterday (the previous post, located -down.) Obviously that shit is some harsh propaganda and i dont really think bush is the next hitler but i dont agree with what he has done, and though chris gives me shit (and rightfully so) for bush bashing, im not gonna stop, cuz while in office the boy is powerful and we can all forgive and forget when the shit is over and we have picked up our responsibilities again, but for now we need to look at where were at and not feel so proud.

my moms sent me this,

"A disturbing essay by Thom Hartmann --



February 27, 2003, was the 70th anniversary of Dutch terrorist Marinus van der Lubbe's successful firebombing of the German Parliament (Reichstag) building, the terrorist act that catapulted Hitler to legitimacy and reshaped the German constitution. By the time of his successful and brief action to seize Austria, in which almost no German blood was shed, Hitler was the most beloved and popular leader in the history of his nation. Hailed around the world, he was later Time magazine's "Man Of The Year."

Most Americans remember his office for the security of the homeland, known as the Reichssicherheitshauptamt and its SchutzStaffel, simply by its most famous agency's initials: the SS.

We also remember that the Germans developed a new form of highly violent warfare they named "lightning war" or blitzkrieg, which, while generating devastating civilian losses, also produced a highly desirable "shock and awe" among the nation's leadership according to the authors of the 1996 book "Shock And Awe" published by the National Defense University Press.

Reflecting on that time, The American Heritage Dictionary (Houghton Mifflin Company, 1983) left us this definition of the form of government the German democracy had become through Hitler's close alliance with the largest German corporations and his policy of using war as a tool to keep power: fascism n. A system of government that exercises a dictatorship of the extreme right, typically through the merging of state and business leadership, together with belligerent nationalism."

Today, as we face financial and political crises, it's useful to remember that the ravages of the Great Depression hit Germany and the United States alike. Through the 1930s, however, Hitler and Roosevelt chose very different courses to bring their nations back to power and prosperity.

Germany's response was to use government to empower corporations and reward the society's richest individuals, privatize much of the commons, stifle dissent, strip people of constitutional rights, and create an illusion of prosperity through continual and ever-expanding war. America passed minimum wage laws to raise the middle class, enforced anti-trust laws to diminish the power of corporations, increased taxes on corporations and the wealthiest individuals, created Social Security, and became the employer of last resort through programs to build national infrastructure, promote the arts, and replant forests.

To the extent that our Constitution is still intact, the choice is again ours.

-------------------------------------------------

Thom Hartmann lived and worked in Germany during the 1980s, and is the author of over a dozen books, including "Unequal Protection" and "The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight." This article is copyright by Thom Hartmann, but permission is granted for reprint in print, email, blog, or web media so long as this credit is attached. "

used with out permission and i forgot to ask about the marker from sat. (he was being angry drunk so we marked him up good)

BaLLER3503 [1:53 PM]: so you got your game than eh]
TAFFY man1 [1:54 PM]: yes and it doesnt work
TAFFY man1 [1:54 PM]: im gonna go check it at petes
BaLLER3503 [1:54 PM]: well thats mikes fault not mine
BaLLER3503 [1:54 PM]: cuz he had it longer than ,me]
TAFFY man1 [1:54 PM]: well we will all have to discuss that
TAFFY man1 [1:55 PM]: then i will take u guys to the people's court and make u get all dressed up and humiliated
BaLLER3503 [1:55 PM]: whatevs, i dont care about life anymore----my buthole is now 20 n=inches wide
TAFFY man1 [1:55 PM]: por que?
BaLLER3503 [1:55 PM]: finals week, it is death of mankind
TAFFY man1 [1:55 PM]: ah well manan yall get to do edward 40 hands
BaLLER3503 [1:56 PM]: eventually yes, I am gonna play card with your bro i think on wend
BaLLER3503 [1:56 PM]: card
BaLLER3503 [1:56 PM]: s
BaLLER3503 [1:56 PM]: you should swoop
BaLLER3503 [1:57 PM]: oh an tell steve i got his 35
TAFFY man1 [1:57 PM]: i be working
BaLLER3503 [1:57 PM]: k
TAFFY man1 [1:57 PM]: gabs says hi
BaLLER3503 [1:58 PM]: well thats nice but i must go back to expanding my asshole size
BaLLER3503 [1:58 PM]: peace out]
TAFFY man1 [1:58 PM]: aye have a nice day
Auto response from BaLLER3503 [1:58 PM]: Yeaaaa I love school and tests and finals!! oh wait NO i suck balls at school and god hates me so i will fail this final no matter what

that last post wasnt at all what i meant to say i just wasnt thinking.

Gabs says hi, she is enjoyin freedom (france) getting hit on by old men and drinking wine till the wee hours.

sounds like fun

i just had several dreams i was enjoying at the time but now i feel quite guilty for them.

um i got my damn civ 3 game back and it doesnt work, so head will roll.

and i be off for work tonight like every night so peace to ya

this post is out-e

I woke up to steve and my mother talking about the joys of drinkin and smoking (neither are into it)
steve sounded worried and basically described one of his friends worse nights. It sounded a lot like every night around my friends. They drank 76 beers yesterday. It was 72 the day before. They amount of money spent on this shit is crazy. Aaron described how his big fancy career insurance job pays well until u convert it to beer money. Nick plans to throw a nice party this weekend. $10 a head for friday and saturday, hes talking at least $150 just to get started on enough alcohol.

Mike F and I ran on a nostalgia trip around 3 this morning while John drew whiskers on zachs face.

Im about to leave with steve to go to the family reunion, my gramps b day. wonder who all will show. Its weird with my extended family. Talking to gabs about this recently, but uh I never really felt at home with them (in comparison to my brothers and such) but i have kind of learned to respect them and understand that though i may not feel i belong its still good for me to have an understanding of them for the sake of my own family. As in, these people helped mold how my father thinks, and all ready we have seen the conflicts of brothers pass down to their kids (us) and this way i can prepare to be a diabetic, since its basically going to happen. shit like that. Plus they helped send me to europe so i gotta be greatful for that.

and my yusuf islam cd skips like mad. errr work from his old name.

oh well be back later, you take care now.

d for the three of you who are reading i leave you with this message ____directly from the You and the Sound page and the button hanging round me neck each day.

" 06/01/2003 Bozart and You and the Sound
Bozart not only introduced us to mixed meter music, but Peter (from Bozart) recorded and mixed our piece. See our links section to hear their music and buy their new cd!
Event Type Live Performance
Time 6:00 PM
Admission Fee free

Venue Info Name Eclipse Records
Type other
Location 1692 Grand Ave.
St. Paul, Minnesota 55105 USA
Phone 651-698-0908 "

and you should go cuz then we can make love with our energies from across the room and such.

i think i should keep records other then my memory, its a faulty system. Its swayed by the wind and the sunshine into thinking we were fine.

"infinity's eons" was an excellent song.

somewhere someone is crying


in the future i will write a song called "the death of the finest beer fish"

cuz it needs to happen.

also me and pete suicided out in risk and nick won, which is his first victory.

bon voyage gabs dont fret, u wont get this message.

what else, uh its risk time yall have fun.

as i told gabs tonight its not completely over cuz i wont let it be but i will try to be more balanced, and less in opposition to myself for all of your sakes. sorry for the overly dramatic bullshit but u know it happens.

i get by with a little help from my friends.

and officially dement is not the verb form of demented.
and jax is not a word. but pussy still works. dont ask dont tell policy

its a weird feeling, like ive lost something, dont know how i lost it, where to pick it up again.

rr.com whoever u are, i can only continually let u down if u come as often as u do.

life is so weird, u have to have faith that it will work out, but when it doesnt, ur not surprised.

Its like the world could be a wonderful place, and it is, but no.
we could all succeed in what we do, and we will, but when we dont, we wont be failures. (well you wont)
If you drop out, if u drink, if u smoke, if u steal, if u lose your mind for a decade, if u hurt yourself again, if you hurt them, or me, it'll be hard, it will hurt, but you'll still be so wonderful.

If i could have one wish to come true right now, it would only be to have more capacity to see potential, to share the heartache.

We all come so close, we all lose our wings.

I was on the verge of sleep before the crisis, crisis, thats questionable. So is verge, for i recall losing consciousness and regaining it and those moments may have been few or many, but the sun is rising. And i am dreaming, maybe, the night brings highs, and it brings contemplation. It brings laying in agony in bed under covers, and confusion at why there are spaces. Several things seem real right now and they are not the porn site ads that keep coming up while i type to me.
1. You look fat and wonder why this disturbs you. Things like skin hanging below your chin and around your lips reminds you of cheeks that were once called chubby and you thought you were through that era. You wonder at why this disturbs you because you understand that people dont like bony men, women dont find it attractive, men dont find it intimidating and there for you are nothing to compete with and everyone finds it disturbing. You yourself hide half in shame, it use to be cuz u were fat, why now? why is it so appalling? why is it ok for everyone else and not you? you dont have to be some sick freak you know.
2. You've been telling the same damn stories over and over and no one likes them anymore, so u should shut the fuck up. I think its time you hide for awhile, go away. You're not doing any good, the people who look to you for a good time are just getting let down, over and over and soon they wont like you anymore so u should quit while ur ahead. Nothing is ever good enough.
3. you eat too much.
4. even as were talking here, u keep wanting to rush off find some happy place find some reason to be happy but i think we both know u dont deserve that, at least not right now. Oh if only they would tell you the truth. Write out lists, complaint after complaint, we could fill notebooks. You could whine and say "I'm working on it."
5. I thought we were in college now, go do ur homework. You have to get the shit done man, or else they will kick u out.
6. You're not a very good friend, ur all talk.
7. you're not a very good anything really, i mean think about it.
8. you mean nothing to her, or her, or her, nope not her either, nope she dont give a fuck, shes using u, shes bored, shes a dependent, fuck that dont blame, ur worse to all of them.
9. ur being selfish again, u really need to work on that.
10. whatever happened to u being good?
11. go to sleep, go to sleep go to sleep. wake up work, call ur friends sit around dont do shit drain drain drain go to sleep wake up work call ur friends sit around dont do shit drain drain drain. You need help, ur like a bad dream, a drug, a horror movie of some sorts, only not the kind with the slasher man, more just depressing.
12. u dont have any answers what makes u so confident? ur shit stinks mother fucker get over it.
13. And what about that, will u address the issue? hide hide hide away.
14. they're all wasted. u should join them, it doesnt seem so bad anymore does it? the self medicating. if they can drink so can you.
dont be afraid dont be afraid let go waste waste waste.
15. read any good oh thats right u dont read.
16. i thought we were gonna do something with this, are u telling me i've wasted all this time? u make me sick, really. You're self indulgent, selfish, god it makes me feel like vomiting even thinking about it, u give me a head ache.
17. You wanted a list of 15 to "work on" well how are we doing? i wake up u wake up we all wake up sometime and realize this life aint so "all good" as u'd like it dont give me that shit i dont buy it.
Quit fighting!!!!! my turn go back to bed.

Contemplating ditching out, strained relationships stretched and bent over benches, stand there spinning prisms, stars and snowflakes.



I'm bored, maybe go see bowling for columbine at hopkins. Maybe you should rescue me.

i dont have any right to put this up but like i care, so you know that olde english site i be chirping about, i think this will be one of their next videos to put up. pregnancy warning that is graphic so dont watch it around ur parents.

Michael a hooked me up with this sweet piece of monkey love
so enjoy that..

um chillin and such, no gift, idea, card or plan for mother's day, my bros told me it was all good and I didn't have to do anything and then my Mom gave me the guilt trip last night, so that was fun. I hadn't seen the woman all week.

Shit is fun yo, we in that get back together time, we get into the overly dramatic emotional frustration with mixed up conclusions and assumptions met with deceptions, impressions of what will be flayed betrayed and complained about, but an open bout, two fighters take your corners come out fighting! Displace that love for a few bold seconds and knock each others teeth out, words of aggression aggravation find the pecking order amongst the fences, who's the top dog? What once was, is, maybe what you willing to stake for it?

So there are certain areas on the earth, where it is a certain probability that every person, animal, insect, every living creature, has stopped in amazement.. just takin in life for a minute.
The energy of these places can only grow, and so when you stop there you are surrounded in the abundance of life. You take and give back, and its beautiful. Religious people give prayers. Artists paint and sketch and take photographs and write songs and poems. Students take notes record observations. Dreamers dream and wonder of those who must have stood here before them. Im sure lovers have embraces, and friends smile at each other and make jokes and find new appreciations together, and children they play and swim and take in what they can without even knowing what they are seeing and feeling, but they seem to understand it better than most.

I could turn this into several things, its obviously not poetic more just reality. I could say these places are everywhere cuz they are, or were a long time ago and maybe some time in the future. I could say these places are sacred and they are, but given time they will thrive with or without us. I could say we should all return to nature and we should but we wont cuz it scares us. So I leave it as this I guess, um go appreciate the world once in a while, its pretty damn sweet.

"who keeps atlantis off the maps? we do, we do"

hmm so u know how i always claim i dont get excited for shit? well i still stick to that but like my body doesnt always, cuz it be like 7:45 am and i been up for like an hour tossing in my bed feeling the wrath, but um thats a different story, I mean i went to bed at like 1-ish so i shouldnt be awake, but i am, stupid me.
oh we going to Duluth, my mom is giving me shit for not knowing how to get to 35 w north, i dont drive in the city.

um what the fuck else was i thinking, i'v already got complaints about the bush resume from some of my more economically conservative pals.
kristen i will call u soon, i did the other day but u werent home and i had plans from a previous day to take care of. Um dat be it i think, i could go into a rant and rave but my mom needs the comp for her sermonizing or something. So goodbye cruel world. I catch you later

now i cant say that all of this is 100 % truth, but it seems to fit what i have heard
so thanks to james my brother fr sending me this
> >GEORGE W. BUSH RESUME

> >
> >Past work experience:
> >· Ran for congress and lost.
> >· Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
> >· Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in
> > Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold
> > all my stock.
> >· Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweet-
> > heart deal that took land using tax-payer money.
> > Biggest move: traded Sammy Sosa to Chicago Cubs.
> >· With father's help (and his name), was elected
> > Governor of Texas.
> >
> >Accomplishments:
> >· Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies
> > and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
> > Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as most smog-
> > ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted
> > the Texas state government to the tune of billions
> > in borrowed money. Set record for most executions
> > by any Governor in American history.
> >· Became president after losing the popular vote by
> > over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's
> > appointments to the Supreme Court.
> >
> >Accomplishments as president:
> >· Attacked and took over two countries.
> >· Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
> >· Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in
> > history.
> >· Set economic record for most private bankruptcies
> > filed in any 12-month period.
> >· Set all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-
> > month period.
> >· Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history
> > of the stock market.
> >· First president in decades to execute a federal
> > prisoner.
> >· First president in US history to enter office with
> > a criminal record.
> >· First year in office set all-time record for most
> > days on vacation by any president in US history.
> >· After taking vacation the entire month of August,
> > presided over worst security failure in US history.
> >· Set record for more campaign fund-raising trips
> > than any other president in US history.
> >· In my first 2 years in office over 2 million
> > Americans lost their jobs.
> >· Cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work
> > Americans than any president in US history.
> >· Appointed more convicted criminals to administration
> > positions than any president in US history.
> >· Set record for least number of press conferences
> > than any president since the advent of television.
> >· Signed more laws and executive orders amending
> > the Constitution than any president in US history.
> >· Presided over biggest energy crises in US history
> > and refused to intervene when corruption was
> > revealed.
> >· Presided over highest gasoline prices in US history
> > and refused to use national reserves as past
> > presidents have done.
> >· Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
> >· Set the all-time record for most people worldwide
> > to simultaneously take to the streets to protest
> > me (15 million people), shattering the record for
> > protest against any person in history of mankind.
> > (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches/)
> >· Dissolved more international treaties than any
> > president in US history.
> >· My presidency is the most secretive and non-
> > accountable of any in US history.
> >· Members of my cabinet are the richest of any
> > administration in US history. (The 'poorest' multi-
> > millionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker
> > named after her.)
> >· Presided over biggest corporate stock market fraud
> > of any market in any country in history of the world.
> >· First president in US history to order a US attack and
> > military occupation of a sovereign nation.
> >· Created largest government department bureaucracy
> > in the history of the United States.
> >· Set all-time record for biggest annual budget spending
> > increases, more than any president in US history.
> >· First president in US history to have United Nations
> > remove the US from the human rights commission.
> >· First president in US history to have United Nations
> > remove the US from the elections monitoring board.
> >· Removed more checks and balances, and have the
> > least amount of congressional oversight than any
> > presidential administration in US history.
> >· Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
> >· Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
> >· Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners
> > of war, and by default no longer abides by Geneva
> > Conventions.
> >· First president in US history to refuse UN election
> > inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).
> >· All-time US (and world) record holder for most
> > corporate campaign donations.
> >· My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided
> > over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds
> > in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron).
> >· Spent more money on polls and focus groups than
> > any president in US history.
> >· First president in US history to unilaterally attack a
> > sovereign nation against the will of United Nations
> > and the world community.
> >· First president to run and hide when the US came
> > under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had
> > the code to Air Force 1).
> >· First US president to establish a secret shadow
> > government.
> >· Took enormous world sympathy for US after 9/11,
> > and in less than a year made the US the most
> > resented country in the world (possibly the biggest
> > diplomatic failure in US and world history).
> >· With a policy of "disengagement" created the most
> > hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
> >· First US president to have a majority of the people
> > of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest
> > threat to world peace and stability.
> >· First US president to have the people of South Korea
> > more threatened by the US than their immediate
> > neighbor, North Korea.
> >· Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be
> > awarded government contracts.
> >· Set all-time record for number of administration
> > appointees who violated US law by not selling huge
> > investments in corporations bidding for government
> > contracts.
> >· Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden
> > "dead or alive."
> >· Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to
> > murder the leaders of our country at the United
> > States Capital building. After 18 months I have no
> > leads and zero suspects.
> >· In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have
> > successfully prevented any public investigation into
> > the biggest security failure in the history of the
> > United States.
> >· Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for
> > Americans than any other president in US history.
> >· In a little over two years created the most divided
> > country in decades, possibly the most divided the US
> > has ever been since the civil war.
> >· Entered office with the strongest economy in US
> > history and in less than two years turned every single
> > economic category heading straight down.
> >
> >Records and References
> >
> >· At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine
> > (Texas driving record was erased and is not available)
> >· AWOL from National Guard.
> >· Refuse to take drug test or answer any questions
> > about drug use.
> >· All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have
> > been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in
> > secrecy and are unavailable for public view.
> >· All records of any SEC investigations into my insider
> > trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy
> > and unavailable for public view.
> >· All minutes of meetings for any public corporation for
> > which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and
> > unavailable for public view.
> >· Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP)
> > attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in
> > secrecy and unavailable for public review.
> >
> >For personal references please speak to my daddy or
> >uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices
> >at the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

baldy took me to x men 2 its a mad stray from the comic books but its petty sweet.

Dos de mayo

It was one of those nights, nothing really went wrong, it was fine for the most part, nice people, simple actions and the events, well a hockey game and a bubblegum chewing contest, how can you go wrong? Hmm, ever end a night thinking you shouldnt have gone out at all? Not that you would have had a better time at home alone, but maybe you said something really stupid, or found out some things about the people you were with that you didnt really like, or maybe the moon wasn't smiling just right at you. Or maybe (probably) you have been working too hard and need a break. Maybe you have been eating all wrong, on purpose. Maybe its lack of control, maybe your sick of having control. Maybe you have been working too much and still cant satisfy your cravings, or their's. Maybe its time to cry, or see a rock concert. Maybe you cant afford one and forgot about the other. Maybe you cant dance or sing anyway. Most likely you want to be dreaming, most likely you are, at all hours of the day. Maybe you find yourself being nostalgic a sure sign that you are unhappy, how long has it been? Maybe the symbols of God on your neck arent enough to keep you in contact. maybe you are lost. The hair on me head is shrinking, curious, will there be enough to cover. All I want is to cover. Sometimes it feels like winter. I can't satisfy. Lots of peoples say you shouldnt live like that. Stronger to remain or parachute out? I cant focus, and this underlying feeling allows me to think only- I want to fall in love.

some links

Alternet

Bozart

Amy recently sent out an e mail concerning the media getting together to make more money and give less coverage (e mail me and i'll send it to you) I believe it was an article from that alternet news site.

um Its my dad's b day on sunday and i didnt get anything for him, and i dont know that i will, just cuz i dont know what to get him.
Maybe its target time.

There is a part of me that thinks that if people are stupid enough (me included) to only get their news and such from the tv then maybe we all deserve to get fucked.

The world is a strange place.

Bubble gum contest tonght, hmm we shall see what happens. anyone see x men? maybe i'll do that tonight too.

Im a little slow on the draw here but uh did anyone catch the white strips performance of "jolene" on conan?

u can get it in the news section at their site. or follow this link misguided monkey feet

dont ask me why the link is called that, also i enjoyed the performance doesnt mean u have to. They do wear too much make up though.

Deleted post
I was gonna post this big thing about why our peers are all lazy politically and or conservative and such. I didn't cuz I figured it wouldn't do any good and yall already know the shit. Besides not like i do my part. Never knew what my part was. No one ever told me. I'm not very decisive. I been listening to some cat stevens errr yusef islam (i think thats how u spell it) it was that father and son thing that started me thinking on it, really interesting to capture both sides of a relationship in one song. I havent written anything in a long time that had any feeling in it.

I dont think. Last night i was laying in bed wondering what dreams i'd fulfill.

Phish
These guys at the Breakfast anytime site are challenging me to find some good phish songs and i dont know which to tell them to download, too many songs, and i dont know what they like and i dont know what they have heard and didnt like. Its a rough thing, i already told them wilson fee farmhouse and dirt its a very hard challenge, i cant imagine how you could call a band that is that big and has been around for so long shitty. Maybe they dont appeal to you, but obviously they must be doing something right and how do i pinpoint what is right about them? other then it just works out for me.

Hmm im tired. help a brotha out if u like phish tell me which

who goes to mankato?

after watching an hour of tv i have come to the conclusion i need to play risk with my friends.

also every home should have this game, dont ask me why.

also zach still hasnt given back my civ 3 game i know he's not even using it