Meaninglessness

 Ive noticed the grief and loneliness are the worst at night and in the morning. Ive noticed it hits me the hardest when im hungry, and then sometimes im even less hungry. 

Today was a good day. I accomplished my goals. I saw illy and my mom. I even texted a bit with E- telling her i was looking for a house. Trying not to fall back into the old pattern because i dont want to lead her on, but I want to say I miss you. But I didnt really. I implied I was moving forward with my life. And she said congrats, even though she meant - it hurts me to hear that. 

I took a nap. I woke up around 5:30 the time id normally get home from work and be starving… I woke up, and nothing seemed enticing, nothing all that positive or fulfilling. I could have gone right back to sleep. I felt a little under the weather. I went through the motions, did my spanish lesson, read a book, played a game on my phone, watched a bunch of videos. I perused houses on zillow and the database my realtor has. 

 I stared at the blank walls of my apartment. Considered how empty it will soon be, this void of space that used to be filled with her and her stuff.

No wonder ive been so into shopping lately. No wonder I was desperate to buy a house. Trying to fill the void. 

The rest of the week will be easier-  tomorrow i work till 7. Then I’ll eat and go to bed. Wednesday i have my art class. Thursday? Maybe I’ll meet trick or treaters at the door… the weekend?   Try to find more houses to visit, open houses.. see what i like. Next week take on more clients, bring the paperwork home so that i have something i have to do. 

Art materials have been on my table for a week and I haven’t touched them.  

I have a half written book i could return to. 

I have vacations I could plan.

I have friends and family, and a church. 

I could take a class. I could teach a class. I could get a cat when she takes Simba who has been a constant in my life since i moved in… (he loves me, sometimes shed even be jealous). 

I dunno.  What do you do when you dont know what is next?    Or it takes time for the next thing to arrive? 

I suppose it’s just sitting with the meaninglessness, the loneliness, the loss and heartbreak. 

I must seem so cold when I talk to other people they dont see me crying every day. I must seem so put together and determined to the outside world. Bold… when really I’m - well I suppose part of me is that… its not really im different, its, I am also so vulnerable and sad and scared of living an unloved life. I think I've been caretaking so that i feel worthy. But Id like a partner who is my equal. Someone capable, creative, compassionate, smart, passionate, funny and silly, worldly, but also comfy to chill at home, who knows the struggles but can be grateful.

Sometimes when I was with E or M, Id catch myself recognizing i was settling for something because it’s so easy for me to be content. To enjoy being in relationship… but I wasn’t happy. I didn't see myself happy going forward… just more struggle over and over.  It’s not that i dont love these people… I still think of them and pray for them all… it’s just, not for me. 

But what is?

"Georgia" And some snapshots of grief and life moving forward

For some reason this song has been one of the ones that makes me cry. Sometimes I put it on repeat to stay with it. 

This week has been funny.  Last weekend or earlier this week my mom sent me a house listing around the block from her. For some reason the idea of buying the house stole my attention this week, and I got it into gear. I applied to be approved for a loan from the bank. I got a realtor. I told my therapist I might buy a house. I saw it on Saturday and though it wasn't quite the thing I wanted, I almost convinced myself to buy it. 

Saturday night after seeing it with my Mom and Grant, I drove around the east side of Saint Paul and tried to convince myself I'd have a new area to explore. New hang outs. Places I could invite people.  

I hoped a dream or something would say "YES" but even though that didn't happen, all the signs of moving forward seemed to be pointing me to get it...  I started fantasizing about what I wanted to do with each room. How I'd manage the lawn. I tried to tell myself some of the downsides were temporary or I'd just avoid them... I was sure I should go forward with it. Then on Sunday before pulling the trigger, I decided to go to an open house of another place... walking in, it felt more comfortable... felt more like something I could manage without having too much hassle. I didn't like the whole house, but I could see myself easily in the space. And I realized I needed to slow down. That actually if I listen to myself, I don't want an old house where I have to deal with slanted floors and the wood making none of the furniture fit right. I just want something solid with good lighting, and a neighborhood I enjoy. 

I told my mom I was sure I was doing well with the grief, and that even though I recognized some impulsivity in this whole house thing... it was ok.  Later I walked out of her house and the only person I wanted to call to talk about the house with was E. Wanted her opinion. Wanted her to be excited. Wanted her input on how to decorate and make it a home. I drove around that night trying to tell myself it was ok, but things kept reminding me of her absence as my companion.

This morning at church I couldn't stop crying. Snot and tears.  Why didn't we ever go in person?

I walked around noticing the yards and wanted to point them out.  Went to the second house, and realized how little I have to fill a home... 

Tonight, I thought about how I don't have a project (no new home this weekend), and even though I don't have work tomorrow, I sort of dreaded the feeling of the future without a solid goal.  I know I needed to eat and that was playing into it...but everything started to feel alien and stupid. I missed having my companion. I missed cooking for someone, or planning my night based on them, or having someone to check in with, or run errands for, or make a future with. 

I've been though this before... but I guess its hitting me tonight more so... just the total lack of a future...

Why hasn't it been hitting all week?   maybe having a house project... maybe all the tarot videos that tell me Im on the right track and things will change soon. Maybe... I dunno. 

At church they had that quote about faith in action,   If I were arrested for being a person of faith (a UU) , would there be enough evidence to convict me?   And it makes me kind of question whether I am doing anything of importance?    My life as a therapist is so   minimal, sealed off,  isolating.

What do I want to do to have a bigger life?    I've been more active lately... but I probably can't keep it all up you know...

I don't really know what I want or where I am going.   Thought I did, but I fool myself so easily. That's kind of the thing with the house... I'm caught off guard by how easy it was for me to delude myself... and get excited and -I know I am the type that I would have made either of those houses work. I can put up with a lot...  but the whole point of this was that I was gonna start doing things for me.   And me... who is that guy?  what's he got to do with anything.

Regret?

 E is starting to get her things, she took down reminder notes and affirmations we had given to one another.  She has cleaned out a few areas and put post its on other stuff to either let me know she is taking it, or that she will leave it for me. The tv in the bedroom she is leaving. The other one she will take eventually.  Logistically she has no where for it all to go right now, but she will pack and organize. Shes asked me not to pack for her. 

I came home and the small changes were devastating. It would be different if i was angry, but im not. Im disappointed. Im disappointed that we cant seem to make it work and that over time our lives have not gotten easier. 

Im reminding myself again and again of how it felt when she acted helpless. Reminding myself of all the opportunities there are to do things, go places, find a better healthier fit. But it’s hard when i also loved this life. I was content to not go those places because I enjoyed being her partner, enjoyed hanging out with her, enjoyed the routine comforts and the home she created here. 

It could have gone on that way. It could have changed and id have been happy to go it with her. But instead it suddenly was my responsibility alone, and i just couldn't keep doing for her when I knew she was capable. It was the prove to me games, the how can i trust you, that really caused me to doubt. Suddenly i was questioning these things i had thought were solid. Suddenly i was doing that thing in my head where you think “it would be easier if…” and suddenly when she pushed - i said enough. 

I am simply trying to enforce the boundaries that would allow me to love myself and her.  But that was too much. 

She told me she cant sit with the ambiguity, the door not quite shut. So i told her we can shut it then. 

In the last few days Ive hung out with friends, tried new things, explored new places. Ive returned to old places that made me feel good, places i would have shared with her if shed been open to it. Ive told people what would work better for me -Rather than catering to what i thought they wanted. It’s been really good. This weekend has been a really good weekend… but ive been crying so much today and i just feel so heavy with hurt and sadness. It burns in my chest. All the things i havent said because i didnt feel theyd be heard. And now… now she is moving out of my life.

And she isnt being mean. But she is hurt and angry. She is wondering why i wont keep trying to make it work like i did in the past. She is probably feeling rejected. 

AND she has made it clear she cant move back into this home anyway.  Even if we were to try, it would be packing up anyway. She cant live out of a suitcase at her sisters house. She cant stand to be in the home she made here… and she didn't put in effort to find us a new one.

Maybe it’s all unfair, maybe she wasnt in tbe place to do so. 

Maybe all this regret and questioning is ridiculous. I asked G-d and the universe and whatever was looking out for me to help me change the course back to being in alignment. 

I couldnt make the changes i needed to.   

Maybe we can meet again when we are both doing better. But i cant keep doing this caretaking thing. 

Still, I’ll probably keep crying as she goes. It’s gonna be shitty. 

Im reminded of so much positive and so much i am grateful for… but it hurts my heart to be reminded how it was filled up and drained again and again. 

Maybe im making a big mistake… 

But i dont think so. I think i just hate knowing someone i love is suffering and i could do something about it… but ive come to recognize it wont benefit them.  

End

 This morning i woke up crabby and depressed. I had therapy at 8, and by 9 i felt better. Felt like i was validated in my decisions. Felt like i was starting to trend in the right direction. I had a pretty light day at work. Then elsa asked me to go for a walk. 

On Tuesday she had been crabby with me, on Wednesday she seemed fine, today? I wondered where she was at and why she was asking. 

She apologized for Tuesday as we walked around the nature center. We talked about how things had been and where we were headed individually. She might get a job in forest lake, shes doing better, she is seeing people ans going out to places. She feels better and is ln different meds. She doesn't want to manipulate me, she doesnt want me to feel like im hurting her, but she does want me to reach out only if im ready to talk- to put in effort again. 

I told her im in the same position i was, but realized that wasn't quite true. I recognized she wouldn't move forward if i didn’t tell her to. I told her she needs to think of us as done. She told me she cant be friends. She told me shed come get her stuff with her sisters when they had the change. She told me to take care of her cat for the next few weeks. We said goodbye. 

I had realized that my heart wasnt in it to fight. The lead her on was cruel now that i knew. But I wasnt really wanting to say goodbye. 

I feel the grief as a numbing ache all over. It’s real now. I dont owe her anything and yet. Tower moment. Tumbling down. 

In my dream the other night we broke up and then i was attacked.  Maybe the death of one thing and then the next?

My therapist said what my mom said, take a vacation not a 6 month trip. Make these trips sustainable, do them a few times a year. Start your husiness. 

I had this thought today, maybe if I set a time in the future… if nothing has Changed then in 2 years i take a longer trip?  

I dunno everything seems kind of dull right now. Thats how it felt this morning.  A longing, an ache, a dullness where there was once purpose and connection… even if it wasnt fully sustainable. 

The thing that is bugging me the most is that I knew a long time ago, but didnt listen to my worries or that intuition, denied it again and again in the name of turning into a new me, listening to the loving part as much as I could, the compassionate part, trying to be the best of me.  And then it didn't work.. because I also have needs. When she started implying I wasn't doing enough and that what i had been offering wasn't love (and maybe its true) suddenly i just couldn’t anymore.  I stopped being in love. I dont want to hurt her, i still have plenty of love. I just cant give it away anymore… and it feels super mean of me to say that.

 I gotta figure out how to love and be loved reciprocally. That is a tall order for me. 

Meh

Feeling drained. Felt kind of sick/fatigue earlier so i didnt go to my art class, but then regretted it after i made dinner. Not sure why my typing skills on this thing have been so off. 

Last night E made some comments, set some boundaries. It felt rude, so i barely responded. Then i had drama in my head all night. Tried to go to bed early. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldnt sleep for an hour or so, finally fell back asleep and the cat woke me up. Fell back asleep and had a weird dream that turned into a nightmare. Woke up and couldnt sleep. It was something like 5 or 5:15. 

In the dream there was some sort of party, and E and i were struggling to communicate. She said something flippant and walked out of the house -intent to leave. I followed her, telling her that her comment wasnt true. By the time she was in her car or waiting for the ride or whatever, she was basically acting like a little kid -whining “no.” Over and over. I realized I would never solve it. That i couldnt get through to someone who didnt want to hear me. I gave up. It was sad. But i also felt relief. I walked back into the party and the first older man i saw i said something somewaht flippant but also like cheering him on, it was something like “youre free now.”   Maybe the old man was me? It didnt matter. I turned a corner and the party was no longer present. 

An eery soundtrack started playing as i went through my empty house. I turned another corner and a man yelled in terror- caught off guard. He struck me with a roll of duct tape and I fell backwards to the ground. As i was falling I realized he was taping and amputated leg at the knee. He swung at me again with the tape but couldnt reach me, i noticed he was held back by his other hand which was handcuffed near the ceiling.  He tried to stomp on me with his amputated leg. 

I woke up in terror.  The scene replayed over and over and i began to wonder why he was attacking me. It seemed scary to realize that he thought i was the threat. If the man attacking me was not the threat, then who or what was?  

It was an ok day at work, but i felt likeni was mostly going through the motions. Its felt like that a bit lately.  Grief. 

I keep trying to remind myself to just stay present with the feelings. No need for drama or what ifs. Trust the universe, stay present, experience what is - rather thab urning it into something else.  

The loneliness, the grief, the guilt, the desire for companionship and love—- well they sometimes make me want to fight for the relationship again.   But if after 2.5 years im still on the fence. Dont I owe it to her and me - to say i cant promise you the future we both want?

Ingo back and forth… but if im honest with myself… I want something better.  I might regret it… but a chance at something healthier, lesa imbalanced.

Hard to love someone and let them go. Not the first or last time. 

Hard day

 I dont really have the mind capacity tk journal right now. It’s been a hard day.  E came over to get stuff. She doesnt really want to move on. Its hard to say to someone “were not a good fit” when you love them, have loved them, miss loving them. I can remember so many happy times.  

Yesterday i was considering a year in asia. Today im wondering if I’ll buy a home in roseville and ask her to move in again. 

Life is messy.  

Seeing how much is gone physically, how many tasks are done without her… it’s been a day full of grief. 

Im gonna watch a movie instead of being productive. Im drained. I want to check out.   Better a movie than gummies right?  At least tonight.  

Part 3 I guess

It is Saturday.  A couple weeks into the break up. I am not sure I should be categorizing it that way, but at the same time it feels kind of selfish or to say something like "two weeks free..." or "two weeks into my new life..."   

I vacillate between grief and being present and looking forward. Its the middle of October more or less, and the weather is getting colder, and the clouds are getting cloudier, and the gray of fall/winter is settling in more and more. The dark in the morning, and the dark in the evening... and nature says it's time to hibernate, nestle, cuddle, close off... and I am trying to remind myself to stay expansive, build, renew. I guess I am saying I am out of step with nature and what my body wants to do (sleep under warm blankets). 

Sleep has been difficult. I am exhausted. Sometimes fatigued. I mind is struggling with the thoughtlessness and brain fog of grief even when I am fully caffeinated and rising to meet the day. I forget words. I forget sentences. I was trying to play this trivia game and all my thoughts were on a 5 second delay... "oh yeah, that's what I meant."   I get home tired... I don't really want to do much but sit around... I am trying not to go immediately to the bed, and trying not to stay in bed when I am there, but the apartment feels too big, and what's the point when i could be warm and under covers you know?  That is how energy gets stuck. Its funny to me to recognize how quickly I would revert to the same old patterns. Without this couch, where will I sit?  Without this pillow, what will I rest my back or head upon?

I have spent a shit ton of money, but I know in the long run I will start saving it soon. I was paying for two lives, and now I am paying for one. I am trying to figure out how to cut back on food so as not to waste it... I am so sad/stressed about the inevitable, which is that she will need to dismantle our home... and I'm not sure if I will make a new one of the ashes... 

There are things I want to say, but feel mean saying. 

Things like, I am not really attracted to her anymore. Things like, sometimes I don't miss her. Things like, sometimes it's nice to not have to think or worry about how she is doing, or how she will problem solve her next issue. But what will happen when Simba the cat, or all her stuff is gone and I am left to realize how little I care about? How little drives me, or makes me passionate?  Caring for her has been a primary drive, now what do I do?  I am a little like an empty nester. She is off at college. I think that is one of the metaphors that has made it easier to see this role I am playing... she is like a kid to me. She is like a client. 

I am reading "codependent no more" and realizing that though I am in a better place than I have been at other times... I still fall into this category.  Have I ever dated anyone who I didn't start to try to care take?  N, B, A, J, M, E... throw in friends and long time crushes and it's still true. Which of those people has a chemical addiction? Which of them has a mental health issue? both? Which came from a difficult home environment? Which has a good relationship with all their parents?  Which of them has friends that they get along with and can keep? I really set myself up -dont I?

How do I break that cycle?  

I was journaling earlier and realized I am having a hard time moving forward because I don't really know what I want.  I have so many opportunities, but I am not sure what I really want.  

I know there were things I was excited to do with E, that I started believing would never happen... I wanted to show her Guatemala, she wanted to go to Norway and Alaska and I would have been down. I wanted to take her to concerts and shows. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to have creative spaces for us... I wanted her and I to talk about intellectual things, about spiritual things. I wanted to spend more time in nature, more time taking care of ourselves and our health.

There are things I need to do for myself I think. I need to travel more. I need to meditate. I need to find some form of exercise that feels good -and that I can do consistently. I need more art and music in my life. 

Its funny with things like the Guatemala stuff... why do I want to show her that and not the Czech Republic?  Why is it important to go to a coffee shop at a mall or visit a tourist city surrounded by volcanos but not Venice?   -Is it just the most recent thing?  Is it some part of my life that feels unfinished or unappreciated?  Do I just long to be known in my entirety the same as everyone else?

E never got her passport renewed, despite us talking about traveling for two years. Filled out the paperwork, had the money, never followed through. I think its things like that -that finally made me realize I wasn't being met in my needs or desires. 

And I am not trying to be mean or shame, or judge... I think I am just trying to remind myself of why I need to distance/ to break away... because there are all these little day to day happinesses that made it worthwhile, for the time, and its easy to fall back into that.  I felt my world shrinking more and more... and I didn't see the effort on her part to enlarge it.

That does not mean she didn't add to my life significantly. But I worry how much of the "adding" in my relationships is just -giving me something to worry about outside of my own bullshit. The relief of thinking of someone else instead of experiencing my own distress. And that is not a basis or foundation for a relationship.

I love her though. I want well for her. It pains me to think about things going poorly. But again, me doing for her, does not make her life better. It makes our lives together smaller. 

And now I guess I will go back to my small life... and question how to broaden it again without someone else present... body doubling is a real deal. Easier to clean and organize when someone is coming over. Easier to build when its for someone else?   I dunno, maybe that's just my codependent thinking again.

----

Something I have been really shocked by is how different this feels from my last break up. Maybe its still early. Maybe its because I distanced prior to the break up. Maybe its because I see patterns replaying even more clearly. Maybe I am not allowing myself to feel it all or to become obsessive... but damn... there isn't music except sad songs for this one.  Its not angry. It's not bitter or resentful the way it was with M...  this just feels like -moving on to different paths after our paths collided for awhile. 

More similar to J? 

Break up part 2

 It’s thursday night. E was here till about 20 minutes ago. In my head I sang RENT “just came to say, ‘goodbye love goodbye.” As we hugged before she left. Simba is still here along with most of her stuff. “It feels awkward.” She said, as she prepared to pack… and I couldn’t help but remember past goodbyes with other loves.  

I made dinner, neither of us could eat much. We talked about the past month and beyond, the accumulated hurts and misunderstandings. In many ways the repair we’d been trying to have for a long time. We both know each other too well, and yet had been full of assumptions and bad intent, and defensiveness and resentment - so nothing was getting through for weeks.  

We got through it… but then what?  I asked her if she had been thinking at all about her stuff, (she had already confirmed she wouldn’t be moving back in due to the environment being triggering).  She said she hadn’t.

I could tell she hadn’t really been planning much in regards to where she would live, waiting to see what would happen between us, even if she didn’t want to live here anymore…. 

We talked again after she packed. I told her the reason I wanted to stay broken up - is that I didn’t trust that we wouldn’t fall right back into the same patterns, me caretaking, her feeling that I was judging her. 

She said she would be willing to fight through the fear. I said that hadn’t been her recent behavior and that it was hard to trust things would change just because she said they would.

 She said my doubts leave her uncertain, too much fog, and it would be preferable to just say it.  

I said I didn’t trust yet, that I needed time to change. That I needed her to take the time to show me the changes. She said that felt like me doubting her again, and I said -see that’s what I’m afraid will happen.

She asked. I said it’s better that we are broken up for now. 

I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt her. But I look back at the last two years and don’t see the evidence for the changes I need to feel secure in an equal partnership.

Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll be alone forever because I can’t trust people… but it felt like she was saying just trust me again… and I was honest that I couldn’t. 

How is it different from past relationships? 

Maybe because it was basically care taking from the beginning… maybe because I never had that much distance from her. Maybe I love E’s heart sooo much that I downplayed so many of the other things that continued to bother me. 

I don’t know how to have a healthier embrace… but I feel like I put the effort in… and as much as I love her as a person, I’m no longer in love. Maybe that could come back if she gave me the time. But she’s probably right, it would just drag it out more. 

I was looking at her tonight, almost like she was a new person. She’s lost weight. She looked fierce but not the defensive -irritable fierce I’ve seen lately. More like a warrior. It was cool. But also I wasn’t drawn in. 

I’m sad that I can’t be enough for her, and she enough for me… or I guess that we aren’t matched well.  But despite the chaos and ups and downs, I also feel like it’s been a really lovely companionship until recently. 

Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I should double down on heart… but I don’t have it in me.  I’m an old curmudgeon.

I love her, I want her to go experience the world and claim her spot in it again.  But at least for now…I can’t be by her side when she does it. 

I call on all the angels and guides and what not to bring me a match  when yall think I’m ready.