Hard day

 I dont really have the mind capacity tk journal right now. It’s been a hard day.  E came over to get stuff. She doesnt really want to move on. Its hard to say to someone “were not a good fit” when you love them, have loved them, miss loving them. I can remember so many happy times.  

Yesterday i was considering a year in asia. Today im wondering if I’ll buy a home in roseville and ask her to move in again. 

Life is messy.  

Seeing how much is gone physically, how many tasks are done without her… it’s been a day full of grief. 

Im gonna watch a movie instead of being productive. Im drained. I want to check out.   Better a movie than gummies right?  At least tonight.  

Part 3 I guess

It is Saturday.  A couple weeks into the break up. I am not sure I should be categorizing it that way, but at the same time it feels kind of selfish or to say something like "two weeks free..." or "two weeks into my new life..."   

I vacillate between grief and being present and looking forward. Its the middle of October more or less, and the weather is getting colder, and the clouds are getting cloudier, and the gray of fall/winter is settling in more and more. The dark in the morning, and the dark in the evening... and nature says it's time to hibernate, nestle, cuddle, close off... and I am trying to remind myself to stay expansive, build, renew. I guess I am saying I am out of step with nature and what my body wants to do (sleep under warm blankets). 

Sleep has been difficult. I am exhausted. Sometimes fatigued. I mind is struggling with the thoughtlessness and brain fog of grief even when I am fully caffeinated and rising to meet the day. I forget words. I forget sentences. I was trying to play this trivia game and all my thoughts were on a 5 second delay... "oh yeah, that's what I meant."   I get home tired... I don't really want to do much but sit around... I am trying not to go immediately to the bed, and trying not to stay in bed when I am there, but the apartment feels too big, and what's the point when i could be warm and under covers you know?  That is how energy gets stuck. Its funny to me to recognize how quickly I would revert to the same old patterns. Without this couch, where will I sit?  Without this pillow, what will I rest my back or head upon?

I have spent a shit ton of money, but I know in the long run I will start saving it soon. I was paying for two lives, and now I am paying for one. I am trying to figure out how to cut back on food so as not to waste it... I am so sad/stressed about the inevitable, which is that she will need to dismantle our home... and I'm not sure if I will make a new one of the ashes... 

There are things I want to say, but feel mean saying. 

Things like, I am not really attracted to her anymore. Things like, sometimes I don't miss her. Things like, sometimes it's nice to not have to think or worry about how she is doing, or how she will problem solve her next issue. But what will happen when Simba the cat, or all her stuff is gone and I am left to realize how little I care about? How little drives me, or makes me passionate?  Caring for her has been a primary drive, now what do I do?  I am a little like an empty nester. She is off at college. I think that is one of the metaphors that has made it easier to see this role I am playing... she is like a kid to me. She is like a client. 

I am reading "codependent no more" and realizing that though I am in a better place than I have been at other times... I still fall into this category.  Have I ever dated anyone who I didn't start to try to care take?  N, B, A, J, M, E... throw in friends and long time crushes and it's still true. Which of those people has a chemical addiction? Which of them has a mental health issue? both? Which came from a difficult home environment? Which has a good relationship with all their parents?  Which of them has friends that they get along with and can keep? I really set myself up -dont I?

How do I break that cycle?  

I was journaling earlier and realized I am having a hard time moving forward because I don't really know what I want.  I have so many opportunities, but I am not sure what I really want.  

I know there were things I was excited to do with E, that I started believing would never happen... I wanted to show her Guatemala, she wanted to go to Norway and Alaska and I would have been down. I wanted to take her to concerts and shows. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to have creative spaces for us... I wanted her and I to talk about intellectual things, about spiritual things. I wanted to spend more time in nature, more time taking care of ourselves and our health.

There are things I need to do for myself I think. I need to travel more. I need to meditate. I need to find some form of exercise that feels good -and that I can do consistently. I need more art and music in my life. 

Its funny with things like the Guatemala stuff... why do I want to show her that and not the Czech Republic?  Why is it important to go to a coffee shop at a mall or visit a tourist city surrounded by volcanos but not Venice?   -Is it just the most recent thing?  Is it some part of my life that feels unfinished or unappreciated?  Do I just long to be known in my entirety the same as everyone else?

E never got her passport renewed, despite us talking about traveling for two years. Filled out the paperwork, had the money, never followed through. I think its things like that -that finally made me realize I wasn't being met in my needs or desires. 

And I am not trying to be mean or shame, or judge... I think I am just trying to remind myself of why I need to distance/ to break away... because there are all these little day to day happinesses that made it worthwhile, for the time, and its easy to fall back into that.  I felt my world shrinking more and more... and I didn't see the effort on her part to enlarge it.

That does not mean she didn't add to my life significantly. But I worry how much of the "adding" in my relationships is just -giving me something to worry about outside of my own bullshit. The relief of thinking of someone else instead of experiencing my own distress. And that is not a basis or foundation for a relationship.

I love her though. I want well for her. It pains me to think about things going poorly. But again, me doing for her, does not make her life better. It makes our lives together smaller. 

And now I guess I will go back to my small life... and question how to broaden it again without someone else present... body doubling is a real deal. Easier to clean and organize when someone is coming over. Easier to build when its for someone else?   I dunno, maybe that's just my codependent thinking again.

----

Something I have been really shocked by is how different this feels from my last break up. Maybe its still early. Maybe its because I distanced prior to the break up. Maybe its because I see patterns replaying even more clearly. Maybe I am not allowing myself to feel it all or to become obsessive... but damn... there isn't music except sad songs for this one.  Its not angry. It's not bitter or resentful the way it was with M...  this just feels like -moving on to different paths after our paths collided for awhile. 

More similar to J? 

Break up part 2

 It’s thursday night. E was here till about 20 minutes ago. In my head I sang RENT “just came to say, ‘goodbye love goodbye.” As we hugged before she left. Simba is still here along with most of her stuff. “It feels awkward.” She said, as she prepared to pack… and I couldn’t help but remember past goodbyes with other loves.  

I made dinner, neither of us could eat much. We talked about the past month and beyond, the accumulated hurts and misunderstandings. In many ways the repair we’d been trying to have for a long time. We both know each other too well, and yet had been full of assumptions and bad intent, and defensiveness and resentment - so nothing was getting through for weeks.  

We got through it… but then what?  I asked her if she had been thinking at all about her stuff, (she had already confirmed she wouldn’t be moving back in due to the environment being triggering).  She said she hadn’t.

I could tell she hadn’t really been planning much in regards to where she would live, waiting to see what would happen between us, even if she didn’t want to live here anymore…. 

We talked again after she packed. I told her the reason I wanted to stay broken up - is that I didn’t trust that we wouldn’t fall right back into the same patterns, me caretaking, her feeling that I was judging her. 

She said she would be willing to fight through the fear. I said that hadn’t been her recent behavior and that it was hard to trust things would change just because she said they would.

 She said my doubts leave her uncertain, too much fog, and it would be preferable to just say it.  

I said I didn’t trust yet, that I needed time to change. That I needed her to take the time to show me the changes. She said that felt like me doubting her again, and I said -see that’s what I’m afraid will happen.

She asked. I said it’s better that we are broken up for now. 

I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt her. But I look back at the last two years and don’t see the evidence for the changes I need to feel secure in an equal partnership.

Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll be alone forever because I can’t trust people… but it felt like she was saying just trust me again… and I was honest that I couldn’t. 

How is it different from past relationships? 

Maybe because it was basically care taking from the beginning… maybe because I never had that much distance from her. Maybe I love E’s heart sooo much that I downplayed so many of the other things that continued to bother me. 

I don’t know how to have a healthier embrace… but I feel like I put the effort in… and as much as I love her as a person, I’m no longer in love. Maybe that could come back if she gave me the time. But she’s probably right, it would just drag it out more. 

I was looking at her tonight, almost like she was a new person. She’s lost weight. She looked fierce but not the defensive -irritable fierce I’ve seen lately. More like a warrior. It was cool. But also I wasn’t drawn in. 

I’m sad that I can’t be enough for her, and she enough for me… or I guess that we aren’t matched well.  But despite the chaos and ups and downs, I also feel like it’s been a really lovely companionship until recently. 

Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I should double down on heart… but I don’t have it in me.  I’m an old curmudgeon.

I love her, I want her to go experience the world and claim her spot in it again.  But at least for now…I can’t be by her side when she does it. 

I call on all the angels and guides and what not to bring me a match  when yall think I’m ready.