truths known and unknown

 

So much thinking, and what for?

    Ediya reminds us that meditation doesn't happen in the mind, it happens in the body. The body at rest, at peace, at present, without the mind to pull it astray. (but I was never for my body)

    The part of me that doesn't understand, gets angry. I am furious at the inattentiveness, the purposeful ignoring, neglect by leaders, those who lead people astray, betray their better interests. (and they'll be returned to power by the ones they've indoctrinated)

    And what are our better interests? That part of me that asks, it says will they learn from this lesson if they don't suffer through it? (and they'll suffer either way)

    And that other part of me that rushes in to give tools, to share the collected knowledge, what else am I good for? (The disillusion of my ego, another neglect, another shoving down)

    And that anger again, for the lack of foresight, for the ignorance that despises actual knowledge and insight, that dismisses the longterm betterment for short term gain, the immaturity of selfishness. 

   And really what is known at all? Is there any point to any of it, to living through, to growing, to learning,  the gathered relegating what is to another instance of... well that is. 

This weekend I went for three walks. One alone. One with my Dad. One with Rachel. Otherwise I pretty much stayed at home, bored, lonely, wishing for something compelling. I had goals: get groceries (check), do laundry (nope), exercise (check), see people (check), paint (I didn't do the project I had planned, but I watercolored, write (not really), read (not really), do something that made me feel alive and worth living? 

I dunno. Sometimes I fear I've lost the flavor of life. Like I get little tastes here and there, like a proper breeze will blow the scent into me, but it only makes me long for the next place over. Last weekend and a little during the week, I tried to meditate, to just sit with it all. But I am bored and lonely, and when I am not working, my life feels very purposeless. I could slip away and not be noticed. 

This feeling makes me want to make something. Be creative. But I find myself sitting still. Reclining. Passively watching, even when given the opportunity. My mind says don't reach out. Don't follow through. My mind is the worst... it gets in the way of so many things. Could I have accomplished all of my goals and more this weekend? Oh yes. But I chose not to. 

It's funny how I worry I am missing out. But then don't change. I fantasize about a potion, that will unlock the next step. About the smile that will unlock my heart. About the offer that will lead to the next adventure. All of these are simply choices. I stay locked up... Locked in my old ways. Believing somehow I can save the next generation the pain of growth?  

Sometimes I worry I've done it all wrong. but would I change anything? well, when given the chance in each breath, in each moment... I don't choose to. 

So functionally this must be serving me. I must be satisfied, content. 

I must be grateful for what I have... even if it is complaints. Maybe I like playing the prisoner?