I want to read and write today, but my mind is a little off topic. It doesn't seem to grasp when I reach. Or maybe it does, but I don't see the connection going through, have lost confidence in its ability to ensnare the prize.
My left arm aches because I received the first dose of the moderna vaccine yesterday. It was 10 minutes, and a 15 minute wait period. For a few seconds I felt my heart beat increase, for a minute my lungs were slightly more compact. But nothing serious at all. Difficult to sleep. That's been the biggest issue. Can't sleep on my left side with an arm that is screaming. But I've had similar experiences with other vaccines. One time I got 3 shots in one arm and 2 in the other. That was an achy night.
They say this one is 94% effective, but they are also still running all the studies. It's not an approved vaccine. I didn't realize that. It's been shown to be effective and brought to the market, but the FDA hasn't actually approved it. It feels weird to be a medical experiment.
It is subzero outside, and my apartment is dry and cold. It might be giving me a headache. I should probably bust out the humidifier.
I basically planned to be home all weekend anyway, unsure if the vaccine would take me out. I want a nap. This last week was really odd. There were numerous days where I felt like something was wrong with me, like maybe I was sick. (Maybe I have covid?) It left me with a really strong lack of motivation and very little follow through. I haven't felt social. I've been wanting to sleep, read and write. But writing has felt beyond my reach. I want to curl into a ball and not exist for a month, but I am not depressed in the mood sense. Just out of it.
At the beginning of the week I watched these horoscope videos, and everything in my universe seemed to be saying things will change soon. That something new was just around the corner. Maybe it is. But half way through the week I was sick of waiting. It felt too drawn out. If I have to wait a decade then tell me so I can hibernate instead of getting my hopes up, kind of thing. And maybe the lady who reached out to me on bumble means something. Or maybe I am drawing new energy toward me. Or maybe someone from my past will reach out. Or maybe I am just going in circles in my head.
It feels like the circles. Hope and disappointment.
What changes now that I am vaccinated? not much.
Yesterday I was watching something or reading something and they mentioned doing a daily journal prompt. I kind of liked that idea, something to get back in the habit of writing, while being offered new directions to consider. I am so stuck in my own narratives.
The first one I found was from a Teal Swan video about saving your energy, "Write about the things you love about yourself, that you would never want to change" the idea being that these are non-negotiables when you enter relationships with others.
What are the parts of me that I never want to change:
I like being the kind of person who makes efforts to understand, to see other perspectives, who communicates across those divides. I like being curious about the world, even today I spent a half an hour on google maps while I learned about the history of Luxembourg and why? Because why not?
I like having a spiritual leaning, I don't ever want to become someone so cynical that I can't see the value in faith...
I am not sure this is the right exercise for me. There are so many things I have cut from my life, because they didn't matter to me. The ones that have stayed, will stay. The ones that felt necessary for sensory reasons or anxieties, those I'll keep working on...
I've been thinking a lot about the missed opportunities I have had. How I met a lot of cool people in Grad School and didn't take them up on the offer of friendship because I felt too drained. How I didn't reach out after. Some of them I am not even Facebook friends with. I am not sure if it was my anxiety or my recognition that it is really hard to keep up with people... Maybe it was smart of me AND I missed an opportunity. I think at the time, and still, I do these weird cost/benefit assessments of talking with people. I am not sure they are accurate. More often than not, I assume the costs will far outweighs the benefits. What if I had been on an anti anxiety med in grad school? or when I was with M. Would things have been altogether different today? If that is true, what is keeping me from taking a medication so that my future feels more accessible?
Maybe my mentality is mucking up my social life.
I guess I didn't have as much to say as I hoped.
When I was in bed last night, I thought, tomorrow you should just dwell on poetic thoughts all day...
That hasn't happened at all.
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