Saturday

11:34 

It's a Saturday and I have nothing to do.  I cut my hair and shaved.The only other projects I have are painting, reading and writing. I could watch some movies. I could watch some YouTube (I am). I could reach out to some folks. Might talk to a coworker. 

I am watching videos about relationships and energy. Probably not the best idea, because it puts me in the past. Makes me question myself and others. But I guess, I am wanting to move forward in life, but not sure what that looks like (Same as every other blog I have written). 

I was thinking about the advice I gave a student yesterday. We were talking about his armored persona and the story he has told himself about who he is. And how, to heal, he needs to take off the armor and start to enjoy his innocence and vulnerability.  

How often is the thing we need, the thing we are avoiding at all costs?

There are of course reasons he put on the armor, but it is now costing him more than it helped.

So I guess I am wondering, what defenses I have used that are now keeping me from healing rather than protecting me. This is a big issue with my energy. I have to protect myself because I am constantly feeling drained by giving. (I know energy is universal and abundant, but I don't manage it well, and I need people who give energy or respect/support my reenergizing rather than drain it). 

One of the difficulties I have is that this feels more like passivity, retreat, avoidance, if I am not careful. It comes off as Mike being inactive, when it is a proactive choice (sometimes) to hold space for myself. How do I hold on to Mike as ambitious and building, rather than as lazy and defeated? 

I don't know. I think I am struggling because it's always been a bit of both hasn't it?