accomplishments

 

At some point last night I became feverish. I lay in bed, hour after hour, totally aware of each muscle, not necessarily in pain, but too aware to drift to sleep. The temperature changed, cold and tingly, warm and disagreeable. I found myself taking advil at 2 AMish. I woke up at my normal work time and felt good. Felt awake and comfortable. But we have this policy we tell the kids of don't come in unless its been 24 hours since your last symptoms. So I took half the day off and went to the training in the afternoon virtually. I did laundry, I took out the garbage, I did the dishes and cleaned parts of my apartment. I felt great until about 2pm, when suddenly I felt achy and feverish again. I was sweating, and then 20 minutes later I had to put a bathrobe on over my layers of clothes. I wasn't hungry, but made myself eat. I have noticed that food is helpful even when I am not hungry. I texted my boss telling her I'd need to stay home tomorrow too. I don't know if it is actually sickness. My body is probably just creating antibodies as the vaccine is supposed to. It makes me nervous about the next round, as they say the second dose has more side effects. 

At some point last night when I couldn't sleep and just waited...

I started thinking about the fact that I am still so stuck on my own loneliness. In some ways, I compare myself to others and I am always left wondering what is wrong with me that I don't have a partner?

Why is it that M was so quick to get away, and yet, presumably has created a new life easy enough with this new dude?  Why was I so easy to replace? really everyone I have ever dated had a new partner within months. 

Or in less personal terms, why is it that so many people I know have been partnered for so long... making it work despite the heartaches, how is that those people found something worth fighting for, but I haven't?  And then I think about the situations in which I gave up... or the situations in which the other did... and I know I wouldn't have been happy, know that it wasn't a situation that would have gotten better. But I am still left complaining.    And then I think about how long it has been in-between loves. How I spent 8 years between Alexis and Jesse, and even though I had a serious crush on lacey I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I think about all the crushes, and how easy it was to recognize they weren't worth the effort, that appreciating them as friends or from a distance was enough. How few people really catch my eye in that way... so few, and even less over time. 

I always thought the more I worked towards healing myself, the more open I would be... but the truth is that I have become even less open to the world. More mindful. More voyeuristic. I sit and listen to my coworkers without contributing for long moments. I do not seek out new people. I am becoming more a hermit each day. 

What karma brought this on? -I questioned in and own of bouts of fever. In a past life was I so blissfully companioned that I wanted the opposite?  Was I so abusive towards my partner that I didn't deserve one this time around?   What is this?   Or perhaps, just the circumstances as life is. I am not in community. I have no group. My social sphere is scattered across regions, and my professional role requires distance. Or is it my lack of social skills? I have no chat up lines, no shallow inquiries. I want to know your heart, or none of you. 

But then I consider, in my state of weariness, perhaps I've accomplished what I came to... What are my accomplishments I ask myself.

I contributed to hundreds of people's lives, mostly for the better. I taught, I counseled, I organized, and role modeled. Sure, I ghosted sometimes (karma has bitten me back). I have learned a great deal, and struggled to put it into practice. I have reflected more than I should. I have created and offered. I have traveled. I have connected. I have spent time alone and with companions. I have adventured. I have sulked. More concretely, I feel like I've done a lot with my life... I am not sure what I have to show for it, but it happened more or less how I planned. I am a person full of shame, and also full of pride. I have loved my life, and it feels sad to me that I can't share that with someone. And so in the middle of the night, I wondered if maybe I need to start planning for the next phases, irregardless of my desire for a partner, life will continue. I can't just sulk. 

And really, I have been wondering about this a lot lately in my little moments of gloom. Really, what purpose am I serving right now? I give counsel to handful of youth and their families. I make a tiny dent. It feels manageable. I am not sure I want to take on more in this field. I am not sure if I want a caseload of 20 or 30. I am not sure I want the life my mother created, with workshops on the weekends, and 4 days a week of back to back clients. It's not that it isn't meaningful, it surely is. But at the same time, there is no end. There will always be swarms more, and that's kind of depressing in some light. The work is not accomplished. I suppose that is the truth of humanity as well though, no?

Maybe I am just realizing my place in the wheel. Like a farmer, I can till and plant, and weed and harvest, ceaselessly. If I don't learn to take satisfaction in what I have, then I better get more ambitious again. 

I recently asked a coworker what she would do after this job. She didn't know. I don't know either. I feel it is a good fit for a time, and I have no desire to leave... I am certainly not feeling burned out like at the last job. But my supervisor is right that I will get bored. I will start to see the cycle, and the pressures of keeping up with the daily tasks, won't be fulfilling enough to motivate me alone. I will need something else. 

I thought that something else was going to be parenting. I am still angry and grieving that. Sometimes I wonder why I am so ridiculously furious with M, it is really funny to me when I catch it. Like I am yelling internally, like I have made her a mastermind villain who robbed me of my dreams. It's a drama. It's silly. The real story is more like I 500 days of summer-ed myself, but the drama reveals some of the underlying grief. 

When I took on social work and therapy, initially I just told myself it would aid me in the large life purpose. I am a healer, a teacher, a peacemaker. And these are a set of tools to be understood. Now I am wondering if there is more to learn, or whether I just need to continue practicing towards mastery... but I am 37 and lonely. I am childless. I am in a job that I could do forever, but won't. I have things I want to share with the world, but I am not doing them. At some point, I will need to move forward, or the world will offer me a tower card

and I just keep waiting for it to fall