Last night I went to bed around midnight after finishing a book, I awoke an hour later after having a dream or nightmare.
In the dream, people were fighting, and hiding. It was an action moving, until suddenly it was more.
The last thing I remember before waking up, was the feeling of being crept up on. The fear that I would soon be surrounded by something I couldn't escape. A message repeated in my head, as if they were telling me something. I don't remember the words, but it was something along the lines of "we're coming" or "we'll get you soon." I woke up startled, still feeling surrounded. It felt like they were just above and behind my head, to my sides. I prayed for protection.
I was open eyed, and in the vision of my room, which was lighter than it should have been, each shadow had a weird scribble of dark blue, a navy like tornado scribble that moved, as a script of equations flashed over it. The equations looked like writing, like paragraphs, but they moved continually, flashing before me and then changing and shifting seemingly endlessly. I could not read the equations.
They appeared like filler lines, with glowing shapes, that would flash bigger and brighter as your eyes passed over them. Always the same colors, but the lines did not repeat. The other symbols I couldn't register, there may have been dozens, but only the dashes and spaces and shapes registered.
- - - -▲ - - - - - ▪ - - - - - - ● - - - - ▪▪ - - - - - - ▪ - - - ● - - - -\
> - - - - ▲ - - - - - ● -- - - - ●
I watched the script flash before me for several minutes, watched the navy blue behind it. I wondered what this message was? Wondered what it could possibly mean, and why it felt so universal when I had never seen it before. Nothing like this seemed familiar, but it also wasn't out of the ordinary. These flashing colors and shapes, these are common place. Is this what the brain does when it wakes from a dream suddenly I wondered, are these the cones and rods of my eyes adjusting from sleep, or is this something more. When the fear settled through my body, the script gradually disappeared. I reached for my phone, I'd been asleep for an hour though it had felt like a lifetime. I tried to look up similar things. But google doesn't do a great job of reading your mind. I can't find anything closely related. Why the scribbled navy blue behind it? Why the feeling of being surrounded. Why the urgency. Why did it feel like the matrix?
Finding nothing, I prayed again, and meditated briefly on protective factors. On the blueprint shape. On clarity.
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I am not working again today. There is part of me that is eager to return to work and feel caught up. To feel like I am part of something. To push paper and feel productive. That wonders if I am missed, and wonders whether others are missing out because I am not present. A part of me that wonders if I should be using this time to get caught up, to get ahead. * And then there is part of me that wonders if I should quit my job, because it isn't real. Nothing matters all that much, and it is an illusion I grasp to and lose myself in -week after week.
It's a weird feeling. Like nothing matters. A disconnection that feels more real than the pull, but without the strength or urgency of it. Hard to explain. It doesn't feel like gravity, it feels like the air you're breathing before you think too hard about it.
I could just not... not pressure and push, myself and others.
I could let things unfold, the way they always will. Cycles upon cycles. Rise and fall.
And then, some other part of me cringes, some part of me wants to shout. Some part of me wants to scream and force change by my will. That part of me is saying quit your job because you can't do enough. That part says, if you don't do something now, your life won't have been worth it.
In the shower today I started singing "
One song glory" Roger's song about wanting to create something important that would outlast him (see Hamilton?). It is a familiar sentiment that I have shared since I was very young (Maybe I am a type 4 on the enneagram after all?)
Maybe I am just consumed with the idea of legacy as I think about how I want to spend the next portion of my life. It occurred to me last night that my mother is retiring and considering many of the same things. She has made a slight joke out of the fact that were she to have a retirement party, she couldn't invite the majority of the people she has worked with (clients). That at the end of this profession, you don't share the story with the folks you worked with. You provided a service, they moved on with their lives and didn't know your story.
It occurs to me in these examples, that at least in my life as a teacher I could document and gather some of the things I was learning. Where as now, it feels like I cannot share things in the same way. Or maybe, it just shows me that I need to get to work and actually do the things I have been thinking would be beneficial in my work. Making the curriculum, the packets or workbooks, the posters, shifting the group/classes towards self sufficiency -What will you do without Mike? Can you still run things... yes.
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But would that be enough? Would I need to start my workshops? Would I need to write my books?
Would I need to start a YouTube channel and blogs... What would I do...
I dunno. I haven't even started. What is sustainable. What matters.
and back to the dream... if they are coming, what do I need to learn or share before my time is through?
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