4 dreams?

 

1) A friend.  

I wouldn't say we were ravenous, not passionate, just fumbling. Our heads looking at our feet like middle schoolers as we undressed, and then redressed. It was dark in the room, intentionally. It wasn't a secret, but there was a desire to share intimacies, just not too much intimacy. Not soulful connection, not the merging of hearts, or even genitals. We held each other closely, pressing as if the hug itself would heal us, fully clothed - the embrace last only a moment, and then I pulled her on to the bed firmly pressing myself to her. Under blankets. Companionship with a hint of lust. There was movement, but it wasn't lovemaking, just subtlety, as if the act were uncouth. I wanted her near me, but not as a partner, just a pastime, and not because she isn't lovely, or worthy of love, but because we don't love each other like that. 

2) The dark:

The light began to dim, it felt too early for it to be so dark. The dead of winter, but with no moon light, no street light, nothing to give shape to the setting. We began in the kitchen. I don't know who she was, at first, clearly an ally. She was fidgeting with the light in the center of the ceiling. She asked me to turn on a few lamps in the living room, anything to make it a little easier to get the work done, but as I moved, the darkness increased, I'd turn on a light, and a half dozen others would go dark, 1 step forward and infinitely back, I began to race around the room, trying to locate light switches and lamp switches, my hands ran into cob webs in the dim, and I had that familiar irrational thought about spiders crawling over my skin. I went back into the kitchen, it seemed darker than before, and I raced to the other hallway, reaching for lights just beyond the doorway, beginning to be afraid by what lurked behind me. That feeling as you rush up the stairs from the basement. Except when I turned around, she had gone down the steps into the dark. Now she was calling for me. Calling for help. Not panicked, but not entirely calm. I braced myself for the darkness for the creepy crawly cobwebs, for the strange things jutting out in all corners, as what little light there was cast demonic shadows everywhere. I walked from room to room, all filled with the stuff that threatened to stab. The calling out for me continued, but I couldn't tell from where. At the far end of the room, against the gray cement block wall, was a pile of rubbish. Instinctually I ran to it, worrying it would be too late, and as I removed the trash, a child's back appeared. Face down, I removed as much trash as I could. He was breathing, but there was no movement. I couldn't see his face. He seemed stuck, comatose, and I peered over to another pile and knew I needed to dig someone out of there quickly. This time it was a baby, again face down. The same unnatural silence, stillness. The calling for help got worse. It came from the next room over. I left the baby and the child, and ran into the room where I found two wardrobes tipped over, their contents of hundreds of clothes spilled out. I feared she had been crushed. I pulled the stuff and the clothes from her, but suddenly she disappeared. The room felt haunted. Felt like each thing could strike at any moment. Like it could consume me whole. What is happening I asked myself, as things shifted from place to place. What is happening. I looked over to the wall, and saw a black figure, like the woman covered in black garbage bags slinking through the items in the corner. She looked like she was stalking around the room, like a demon caught in the light. I had nothing but fear, but couldn't look away and eventually since there was nothing else to do I moved forward, tried to pin her to the wall, tried to tear and pull at the plastic darkness, but her form melted like sand into the pile of stuff. What is happening! I began to say and then shout over and over, afraid for my life, but more for my sanity. What is happening. -I woke up in a sweat, terrified. 

3) Her family:

It was weird from the beginning. It didn't make sense, felt like a trap, but one I was prepared for. They were sitting in the stands of a gym sporting event, like a kid's basketball game. I don't know if her mother was there, but her Dad was, and both her sisters, and probably their boyfriends. It felt so strange. They were all there at once. A family event. She said she wanted to invite me because she knew it wouldn't happen again any time soon. So I went, and rather than be anxious, I felt like I had nothing to lose. And then it felt even weirder, because rather than the snark and sarcasm and drama that they always had, it seemed they were all on the best behavior. Like they were trying to impress me, like they wanted me there. I replied to her sisters with snark and charm, I made jokes, and in replying always made sure to have a double meaning. Always a point that says, "yeah, I can play your game, but I see right through you." But her Dad?  I think I was just myself with him. I was confident, and smart, and he welcomed me. And her? She pulled me next to her. I loved the warmth of sitting by her side. Loved the smiles she gave, the reassurances, felt like "Holy shit if this is how you had let it be!"  but no, I looked at her back warily every time. She pulled me close, and I would say "Yeah, we still have a lot to talk about." I wouldn't let her charm me off the hook. But I loved that she wanted me present again, and I loved that I felt like I could take it or leave it, and either way I was confident and proud of myself. Like I had won.

4) Wine:

It was the shorted of the dreams. I was walking through what must have been target (because where else do I shop) but it felt like costco, with huge shelves full of boxes... And she passed by me without saying anything. And then we both turned, to see what the other would do, but she kept walking, where as I stood still.  "M" I shouted her name, coldly. She turned again "Hi." she mumbled weakly. I said Hi back. She looked down at what she was buying, almost ashamed, a single bottle of wine, nothing else. She looked like she had wanted to hide from me, like she was an alcoholic about to lose their sobriety. I understood. She continued on her way. And I was left thinking, it didn't have to be this way.