Sunday the last in Febrero

 

When I was a child, I remember walking through the slightly darkened halls of Knollwood Mall. This was before the mall was divided up, before Kohls and Cub, and 50 little stores that don't connect. Before the 90s depression killed it. Before the 2000s revived it into something new. This was also before the craft and card fairs in my memory. I don't even remember the true layout. I am sure the movie theater was still there. I am sure there was an Orange Julius and a Dairy Queen and a candy store. But what I remember was the pet store. The smell of that place. The bedding in the cages. The aquarium smell in the back. And I remember there were these brick steps that led up to a department store near it, though I couldn't tell you the name of the store, I know we were there a lot on those steps and in that pet store.  And I remember them playing late 70s and 80s music, because this was the 80s. I remember getting them stuck in my head, and feeling the first taste of that thought that some songs are just too powerful. That they can just take over your mind and suddenly you are singing them and you have no idea how you learned it. I remember walking through the mall totally unaware, just all in my head as this music played. This was before my parents were divorced. This was when my childhood was warm and the world was safe. And I was wandering the halls of Knollwood Mall lost in my mind. 

Last night at like 1 AM I was playing 70s and 80s songs on YouTube searching for some of those nostalgic songs. I don't remember them all. I can't tell you the names, or the lyrics, or which band... because I was so young that the music they played was just the environment, it wasn't separate, the intention of musicians... no, the world didn't work like that. People weren't people yet. They were just the universe, they were all in the hypnosis. 

As I was playing songs, I recognized one was Billy Joel's "The longest time"  1984. The year of my birth. I am sure that it was around 1988-1990 when I am remember these things. I couldn't have been under 4, but it was before my parents separated so not 91-92. The world was more conservative then. It seems to make sense that the mall would play music a few years old. I have no idea what some of the other songs are... but as I was listening to all these 70s and 80s songs last night, I realized there were a lot of 80s songs that I know really well even though I had no idea who the musicians were. Almost all the pop and love songs. Maybe from movie soundtracks and stuff too. 

Anyway... that was a little nostalgia. Music is amazing. It's funny how the character in Guardians of the Galaxy is all jazzed and crazy about his tape mix of those kinds of songs. It makes sense. Thats exactly what this nostalgia thing is... and probably some of the same exact songs.  

Another song I liked was Heart's "Crazy on You" but I don't think it was from that mall. Just a good song. 

I remember Pete's brother had a mix of 80s songs that had some really good stuff on it, and initially I was opposed to it because I was so into 90s music that it felt like I had to defend it or something... but those were some good songs. I wish I had that now...

This weekend. 

Went for some walks this weekend. Watched a lot of other people playing AOE 2 on YouTube... felt a little like a few years ago when I would sit in bed with M sleeping next to me.  I didn't do much else, a little painting... Saw Katie and my Dad. 

My Dad is getting cochlear surgery in a few days. I am hopeful for him, and a little scared. As he said today, it's the kind of thing that if you were just like "hey we're going right now." it would be easier than waiting all this time.  He's had hearing issues since before I was born, so this is pretty big. In the last year they said he was basically down to 5/15 % of hearing in his ears. But the surgery does have some risks. Plus covid. They will turn it on in a month. 

For my uncle, and a few other people I know who have had it, it was pretty life changing. I am hoping he doesn't throw it away by working with loud machinery after -because I am pretty sure this lawn care business he started is why his hearing got so much worse so quick. 

I am getting my second dose of the vaccine next weekend. This week is gonna be exhausting. I am gonna try to stay caught up with all my work and figure out some good routines... but it feels like a lot of stuff time crunching all at once. Students back to full time in person. New electronic health records that lock us out after 24 hours if our stuff isn't in. Lots of random treatment planning and stuff to do. Plus staffing issues...   I dunno. I gotta not take work personally as if it is who I am. 

I need to find other things to make life feel like it is more than work. All my tarot readers have been telling me things will change... but how?

Also I keep telling myself to cut back on sugar and then I buy more and more candy and junk food. 

I guess I didn't have anything revelatory to write about tonight. Life feels like something could change right now... like its just around the bend, and at the same time, like nothing will ever change. Its a weird feeling. Its weird to have passion about stuff but not have any desire to follow through. Thats been a few years... 

Cant sleep

 Having one of those anxious overthinking nights.

Started writing this on Facebook, I don’t even know why. 

Cant sleep, so here is one of the thoughts I’ve been pondering a lot lately - educators, parents and business owners (amongst others) might have some thoughts?   

Has the pandemic finally made it clear how the education system as an institution has completely lost a functional trajectory? an agreed upon societal mandate? 

We have used school for various functions and argued based on certain idealistic premises that it must continue as is, but it seems to me that many of these premises have gone out the window - and the pandemic has simply made it obvious. 

-Job preparation? For what jobs...

-Citizenship/civilian prep? For what society...

-critical thinking? Laughable 

-personal development? Ridiculous 

-socialization? Clearly not prioritized

It feels pretty clear at this point that we have fallen back on the actual function of the education system, which is a holding cell/baby sitting, and a way of dividing to reinforce the inequalities that already exist. Oh and also so that the rich can continue to make that money...   but ummmm solutions?

I know that we are sold on a divided nation. And it certainly feels that way. Maybe our failures have derived from agreeing to the pittance we agree upon, or the back and forth of competing ideals, or dreams and expectations without follow through. But I kind of wonder what people actually want from society. 

Arguably we could say this about all of our institutional pillars today. But maybe the solution finding starts with something like -what is your present day lived experience with (institution) and what functions would you like it to perform? 

————

I’m seeing cracks everywhere at my work, and it is feeling like I am failing even though I know I am doing what I can and what I should. 

The last few weeks we have been trying to switch ove to a new electronic health record system and it is slow to figure out and slow to work, and we’ve spent too much time doing that, and now I feel like I’ve lost my grip on my clients. 

Staff members are leaving or considering leaving. Other staff aren’t trained or are overworked and drained. We need to hire at least 2 maybe 3 new people. 

Oh   The teaching side can’t get their shit together and no one is on the same page. Next week we go back to full day in person learning. It will be my first time seeing the “real day treatment” since my 2 days prior to covid. Everyone is freaking out. 

Students aren’t taking responsibility for their own stuff. 

Their parents don’t follow through. 

Society is falling apart, and we have to tell them to focus on what they can control. Not just because it’s the only thing that will keep them sane, but also because we don’t trust they can have an impact on anything else. 

Where are the adults?   The kids want someone to save them. They want a hero. 

There is no one coming to save us. We have to do it ourselves. 

truths known and unknown

 

So much thinking, and what for?

    Ediya reminds us that meditation doesn't happen in the mind, it happens in the body. The body at rest, at peace, at present, without the mind to pull it astray. (but I was never for my body)

    The part of me that doesn't understand, gets angry. I am furious at the inattentiveness, the purposeful ignoring, neglect by leaders, those who lead people astray, betray their better interests. (and they'll be returned to power by the ones they've indoctrinated)

    And what are our better interests? That part of me that asks, it says will they learn from this lesson if they don't suffer through it? (and they'll suffer either way)

    And that other part of me that rushes in to give tools, to share the collected knowledge, what else am I good for? (The disillusion of my ego, another neglect, another shoving down)

    And that anger again, for the lack of foresight, for the ignorance that despises actual knowledge and insight, that dismisses the longterm betterment for short term gain, the immaturity of selfishness. 

   And really what is known at all? Is there any point to any of it, to living through, to growing, to learning,  the gathered relegating what is to another instance of... well that is. 

This weekend I went for three walks. One alone. One with my Dad. One with Rachel. Otherwise I pretty much stayed at home, bored, lonely, wishing for something compelling. I had goals: get groceries (check), do laundry (nope), exercise (check), see people (check), paint (I didn't do the project I had planned, but I watercolored, write (not really), read (not really), do something that made me feel alive and worth living? 

I dunno. Sometimes I fear I've lost the flavor of life. Like I get little tastes here and there, like a proper breeze will blow the scent into me, but it only makes me long for the next place over. Last weekend and a little during the week, I tried to meditate, to just sit with it all. But I am bored and lonely, and when I am not working, my life feels very purposeless. I could slip away and not be noticed. 

This feeling makes me want to make something. Be creative. But I find myself sitting still. Reclining. Passively watching, even when given the opportunity. My mind says don't reach out. Don't follow through. My mind is the worst... it gets in the way of so many things. Could I have accomplished all of my goals and more this weekend? Oh yes. But I chose not to. 

It's funny how I worry I am missing out. But then don't change. I fantasize about a potion, that will unlock the next step. About the smile that will unlock my heart. About the offer that will lead to the next adventure. All of these are simply choices. I stay locked up... Locked in my old ways. Believing somehow I can save the next generation the pain of growth?  

Sometimes I worry I've done it all wrong. but would I change anything? well, when given the chance in each breath, in each moment... I don't choose to. 

So functionally this must be serving me. I must be satisfied, content. 

I must be grateful for what I have... even if it is complaints. Maybe I like playing the prisoner? 

4 dreams?

 

1) A friend.  

I wouldn't say we were ravenous, not passionate, just fumbling. Our heads looking at our feet like middle schoolers as we undressed, and then redressed. It was dark in the room, intentionally. It wasn't a secret, but there was a desire to share intimacies, just not too much intimacy. Not soulful connection, not the merging of hearts, or even genitals. We held each other closely, pressing as if the hug itself would heal us, fully clothed - the embrace last only a moment, and then I pulled her on to the bed firmly pressing myself to her. Under blankets. Companionship with a hint of lust. There was movement, but it wasn't lovemaking, just subtlety, as if the act were uncouth. I wanted her near me, but not as a partner, just a pastime, and not because she isn't lovely, or worthy of love, but because we don't love each other like that. 

2) The dark:

The light began to dim, it felt too early for it to be so dark. The dead of winter, but with no moon light, no street light, nothing to give shape to the setting. We began in the kitchen. I don't know who she was, at first, clearly an ally. She was fidgeting with the light in the center of the ceiling. She asked me to turn on a few lamps in the living room, anything to make it a little easier to get the work done, but as I moved, the darkness increased, I'd turn on a light, and a half dozen others would go dark, 1 step forward and infinitely back, I began to race around the room, trying to locate light switches and lamp switches, my hands ran into cob webs in the dim, and I had that familiar irrational thought about spiders crawling over my skin. I went back into the kitchen, it seemed darker than before, and I raced to the other hallway, reaching for lights just beyond the doorway, beginning to be afraid by what lurked behind me. That feeling as you rush up the stairs from the basement. Except when I turned around, she had gone down the steps into the dark. Now she was calling for me. Calling for help. Not panicked, but not entirely calm. I braced myself for the darkness for the creepy crawly cobwebs, for the strange things jutting out in all corners, as what little light there was cast demonic shadows everywhere. I walked from room to room, all filled with the stuff that threatened to stab. The calling out for me continued, but I couldn't tell from where. At the far end of the room, against the gray cement block wall, was a pile of rubbish. Instinctually I ran to it, worrying it would be too late, and as I removed the trash, a child's back appeared. Face down, I removed as much trash as I could. He was breathing, but there was no movement. I couldn't see his face. He seemed stuck, comatose, and I peered over to another pile and knew I needed to dig someone out of there quickly. This time it was a baby, again face down. The same unnatural silence, stillness. The calling for help got worse. It came from the next room over. I left the baby and the child, and ran into the room where I found two wardrobes tipped over, their contents of hundreds of clothes spilled out. I feared she had been crushed. I pulled the stuff and the clothes from her, but suddenly she disappeared. The room felt haunted. Felt like each thing could strike at any moment. Like it could consume me whole. What is happening I asked myself, as things shifted from place to place. What is happening. I looked over to the wall, and saw a black figure, like the woman covered in black garbage bags slinking through the items in the corner. She looked like she was stalking around the room, like a demon caught in the light. I had nothing but fear, but couldn't look away and eventually since there was nothing else to do I moved forward, tried to pin her to the wall, tried to tear and pull at the plastic darkness, but her form melted like sand into the pile of stuff. What is happening! I began to say and then shout over and over, afraid for my life, but more for my sanity. What is happening. -I woke up in a sweat, terrified. 

3) Her family:

It was weird from the beginning. It didn't make sense, felt like a trap, but one I was prepared for. They were sitting in the stands of a gym sporting event, like a kid's basketball game. I don't know if her mother was there, but her Dad was, and both her sisters, and probably their boyfriends. It felt so strange. They were all there at once. A family event. She said she wanted to invite me because she knew it wouldn't happen again any time soon. So I went, and rather than be anxious, I felt like I had nothing to lose. And then it felt even weirder, because rather than the snark and sarcasm and drama that they always had, it seemed they were all on the best behavior. Like they were trying to impress me, like they wanted me there. I replied to her sisters with snark and charm, I made jokes, and in replying always made sure to have a double meaning. Always a point that says, "yeah, I can play your game, but I see right through you." But her Dad?  I think I was just myself with him. I was confident, and smart, and he welcomed me. And her? She pulled me next to her. I loved the warmth of sitting by her side. Loved the smiles she gave, the reassurances, felt like "Holy shit if this is how you had let it be!"  but no, I looked at her back warily every time. She pulled me close, and I would say "Yeah, we still have a lot to talk about." I wouldn't let her charm me off the hook. But I loved that she wanted me present again, and I loved that I felt like I could take it or leave it, and either way I was confident and proud of myself. Like I had won.

4) Wine:

It was the shorted of the dreams. I was walking through what must have been target (because where else do I shop) but it felt like costco, with huge shelves full of boxes... And she passed by me without saying anything. And then we both turned, to see what the other would do, but she kept walking, where as I stood still.  "M" I shouted her name, coldly. She turned again "Hi." she mumbled weakly. I said Hi back. She looked down at what she was buying, almost ashamed, a single bottle of wine, nothing else. She looked like she had wanted to hide from me, like she was an alcoholic about to lose their sobriety. I understood. She continued on her way. And I was left thinking, it didn't have to be this way. 

Saturday

11:34 

It's a Saturday and I have nothing to do.  I cut my hair and shaved.The only other projects I have are painting, reading and writing. I could watch some movies. I could watch some YouTube (I am). I could reach out to some folks. Might talk to a coworker. 

I am watching videos about relationships and energy. Probably not the best idea, because it puts me in the past. Makes me question myself and others. But I guess, I am wanting to move forward in life, but not sure what that looks like (Same as every other blog I have written). 

I was thinking about the advice I gave a student yesterday. We were talking about his armored persona and the story he has told himself about who he is. And how, to heal, he needs to take off the armor and start to enjoy his innocence and vulnerability.  

How often is the thing we need, the thing we are avoiding at all costs?

There are of course reasons he put on the armor, but it is now costing him more than it helped.

So I guess I am wondering, what defenses I have used that are now keeping me from healing rather than protecting me. This is a big issue with my energy. I have to protect myself because I am constantly feeling drained by giving. (I know energy is universal and abundant, but I don't manage it well, and I need people who give energy or respect/support my reenergizing rather than drain it). 

One of the difficulties I have is that this feels more like passivity, retreat, avoidance, if I am not careful. It comes off as Mike being inactive, when it is a proactive choice (sometimes) to hold space for myself. How do I hold on to Mike as ambitious and building, rather than as lazy and defeated? 

I don't know. I think I am struggling because it's always been a bit of both hasn't it?

a dream

Last night I went to bed around midnight after finishing a book, I awoke an hour later after having a dream or nightmare. 

In the dream, people were fighting, and hiding. It was an action moving, until suddenly it was more. 

The last thing I remember before waking up, was the feeling of being crept up on. The fear that I would soon be surrounded by something I couldn't escape. A message repeated in my head, as if they were telling me something. I don't remember the words, but it was something along the lines of "we're coming" or "we'll get you soon." I woke up startled, still feeling surrounded. It felt like they were just above and behind my head, to my sides. I prayed for protection. 

I was open eyed, and in the vision of my room, which was lighter than it should have been, each shadow had a weird scribble of dark blue, a navy like tornado scribble that moved, as a script of equations flashed over it. The equations looked like writing, like paragraphs, but they moved continually, flashing before me and then changing and shifting seemingly endlessly. I could not read the equations. 

They appeared like filler lines, with glowing shapes, that would flash bigger and brighter as your eyes passed over them. Always the same colors, but the lines did not repeat. The other symbols I couldn't register, there may have been dozens, but only the dashes and spaces and shapes registered. 

- - - -▲ - - - - - ▪ - - - - - -  ● - - - -  ▪

▪ - - -   - - - ▪ - - -  ●  - - - -\

> - - - -  ▲ - - - - -   ●   --  - - -   ●  

I watched the script flash before me for several minutes, watched the navy blue behind it. I wondered what this message was?  Wondered what it could possibly mean, and why it felt so universal when I had never seen it before. Nothing like this seemed familiar, but it also wasn't out of the ordinary. These flashing colors and shapes, these are common place. Is this what the brain does when it wakes from a dream suddenly I wondered, are these the cones and rods of my eyes adjusting from sleep, or is this something more. When the fear settled through my body, the script gradually disappeared. I reached for my phone, I'd been asleep for an hour though it had felt like a lifetime. I tried to look up similar things. But google doesn't do a great job of reading your mind. I can't find anything closely related. Why the scribbled navy blue behind it? Why the feeling of being surrounded. Why the urgency. Why did it feel like the matrix? 

Finding nothing, I prayed again, and meditated briefly on protective factors. On the blueprint shape. On clarity. 

**********************************************

I am not working again today. There is part of me that is eager to return to work and feel caught up. To feel like I am part of something. To push paper and feel productive. That wonders if I am missed, and wonders whether others are missing out because I am not present. A part of me that wonders if I should be using this time to get caught up, to get ahead. * And then there is part of me that wonders if I should quit my job, because it isn't real. Nothing matters all that much, and it is an illusion I grasp to and lose myself in -week after week.  

It's a weird feeling. Like nothing matters. A disconnection that feels more real than the pull, but without the strength or urgency of it. Hard to explain. It doesn't feel like gravity, it feels like the air you're breathing before you think too hard about it. 

I could just not... not pressure and push, myself and others. 

I could let things unfold, the way they always will. Cycles upon cycles. Rise and fall.

And then, some other part of me cringes, some part of me wants to shout. Some part of me wants to scream and force change by my will. That part of me is saying quit your job because you can't do enough. That part says, if you don't do something now, your life won't have been worth it. 

In the shower today I started singing "One song glory" Roger's song about wanting to create something important that would outlast him (see Hamilton?). It is a familiar sentiment that I have shared since I was very young (Maybe I am a type 4 on the enneagram after all?) 

Maybe I am just consumed with the idea of legacy as I think about how I want to spend the next portion of my life. It occurred to me last night that my mother is retiring and considering many of the same things. She has made a slight joke out of the fact that were she to have a retirement party, she couldn't invite the majority of the people she has worked with (clients). That at the end of this profession, you don't share the story with the folks you worked with. You provided a service, they moved on with their lives and didn't know your story. 

A tarot reader I have been watching, kept using the example of "creating a YouTube channel" as a means of discussing new ventures. It's funny, I haven't had any desire to do so in awhile, but I just watched a video about rising sea levels and thought, at least this person is doing something. I also just watched John Green's video about YouTube channels...  

It occurs to me in these examples, that at least in my life as a teacher I could document and gather some of the things I was learning. Where as now, it feels like I cannot share things in the same way. Or maybe, it just shows me that I need to get to work and actually do the things I have been thinking would be beneficial in my work. Making the curriculum, the packets or workbooks, the posters, shifting the group/classes towards self sufficiency -What will you do without Mike? Can you still run things... yes. 

****************************************************

But would that be enough?  Would I need to start my workshops? Would I need to write my books?

Would I need to start a YouTube channel and blogs...  What would I do...

I dunno.  I haven't even started. What is sustainable. What matters. 

and back to the dream... if they are coming, what do I need to learn or share before my time is through?

accomplishments

 

At some point last night I became feverish. I lay in bed, hour after hour, totally aware of each muscle, not necessarily in pain, but too aware to drift to sleep. The temperature changed, cold and tingly, warm and disagreeable. I found myself taking advil at 2 AMish. I woke up at my normal work time and felt good. Felt awake and comfortable. But we have this policy we tell the kids of don't come in unless its been 24 hours since your last symptoms. So I took half the day off and went to the training in the afternoon virtually. I did laundry, I took out the garbage, I did the dishes and cleaned parts of my apartment. I felt great until about 2pm, when suddenly I felt achy and feverish again. I was sweating, and then 20 minutes later I had to put a bathrobe on over my layers of clothes. I wasn't hungry, but made myself eat. I have noticed that food is helpful even when I am not hungry. I texted my boss telling her I'd need to stay home tomorrow too. I don't know if it is actually sickness. My body is probably just creating antibodies as the vaccine is supposed to. It makes me nervous about the next round, as they say the second dose has more side effects. 

At some point last night when I couldn't sleep and just waited...

I started thinking about the fact that I am still so stuck on my own loneliness. In some ways, I compare myself to others and I am always left wondering what is wrong with me that I don't have a partner?

Why is it that M was so quick to get away, and yet, presumably has created a new life easy enough with this new dude?  Why was I so easy to replace? really everyone I have ever dated had a new partner within months. 

Or in less personal terms, why is it that so many people I know have been partnered for so long... making it work despite the heartaches, how is that those people found something worth fighting for, but I haven't?  And then I think about the situations in which I gave up... or the situations in which the other did... and I know I wouldn't have been happy, know that it wasn't a situation that would have gotten better. But I am still left complaining.    And then I think about how long it has been in-between loves. How I spent 8 years between Alexis and Jesse, and even though I had a serious crush on lacey I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I think about all the crushes, and how easy it was to recognize they weren't worth the effort, that appreciating them as friends or from a distance was enough. How few people really catch my eye in that way... so few, and even less over time. 

I always thought the more I worked towards healing myself, the more open I would be... but the truth is that I have become even less open to the world. More mindful. More voyeuristic. I sit and listen to my coworkers without contributing for long moments. I do not seek out new people. I am becoming more a hermit each day. 

What karma brought this on? -I questioned in and own of bouts of fever. In a past life was I so blissfully companioned that I wanted the opposite?  Was I so abusive towards my partner that I didn't deserve one this time around?   What is this?   Or perhaps, just the circumstances as life is. I am not in community. I have no group. My social sphere is scattered across regions, and my professional role requires distance. Or is it my lack of social skills? I have no chat up lines, no shallow inquiries. I want to know your heart, or none of you. 

But then I consider, in my state of weariness, perhaps I've accomplished what I came to... What are my accomplishments I ask myself.

I contributed to hundreds of people's lives, mostly for the better. I taught, I counseled, I organized, and role modeled. Sure, I ghosted sometimes (karma has bitten me back). I have learned a great deal, and struggled to put it into practice. I have reflected more than I should. I have created and offered. I have traveled. I have connected. I have spent time alone and with companions. I have adventured. I have sulked. More concretely, I feel like I've done a lot with my life... I am not sure what I have to show for it, but it happened more or less how I planned. I am a person full of shame, and also full of pride. I have loved my life, and it feels sad to me that I can't share that with someone. And so in the middle of the night, I wondered if maybe I need to start planning for the next phases, irregardless of my desire for a partner, life will continue. I can't just sulk. 

And really, I have been wondering about this a lot lately in my little moments of gloom. Really, what purpose am I serving right now? I give counsel to handful of youth and their families. I make a tiny dent. It feels manageable. I am not sure I want to take on more in this field. I am not sure if I want a caseload of 20 or 30. I am not sure I want the life my mother created, with workshops on the weekends, and 4 days a week of back to back clients. It's not that it isn't meaningful, it surely is. But at the same time, there is no end. There will always be swarms more, and that's kind of depressing in some light. The work is not accomplished. I suppose that is the truth of humanity as well though, no?

Maybe I am just realizing my place in the wheel. Like a farmer, I can till and plant, and weed and harvest, ceaselessly. If I don't learn to take satisfaction in what I have, then I better get more ambitious again. 

I recently asked a coworker what she would do after this job. She didn't know. I don't know either. I feel it is a good fit for a time, and I have no desire to leave... I am certainly not feeling burned out like at the last job. But my supervisor is right that I will get bored. I will start to see the cycle, and the pressures of keeping up with the daily tasks, won't be fulfilling enough to motivate me alone. I will need something else. 

I thought that something else was going to be parenting. I am still angry and grieving that. Sometimes I wonder why I am so ridiculously furious with M, it is really funny to me when I catch it. Like I am yelling internally, like I have made her a mastermind villain who robbed me of my dreams. It's a drama. It's silly. The real story is more like I 500 days of summer-ed myself, but the drama reveals some of the underlying grief. 

When I took on social work and therapy, initially I just told myself it would aid me in the large life purpose. I am a healer, a teacher, a peacemaker. And these are a set of tools to be understood. Now I am wondering if there is more to learn, or whether I just need to continue practicing towards mastery... but I am 37 and lonely. I am childless. I am in a job that I could do forever, but won't. I have things I want to share with the world, but I am not doing them. At some point, I will need to move forward, or the world will offer me a tower card

and I just keep waiting for it to fall

brain fog and an achy arm

 I want to read and write today, but my mind is a little off topic. It doesn't seem to grasp when I reach. Or maybe it does, but I don't see the connection going through, have lost confidence in its ability to ensnare the prize.

My left arm aches because I received the first dose of the moderna vaccine yesterday. It was 10 minutes, and a 15 minute wait period. For a few seconds I felt my heart beat increase, for a minute my lungs were slightly more compact. But nothing serious at all. Difficult to sleep. That's been the biggest issue. Can't sleep on my left side with an arm that is screaming. But I've had similar experiences with other vaccines. One time I got 3 shots in one arm and 2 in the other. That was an achy night. 

They say this one is 94% effective, but they are also still running all the studies. It's not an approved vaccine. I didn't realize that. It's been shown to be effective and brought to the market, but the FDA hasn't actually approved it. It feels weird to be a medical experiment. 

It is subzero outside, and my apartment is dry and cold. It might be giving me a headache. I should probably bust out the humidifier. 

I basically planned to be home all weekend anyway, unsure if the vaccine would take me out. I want a nap.   This last week was really odd. There were numerous days where I felt like something was wrong with me, like maybe I was sick. (Maybe I have covid?) It left me with a really strong lack of motivation and very little follow through. I haven't felt social. I've been wanting to sleep, read and write. But writing has felt beyond my reach. I want to curl into a ball and not exist for a month, but I am not depressed in the mood sense. Just out of it. 

At the beginning of the week I watched these horoscope videos, and everything in my universe seemed to be saying things will change soon. That something new was just around the corner. Maybe it is. But half way through the week I was sick of waiting. It felt too drawn out. If I have to wait a decade then tell me so I can hibernate instead of getting my hopes up, kind of thing. And maybe the lady who reached out to me on bumble means something. Or maybe I am drawing new energy toward me. Or maybe someone from my past will reach out. Or maybe I am just going in circles in my head. 

It feels like the circles. Hope and disappointment. 

What changes now that I am vaccinated? not much. 

Yesterday I was watching something or reading something and they mentioned doing a daily journal prompt. I kind of liked that idea, something to get back in the habit of writing, while being offered new directions to consider. I am so stuck in my own narratives. 

The first one I found was from a Teal Swan video about saving your energy,  "Write about the things you love about yourself, that you would never want to change" the idea being that these are non-negotiables when you enter relationships with others. 

What are the parts of me that I never want to change:

I like being the kind of person who makes efforts to understand, to see other perspectives, who communicates across those divides. I like being curious about the world, even today I spent a half an hour on google maps while I learned about the history of Luxembourg and why? Because why not?

I like having a spiritual leaning, I don't ever want to become someone so cynical that I can't see the value in faith... 

I am not sure this is the right exercise for me. There are so many things I have cut from my life, because they didn't matter to me. The ones that have stayed, will stay. The ones that felt necessary for sensory reasons or anxieties, those I'll keep working on... 

I've been thinking a lot about the missed opportunities I have had. How I met a lot of cool people in Grad School and didn't take them up on the offer of friendship because I felt too drained. How I didn't reach out after. Some of them I am not even Facebook friends with. I am not sure if it was my anxiety or my recognition that it is really hard to keep up with people... Maybe it was smart of me AND I missed an opportunity. I think at the time, and still, I do these weird cost/benefit assessments of talking with people. I am not sure they are accurate. More often than not, I assume the costs will far outweighs the benefits.  What if I had been on an anti anxiety med in grad school? or when I was with M. Would things have been altogether different today? If that is true, what is keeping me from taking a medication so that my future feels more accessible? 

Maybe my mentality is mucking up my social life. 

I guess I didn't have as much to say as I hoped. 

When I was in bed last night, I thought, tomorrow you should just dwell on poetic thoughts all day...

That hasn't happened at all.