Yeah yeah yeah

I can't get back to sleep... which is nice because tomorrow is the first day of summer school classes and of course I am nervous and excited.

Planning in my head the millions of different avenues that a single topic could take, which is the best? Which is exciting? Which will help them learn? and also the whole... do I have enough information? Do I have the right sources, am I insane for teaching this? 

I also have this lost friendship running through my head. Like many of the lost friendships they haunt me, but in this person's case she is so visible to the world that its hard to get away from the loss. Sometimes this makes me feel really hurt, sometimes angry and tonight  just happy...

I listened to an interview earlier and it was so nice to hear her voice, talking, with confidence about the topics she wanted to share about, redirecting the things she didn't... it reminded me of so many conversations that I don't think she knows I cherished.  I often question the things I did wrong... and often blame her too.

But the truth is that I am so proud that its hard to give up. I'm proud to see someone I love doing what they do so wonderfully, and the world responding with such excitement... because its what she deserves, and even if I don't get to be by her side witnessing it, I still really love knowing that my heart's thoughts are so universally accepted.  

Sometimes we talk about seeing the best in people and wondering if that is truly who they are or if we are just wishfully thinking... I love to know that things that touched me so deeply about this person, inspired me so strongly etc  are also acknowledged and inspire others.  It makes me all warm and emotional.  

I don't know if we can have our friendship back. It was always hard with others around anyway... and for all I know she is happier without me, with a better group of friends that follows through in ways I could only imply I would... people who inspire her, and push her to be better. I hope that is the case.

For now I guess I will just sit embarrassed and occasionally melancholy at the loss of opportunity to love more... but still with love.


Its funny how visibility makes things harder yet I yearn for it. Such a voyeur, I wish everyone would put themselves out there for me to -hold onto.  Life doesn't always provide the time, energy, means or situation to care in a way that shows (right) but my heart knows.
Its funny how often I have avoided using the word love in public lately... like I got too overwhelmed again and couldn't say it... I always walk away thinking about how much I do care about that person...  and how I hope they know. This has probably been the great downfall of all of my relationships, my insecure vulnerable humanity replacing my ability to actually act on it. 

I always get mad at the characters in movies for doing the things I do... *why are you walking away?  That's not really what you mean! JUST SAY IT DAMNIT!!!!!        but in the moment I fail the test.