Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

This Article is quite interesting

I wouldn't call myself a conspiracy theorist, but this looks more like the way that politics is really played out. This guy who shares my name was one of the leading conservative behind the scenes for decades and lead to groups that fundamentally changed the way the country works.  Helped financially back the group that started the Iraq war, got neocons in power, created school choice, faith based initiatives. Do I think these things were intentionally meant to change the way the world works... yes.  Is it a conspiracy to think that republicans are intentionally going after the democratic base, no, disenfranchised black voters in the 2 bush elections, pushing voter ID, pushing anti immigrant bills, attacking unions and teachers, and healthcare.. no that is all very intentional. 

Now one could say, well did the dems ever really help these groups out? Urban Blacks, did dems ever really do anything for them to make them so loyal?  Well no not a whole lot, so wouldn't black people want school choice if it offered them a way out... I think the problem is its at the individual level. It creates competition for goods and resources that aren't really there. Blacks with a college education are still disproportionately hurt during this economic downturn, so is giving them private school vouchers going to change the economic climate for them? no.   Creating a little niche room that leads to nothing is not a solution when you are slashing and burning everything else that offers support... that's the trick they are playing... "hey stand right here where you will be safe, safe from the fire I am setting all around you". 

Fuck dems too though. Fucking awful, spineless cowards, same side of the coin almost, at this point dems are the republicans of the 90s and the republicans of any time before Reagan look better than these fucks.  

And today

Well I didn't accomplish many of my goals today. I watched two school related movies and finished some paper work, but didn't do anything for the book club class, or figure out my curriculum design. 

I spent some time listening to Haley Bonar, who sounds really beautiful when you are in and out of sleep.

I had a dream that it was a school day and even though I knew the school was understaffed I had to call in sick... but I didn't call till like 2:00 PM which would be so unlike me.  By then the day would be over basically and the staff would be super exhausted and probably pretty angry with me. 

I checked out some craigslist ads for housing... it seems like it is too early to be looking -most people are asking for July or beginning of August and I think I am looking for more like late August or beginning of Sept at this point... but I don't really know because Morgan and the landlord haven't quite confirmed anything.

On Shame, Rejection, Music and God

I keep having all these nights where I struggle with that whole unlovable issue. I think its good that I can get to my core issues so fast... to deal with them right away rather than annoying people with inappropriate behavior or something... but it also sucks when you just get to the issue and there is still no solution.  

Russ told me he had been on dates with three different women since his break up a few months ago... I laughed, having been on zero dates in 5 years. But I am not the type to go on dates really... or rather I go on dates constantly with friends.  I can think of about 5 people who have been interested in dating me and it makes me wonder what makes me so picky about the whole thing.  What was different about the people I have dated?  Why did I choose them, was I so confident? No, but there was something different. Not about them, but about my reactions to them.

So I have been thinking about rejection a lot lately.  About how it feels, about why people make the choices they make, about why its necessary and why that doesn't make it easier. About my fear of it and about my fear of causing anyone else that pain.  Its weird to be on something so high up the hierarchy of needs,  I just read a book about the holocaust and there was very little about the fear of rejection, or even of love.  The will to survive and what for?  If I should spend the rest of my life doing what I am doing now would it be worth it?  I tend to think of most things as a means to a better future, forget to take pleasure in the moment, and if the moment is all we have and I blow it off then maybe the future and survival isn't worth it.  Maybe if I don't have children (as I am expecting is now the case) there would be little legacy to leave... the characters in the book are so survival bent that they neglect to respect the dead... That song I posted is that... a request of god to spare them from damnation, and in it you can hear the love, the absolute love, but also the sort of fear we all carry that we too will be neglected, forgotten and abandoned -a hope that love can overcome, a hope that God will overcome the petty points, see past the shame we ourselves can't see past and believe in us... 

I spent a few moments every night wondering if that is the case... its like my eternal question, despite my differing beliefs, I spend a moment wondering if anyone, if God could see past my shame... Its sad to live so fear based.  I have seen it hurt many a person, daily I see the fears of others hurting us all.  I see it turn to violence of the physical and of the societal. 

In the movie The Tree of Life, the bulk of the movie deals with the childhood experiences of a set of brothers and their interactions with their parents. Its through the eyes of the eldest brother, who as a young adolescent does some things he feels shame for and can't tell anyone. You watch (fairly heartbroken) as these almost harmless things become a weight so strong that they tear him apart, and cause him to hate himself and his parents for a time.  Eventually he reconciles with them (or so the movie leads you to believe) but it was hard to watch something so mathematically destructive.   The introduction of shame, the silencing aspect of it, the inner turmoil turning to self hatred and anger lashing out, only seeing evil in others because you can't see your own good anymore.  To see something like that play out before you and know that it is your life, but not be able to escape is rather heartbreaking. So I listen to the beautiful music on repeat and hear my soul cry out for forgiveness of a God I am not sure exists but I don't have a choice because I desire to see more than evil. 

and I do...     so there must be a god somewhere.