Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Oh the things we concern ourselves with...
I was trying to find a good picture for okcupid. The first year I was on there I had like 10 pictures that I thought did a good job of sharing my personality including extremes... you know so there weren't any surprises. In that year I had like 3 people message me...
So in a moment of "well lets try something new" I decided that I would go minimalist. I chose one picture that I figured looks more or less like me, and took a bunch of shit off my profile.
I have had about 3 people message me since.

I don't know why this is important to me in any way... I go on there every day for 5 minutes make 15 snap judgments and conclude there is no one I am looking for on there, or at least that okcupid would not be the way to meet them if they were. I often try to imagine myself on a first date and laugh at how insecure and anxious I would be. I am 99% sure I wouldn't ever agree to one.

When I told my Therapist that for the most part I felt like I had worked through the issue I had gone to counseling for, but still didn't feel good- he said "Well then you have self esteem issues" I asked what to do about that, he said that's why a lot of people go to counseling and the next few weeks we spent talking about online dating and trying to be outgoing. Then I stopped going to counseling.

When I cut my hair a year ago Becky got mad at me...  I remember feeling really trapped by that reaction, as if I could never change, as if she didn't trust that I wouldn't ever be normal, as if I was stuck to her image of me... but it was also really relieving since everyone else's reaction was that "I looked good with short hair."  Even the guy at the chinese restaurant I frequent told me I looked better with short hair. But I don't want short hair... I mean I got used to it, but I want weird locks and braids and bow ties and color, and want it to stand out sometimes, and other times I want to pull it back and forget about it but feel the weight of it.

The nice part of Becky's comment was that she was saying she liked me for me and didn't want me to conform to society. 

I think that has been the case with every person I have liked and every person who has liked me. I don't think I tricked them into it, I didn't post specific pictures or words to entice... they got to know me and didn't reject me right away.  That's part of why it  feels so good... Without daily life activities to relate to (School/college) I don't know how to do that in this society.