4 AM thoughts

Its so late but I guess I am not quite tired enough to fall asleep... probably the 2 cups of coffee and the RC cola.
I was in bed praying.
I guess my mom is having surgery tomorrow, but I wasn't thinking of that, I was thinking of all the friends I have and how many people I care about... and it takes a long time to go through them all.

How is it that I am so blessed?
I don't feel I deserve it, but when my relationships are strained I certainly wish to keep them intact.

Becky used to always say I had a lot of friends. Jess says the same thing to me now... with a sort of WOW attitude. But it feels normal to care about lots of people... how could you not?

When I go through the names on facebook I often find that there are so many that I don't even talk to anymore... people who I have fallen out with, or just dont happen to run in to.
BUT sometimes there is a feeling of regret that comes with that..
when I am in this gratitude mode though, more often I just sit and allow the feelings of joy to pass through me or sometimes to build up in me. These are amazing people. They have so much to offer the world.
There are still a few of those cats on facebook that I don't actually feel that connection with... but I have no doubt that someone else does.

Lacey was telling me about her feelings for a friend of hers the other day.
It was so easy to understand why she cared, because I could think up a thousand examples of people I have thought of (for a moment at least) in that way...
that way of loving someone because they have potential, because you have seen their true self for a moment... and that's all it really takes right?

One moment and you can be hooked.
Sometimes I think about people who after sharing that moment were reluctant to speak to me again, or see me again... not because they didn't feel it, but because they did and they were caught off guard.
Sorry to bring up facebook again, but I think its the most incredible thing because every time some person who knew you ten years ago friends you, what they are really saying is "I had that moment with you once" and sometimes you aren't even aware that they felt that way...

WOW I am overwhelming myself right now.
some people scoff, but I can't help but believe in God, how could I not when I have met so many miracles?


I was sitting at Hard Times Cafe tonight for like 4 hours.
Bri from BFF and Linus sat near by and I wanted to talk to her, but she was busy. She seemed to have another best friend of perhaps a boyfriend who worked there and I just liked to watch them, the way their connection filled them with energy and smiles.
I watched so many people, made judgments and fantasies. At several points I wanted to call out to people "Hey you there! Why are we not talking?"
I kept my mouth shut but more than once caught that same glance from other people.
A man who reminded me of Gavin was there. Gavin the Kiwi of so long ago. Gavin who told me about his sex life like it was the content of his normal day, Gavin who shared his secrets and adventures, Gavin who liked to impress and entertain almost always having to do with his scrotum, Gavin who liked to share quiet moments getting real over Pizza, Gavin who went along for the ride because he too could sense that even people with a darkside were worthy.

I miss him like I miss them all. This man I knew 8 years ago for a week or two.
Its easy to feel fulfilled when one becomes so aware of these blessings...
But I am not always aware... in fact more often than not I am stubborn and ignorant to it.
I find myself wanting more as if I could even handle it.

This break has been a trip.
I got to see so many beautifuls,
but somehow most of my regulars fell by the wayside...
and in some ways that is for the best since so many were in town but a moment...
but even when I am overwhelmed like this... I check myself over and still know something is missing.

I like to think of it as someone, that dream girl, but really I know its just me lacking the self confidence to make myself whole. because I worry that wholeness would come at the price of giving up all these miracle connections.

On Hair

I've joked before that my hair was too pretty not to keep long...
which wasn't really a joke, but an actual motivation derived of my vanity.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of hair, or rather why I keep it long... I am thinking about this because I will cut it in about a month.
I understand the reasons I cut it, usually a letting go process, a renewal. But why keep it long?

I understand that to most people they probably see me as one of those pony tail guys who are kind of creepy. Its not standard, its not exactly easy. It doesn't usually win any points with the ladies.

At times I know it has been my "freak flag" and generally I used to think that having long hair afforded more options than having short hair, but really due to the weather (humidity, heat, cold) and due to wetness and laziness I almost never do anything but throw it back. When I have short hair I actually find it is far easier to fuck with... throw in a bobby pin or some gel and wham you got a new hairstyle.

Also the rigidity of maintaining long hair can be a task. Not only do you have to keep it clean, combed and untampered with (if you want to donate it as I do) but there is a general sort of understanding that you will not suddenly shave away half your head...
This rigidity is something I am occasionally attracted to, I like the idea of Nazirite vows. I like the idea of undertaking this for something higher than myself... if nothing else to fulfill a vow. This is partially why I grow and cut in a 3 year cycle. I don't know why it happened that way... just something I came up with when I was younger but then it stuck. True the vows have been broken twice, each after a breakup when I needed that cleansing.

But I am wondering if I want to continue the three year cycle.
Weighing the options, pros and cons of having short hair vs long.

Usually when I have short hair I can't wait for it to be long again.
There is a sort of comfort there.
It used to be that I could hide my face, but now its more just the security of knowing I don't have to rely on me alone... like jewelry and pageantry it brightens and highlights (if only in my mind).



I used to be really attracted to long hair. I mean I still am, but I have grown accustomed to and attracted to other hair styles now as well. There are things I would like to try, if only for a week or two. Things that may not make me prettier but that would make me feel like I accomplished something (walking around looking weird is an accomplishment).

Anyway... I guess I am just thinking.
The song "Hair" from the musical Hair is still something I agree with in general I think. I feel like we should explore as much as we can and create and express.
But equally I am feeling a drive to conform, to settle and it doesn't feel bad. It feels like a nice thing sometimes. A new form of comfort.
I am guessing in a month or two I will start growing my hair though...

an update

Thanks for all the good wishes
my mom saw the doctors yesterday and is scheduled for surgery next week
followed by radiation therapy, followed by hormone therapy.
She seems almost excited.
I think she is ready to put this past her and stop everyone worrying
But this means that if all goes according to plan, none of us will have to worry within a few months which was basically the best case scenario.
So that was nice news to be woken up to yesterday.

u love it

at least 15 minutes or so

I got books to read and shit but...

I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing.

So the deal with that one post is that I found out a few days ago my Mom has Breast Cancer. Its hard to know how to react to that because for the most part I am not worried, but at times my thoughts get to me and it builds up quick. So the other night it was like 2 AM and I was just freaking out because I didn't really have anyone to talk to. I really wanted to just write something on facebook -like a general plea for someone to care... but my cousin hadn't been notified and all my family is on there and we are supposed to save face or something you know... so my cousins wasn't told because My uncle died just a year ago and its scary news to tell a teenager. Well anyway... it wasn't really just that, I was thinking about my Dad and how both his parents were dead now. How this was the first Christmas we didn't even think about going to Sioux Falls. How we will probably never do that again. Its just a lot to think about.

Its been hard lately... I am really enjoying time with friends but there are people I feel I am disappointing. I am not sure if I can change that, or if it is my job, but it feels bad.
The break has been really nice though... just relaxing and having fun. We went to a movie and went bowling today and sledding yesterday.
Like simple clean fun, no drinking or worries (except oh shit I'm gonna hit that jump!)
I got to see Nova and Robyn, and Hollie and Gabs and Ismael. I also got to see one of my old friends' new house which was surprisingly amazing and domestic and home-like. A bunch of people might go to Poncho Villa tomorrow so that should be fun.
At some point I know I need to do some work and read and maybe do some Spirit of Truth stuff but its been nice to have a break from my normal reality.

Um I liked Avatar and Sherlock Holmes, and home movies I do recommend Synedoche New York even though its a little slow... I think it might be more fun with someone. I am about to watch The Broken.

By the way since u were wondering my first bowling game was over 100 but the second wasn't so you can rest knowing I did " meh".

I have also discovered Mike and Ike Bubblegum which you should buy and be jealous of.

I figured out what we can do tonight when we are bored!

I cant even explain it all...
its just like heart break and too much weight.
and it feels really exhausting already, and it makes me even more reluctant to do holiday shit.
and it feels like I can't say anything because then I'm just moping and not trying to work through it... but it was hard enough to get out of bed and now I don't even want to think.

UHHHHHHH
I feel like I am the worst son ever.
life pulls too many directions at once sometimes.


*****************
I want people to understand how miserable I am right now... but I can't say anything or explain it right.

Tonight is not one of those nights where overcome by a flood of thoughts emotions or a strong feeling of values I pour onto the page.

No tonight has been relaxed, indulgent, enjoyable if a little lonely (but sometimes the loneliness starts to feel familiar like company).

I watched like 9 episodes of Weeds season 4, I ate pie and fried potatoes and chinese food and candy. I listened to good music loudly. I ran around the house a little.
I am tempted to do weird things since my roommates aren't home... but I spose the cats don't want to see me make a fool of myself either.

A man sang to me while I was on the phone at a store.
We are having a secret family meeting tomorrow, the secret being why we are meeting.
I may go sledding soon, I may go to Benihana soon.

I should read and drink less coffee and coke.

I should write something worthwhile and draw more or even paint.

I should play some computer games while I have the time.

I should see some friends and set up some one on ones.


We shall see
We shall see

A Corner (John Frusciante)

"I mean it
I wouldn't go ouside and walk around
They may fear for your life
But I've reached this conclusion

everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all

great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me

and there's a weeping fire
that's high as a moutain
and we skip all the way up
to the top

great is my confusion
It never lets me down
everyone's in a corner
they'll never turn around"


John Frusciante is no longer with the Chili Peppers which makes me sad, but I also know that he will keep making music I love... so oh well.

I like this song, because like much of his lyrics I feel like he gets at some truth that we all seem to forget about.
Specifically the lines:
"everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me"

It seems true enough that we send ourselves to the corner in punishment but never really think about why, and when we get there we can't see or understand anything because we don't let ourselves turn around and see what is going on.

Right....

This may go down as the worst blogging year in a few.
I guess with the comp problems and general business I haven't really been writing.

I taught a class at school where the kids had to create blogs and talk about rebels and revolutionaries. The idea was that they would find someone they thought acted as either a rebel or revolutionary in their field.
The list of topics ended up including:
Marilyn Manson
Sid Vicious
Lady Gaga
Lil Wayne
Wisin y Yandel

Timothy Leary
Jacque Fresco
Al Capone
Che Guevara

Irish Republican Army
The Warsaw Ghetto Uprising

Jesus

I would put up links, but most of them weren't all that great and all of them included a lot of copyrighted material.

I decided to try to do a geography class next trimester along with World History 3 and US history 2.


I have been awake for approximately 3 hours but it seems like forever.
I haven't done anything yet.
I was in bed thinking about how we are all hypocrites and we will never not be. Someone had recently told me that I needed to stop worrying about the small things I would never be able to stop and instead dedicate myself to something larger. Its a strange paradox, can I do better by ignoring the bad things I do and instead putting more energy into the good things I can do?

A Lakota medicine man came into our school. He spoke of crystals and technology that could save the planet, he spoke of spirits in trees and ancestors who look out for us. Its funny how one can switch modes to hear about tree spirits and envision them as true beings, accept them as reality when in the company of someone who believes these things (if they are native). But if a friend said that they believed in leprechauns I would probably laugh at them.

The reality is both.
We are both trying to get better and trying to keep us from getting better. All hypocrites.
All saints and sinners. So when we move away from old habits that we worried would destroy us, we moved into new habits that kept us from living (and destroyed us)... the balance is in acceptance. This time next year I wont remember saying or thinking any of this. I may have already said it a thousand times.

Sometimes I am amazed by my own poetry. Sometimes I think its all crap.
Sometimes I am amazed by my art, sometimes I refuse to draw.
Sometimes I want to sing and talk, other times I wonder what I have to say at all.
And this is to be human.

I cant get to sleep.
Its funny how intuition and sensitivity play such a big role in human relations. The slightest indiscretion throws us from our high horse, wakes us from our day dreams.

Now I am replaying every fight I ever had with anyone. The overwhelming rush of emotions, often displayed in anger. I have gotten fairly good at not showing my frustration, not lashing out. Cant say the same for everyone I love, but nor can I fully blame when certainly I have done my fair share of trying to kill the messenger.

Its funny, I have no idea what these fights were about, but if you can place yourself in the position, the feeling returns and makes everything seem awful. Seem like fight or flight, seem like cutting and clawing from the inside, disdain and contempt from the outside. Betrayal and jealousy, resentment all built up, mistrust and vulnerability, I hate to think this is the legacy of all relationships. I don't dream these things, I barely recall them most days.
But have you seen the eruption, have you felt the anger?
One is tempted to laugh if one wasn't so hurt. One is tempted to deflect, defend and retaliate but really one should walk.
For no one deserves to be treated that way... and thus I don't blame them for not calling, even if I rather wish they would.
for we all play one role or another... all claiming each time to be the forgotten or mistreated (lover).

I'm listening to the Ex-Lovers proclaim "the beauty of the world cannot be contained",
and though I often feel the same, lately my life seems quite plain.
I click through pictures, 360 posted by friends.
Its weird to see the facial expressions, clothing and hair styles, backgrounds, and in some honesty, and in some love, and in some adventure, and in some learning, and in some broadcast, and in some vanity, and in some compassion, but in all life of some sort... and lately mine seems so mundane.
Simple yet chosen that way.
I was getting ready to type to a friend on facebook that I only had reading and sleeping as options for the evening, but then I remembered I had turned down drinking and dancing. Had turned down possible excursions that might create bed buddies, or heart connections, turned down shallow bar conversation or laughing at jokes, turned down watching the expressions on beautiful people's faces. At least a night of camera filled activity.
Something to capture to that hard drive of memory.
To remind me I am, and sometimes act.
To remind me I am more than I seem,
to remind me I have lived and prospered and dreamed.
Connected and rested in exotic locales,
experienced God and drugs and sex and music all climatic.
shared in tears, cum, blood, vomit, piss and shit.
lived in the light and the dark, walked crawled and run, fought and screamed,
killed and created through all hours of day and night.
licked and sniffed every sanctuary human made or bred.
let my eyes and mind wander and conceive of any colorful, frightful or beautiful,
impossible or probable, end and means, to any degree, even when it chained and broke me, choked or gave to me, enabled or disabled me.
have my fingers not traced each and every, whether off limits or invited, texture soft and lovely, sticky, sweaty, hard and gravelly,
have I not bitten off more than I can chew and swallowed more than I could expend
Have I not relaxed in the arms of a loved or beloved one
have I not tasted each sweet?
gagged at every sour bitter tart and tangy
winced at each spice,
with a pinch from each vice
arms against too much hedonistic intent
yet still I rant with flare
discontent
comparing my life now
to what had once been there.

its not like... that

Sorry champs, I am not really updating this shit much anymore.
I dunno... I sort of wish I would stay off this compy.
but life goes in one day and out and into the next, not much to entertain, and though I would share stories... none of it is all that appropriate (school related) or its just not all that different...

but life is fairly good. Same old complaints and celebrations.

2 dentist bills to pay and my teeth still hurt.

Well kids I havent had any internet access on the regular for over a month now. A week and a half ago I got really weird about it and finally took my computer in. They fixed some problems and charged me some money and held my computer ransom for about a week but then when I got it home... still no internet (it works faster though).
This is a frustrating situation. I think it might be our internet router because my roommates tend to have internet troubles now and then too.
But thats why I havent been posting.

So... the outcome of these special circumstances is that I have been doing other things... some good some not so hot... but I have been working out occasionally, painting slightly more often, listening to some great toons, reading a lot more, playing some computer games and watching some movies and tv. Last night I spent about 5 hours watching Top Chef a reality challenge game about cooking... so dramatic I didn't want to stop.

I have also been trying to set up a cult. Rather a spiritual group of some sort. I am not always sure why or what we are doing, but I like the idea.


As a person who believes that things sometimes happen for a reason, I am wondering if my involvement with this group and my internet not working at the same time have some relation... is the universe trying to tell me something?

I have been noticing some changes in my mood and head. Sometimes its because the weather is getting to me, sometimes because work sucks lately, sometimes because maybe I am not getting the comfort I need.
At times this has meant great fantasies about dating and what not, at other times I contemplate leaving the country or becoming a monk and devoting myself to less worldly things.

The other day I woke up with that familiar feeling about never being able to judge others... Its an odd thing because of course its really easy to judge, to have an opinion, to say "those fuckers who are keeping us from universal healthcare need a good smiting" but the reality is, I just don't see the big deal sometimes... A step back from the immediate and I lose all touch with the reality in front of me... Suffering is bad up close, but from far away it looks like one more thing that we just have to go through to grow, is the person who causes suffering doing anything worse than the person who helps in rebuilding? Aren't they both necessary?

Its sort of the Judas dilemna. Everyone thinks of Judas (the disciple of Jesus) as being a bad guy, a traitor, a greedy dick basically... because Judas was the one who set up the arrest of Jesus.... but wasn't it Jesus' or God's plan to have Jesus put to death?
Thus wasn't it necessary for Judas to do what he did? and the reality within the scriptures is that both men died through the act, both suffered in the name of trying to improve things... so is one better or worse?

Tuesday's workout has left me really fucking sore today... ever since I woke up, no all night long I could feel my muscles and tendons tightening... and I am unsure if I am supposed to try to relax them, stretch them or what... but I feel like a dinosaur because my arms wont extend.

I was supposed to go to the EDMinnesota conferences today to get some training... but no.
this means I will have to take a class or something in the next few years to get enough hours... and maybe in a year or two I will be ready for that... but for now 4 DAY WEEKEND!

I need to vent.

I am sorry if this bothers anyone or makes them uncomfortable.

I started having feelings for a friend of mine, or rather I had them, they started going away, and then they came back (somewhat). It really bothers me how I can be so interested in someone, or have such dynamic mood swings depending on how I am feeling about them (or they me). Normally this would mean that I should jump into a relationship or something right? I mean, I must have feelings for them if they affect me that much... but those feelings aren't really all that permanent and even more... I am so scared of it not working out that its hard to even consider it... I mean if I feel this bad when I am worried about our friendship not working, than how would I deal if we dated and it didn't work.

So then she says she likes me... and I am not sure how to take that... because it could mean she wants to date, or it could mean she wants to stay friends, or it could mean she wants nothing to do with me... because perhaps it isn't worth the trouble.

So the one thing I am learning again... is that relationships are not easy.
In all honesty I don't have plans to make this any more than a friendship because I am too scared to do anything else but when I told her these fears she said we should talk about it later.

Now I feel like an idiot.
At the same time, I see so much potential in the idea that relationships grow out of people acting like an idiot (being vulnerable) and the other person not only NOT rejecting them, but supporting or forgiving them.

I just needed to vent.
I feel like a 4 year old... and I am entirely sure that those dreams I have been having are 100% about this situation and I knew that when they happened but I didn't want to say it because that would give it even more gravity.

I don't like feeling out of control and being weightless and gravitating towards these bipolar feelings certainly doesnt feel like being in control.

I spent the evening chasing some girl around in my dreams. In a hasty maneuver I jumped into the water and she followed. We swam to each other, embraced and turned to watch the ship she loved turn so slowly, no one could deny it, watched it crash into the walls of the tunnel. Her beloved hand me down, the wooden hull splintering against the stone brick walls, dull red paint, light at the end of the tunnel reflected off the water and the darkness...
When we boarded the wreck that was her home again, I saw that it was my friends who had led it astray. Who had made the situation once bright splendid into a sinking despair.
They were drunk and could only say sorry. It wasn't enough and the woman transformed again as she had twice already as I held her. Her friend followed crying her into the other room and I was left, I could only yell at my friends, to shame them.

I woke up then.
These dreams have been intense lately. As if something is happening. As if it affects those around me and they it.
Someone always seems to fall in love and someone always seems to get hurt and I always feel like I am responsible.

Right before I woke up I had a dream about Alexis.
We were sitting side by side looking at a photo album filled with all her favorite pictures and events. So many looked unfamiliar, many were new and I had to concentrate to keep up with the explanations. At one point she said her friends helped her trim down the amount of pictures in the book, she said that was why there were so few that I had been a part of. When they were looking at them they decided that the fact that I took 10 times more pictures than a normal person meant that I would have an unfair advantage so they limited it to just a few. That didn't bother me, I was too busy enjoying her presence.
Then my alarm went off. I was disappointed and spent the next 15 minutes in bed, in the shower I decided I need to try harder to move on with my life... (like that thought doesn't occur to me everyday).

SO FUCKING FUNNY

This is beyond ridiculous
This is why you're fat (pictures and recipes of foods that go beyond)

Shit son, its been a while... didn't notice sorry.

Well geez... I guess I am back in work mode and not thinking about your kind souls all that much... I did pray today for everyone... but thats beside the point.

What have I been doing that I haven't updated in a week?

I guess uh talking to people or something.

I just got really tired maybe I will wanna update tomorrow.

heres a website I have been going to a lot lately

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

that should keep you heathens entertained.

Some Thoughts

Today was a crabby day... that being said it fits rather perfectly with some of the thoughts I had.

Me and Jessica went to see a movie that showed a lot of the worst of humanity. We left a little depressed about humans... I maintained that this is why the movie was good, still it doesn't help the mood right?
1)
I said this to her in the car, but the human mind/soul is a really interesting thing, we are capable of tremendous good and bad... and this seems to be the theme of my mind this summer. I am constantly perplexed by the idea that the same mind is capable of torture and social work, of saving lives and destroying them, and perhaps that in both cases the people may or may not feel that their actions were "good." I mean, I know social workers and teachers and doctors and counselors who at the end of the day aren't proud of the work they did, aren't sure that what they did was good... and I know that there are murderers and rapists and all sorts who think of themselves and their actions of that of a good person. So what does that mean?
Is it all relative?
Is a child molester all dependent on the societal circumstances that they live in? After all in some cultures and time periods it was considered normal and healthy.
Is someone who lets the water run an extra minute in the shower equally as guilty as someone who deprives another of water?

2) I was reading a draft of some chapters of my mom's book. Its a self help book based off her new counseling technique and centers around the idea of healing oneself so that one can act with integrity. Are there times when it is ok, or better, or human nature to want to act without integrity? Is a child who tortures an animal acting with integrity, what about one who is simply learning through dissection? Is a soldier who is following orders in a "just war" acting with integrity, what about an "unjust war"? Is a teacher who yells at a student for acting out, acting with integrity even if the child is justified in their frustration?
Are there times when acting without integrity is ok? Like lying to yourself or another to have a one night stand because you are horny if both people are doing it?
Is it ok to say "well its not hurting anyone" while doing something risky but exciting when perhaps, you are putting yourself(or your relationships) in a precarius situation?

*****update later***** Becky sometimes gets mad at me for thinking about everything sexually... but thats where my mind is sometimes... So for instance: At school we often talk about the issues surrounding the sex industry and sex and gender roles. At times I find myself teaching things I don't actually believe... or that I know are not always true. So for instance I told Illy this once... I understand that it is not a "cool" thing to yell out your car window at a woman walking the street... its immature possibly crude and very likely disrespectful not nessessarily because you are saying something rude, but perhaps just because yelling "hey beautiful" to someone doesn't give them any chance to respond, interact or react for that matter... yet I am sure there are some women who have not had that happen to them or havent had it happen to them in a while and that type of normally unwanted attention may actually remind them that they too are beautiful. Is one person's unwanted attention anothers wanted attention, either way it isn't nessesarily a good thing to act that way... another example I read from a book is this idea of objectifying people... when this happens people feel less a full human person... and more like an object... but are there not people who want that kind of attention?
When you are with a loved one do you not want them to see your sexiness and isn't it often dependent on mood rather than the way they act specifically? All the time I read casual encounters stuff on craigslist and see men women and all others posting about causal hook ups in which they want nothing more than sex... when they are in this mode they aren't asking "What do you do for a living?" or "What makes you feel passionate?" they are asking what gets you off? In what ways can you make me feel sexy? those arent statements that inquire about the well rounded human being that person is... not the person who acts with integrity... just the fuck fiend (in all of us).


3)
Are there times when its ok to have negative feelings and act upon them?
For instance I was crabby today, and if I had been focused on having a positive time, healing myself, acting with integrity... I might not have been crabby, I might not have done some of the actions I did based on being crabby... but am I never entitled to my crabbiness, my depression, my anxiety, my fear, my guilt, shame, grief, rage or anger? Must I always act assertively and with integrity, or is it ok to act shy and passive aggressive... or pissed off and jealous.
Am I responsible for the actions I commit when under these negative feelings? Sure, but do I hold others to that standard, sometimes.





4)
When someone puts you or your situation at risk, do you have the right to hold it against them?
This could range from Person A is affecting my relationship with Person B, or it could be Person C is going to fuck up my job, or Person D is threatening my country, or Person E is acting in a way that threatens my sensibilities of what is right.
Is it ok to hold it against them when they truly believe they are doing the right thing?




Those are some thoughts

I think I forget about this

With Pete back in town, there are a lot more group activities. More gatherings... this is to be expected and on the first or second night home I stayed up with Pete discussing this effect he has on people. I mentioned it in the positive, and though I still maintain that it is a wonderful trait, I forgot one part of the group dynamic is the inevitable moment in which you realize that perhaps you aren't needed there. Its not that you aren't wanted, loved, cared for... its just that people can focus their attention on the others at any moment... and for someone like me who primarily hangs with one or two people at a time (getting their full attention)... this is a really uncomfortable feeling.

I assume everyone feels that way. I assume I made others feel that way tonight. Now its my turn, and I retreat to my room (like a pouting child or angsty teen). When I think about it, it is this feeling that makes me avoid groups NOT what I would normally say which is that it is hard to get to know people or have real conversations... that may be true too sometimes but primarily it is the fact that sometimes those conversations don't directly involve me... and my ego feels left out. Right now several of my friends are having fun in various locations of my house... but they are fully happy without my presence.

So I write here... a form of insecurity and jealousy arisen, why would anyone want to feel that arounf their friends?
Rather feel left out without being there in the first place and having it so obvious.

The invasion of Ukraine 1945 (in a format you probably havent seen before)

As polite as I may be, no one wants to hear me walk around singing "Alice in my fantasies. "

I will not provide context for any of the following photos except to say two brides are pictured in interesting poses.











Well... I had a good weekend so far.

Uh lets just say we seriously considered letting the tornado sober cab us to the hotel.

I got nothing to say really, spent most of the night with Nate and Kate and flirted with Julia as always. Took some pictures.

The evening before I got caught up in the middle of the night thinking about friends...

Its weird to feel sorrow and joy at the same time... pleasure isn't supposed to break your heart, but I been brought to tears with love a time or two.

Gonna take more pictures tonight and not take tequila shots.
Also dead nazis have to be mixed well or they taste like awful.

Cyanide and Happiness

And now for a lower bar...






Have you heard the Ex-Lovers?

Friendship is such a weird thing. After years of having friends you'd think you'd be used to it but no. A struggle and a joy.
Tonight I was surrounded by some friends, getting to know new ones, regaling stories of old ones, missing ones and lost ones. I spent part of the night wondering about some. Worried about some. Feeling guilty about some. I spent the entire evening with my best guy friend, who for the most part has been absent for 7 years of my life, yet I love him still. I spent time wondering if some of these friends would remain close, and why I only see some every 6 months, yet if I were to think about people who I enjoyed (genuinely) they would be on that list. I spent time considering whether I would see certain loved ones again, or whether it was too informal (or stepping on toes) to sign "I love you -mike" instead of just "love -mike" in the book of one whom I do love. I discussed the future of friendships and why it wasn't as easy with someone who just returned and how though I wish he would make it easy again... it might not be possible without a commitment, or simply because I was so unable (afraid) or so busy(exhausted). Four friends texted or called me tonight while I was unable to hear my phone. A friend of loved friend, drunkenly told me that when she was writing her speech, she just tried to channel what I would say... and though I never met this woman, I felt touched, and then I felt like a bad friend because I could remember very little about this friend and former roommate of my friend. A friend told me I needed to stop feeling bad about another friend, because I need to live my own life, but I am not sure I am capable. When people were gathering at the tables, I saw the spots diminishing one by one, and noted that there were only 4 spots left and 3 extra people(7 total). I could have taken the spots but I didn't want anyone else to feel left out... so I continued to let them go. Some friends are getting married tomorrow. Part of me wants to go, part of me feels obligated, part of me doesn't want to go. I have no excuse and so I will probably go... but I will never be the life of the party, just the one who makes sure everyone has a seat.
I know its odd, but I miss her already.

Si for the Tarantulees

I was listening to some Mars Volta and now I am listening to spanish holiday music for the Semana Santa Festival. Its very epic and spanish. I spent a night wandering along the river in Sevilla wondering what that music was and how I could keep it in my heart, but now I just settle for youtube. Sometimes I feel like there is this old music playing in my soul, like as a baby I hummed this or something. I know I used to hum classical music to myself, but the richness of this stuff is incredible and feels like home and like heaven and it makes me understand the pagenantry of Catholicism in a way I never could before. None of this is what I wanted to talk about tonight... but what did I have to say really? A list of goals maybe, or a list of hopes, or a list of things that have happened lately. Pete has returned, I didn't make it to the play, I forgot to call my dad back, Rachel is moving to the cities, I spent some time with Jess V last night and it reminded me of what I am missing not having a girl friend... even though we spent half the time talking about potential partners or in her case (her partner) well actually I talked more than I should. The other day was Alexis' birthday and I missed dating her. I was telling Jess it felt like dating a rock star sometimes, everything was exciting and challenging, and yes sometimes that was annoying and overkill, but it also felt really amazing to know that someone that exciting liked me. Hard to find that again. But maybe I am just afraid of starting over. I know I have been holding myself back a lot. Something occurred to me the other day and that is, I have never had a girlfriend while becky was around. Maybe for a month but then I left. I don't know how it would be. I also feel like I have so many friends now that count on me in some way and I already don't spend enough time with them... my tendency with girlfriends is to be intense and hibernate with them... how will people react if I do that? Something also occurred to me after I spent a few hours talking with Jess because I always wonder why i am so weird around her... and this thought has been said before.. but I tend to believe people fall in love with me for what I can do for them and not for who I am... but I feel uncomfortable around people until I win them over... and then just assume if I share too much they will go away. OH well... heres some things I need to do next week: Buy new shoes, weights, art supplies and any other clothes I need, get my brakes fixed, clean my car, make a dentist appointment, do my laundry, clean my room, see friends, go to some weddings, see my fam, help someone move and possibly go camping.

some stuff

First off) I have really bad circulation or something... so if I die any time soon or in the future remember it was a good ride and that I wasn't all I was cracked up to be.

Second) I am bored but don't really want to do anything.

Third) is there anything to do?

Fourth) too many pretty girls in the world.

Fifth) I told Lacey tonight that I sometimes wished I would take more risks when I was younger, I know that in ten years I will have that same thought about this time period... but I still don't do it.

KT posted this

Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body, and can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly and can you kneel before the king and say ‘I’m clean’, ‘I’m Clean’?

But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Her white blank page & a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, affections

But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart.
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart

Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Its Sunday right?

Jessica before Benihana
Sarah and Pete at their Wedding

The three lovely ladies I primarily hung out with at the wedding.
The lovely ladies that took me to the zoo
Rachel and her friend at the Shout House on her birthday.

Saw this tonight

Obviously I loved it... maybe hit a little close to home (I don't know why the video is so big, I tried to fix it and it wouldn't budge)

The song below (Carla Bruni's "Quelqu'un M'a Dit") is on the soundtrack as is a bunch of Regina Spektor

The First Lady of France

The Genius

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Smaller notes from the other day

I think my idea of the ideal male body is changing to include some level of muscle (perhaps fat_ but balance seems to be a key ingredient in the ideal of both male and female forms.

I like the way the toothpaste gathers around my mouth when I brush my teeth giving me a sort of half clown make up smile, and though I wipe it away before anyone can see it, each morning it makes me happy.

I'm not sure sunglasses actually look good on anyone. A distraction at best, they tease, but perhaps to put a positive spin on the distasteful but functional item, they do offer a moment to indulge your imagination and envision the truth in a strangers masked face.

I love honest people, people who use their honesty to create and communicate rather than disgrace, a challenge but so as to embrace.

The woman here doesn't say anything when he sneezes but puts her cheek to his and her arm around his shoulder while staring together at the computer screen.

Notes from the other day

What is bad-evil?
to be human is to be able to rationalize anything

does "bad" = hurting someone (what if it helps and hurts them?)

is the physical sense important (breaking the heart is less evil than assaulting someone) yet emotional abuse is more traumatic than physical abuse (by report)

is power, or power imbalance a necessary factor, can people of the same power level be evil to each other?

do trust and privacy matter?
is a betrayal (in secret) of trust or privacy a bad act if they never know...
is it somehow better if they know?

does one have to gain from the act?


******
I was annoying Lacey with my philosophical questioning, analyzing and rationalizing.

last few minutes are key

Oh GEEZ

Its amazing how reluctant I am right now to doing productive or responsible things.
Its like I am nervous or afraid of screwing them up.
The idea of making calls to fix things or check up on things or make plans or whatever... I dunno its weird.
Like work is scary.
But I like work, so why am I scared?
I have been through it why be reluctant?
Weird what a vacation can do to you.

because I had two cups of coffee at 10-11 PM tonight

I am 99% sure I am going to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did when I woke up the first few times today
Nauseous

and that fuckin sucks!!!!!

review

Looking back on the last few months of this blog I have two thoughts:
A) not enough color and not enough posts
B) you couldn't not rhyme even if you tried really really hard.

Things one thinks about upon waking.

Or at least I do.

Tattoos.

Suicide for a purpose.

Let me paint the picture for you.

For some reason when I woke up I was thinking about getting a tattoo, which seems perfectly reasonable in my book and thus I started designing that tattoo in my head. The idea was simple, it would look like a hole had been ripped open in my upper arm and that vines of all sorts were coming out and spreading down my arm or other places. I couldn't quite figure out why this appealed to me until I recognized what spreading vines mean to me, which is "hope," hope that even if things go wrong, my body can be reclaimed by the earth and that good things will be done with it. This would be on my left arm, the one the peace sign and heart are on, because the point is to remember these things first.

Honestly: I feel like this tattoo has done its job, and lately I have been thinking of what to put on my right arm. On my right arm in a similar place I have been thinking about getting my "taffyman" character holding a sign that says "be the change you wish to see" which is some cheesy bullshit I know but the idea of the taffyman character is that he is able to morph into what he wants, and in a similar fashion this tattoo would say to me, Mike you actually have to work to do the things you want to do. So on my left, the values I wish to believe in, the things I hold dear and the idea is patience and love rather than acting quickly and being angry... the right being the change, making the change I wish to see in the world... acting with integrity... on my left arm the vines spreading from inside saying "if nothing else, the world will reclaim you, love and beauty and life will reclaim you." and on the right... in a similar fashion...
the hole would be made by red and blue tubes and metal wires, twisting down my arm to challenge the taffyman character...
the change you wish to see vs the reality of this world the cold technology the hard and fast paced the obstructions and rationalizations, the excuses the modernity.

So that was the plan for the tattoo.... but I also woke up with a different thought which I wrote alot about elsewhere tonight which was this: Mike you have heard a million secrets and not one has ever phased you about the person or made you think worse... you couldn't judge because you feel worse than them. (which is another blog in itself)
but here is where the two come together...
the tattoos... the negativity.

If the purpose of the tattoos is to try to make myself better... and if I am worse than most people, aren't they more deserving of my body? Couldn't they use an arm, a leg, an eye, a liver more effectively and positively than I?
So I started thinking all 7 pounds (the movie)
what would be the most effective use of my life... and I started wondering if it were possible to give up these things before the "end" of my life would that be a good use?
Would it be better to give someone a second chance, or to improve their life if it meant ending mine?
Yes I have a martyrdom complex and always have (as far as I remember)... but I started planning out who to talk to and how to make that work... and this is all before I even got out of bed to check my e mail...
Well thats what morning thoughts are like.

Illy said to me, "you really obsess over the worst things" I said, exactly... so I am prepared.

Is it weird to be attracted to a whole family?

Listening to the Ode to the Roddes Family again lately...
I love them musically and all but I can't listen to them and not imagine their beautiful faces. Three children all gorgeous all kind of different looking. When I first saw them I had no idea they were siblings until I saw the way they looked at eachother... like they knew everything about each other... like they couldn't have been more comfortable. Then it was the eyes and the smiles and the noses and the cheeks and the jaw structure and it all came together before they announced it. In my mind this is what angels look like... because they dress in old style clothes and somewhat dirty looking but with angelic looks all types of innocent and slightly devious. But also I really wish there were more bands in the area that played that kind of music.

I dont want a traditional wedding, but if I did I would like this

Why am I awake

6:09 and I have been awake for at least half an hour.
Thinking thoughts on the future, the present and sometimes the past.
I know it was the cats that woke me and my roommate running back and forth that kept me awake... but now it is quiet except in my head.
Why am I not sleeping?
I did not have extra caffeine last night.
I do not have any pressing matters.
I am not concerned for anyone's safety.
I am not accustomed to being awake at this time.
It makes me want to write but I don't really have the patience.
Oh well...

an update of general props

Well I finally started putting recorded music on my computer. This mostly consists of whatever I have accidentally recorded while fucking around on my guitar. The tracks are really inconsistent, there are very few actual chords and a lot of me trying to play percussion on my guitar while strumming a few notes randomly.
Along with this I uploaded the music program that comes with the recorder. So far I have no idea how to use it. My goal is to start making some songs (computer made) or something... but I don't know that I have the right equipment.

I slept for several hours today. Most of the morning and the afternoon.

I decided that if someone ever asked me to describe someone who really lived life I would describe laurel. I also decided that no one writes in blogs anymore. I don't know if its become less popular or if they just dont have anything to say or they are busy... but about 80% of the blogs I used to read have become inactive... more inactive than even this one.

I worry that I will not do anything with this month off.
Yet I am not ready to get down to the productive or creative things I am supposed to do yet...
So I bought some computer games to fill in the space between... so that I am not tempted to sleep like I have been doing.

some things are harder to enforce than others

When a student is bored,
because say; the video isn’t loading properly on the computer projection screen,
leaving all to behold the great projected blank scene
with an “in progress” hourglass they have no doubt witnessed
several million times in their short short lives
and thus they are being educated with more of the same, it remains
their duty to sit still and attentive. Right?

And when the room is full of sweaty 16-18 year olds,
And the temperature inside is hotter than out,
And there is a fan, but its barely swiveling about,
And it’s the last hour in the day,
and even the computer seems to be wasting away
and the directions have been given, so that mostly we are all just sitting
waiting for time to pass on that hourglass…
well they are still in class so it’s their job to pay attention.

When there isn’t a hand out, When the chalk board has run out,
of helpful hints, that they just squinted for,
but their notebooks are gathered on their laps,
and they are told to “STOP” when their pen starts its taps,
When the teacher has gone through each every point and the only thing left is to wait for the fucking hourglass to turn back to the arrow point
Its still not time to play
So if you talk too much you will be sent away… because laughing and joking and showing your boredom is an affront to us all and doesn’t help the situation.

I wonder how many words I will use to describe us,
How many battlefields created and on display,
How many body parts torn asunder,
How many emotions spilt to waste away

Yet are we not entangled still
With your word, my mood can change as well
With your smile my stomach stills
With your hug my day is brightened

They still describe us,
Us as in inseparable, though separate we’ve been
They still note our calm demeanor
And awe at each comforted gesture

And don’t the phone calls mimic their words?
Aren’t we better off in concert
Though with claws we sometimes grasp
Do we not still hold each others hearts together?

Hard to get back to sleep. Also really hungry.
My head is swirling with thoughts and conversations.
I really enjoy that sometimes, but because I don't want to actually be awake it is annoying. I wish it were like that this afternoon when I was wide awake and bored.
Nights like this prove to me that I really am a night person trapped in a day persons world.

I want some french silk pie... but no one is awake and that would take a lot of effort.

That song below is really fucking beautiful. I know its about something mythical and all, but there is something so human and touching about it too... despite the sad outcome its like aren't we all looking for that comfort (even sometimes blind to the destruction it may or may not cause)

Had some good conversations today and some good dreams too.

Song to the Siren (tim buckley)

Long afloat on shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
'Til your singing eyes and fingers
Drew me loving to your isle

And you sang sail to me, sail to me
Let me enfold you
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you

Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you hare when I was fox?
Now my foolish boat is leaning
Broken lovelorn on your rocks

For you sing, touch me not
Touch me not, come back tomorrow
Oh my heart, oh my heart
Shies from the sorrow

I am as puzzled as the newborn child
I am as troubled as the tide
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or should I lie with death, my bride?

Hear me sing, swim to me
Swim to me, let me enfold you
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you