The only problem with coming home late after being at the bar, and having a really good time... is that you get home to a really anticlimatic sleepy house... no one around to share the excitement.
So you listen to "my name is jonas" and think.... How do i make this happen more often? connect with these people and have fun? but then you were always the shy type.
I assume it was because she was semi drunk, or just needed a roommate for next year... but takayla said i could move in with her... and that was nice. Like nice to have someone you respect and like tell you to move in with them. kristin and stevi and takayla.... gorgeous funny women.
Would it be better to hang with semi aquaintences than a whole new crowd in an old place like the dorms? would they become real friends like i have here... or just housemates?

Well it was awesome to hang out with the cute little eskimo girl, and the wrc people and run into boys i genuinely find interesting... it was like all the people i dont hang out with but have always liked... all crammed in a room together.... passing around sex toys and playing kissing games... having drunken but really nice conversations... admitting you care for people, miss them, want to see them more.

A bit more wild than the normal night.

60 bucks on stuff i dont have anyone to share with, but good times.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((


On a sadder note, Ashley confirmed the death of Chris Oster.
but it was nice to have someone to share the feelings with.




did i mention i wrote a little thing on my keyboard last night.... i think it sounds baroque... (sp?)

Tami and her boy are ridiculously cute.... i hope i look that nice when i have 6 kids.... i dont think i look that nice now.... i hope with each kid i get cuter.


well i think thats it... tomorrow im having dinner with one of my old Profs... pizza hut.
should be interesting now that he knows im the one who puts comments on his evaluations like "awesome hair"

watch me unravel all soon be naked....

Jim says my ballroom days are over. I am waiting on mail.
This weekend me and aimee and pete will hopefully be getting together.
It was thrown out that we might have a 3b party soon at dinner tonight.

Im trying to figure out how to live healthier without changing my lifestyle... I am currently surrounded by very little space, m&m cookies and a basket of candy. but i dont think its the sugar, i think its the lack of exercise... i dont feel drained... in fact lately i have at times felt quite active and energetic... surprising for the time of year, the weather, my feelings of personal disapproval... but energetic all the same.
I have a number of projects i have been thinking about... and i dont feel like they wont get done, more that logistically they arent possible currently... which is fine.. patience is afterall something we have to learn.

And tonight i have homework for my 3 - 1.667 hour classes tomorrow.
An interesting party tomorrow night... by party i mean gathering to sell products of a taboo nature... bring your cash and not your embarassment..

I got a criticism on a poem back today and i think the teacher got most of the points i meant to make, but she said it was confusing... I think revision would be a good option... on like maybe 3 things right now... I have to take a poem im not so fond of into class on wednesday for critique and i dont really care (read: not happy with that poem) but maybe it will be good for me.

My dad has been mentioning a lot lately how truamatized he has been about certain events that have recently occurred... involving students and death. (public knowledge for the most part-but he might have confidentiality issues) I read his words, and feel the ringing in it, that sort of -what do you do...- feeling and its odd because its just like seeing your parents get divorced at a young age, you expect them to be whole and know what they are doing, know how to handle things... but some things arent handable.... thats probably a made up word... but why not... it fits.

and me, im caught some where in between wanting and waiting, stalking and walking a new course.

i feel vindicated... i feel worthless... and when the townies mug me hardcore at the local shops... i have 15 things to change to fit in... and then would I? would I fit with me still?

I had a dream when i was like 10 that i ended up falling in love and marrying my baby sitter (who was something like 19) the babysitter was not a real person. but the romance and what not was, at least in my heart... i woke up depressed realizing it was a dream.
Now that I think about it.... it only makes sense, I did watch Mary Poppins like once a week when I was a youngster and she is Practically perfect in every way....

Is it wrong that I think I am in love with Mary Poppins?

for your inspiration needs... I present "1 love" by Soul Position

It goes stop, look, listen to your heart

Stop look listen to the children

The answer's been with us from the start

The look in their eyes let's me know god's willin'

I'm a simple man,

I don't have all the answers

But I know it starts in the hearts of men

And I don't think it's too much to ask for

if you can't do it for you, do it for them

So you don't wanna' be a role model

but like it or not, you're still makin' music for them

You just might be the one they follow

so think about bein' a little more truthful to them

I promised that I'd never be ashamed of my rhymes

and I'd leave behind something that's useful to them

Years ago I made up my mind

and said, I'd never make life more confusing to them

What about you, you think it's to late?

There's no better time than right now for you to begin

But first you gotta' let go of the hate

put your guns downYou wanna' fight?

Then do it with pens

Hold you head up and stand tall

even when you lose in the end

What matters most is you gave your all

so you can never in you life look stupid to them

The experiance you gained should be admired

not just whether you lose or win

Cause even gold must go through fire

only to become brand new in the end

I realize I can't change the world

no matter how much I try

But hopefully I can start with you

one line at a time

one rhyme at a time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUoIfEfPWek

how bout some of you cats who live out east try some...

I have always found these simple lyrics to be a great introduction, to the song Heartbreaker by 13 After
"He says to be nice, when I pass by her, what I really think, involves lots of hurt."

because it really brings you in to the song, wondering what the fuck happened, or could make you think that way...

it continues, so that you dont think hes like exceptionally mean

"and I should thank her, she is something new, for the very first time I saw tears well up in his eyes."

which doesnt quite tell you the story, but it hints as the relationship...


anyway that song came on randomly....

Chocolate Covered Everything


Tonight I watched My super ex girlfriend, which wasnt very good, not that I expected it to be. And uma Thurman though she may be a decent actor is certainly not high on my list... sort of like nicole kidman...

anyway, after that I didnt really want to watch one of the other movies I rented, and i returned to my room, realizing that none of my roommates were around, and I didnt really have anyone to call....

So I checked out the usual things, blogs, facebook, e mail, youtube... and soon ran out of stuff there... And then, -well really what else could I do... I started cleaning my room, and doing homework... now certainly I tried to find other things... I tried to fix that picture (still not working), I tried to work on my open mic video from last night.. (john hanson requested I not use he and eagan's performance even though it was the funniest)....
Calander, I made a list of important deadlines and events...
I listened to music, I looked around...
It was something like 11 and I was bored out of my mind... so when Mel came home we decided to make her buckeye peanut butter chocolate concoctions... which leaves me with nothing to do tomorrow...but two visits to Coborns tonight, and a fridge full of goodies... there is even a plate of m&m cookies (chocolate covered) peanuts (chocolate covered) fortune cookies (chocolate covered) and granola bars (chocolate covered) we already had all the choco covered pretzels, so we were suggesting everything... because we had way too much choco... but in the end we could not find enough... and then we all went to our rooms feeling mellow.... sugar low....


2 am: idlewild?

attempt two

this picture just isnt working... im trying to draw a pregnant woman, cant get any of it right....

Well now im sort of pissed because blogger just made me switch to a new and different blogger....
This in itself doesnt bother me too much, but since they made me, I assume others will be made to as well and that might mean I am outed from blogs I read... or not

what I was gonna say is....

You can lie in bed
You can lay in bed
You can die in bed
You can pray in bed
You can live in bed
You can laugh in bed
You can give your heart
Or break your heart in half in bed


which brings me to what I was thinking about last night...
I have a bed time companion... he is furry, and was a gift. but he doesnt quite fill in the gap and warmth of a real person. And though I am in no hurry and sadly dont even think it would be possible for me to date right now... I miss physical contact greatly...
I miss softness, and warmth and the comfort of knowing someone is there.
Im not sure I could have these things with a friend, but my prospects for a relationship seem a long way off.
Lately in fact I have often been wondering if I will be single for life... how much simpler, and yet it is not something I want. Part of what leads me there is the seeming unattraction to everyone... part of it is that I dont see openings in my life anytime soon... and part of it is that although I have met some beautiful and amazing people in my life... i feel like I got really lucky with those I have dated... and there is a pretty strong part of me that worries I wont be loved or accepted in that way again.
Anyway... thats what I was thinking about last night...

and if anyone is out there saying "I offered" you know I wouldn't cheapen what we have for temporary comfort... but thanks for the offer... and please someone give me a fuckin hug once in a while...

I grew up a touchy feely person... lost it, regained it, lost it, regained it... crave it.

So that annonymous comment made me realize I have no idea who reads this, like none whatsoever.... I assume 4-5 people tops...

lets see...

illy occasionally..
laurel sometimes
jenni sometimes at least from that one comment(which i didnt respond to cuz im an asshole and didnt know what to say)
maybe ryan, for some reason i doubt that though...
I dont know... aaron I?
Nova sometimes when she isnt in Israel...
krystin when she was feeling better.


i dont think my family does... james maybe once a year.
wasnt aware if my roommates do, I think they know all my bullshit anyway...


So if you are one of these people or someone else you should leave me comments, or say hi... or drop a note on facebook or e mail if you think that is easier... just like every once in awhile... 1 every two months or something...
Im just curious... I dont think it will make me write differently...

If you havent noticed I kind of use this more as a journal... a journal in which i preach a lot.
its useful for venting...

and now that I think about it, I probably wouldnt read this if I werent me, I mean unless I was like attached to me in some way... but it doesnt have a lot going for it... rarely original, usually rants and raving, lots of emo bullshit... how many times can you hear me complain about the same damn thing before it gets old? the blogs I read are creative and original... they tend to use great masterful works of prose and poetry, well thought out and beautiful... and when they write about their lives without the extra... you know its special, you know they mean it and couldnt take the time to make it seem more fancy than it was... its human and real.


my vocabulary is somewhere around that of an 8th grader I think, I discovered that in my poetry class today... fancy words and I say things like "awesome" "real nice.." "great"
but that Mary girl really does have some awesome stuff...

I spose i got my call for "keepin it real"

i guess thats one of the things im thinking with my poetry class lately... its like, so what if my stuff sucks... a shitty mixture of trying to be pretentious poetic and writing stupid songs or spoken word flows... but so what if they end up poorly managed... cuz well the main reason I write them is to get shit off my mind.... and that explains why im not eager to revise or edit... cuz the moment was captured for me anyway... and yeah or course if it helps anyone else- im glad, but uh yeah...

dylan plays me out... the chimes of freedom flashing...

As far as I know that third prong has not struck.

I sent a facebook message to the guy that little poem was about, because sadly I have no other way of knowing.... and I hope he responds so I can tell him how inspirational he was to us. Cuz of course we were never confident enough to say things like that when we were children.
(that second part was a pop song, I hope I didn’t get anyone confused…sorry)

On a lighter note.
Reconciliation on a massive level in my family… the news of which also brought tears to my eyes… (maybe I’m just a wreck today)
My Grampa and my uncle haven’t talked to each other in years… a fight or dispute that brought in cousins and sibling fighting… I got to watch as my Grampa acted like a baby because he wasn’t invited with a personal note to my cousin’s weddings a year or two ago. but another cousin got married… and he went, and my uncle (a man of few words sometimes) spent the whole evening by him apparently and is now going out to lunch and what not with him… just nice to have a family back together… (there is still fighting of course…. Fuckin weirdos..) I understood from both of their sides, I just couldn’t understand how that would lead to blows… or worse sometimes no blows at all no talking for like 15 years… what is that?
Pride is fucked up. Anyway… that was nice to hear.


And also that pete wasn’t dead…and I will see him soon. And hopefully another chance to see Illy, before she leaves… ???

On another front, the first prong,
How do you say the things you need to say in person, when you can’t be near the person? I was gonna call, a feeble attempt to soothe -and chickened out. I don’t even know when I’m able to call. But its important. (sorry I’m being vague on purpose, because I don’t think people want me to broadcast their personal matters… )

Sudden tears at the news of death,
You were tightly held notebooks scribbles and scribbles, masterpieces child novelist.
You were our wonder, our hero unspoken, laughed at, held in awe and uncomfortable.
Our tormented genius, our Beethoven our Vincent,
You were his partner -for only genius could comfort genius and the rest of us...
we backed off to allow the demons to play their tunes for you, amazed
and assuming they would feed your excitement,
perhaps we were mistaken,
thinking your strength and expression would save you
I’m sorry if you needed to hear our shallow pop music too.


And maybe its too late but

"Forget about the reasons and The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that our emotions can be swept away, kept at bay
Forget about being guilty, we are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away
You seek up an emotion
And your cup is overflowing
You seek up an emotion,
Sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
For him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you,
the devil's not Going--ha, ha "



__________________________________________________________________

Dear God dont let the three prongs happen today, or in the way dreamt.

love -when the same things are said, and heard differently.

So beautiful.

I know I said i would stop talking about such things a long time ago... but it is my blog and i do cry when i want to...

I was tempted to go to bed last night really frustrated, the nerve of that person... its nothing new, something rather old now, and a french phrase ripped out of my modern europe book brings it back, and fancy pants or not, I wonder if I would even want to be friends again. Not because things have changed so much, or feelings so different, but that these same thoughts and feelings once had someone else to bounce them off. and that person chose not to be there... why would i want that back?
and she must feel the same, but the nerve to be angry at me, having done nothing wrong, not the betrayer at all for that would require some transgression on my part, and I have committed none. and has she? she seems to say so, and left me to be at fault? I think not...
I think not.

But its my anger isnt it? So I remedy in word and meditation on connection. On the mutual transgression and mutual innocence, on the human condition, on the past and present. Still I find it hard to stay so focused, simple phrases send me soaring. simple memories leave me melting. Simple lack of response sears me, leaves me disappointed, leaves me resentful...
but we are all one, and I am equally resentful for betraying myself to such walls of distinction, equally guilty with such walls of judgement.
Must commit to the positive. Must remember the good in us.

its the mustache that does it.

many of my good friends at morris havent had a relationship in the entire (almost) 4 years they have been here, and though Im glad they are taking the time to find the right person, or wait until they have figured out their own priorities... I have been really wanting to see what kind of person they pick and what not... so realizing that many of them will be gone at the end of the semester, and no hopefulls... I am somewhat disappointed.


also like 6 people havent updated their blogs in a while... what am i supposed to do if i cant live vicariously through other people???

Its been really nice talking to mel lately... she is very recpetive to my babbling... I dont think i have been keeping up my end of the bargain...

Tomorrow i have an interview for the ed program... a nice shirt and pants...
then a meeting with Roland... (he already gave me an A!!)

then islamic art and Poetry... which i really need to do the homework for...

I have something like 135 pages of reading for tuesday so I should probably get on that too... it being 2:40 AM monday morning....



____________________________________________________________
the following has been censored... because people are watching...
sorry

Melissa really helped me by listening to me vent about this already... but we were watching this movie called the last kiss, which wasnt a terrible movie or anything but i was angry at the storyline and the main character so much throughout the whole movie.... probably because I saw myself in him and probably because i have such a hard time with the concequences of things people do selfishly...

Now i must say, according to both the women I loved, I cheated on them (at least their feelings)...

bu the movie was about this guy who loved this woman and was having a baby and she loved him, and they were good... but he kept going and screwing it up (by cheating) because he felt so "trapped"

and I know that feeling, but I would never do that... I hate that, I HATE THAT.

and I was telling Melissa that I think its because of my dad, and I think its incredible how anyone who's parents cheated could go and cheat themselves... because to me it brings up such incredible feelings of pain and such incredible concequences to those you love... I cant get over that...

The father in the movie said something about how it doesnt matter how much you love a person, your love is for you, its what you do with that love, its the actions that you do that affect those you love that count for them... and its true.

I loved becky, I loved alexis, but to them I was cheating and I couldnt understand it. In either case or I wasnt able to change for either of them... but I would never have kissed or had sex with another woman, I barely looked at women... I was so happy with them...
and still my actions... weren't trustworthy to them

Anyway, its such a strong feeling that even now part of the reason I wouldnt even think about dating anyone is because I know it would hurt Lex, and she isnt even talking to me (plus as far as I know -or at least as far as I will ever find out, she might as well already be with someone else)

but another point in the movie was that when you care about someone you dont stop trying... and i think thats a strange point, because that can not only be unhealthy in the short run, but it can also be a really bad long term strategy... I think its that if you are being true to yourself (first) and are capable of forgiveness, of patience... then try until you cant...
And thats where I tend to be with all my "failed" relationships.... I didnt give up on any of them permanantly, I still try, I just am (A) making sure im being true to myself and (B) doing what I can without placing my interests ahead of theirs... or doing what I can when I am capable of doing it.
I guess it should be said that being true to yourself doesnt mean acting on your impulses, but acting on what you know to be good... to be responsible... to keep to your true self rather than your whims....

but it makes me really wonder when it is that we are all suddenly ok.... because I see my housemates, my friends, my loves, I see them and knowing myself... I dont feel like any of us are there... and thats a bit discouraging. do you love and hope that the continued process of change will keep you on the same path? or accept (as some do) that we should not tie ourselves to one person, assuming one situation, one path...

questions...

hey revolver! dont mothers, make good fathers?!? revolver!?



anyway on a completely separate issue.... i got like a million dollars for my birthday and for rent last year (returned some cash for some reason...)
but I have already spent 430 on books for school and 260+ for my car and next week i have to go get my eyes checked which could mean a new pair of glasses....
and because i havent had a car i havent gotten groceries... and i suck...

mucho dinero....

One thing that is nice about having a significant other is that you have someone to think about, look forward to news from, be excited about....

One thing that is nice about not having a significant other is all the time you (should) spend on projects you need to do.

in other news, me dead car will be towed tomorrow. i only have one class on fridays, and this weekend i may actually get to do some fun things, unlike the last few months.

its kind of weird to be back, burning hot in my room... class in like 10-20 minutes.... its gonna be a long day (3- 1 hour 40 minute classes in a row)
dont have time to buy no books...
was up till 5 writing my paper which turned out to be ll pages and some change
probably have to edit it today...

so tired....
i think there is a kumm meeting tonight... have to get a new time slot now that rock is gone.
was thinking about going to see rocky... maybe...
tomorrow at least i get to sleep in... class doesnt start till like 2:15

my eating schedule is gonna be really screwy.... especially if i sleep in on mwf
killing time, shit isnt going fast enough... long ass day,

my little brother apparently went back to milwaukee a week early by accident.
man it would be nice to have a relaxing semester but im guessing that is not going to happen.

I was woken up today by my little brother walking in to my room and deciding he needed to give me a hug. -of course alarm set in, but he quickly tried to calm me by saying that it was just a brother thing... then as he was leaving he said, "Mom said something about your chest being more thick" or something odd like that. -of course in my own head I was hearing -"Mike Mom says you have gained weight and I wanted to see how pudgy you were..." if this werent bad enough, over the break and thanksgiving break, I have heard something like 10-12 comments on my weight from family members. If that werent bad enough, less than a year ago I sent them all an e mail (while in europe struggling to deal with 2 friends in serious trouble because of eating disorders) the e mail in a semi detailed form, discussed how since I was a small child I have been dealing with feelings of inadequacy, feeling self conscious about my weight, the way my body looked, feeling like I wasn't man enough -nor woman enough. wasnt as slender as my brother, wasnt as thin as the image of myself in my head demanded. noted how it was a factor in my disgust of food, how i used my normal pickiness to reject meals i could have and sometimes wanted to eat. How I would basically starve myself for 12-18 hours and then binge. How this went on from the time I was 10 to when i went to europe the first time. how even then and even now I worry about it, struggle against it. my mom and dad have each commented about my waist size when buying me pants. When i told my mom and grant i weighed between 165-175 (a pretty normal weight, a pretty hard weight for me to be ok with) he said, na mike you weigh more than that, -and i know he was just trying to make my mom feel better because they have both been dieting and she just lost a lot of weight, but I wanted to show them right then how I wear two pairs of pants and two shirts and thats why my limbs look big, not because im fat. and im cold all the time, and my joints hurt, and they all fall asleep when i sleep or sit in any position too long. my dad keeps asking me to go walking and hiking with him, and i try to see it as his way to bond or something, but i feel like its just his way to say "you need to exercise more mike" everyone is constantly saying "you've really filled out." "you look healthy" "you look bigger than you used to be" and I know what they mean, and that they mean it positively, but somewhere in me i am hearing "you're fat" and I been fighting feeling it, i been trying not to let it get to me, but it was a little too much today - I eat a meal (two) a day people what the fuck do you want? and now im crying when i should be doing my homework. and i realize sometimes that i really dont think skinny people are attractive anymore... and the ones who are, are only because i love their personalities.... but i still want to be skinny.... and im so sick of these thoughts.

this might end up sounding horribly conceited... but i was thinking about how proud i am of myself at the times when i remain patient and calm when everything emotionally wants to explode... i spose thats not exactly true -my emotions are rarely so volatile, but rather sometimes i am able to bite my lip when and listen when i want to yell, or rationalize my emotions/fears/frustrations when im ready to react. I get proud of myself because from my point of view this staying calm and rational allows me to react in the right way, to reaffirm my values, to be ok with myself. It keeps me from regretting for months and years a word that was said, a momentary eruption.
I become proud when i do the right thing even when its not in my best interest, knowing that what i value is not my enflamed emotions, but my relationships...

but whats funny, and i was talking to someone recently about this.

It makes other people think I dont care. When they expect action, emotion I react calm and collect myself. they accuse me of having no passion, no love no fire.
and for me it keeps the flames cool enough so i dont accidently burn them or myself.

but some want burn marks -to know I'm theirs.

Heh, a few hours of driving for a few hours of becky time. I left wondering if i had just sabotaged or helped her relationship, but she seemed calm and happy so im guessing things are going well tonight.

I drove home thinking for approximately an hour or so, that if i died on the road, I would have been perfectly happy. Not just because I got to see becky, but somehow the things we had to say (though not a lot) were just what eachother needed to hear... so I left feeling fairly confident that God and the universe must have been looking out for us, making the moment just right, and if for just that reason -shouldnt one be happy? and then were i to die, I could know i had fulfilled my purpose (at least for the day) and died contently.

also some of the regina spektor songs took any interesting turn, when i was talking to becky,
and also
taco bell and olive garden makes for a weird day of meals...
but its better to eat than not. and its better to sleep than not... and i have caught up on both a little bit.

i'd say more but im sort of sleepy.

i cant believe how much I love these Regina Spektor cds... its like taking the best parts of bjork, tori amos, fiona apple and some other awesome person and rolling them in to one and then adding cool accents and a vocal range that might top all of those previously mentioned..

the songs... i cant even choose, they flow together but also so many stand out

i find the singles to be well chosen but the list seems to be ridiculous here... they are all good

Samson
fidelity
us
carbon monoxide
better
on the radio
chemo limo
sailor song
apres moi
that time
dusseldorf
poor little rich boy
uh-merica
music box

two cds... and i want more.

_____________________________________________

did i mention i have a test coming up? im a third of the way through my cities, and 2/3 (maybe) of the way through my paper and i have less than a week....
more time working less time doing this...
yeah right.


did i mention that the guy responsible for the concert i put online told me I can find it online, not knowing that i put it on there. thats just funny.

I know that "pretty fly for a white guy" was intended to make fun of popular culture, but isnt it strange a much the offspring changed in to a band of complete tools compared to their earlier work?

Smash?
"im not a trendy asshole, do what i want, do what i feel like
im not a trendy asshole, dont give a fuck if its good enough for you. "

and later their stuff said the same thing... but it had become so mainstream to say it...
and they capitalized.

of course my housemate ben, would point out that even the early 90s punk and grunge was a copy of older punk and grunge, and thus it was already selling out.... but thats besides the point.

I got like 6 cds and a movie in the mail today... via amazon.

regina spektor is making me smile and laugh and cry, and dance and clap and feel less motivated to do the paper im 2 sentences in to. (the first two sentences are the hardest right?)

heres an excerpt (meaning the first few sentences)
The Essays in “Here, There and Everywhere”: The Foreign Politics of American Popular Culture were written and collected to add to an international discussion on what the impact of globalization, or more specifically Americanization meant to the world. According to the editors Reinhold Wagnleitner and Elain Tyler May, the essays “reflect the strong impressions and emotions that can be evoked by the presence of American popular culture abroad” and discuss “the impact of American cultural products on particular localities.” (3) This paper will be a response to many of the authors reflections...



the bible didnt mention us, not even once

I'm sort of feeling awkward about being proud of the videos i made, thus i advertised but now im not getting any response so i feel ashamed.

oh well push on through without checking outthe visuals

im hoping to get at least well in to this paper tonight... i figure i woke up late so it should be ok, but i cant take all these breaks...just coke and reading and writing, and changing the cd.

10 malibu houses burned down, i thought you would want to know since all the cable news channels thought it was so special.

I heard Israel is thinking of bombing Iran (tactical nukes). Some people ask why they wouldnt -faced with the threat. Iran knows Israel has nukes, israel knows iran will soon have nukes... the hot war? since two of my girls will be over there i hope neither country does anything stupid.

She hasnt written anything yet but here's nova
robyns got two sites
and if you know nikki from morris she is just back from thailand... (still teaching in japan) but she hasnt updated that in months...

As for these other cats...
lex is in texas and doesnt talk to me
ryan and brenden B are in new york
sara from morris is in wisconsin i think
and maxine is in dc i think
krystin is down south working on things
meh other people are in roughly the same spot... i think adrianne is in boston i think...

speaking of boston or baltimore or new york or wherever they are, i wish elizabeth had called while she was in town...

maybe i will take down all these peoples websites... or not.
im clearly wasting time.

Im sure i have put up the lyrics to this song before...
SA describes it as his first out of body experiance (when not high-i think)

-but despite the weirdness of the verses I think the song as a whole says something really nice, about the form of things being less important than we give them credit for. Life is continuous despite the setbacks, the stress, the strange events, the negativity associated with the world, and even things like war and death (though sad, and worth paying attention to) can be seen in the greater patterns as a part of the cycle. part of the continuous life. One of the interesting things I think is that seeing yourself as a part of a system that is much larger doesnt necessarily take away your responsibility -in fact it makes it central to where you are, if you are the current incarnation of the worlds hopes then shouldnt you do all that you can, to not only further your own personal spritit but as many others as well? It removes a need perhaps for personal accomplishment to know that you are easily replaced, one of many, but as long as you are doing something with what you have-there is certainly no harm in being active. a solid movement of people seeking something better, through inner and outer works, thoughts, expression.

When things are outta whack
And they might collapse
And at the end of the day
You still can't relax
And physically you ache
Like a cavity feelin' the bind
On your mind and the rest
Of your body

Listen to your heartbeat
Flow and imagine
Become Jackson Pollack
Air brush Chinese dragons
On a sky blue convertion
Van or an electra
Buick of the mind
full ofFuminous matter
And slowly all the pressure Recedes
and you stop to decay
Naturally think clearly
Ultimately though
your grace Will give way
to traffic jams
Submachine guns in hand
City red-necks who think
Like the Omega man
Feelin' the extremes
Of the times we're livin'
Stockpile spaghetti-o's And cheerios
plannin'To survive that fall-out shit

It's not ambuguous
It be continuous
It's all about us
It's for real my man [2x]
The continuous life there is no end
Movin' through life
Movin' through death

My radio emits a signal form
A loud noise the kind of which
I've never heard before
I scan the dial for more
stations But all I get
is an eerie feelin'
I'm not dreamin' this is the real dealin'
There's nothin' like this trance
I'm caught in a daze
Cuz I'm finally out of my body
The blue lights are ablaze
Yeah I'm really amazed
And feelin' so light that's right
Lift off and I'm into the sky
As if a hologram were created
To shift
my conciousness
Changed again and I'm flung
In the rift
I wanna be free
I wanna do right
I move through the portal
To be purified

It's not ambuguous
It be continuous
It's all about us
It's for real my man [3x]
The continuous life there is no end
Movin' through life
Movin' through death

I was watching the tutorial on how to play "Tamacun" by Rodrigo y Gabriela and even the slow paced "how to play" section was just amazing... I wish i could play guitar.

They do a cover of Metallica's Orion which is awesome, just awesome.
but I cant find a good video of that one....

"southern energy"
And it was with this song, that I thought I had found my first love, red skirted and goddess like. Long flowing brown hair
Her white thighs that first morning, angelic in boxer shorts, and I, though consumed a thousand times over with lust the shady feeling taking in pornographic scenes had never been so innocent as that morning and so filled with something purer. But was it love? I couldnt tell you then or now, just the beauty of the Manitoba prairie as the sun rose, the mist lifted, the seemingly frozen dew.
Later that week I found comfort and torment, I found chaos enclosed in the form of my newest friend, my dreams of love disturbed by what paxil could do, or could leave when accidently forgotten... and that shell of anxiety bundled in rage and fear. and I was meant to hold her still. And I was meant to hold me still. And I was meant to lead us through, as if I had ever known what to do.

"Rollin along on this old dusty road, passin a place a new, make sure that you have a friend, someone to hold on to, someone to share all those colors, the golden hues and midnight blues, they wash over us, on our bodies, chirping birds, whistling a warm tune."

the dusty road to no where, and the midnight lake, and the fear of the unknown, I was looking to her to for the rainbow warm purity in her dress when she danced, and she was expecting me to be some one better.

Adjust time - add love- repeat.
Adjust time - add love- repeat.

for the record....

Lex decided today that she didnt want to talk to me anymore... i think this may be it.

I understand this decision from her point of view, I don't agree, but I'm left with that same feeling I have had before, that I did what i could, so though regrettable, its out of my hands...
and this alleviates "some" guilt and frustration on my part... but the underlying problems with conclusions that do not include understanding, patience and forgiveness, always cause me to doubt, always cause guilt.

She asked me if it didnt mean anything as we parted (via phone) and I replied that I was only respecting her wishes as I had always tried to do. But there was a part of me that felt like the person i was losing (at that moment) was not the same as the person I had already lost. I dont know if thats a denial or a truth.
But whats funny is that, the way I make it all seem ok, is by remembering the connection that had formed, is.
-and my greatest disappointment in the whole thing, is that shes too frustrated to see and share that.


and so we both move on in different directions but holding very different baggage, and though i feel relatively calm about that now... history shows me that despite the calmness, I will hold it tight and I imagine it will be much like other situations where the progress (in my mind) is not measured in how well they are actually doing, but rather in the form of parting...
Which is so sad, because I want to see her happy but for all the happiness I ever hear or see, I will judge differently. This is an egotistical delusion i have always harbored and take rather seriously... causing more than one person to look at me with shock when I explain the regretful passing of time in situations that had not concluded well (despite their current situation)

- luke, foulkes, my parents, extended family, nikki, ali, and so many others who i failed, trying or not, my fault or not.

I said the letter was selfish, and it was... me clinging to hope that things would get better, when faced with what will probably be eternal questioning as the latter option.

This may seem confusing... I claim to be open, not easy.

And instead of doing the homework i desperately need to do... I sit and read and debate global warming, sending an e mail to a Hopkins Highschool teacher, full of arrogance... it will be funny if i end up at hopkins.... i can sit and discuss with this man... he seems reasonable enough.

and just for the fun heres the lyrics to what im listening to right now.
Mary/big salty tears ~bradley nowell/ziggens

Maybe one breath away, I'll find the words to say
I'll sit and light the bong, I'll hold my hit in real long
I dont know if i can, go up inside of you tonight
oh mary baby i could do it right

you've heard the line before, oh baby baby please dont think that im a whore
you come home with me, turn off the lights and lock up the doors and start getting busy
I dont know if i can go so way up inside you tonight
mary baby please dont fuss and fight

when we got to the pad, mary baby started calling me her dad
and she gave me head
we could not find the damn bed
15 years old plus 1 hotter than a microwave oven
oh mary baby daddy is coming home
~~~
my place is not a home, it dont make no difference
but i have found
that i need a place to stay
and disease was just the price im paying
~~~
a big salty tears, is what i taste
as i drive past your house, tonight
and all those brake lights, that are in front of me
make me wanna get on tonight

Im at the age where i realize
the liquor store wont bring you back
i must be getting old, im at the drive through
and im making my face more fat fat fat fat fat
a big salty tears

im at the age where i realize
nothing, actually
just do what im supposed to do
2.17 next window please please please please please
a big salty tears

Couple of new things on the art page.

hopefully more on the europe and india page in the next few weeks... (trying to finish my directed study)

Apparently no one notices the mobile phone thing on my facebook..
612 483 4921

and the Sparks guitar recital on my youtube


hehehe just seeing how many links to myself I could put in a post...
I was just helping my mom work on her soon to be made webpage, thinking about things like conveniance, flow, comfortability, marketability, repitition and clarity. Things Im not so good at.

I was reading this Upanishad last night and it was talking about how every one has a piece of the life of the universe -the everything (but it does not take away from the whole). I was thinking about how according to most religions, we are all trapped in this mindset where we are seeking the wrong things (usually the material). Well this outer us, is a shell that makes the inner us seem sort of muddy, but only to eachother's outer shell... Still because we are trapped in that mindset we confuse what we see of their shell through our shell thinking that we are seeing clearly.

Thus we blame others for entrapping and diluding their shell (making the purity of their soul less visible) because of our shell.

When what we should be doing is looking inward to increase the visibility of our own purity, our own universal life/love/goodness, breaking away our own shell and allowing it to affect those around us.

The hard part is though, (at least in hinduism) that during this whole process we are all aware that eachother is part of, is the universe is good is life is love. So we are eternally attracted to eachother, because our shell tells us that adding these parts together is better, but that is the shell talking, which will always screw up, causing us to be frustrated with eachother. when we are in love with eachother...
According to hinduism, one must look inward to realize that there is no difference between "the two" of you. So by recognizing your internal goodness, you recognize the connection between "you and the other" thus eliminating the desire/compulsion and the feelings of joy and sorrow that you feel in trying to connect. You are connected. there is no need to try.

Cross over in to christian stuff,
Christ says you will not weep for those who are not with you in heaven, because those who are with you will be closer to you than the family ties and love relationships you have on earth. You are more connected in the heavenly universe than on the material earth.
Christ says look inward to learn how to heal the problems, associated with others.
Christ says deal with your own emotions and before trying to deal with others.
Christ says forgive, dont see differences, dont care for the material, dont do things that would hurt you or others.


On a me note.
I have been struggling because when I am feeling good, connected, calm, mentally stable, I dont harbor bad feelings, I forget or accept barriers that keep people from me, I forget negative things.
When I am down though, or when I am riding high and someone brings me back to earth, I become aware of these things... but my feeling of connection is still so strong, still so at peace with them, that i become even more frustrated... because i am made aware of barriers where I dont see them. I am made to feel barriers where I had previously not felt them.

I talk about the beauty of my dreams, in which these connections are stronger than they had ever been, in my sub conscious, in my spiritual, in my mind (sometimes) in my heart (sometimes) I am expanding, in my material reality I am contracting.
and the waves, the roller coaster, the extremes, are hard to understand, hard to bring together.

It took me an hour or so this morning to figure out if I was dreaming or awake, and even when i was showering an hour and a half after waking it felt like a dream, my instincts, reflexes and motivations were not yet in line, my senses were off. I would think to do one thing and do another.

Anyway.... spirituality is fun.

Holy books are fucking crazy, i mean, you can go from like crazy out of your mind to peaceful in like two minutes.... i especially find that with eastern books... Buddhism hinduism... daoism is a little bit of a mental struggle some times... Christianity judaism and Islam have elements that are very pure, but they get so caught up in the struggled of the people writing them that its hard to find the "truth" the purity...

Check out a copy of the Upanishads. Buddhism really isnt that far from traditional hinduism...

Steve and his almost life size poster.
James and Julie being goofy.
Hols with a big smile at a bar in st paul.
Gabs and her brother noah saying prayers.
My dad and I hiking.

turn away now, cuz u dont give a damn about this

Im gonna update my India and Europe website later tonight, hopefully with some pictures that most of you could see if you checked facebook.

Also I got the easy tease album Bold Displays of Cowardice, and though i have only listened to one song and the 4 i downloaded off myspace... I recommend it. I was introduced to the Easy tease by Olde English and adam janos (the dude who used to have the fro) sings and plays piano.... i mean with a trombone, banjo, piano drums and sweet sweet band vocals what more could u want its like a party for every song. 12 tracks...

also I bought like 5 cds and a movie on amazon last night.... dont ask why... but a lot of fiona apple, regina spektor, a mighty wind soundtrack.
i forgot what movie but thats half the fun of buying shit online.

At this point im thinking no on the video camera... maybe in summer. "there I said it, I was honest, and you know what being honest makes you feel better" ~can of mixed vegitables

A rather full day...

x mas, found me with some new cds, shirts, pants, books, paper, candy a phone and what not...
an oil change and new glasses,
chins asia fresh with a girl i cant ever seem to get enough of
followed by coffee with a friend from way back and then a chat at his gran's place.
A return home with Nona on the tape player 2 new cds from Chris
and for a brief time a nice smile on my face...
I was going to do homework... but im starting to feel the early rising...

A lot of people have been telling me they think about suicide lately... I don’t, I think about things like castrating myself or horribly disfiguring myself ... because that would centralize the focus of the problems... with a narrowed focus, things would be in perspective, were I castrated, I might not have to think about sex anymore... that'd be nice, or were I totally horribly disfigured I could deal with it, by accepting that I am on my own, and stop thinking about a future with a wife and kids and what not.... (this is not to say that people who are "different" don’t have possibilities like the rest of us, but perhaps i could just use it that way) of course I don’t want any of these things to happen. I really don’t want them to happen to me or anyone I know...
And in some ways I think it’s creepier and more severe than suicide, despite the still living thing, living with permanent loss and of course this is unrealistic and these things would bring on more problems, medical concerns, self esteem etc. but I really do feel sometimes that i am just juggling things that i care about, paying attention one moment and dropping it the next, I was never a good juggler, and it'd be nice to have one path -one focus.


A few days ago, I tried to take all of my emotions and bundle them up nice and turn them in to something beautiful - but it wasn’t beautiful, because it was selfishness in the guise of selflessness. But having realized that, I find myself with no where to turn no other options, and that is a most infuriating thing. I find myself thinking things I don't normally think, feeling things I don't normally feel, and it makes sense why no one would choose to allow this kind of effect on their life.

Maybe its not right to take everything as a sign. More than likely the skin on my leg was just dry and tight, and friction caused a cut. But I found myself bleeding suddenly from my leg and wondered what had happened.
Is anyone playing with hair dolls?

I am just in no place to be writing or thinking right now.
I spent the last few days trying to convince steve and illy everything was fine, and although I do agree with that... im just overwhelmed already.

removed (song lyrics "goodbye love" from rent)

removed (song lyrics "I got life" from hair)

I know what you're all thinking.... but im not gonna...freak out!

I came to write about new years.. past and present
for tonight I spent the actual event in a car driving from minnetonka to St paul, listening to my friend nona and some of her cats jamming out on songs she wrote, but that I had first heard performed by lex and joe.
before that I watched a movie with my dad and colleen... before that i had lunch and a movie with my brothers...
all in all not a bad day, but i assume most of yall had more spectacular nights.

so lets talk about some past new years...

well I distinctly remember one other year i was in a car, we were stopped at a red light, a caravan of cars in the middle of down town searching for a party, and we watched the fireworks over minneapolis. I believe the year before I was huddled in a small hotel room with a gathering of friends, but not enough to drink the wine or the champaign...

last year was in india, a group of us and some activist peoples we had been getting lectures and tours from. I watched emily play the keyboard, I watched people drink beer, I took pictures, we were all dressed up. I was sad, but happy for everyone else so I faked it.

4 years ago I wasnt awake, alone in a hostel in avignon france, I hadnt talked to anyone in days, I had no roommates, I tried to call my friends and found them mid day preparing for what would turn in to THE PARTY I missed... the one where everyone got drunk, where every room was spewed upon where every person left thinking "man I shouldnt have had so much" where it became apparent that they dont actually need me around to drive them home or take care of them anymore.

before that were numerous years where the group of us would stress about where to go, or who would have the party, we usually ended up at petes, a small group of us, like the time that thing happened on the bathroom rug and maybe in the laundry room... or someone elses but never what we expected, and though disappointed we had our closest friends near.

some new years were spent in sioux falls, banging pots and pans around my uncle's neighborhood, late night games of monopoly, we drank soda water and lemon juice, we ate popcorn and candy. and I always felt out of place... though surrounded by my family.

I was supposed to celebrate with Illy tonight, but that fell through, still -new years was never my favorite holiday...