waterfalls and concrete hearts

Have they not taken care of you? Does the water not quench your thirst, invigorate your cells, pour from the sky to remind you of abundance? What reason do you have to doubt? To fear? Is there some torment you haven’t been prepared for? 
Your heart will break, as it should. As it must, in order to prepare for loving more fully. Ripening, seasoned, cooked to release the flavor and beauty of life. If you would have an understanding of abundance, you can’t keep a heart locked up. 
Where should this spirit flow without an open conduit? It will crash and crush your castle walls. Open and break, trust the spirit to help put you back together again. Ask. Or it will teach you to ask. 

I’ve been contemplating the value and philosophies of this trip. I’ve been acknowledging the rigidity of my heart and trying to reason it away. Small moments of recognition. Of feeling. Its hard to put into words, the effort it takes to allow myself to feel. A worthy effort, but difficult right now because it comes with such aches.

Concrete example: Two instances.
I was sitting with some of my co-workers post-graduation. We were at a bar and I was thoroughly in my head, imagining things. This is the place I have been recently, imagining possibilities and things that are not, might not, should not and will be. It was an eventful week obviously. I was officially unemployed as of that evening. I was no longer a member of this community in the official capacity, not a force to be reckoned with, not an advisor or guide, not a leader, just a was. I was trying to reassure myself and them that of course I would be in the next week. And I was. And it was reassuring to all of us. But it was difficult that night to say I am letting go. Because I wasn’t prepared for that. So I was in my head. And my coworker was crying. And I was in my head. And she wanted an arm around her shoulder or a hug or some comfort, and gladly another moved in. And I was in my head. Virtually paralyzed in doubt of what I should do. I knew what she wanted, and what I wanted, but I couldn’t act, or say… and I was in my head for the next hour when we were leaving… and I forgot to tip the server, and they called me out on it and I was shocked because the thought hadn’t even come into my head. It simply didn’t exist. I was already a ghost. I was in my head. I had no presence. And the shock was enough to reduce me to embarrassment and a little shame… but I couldn’t fully pull myself from it… just too much.

The weekend was lonely. It dawned on me that I was unemployed soon to be gone. I tried to do the things I should do. I read a lot. I wrote a lot. I prepared some. I went into work on Tuesday and Wednesday. On Tuesday my coworker and I went for a walk. And I explained some of this, letting my shell crack just a little. I told her I was overwhelmed and it was causing me to be very distant and I didn’t like it. When we walked back she said “I’ll spare you the hug” she was thinking of my boundaries, but not my best interest… I was paralyzed again. In my head the words “please don’t” repeated and repeated over and over, really for a long time after. But nothing came out. I turned and left and wanted to cry, but couldn’t because I was in my head again.

 I started sharing some of this with people throughout the week… and slowly gradually I feel the walls coming down, but it’s scary. I don’t want to be a robot. I’ve seen that side of me, but it hurts a lot to leave. I haven’t been satisfied here, because I have been dreaming, ever dreaming of something else. It has clouded my vision of what I have had here, and it has made me ungrateful and unworthy, and not very giving. It feels like I am leaving on a low point in my relationships which is not how I want to leave. But it feels safer for everyone.

On Wednesday night I hung out with a friend and the 2.5 hours seemed to pass within minutes. I was caught off guard when she said it was midnight.
Yesterday I went to see Minnehaha falls with another friend, we went out for coffee afterwards and processed a lot of this. It felt like a blessing. It felt like it was what was supposed to happen. It felt really beautiful and inspiring and made me feel grateful and blessed. The time passed quickly… maybe not the same way, but I was shocked when I realized it was 6:00 PM. Many of the topics that came up felt so right… she described these situations where she felt unable to communicate and I described the situation I had just had with my coworker and we both recognized it. While she was talking I was thinking about how that feeling is something I avoid regularly. I used to be a social person, shy but wanting to reach out, and I would get stuck in that anxiety that paralysis so I stopped seeing people who made me uncomfortable, I stopped putting myself in situations where I felt that anxiety coming on. Any situation where I would be bored, or unable to offer input, or in a place where I wasn’t sure –I just completely avoided. To people who are in my life but not necessarily extremely close to me, they recognize my ability to communicate with them and assume I am able to do that with everyone at any time. It just isn’t so.

My Dad suggested that I walk into situations with the confidence I have as a teacher. Whether you are confident in the lesson or not, you fake it till you make it and social situations can be that way as well… but I hate the idea of trying to make real connections with people while playing a role.
Furthermore I have had a lot of people call me out on being arrogant or a know it all when I approach using my teacher stance.

Anyway I find myself in this position right now where I am trying to open my heart back up to relating with people deeply… the biggest concern I am recognizing is that I fear what I have to offer won’t be enough… I just don’t know what my future holds so I worry I will let people down. I don’t take the moment for what it is, I worry about what it promises. I worry that I won’t be able to follow through on my promises to others or myself.
My friend asked me why I didn’t trust that it would all work out… I said it felt entitled to believe things would work out for me when they obviously don’t for many people… and she countered that I had prepared in all the ways I could… now it was time to follow through.