Identity

I am not sure what I want to say, which is a terrible way to start writing except, I have found that often what I mean to say comes with time.

So today I was thinking about the concept of identity.
It came up several times, in various ways without being specifically mentioned.

A friend called this morning and told me about a break up, and new job prospects, and the feelings associated with each.  I tried to see myself in the roles, and could for brief seconds of time, and then couldn't again. Like I was aware but not quite there... and part of me thought that perhaps I soon would be more in that line, and part of me thought I wasn't capable. How will you relate?

I had a conversation with my Dad while walking around the lake, he wonders if my social anxiety and the anxiety of my little brother comes from him. He retreats from social situations because he can't hear, and feels not only left out but embarrassed for himself and frustrated with others that the situation can't be made more workable... we got to a point where he was talking about how in a situation you have to make the decision of how you will react... and I said I face that quite commonly at work  and sometimes even enjoy the moments of embarrassment -then decide that I can handle it and continue teaching anyway... he asked why I don't approach parties or social gatherings from that angle and I said I didn't like the hierarchical approach, the barriers it created naturally. But the idea that it was a choice nonetheless remains.   How will you approach?

I was reading this book a student gave me. I sort of love it so far, but I am trying to take it a few chapters at a time and prolong the lessons... It is about a guy who goes and lives in a Mayan village (actually at the lake I was burned on).  It talks about his struggles, his successes and his learning process throughout, but there is this running theme throughout that he is only living into a preordained path. That the things that happen need to happen, that the places and positions he gets into are necessary for the path.  He almost dies in one of the recent chapters I read... by almost dies I mean he should have been dead, massive injuries, dehydration, sever sickness, burns... he should have died, he dreams of what death is like, and then as he puts it  he asks a lizard to sing him back to life.  The sequence he shares seems very similar to things I have imagined and I loved the imagery.  He gets put back together and goes on (I haven't read this part yet), to fulfill his path...
which leaves me with the questions of How will react?  and How will we know?

I was listening to the radio and this story was playing, the end result was that the people's stuff, their home and their memory was sort of lost... and it left me with this feeling of wonder because it seemed like our life's identity was so transitory.

I was thinking of my trip, trying to set intentions and every step feels like the right step, but it also feels like I am washing away possibilities.  How long? How much? When? Where?   I wish it were a little more spelled out.

I am caught off guard by the two aspects of myself that seem to be in contradiction on this trip so far...   will I be a teacher?  or will I be a traveler? 
Will I be in transit or looking to be part of a community?
I long for both, both seem like beautiful and good intentions.
I am hoping at some point they come into alignment so I don't wander frustrated from place to place.