The midnight thoughts

I've been trying to get to bed without my regiment of asmr YouTube clips... I have not made it easy on myself considering in the last few days I have been drinking coffee into the evening. 

Today I found out who the next program manager will be.  And I am excited and nervous about the future of the school.

I have just a few days left and a few tasks to push my way through... Graduation on Thursday.  I plan on stopping by for summer school to say hi to the kids so for most it's not a total goodbye. 

Same with staff of course.  One of my coworkers reminded me that I have been one of the only continuous men in her life these last few years.  I thought that was kind of funny.   

I've been worrying a lot about the trip, about conditions and bugs and crime and how to stay safe... Worrying about money and how to have a good time while also not squandering my resources - so that I can accomplish all of my goals not just some or a half assed effort. 

I was thinking today that it might be smart to start like an online book club so that I can have shared experiences with people back home and not feel too out of touch.  Maybe it will be a book, or a movie or a writing exercise where we each write a page and then co-create a story.  

I have felt very out of touch with people lately and it occurred to me amongst my worries that I haven't prayed, haven't thanked god for the people in my life nor asked blessings for them lately - well not in the way I used to... And that bothered me.  

I was discussing in my own head how much control I can give up to god and the universe... These worries don't help me - let then go.  The fear doesn't help me - let it go.  The loneliness and distance doesn't help me - let it go - or replace it with the feeling of connection I get from being thankful for having them in my life. 

I started thinking about some of the students I was going to miss, what it is that I would tell them.  Why I believe in them.  In the 50 projects I have in my head I think it might be nice to write a series of letters- maybe graduation letters for later.    I imagine for many of them by their graduation date the separation will feel pretty final. 

Oh well I can't control the universe.  

So illy since you are the only one I know who occasionally reads this. Any thoughts on a book club or something?