just stream vent

What do I want to say right now?

When Nikki and I broke up so long ago I made a number of mistakes. I jabbed with truth, but it stung her like wrath and unjustified revenge. She got me into this cd. Counting Crows, all my lady friends have introduced me to good music. I remember being so young and surprisingly innocent even though I felt more guilty then than I do now for my past. I've had time to make up for things, including the way I struck out at her. Each memory was a curse and a sign to me of impending doom, and my caring (to me) meant protecting her from herself. And even more, protecting all of them from her. What a curse it was to me to know that someone I had trusted would take all that support and use it to cripple another. I'd seen it in others, in friends, in acquaintances. It was around that same time that I was neglecting my duties with pete, and when I confronted I confronted without confidence, but all the same I knew it was right.
Some of them admit it later. Most of em end up rejecting me. Its sort of funny in the really not funny at all category... how self assure we are when we head into our mistakes. Some of us just assume we will make them, so we try to warn others. Some of us don't believe we even have that power, so we are taken aback when someone says something. and those are the people we can trust right?

A few years ago my mom told me about someone she knew, their son had gone out drinking, his first time, he was underage. He wasn't even that drunk, he hit a car and killed a family. He wanted badly to do whatever he could to make up for it. But he couldn't ever.

Several of my friends are drug/alcohol addicts. I tend to be supportive of them, even when they are clearly hurting themselves, even though its against my rules. I do say things sometimes... they know how I feel, so they avoid me when they want to act this way. Thats not the way I want it. I tell them I can drive them, I can stay sober if they want to be silly. But the moment they start seeing themselves and their fun as more important than the lives of others, they cross a line to me. Its the same line, only a bit more dangerous and irresponsible as the other rule... the you don't hurt others rule. I been in that situation before, where I thought, yeah I could drive, it might even be fun.
I wish I could say that I was bold and strong enough to cut myself off from people with this type of behavior. But I know we all make mistakes... still if you look at who I trust, who I'm close to, its not these people.