its a process mike, a long long process.

On my way to work today I felt as if maybe I was losing my mind and enjoying the process. Wondered if that’s why I was seeing things again, wondering why I wasn’t paranoid this time. It felt like being slightly high. It felt like being slightly lifted from one’s body. It felt like the sun was shining too bright in my eyes, and instead of the painful squint, I was just tired and delusional. It felt good though -Warm and peaceful, Hopeful even, suddenly becoming aware that things are a process.

I was very humbled today. Not put in my place, not put down, I was humbled by a student’s words. A final straw that broke down a wall… and I realized how fragile I am. Not in some self pitying way… not in some conflict with myself or the world (certainly not with her) though I knew it was there if I wanted to pick it up (for there is nothing I can’t compete with, nothing I can’t shrug off with self justifying logic… I am smart enough… or weak enough). There you have it. I recognized at first in a gasp how frail men were. Our masks so easily shattered, so very vulnerable. How long have I known this and hadn’t let it sink in (of course I have, of course I will again). But it wasn’t much of a jump to squash my defenses… how weak I am. How easily humbled. How good?

There was something in the air today. A restlessness, a discontent, a hostility, too much angst and adolescence in the air. I defended myself for no reason, and was lied to for no reason, and pulled myself up for no reason, and pulled someone else up out of joy. I recognized some needs and adapted myself to them. It needed to be cleaned so I told them to do it, and when they were gone, I continued, somewhat agitated doing a job twice, somewhat more aware how fragile we are, somewhat aware how strong I could be.

It wasn’t long from that moment, agitated and aware of our weaknesses when I was suddenly made aware again of my own. How long have I been living this way? I’d been thinking about it all week, of the people I have hurt, of the things I have said and done. Of my rather constant search for exoneration without anyone knowing of any of it. So much weight. So much fear. A teacher made a joke and my reaction so perfectly proclaimed it, on the inside I said “I wouldn’t be in this room right now and you would all hate me.” How weak I am, I submitted, let the world shake me, use me, spit me out like a bad taste… or rather I did it. I did it all and why? Because I am weak, fragile, and hurt, and I thought I was owed it, if I could get away with it, and I was wrong and knew it at the time, but did it anyway -and since then I have played the martyr, tried to let everyone walk on me in my-self hatred. Stood up for myself on behalf of others and never me. Lived for them, not me. It was easier… it was more deserved… because I am not a strong or good person.
So easy to hate yourself.
Lately we have been talking about assertiveness.
I tried. I failed. I was passive aggressive, I over relied on someone. I isolated myself and became dependent. She didn’t know what she was in for. I tried to figure out how to be self justified, self righteous.
I don’t feel sorry for explaining my feelings, or for hurting. I feel bad for my actions, for making them your problem… but they are your problem… right? Isn’t that assertiveness?
“I feel hurt because you did this.”
I thought that’s the new mike. The fuck you, I am me.
But it felt wrong too. Like I had to shatter something to be me. It’s a trippy ass thing, to jump from passive, to aggressive to passive to aggressive. I wish someone had taught me when I was younger that I was ok. Because then maybe I wouldn’t have done those things. I wish someone had told me I could be me.
I guess at 25, I still am, and I was humbled today as I have been every day, because I heard the words of students who looked bright with smiles and proclaimed to a room “I am me, this is what I believe, and what I do with it.”
I know they lie straight-faced. I know it’s easy to tell people something when they don’t see you all the time. But I’m starting to realize I am a gullible person, and I like it. I like to believe that they are as strong and self righteous as they proclaim… it gives me something to aspire to.

and I'm not done yet, shit, I'm just beginning.