something about splintering selves and pieces to fit in

So I was thinking about myself last night as I went to bed, as I often do (well I think about life a lot). Anyway I was thinking about all the parts of me that are separated out.
Some people have confronted me about this before... the good and bad mike. I see them, but I also wonder about the work mike, the play mike, the creative mike, the dreamer mike, the dependable mike, the counselor mike, the spiritual mike and so on.
I rarely feel like they all come together... and many times I or others have given them different names. I think thats funny. That parts of me go by different names. I can imagine being in a place where I have given up on this life and start referring to each part by its name.
I was thinking about how long I could last on a hunger strike. If I were ever sent to prison (regardless of whether I deserved it or not) which mike would I allow to live, would there be new mikes to help me survive... would there suddenly be a tough guy mike for instance?
Would I work more towards the enlightened... the martyr, the activist, the writer or painter?
Would I counsel people? Would I allow myself, or force myself to go crazy?
Would I hurt myself?
I can imagine all of these possibilities and more.
I can imagine being more splintered or more whole.
Over the years I am not sure I have ever brought these parts together... I think in many ways they become more distant to each other, and in some cases I like the idea of adding more.

One of my students says he never shows us his real side.
I feel like I have many real sides, but none of them is me... and by societal standards I cannot allow them to be, I cannot allow me to exist for you.
And isnt me changing, all of the me's.


I went to bed pretty sure that I could eventually let go of one of the me's. Over night it fought back.
I had a dream.
We were playing adult Jenga. If you haven't played its like normal jenga only each piece has different actions on the block that you have to perform (normal drinking game things as well as more sensual and/or sexual acts).
I have only ever played this game once. I was with some friends, but mostly strangers. I wasn't comfortable, but I was excited.
In the dream I was playing, equally as excited and equally as uncomfortable. Nothing really happened... just the thought.
When I woke up, I tried to guess at who the people in the dream were.
I decided that I hoped they were all strangers, because I wouldn't feel comfortable playing with friends.

I wonder why?
Another piece to add back in...
I forgot one of the reasons I had the piece in the first place is because I wanted to not objectify, or hurt, or push boundaries with my friends.
I didn't want to "practice" with people's hearts, minds or bodies. I wanted to see them fully, as more than sexual beings.

One of the readings we have at school says studies show that ____certain things____ lead to voyeurism, fetishism, and trophy-ism.

Causing problems in people's lives.
I was on this trolley for the past few weeks... thinking about how these things have played out in my life, for the negative.

Then this dream... and I was like, wait studies like this can't show causation, only correlation. Wait we live in one of the most voyeuristic societies in the history of the world, how would they separate out these variables? Wait, fetishism happens without this, and furthermore it happens in some cases before introduction to this... wait trophy-ism is a western societal norm.
Now I'm not saying any of this is good. No, it might be the ~its not good to be normal in a sick society thing... but how do we figure out these variables... isn't it more gray?

I always thought I would have healthy relationships.
I haven't really (I mean I love them, but it wasn't "good" for us right?).
Maybe its a matter of bad chemistry.
Maybe its a matter of bad communication, people who didn't know enough about themselves or the world.
Maybe its a matter of being sick.



I like the message my students walk away with. I wish I had gotten it in high school.
I wish I could get it now.

Can one ever simplify when things have already gotten more complex?
Will I eventually be more "healthy"?
Is it a matter of pursuing being different, or just being confident about who I have been and who I am now?

Oh well... more questions than answers as always.