Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

sunny day is sort of emo/alt/grunge sometimes abstract jesus-y cuz the singer was born again like twice while the band existed.


but anyway... i was talking to laurel
discussing how I have no one im taking care of anymore... for the first time really, and i spose thats part of my strange lonliness... but it also feels good right now... it doesnt mean i dont care, but im afraid i think to be too involved... i both want to feel needed and am afraid to be.

I can think of many reasons why i would be afraid to be....
but i guess i didnt realize how much of an impact that has had...
when i was talking to illy, and she confirmed that i had gotten more bold, abrasive, less caring in my speech...more honest... and it reminded me of the times she has been this way... times when she needed to withdraw to recollect..
but i dont feel like im recollecting... i feel like im just being less caring. and I recognize it when it happens... and I dont always like it, but i've gotten really good at listening to that side of my conscious... that devil is a temptation, when hes not offering new paths torwards self destruction but rather slightly altered paths towards wholeness... and i say devil, because devils are not so horrible, just honest. where as that angel always told me i could do it, didnt need to hold back, cared and would be cared for.
I think I respect the devil for this, but I would rather follow a real leader who inspires than a leader who tells me im human and will get hurt.

I think I need some sort of spiritual experience stat!
Oh quick rewards you are truly a temptation...
but the slower route....well
The last few days have reawakened parts of me i have missed... and it felt really good... but on this path, i wont be ready for anything any time soon... and though relatively happy... how does one be happy without following a good path. without trusting and caring? without giving more of themself than they can bare...

i was reading dani's copy of The Prophet last night...
joy and sorrow...
truly the same...

remind me i can do better. help me find a way to be better.

(this isnt a guilt thing, this is a happy desire)