post removed...
i was sort of making a joke, and apparently didnt come across right... so thats gone...
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Im falling in love with Taylor Mali
though i am certainly part of what he may criticize in this poem... i like the idea behind it (the spacing is all messed up)
"I’m for reckless abandon and spontaneous celebrations of nothing at all, like the twin flutes I kept in the trunk of my car in a box labeled Emergency Champagne Glasses!
Raise an unexpected glass to long, cold winters and sweet hot summers and the beautiful confusion of the times in between. To the unexpected drenching rain that leaves you soaking wet and smiling breathless;“We danced in the garden in torn sheets in the rain,”we were christened in the sanctity of the sprinkler,can’t you hear it singing out its Hallelujah?
Here’s to the soul-expanding power of the simply beautiful.
See, things you hate, things you despise, multinational corporations and lies that politicians tell, injustices that make you mad as hell, that’s all well and good. And as far as writing poems goes, I guess you should. It just might be a poem that gets Mumia released, brings an end to terrorism or peace in the middle east.
But as far as what soothes me, what inspires and moves me, honesty behooves me to tell you your rage doesn’t move me. See, like the darkest of clouds my heart has a silver lining, which does not harken to the loudest whining, but beats and stirs and grows ever more when I learn of the things you’re actually for.
That’s why I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles, nothing but the sound of thinking for miles.For the unconditional love of dogs: may we learn the lessons of their love by heart.For therapy when you need it, and poetry when you need it. And the wisdom to know the difference.
The solution to every problem usually involves some kind of liquid,even if it’s only Emergency Champagneor running through the sprinkler.Can’t you hear it calling you?
I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar, for the delicate and the resiliant and the fragile human heart, may it always heal stronger than it was before.For walks in the woods, and the for the woods themselves, by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.Window seats, and locally brewed beer, and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:I’m for all of these.
I’m for evolution more than revolution unless you’re offering some kind of solution.
I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining, and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.
So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses about what you are against, despise, and abhor. Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you, put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!"
though i am certainly part of what he may criticize in this poem... i like the idea behind it (the spacing is all messed up)
"I’m for reckless abandon and spontaneous celebrations of nothing at all, like the twin flutes I kept in the trunk of my car in a box labeled Emergency Champagne Glasses!
Raise an unexpected glass to long, cold winters and sweet hot summers and the beautiful confusion of the times in between. To the unexpected drenching rain that leaves you soaking wet and smiling breathless;“We danced in the garden in torn sheets in the rain,”we were christened in the sanctity of the sprinkler,can’t you hear it singing out its Hallelujah?
Here’s to the soul-expanding power of the simply beautiful.
See, things you hate, things you despise, multinational corporations and lies that politicians tell, injustices that make you mad as hell, that’s all well and good. And as far as writing poems goes, I guess you should. It just might be a poem that gets Mumia released, brings an end to terrorism or peace in the middle east.
But as far as what soothes me, what inspires and moves me, honesty behooves me to tell you your rage doesn’t move me. See, like the darkest of clouds my heart has a silver lining, which does not harken to the loudest whining, but beats and stirs and grows ever more when I learn of the things you’re actually for.
That’s why I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles, nothing but the sound of thinking for miles.For the unconditional love of dogs: may we learn the lessons of their love by heart.For therapy when you need it, and poetry when you need it. And the wisdom to know the difference.
The solution to every problem usually involves some kind of liquid,even if it’s only Emergency Champagneor running through the sprinkler.Can’t you hear it calling you?
I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar, for the delicate and the resiliant and the fragile human heart, may it always heal stronger than it was before.For walks in the woods, and the for the woods themselves, by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.Window seats, and locally brewed beer, and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:I’m for all of these.
I’m for evolution more than revolution unless you’re offering some kind of solution.
I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining, and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.
So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses about what you are against, despise, and abhor. Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you, put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!"
(heres some dramatic bs)
words alone, never could save us.
wow i just got so sad. something about reading old letters from loved ones, remember fondly meeting and enjoying some one new, that falling feeling in all its scary vulnerability. "that first night" maybe its just this song.
I think im gonna need to run away soon... or I might be lost again, and that seems a strange contradiction... but I usually find what i need the moment I leave, turn around and am some how able to hug even more people.
Some days I think about the relationships I have had, and regret how quickly I said I loved them, when really I was saying I would... and I did, but it wasnt till the trials, when I realized how much I wanted to give and often couldnt. Its not the vulnerability that makes you love someone, its not being open, its having them rip something from you without meaning to, and instead of drawing up inside yourself... you reach out to give them anything left, assuming, trusting that they know you well enough to know whats good for you. The assumption that they will do the right thing- based not on their current state, your past or theirs, not their troubles, their hectic life, but because you know were the situation reversed you would do everything in your power to let them know they were loved -and if thats not how they feel.... well you'd rather face that hard conclusion than not have trusted.
Sometimes life does get in the way though, sometimes they are too hurt, or you are to do it right... thats ok. Sometimes its just the situation, or the conflict of interests or the differences in personality... thats ok... thats heart break... thats good for you. but personally... I won't ever assume i'll ever be over it. when random words or pictures or memories or smells or touching makes me cry unexpectedly... well thats a tear to smile for.
words alone, never could save us.
wow i just got so sad. something about reading old letters from loved ones, remember fondly meeting and enjoying some one new, that falling feeling in all its scary vulnerability. "that first night" maybe its just this song.
I think im gonna need to run away soon... or I might be lost again, and that seems a strange contradiction... but I usually find what i need the moment I leave, turn around and am some how able to hug even more people.
Some days I think about the relationships I have had, and regret how quickly I said I loved them, when really I was saying I would... and I did, but it wasnt till the trials, when I realized how much I wanted to give and often couldnt. Its not the vulnerability that makes you love someone, its not being open, its having them rip something from you without meaning to, and instead of drawing up inside yourself... you reach out to give them anything left, assuming, trusting that they know you well enough to know whats good for you. The assumption that they will do the right thing- based not on their current state, your past or theirs, not their troubles, their hectic life, but because you know were the situation reversed you would do everything in your power to let them know they were loved -and if thats not how they feel.... well you'd rather face that hard conclusion than not have trusted.
Sometimes life does get in the way though, sometimes they are too hurt, or you are to do it right... thats ok. Sometimes its just the situation, or the conflict of interests or the differences in personality... thats ok... thats heart break... thats good for you. but personally... I won't ever assume i'll ever be over it. when random words or pictures or memories or smells or touching makes me cry unexpectedly... well thats a tear to smile for.
Friday, October 26, 2007
you can lead a man to city but that dont assure civility
im sort of amazed by the songs i have in my head in the morning when i wake up... often times its hey ya and depending on whether its the sad version or the upbeat version one can tell my dreams maybe... today and yesterday it was "no regrets" which is the lucy song from aesop rock.
no regrets... maybe my dreams are telling me to paint.
I find things that shouldnt be funny, hi-larious
and at the sex scene-sang along to the dawning of aquarious
Alicia and I would both go alone, but hey thats just our style..
still sometimes we get criticized for playing frisbee in the aisles
im sort of amazed by the songs i have in my head in the morning when i wake up... often times its hey ya and depending on whether its the sad version or the upbeat version one can tell my dreams maybe... today and yesterday it was "no regrets" which is the lucy song from aesop rock.
no regrets... maybe my dreams are telling me to paint.
I find things that shouldnt be funny, hi-larious
and at the sex scene-sang along to the dawning of aquarious
Alicia and I would both go alone, but hey thats just our style..
still sometimes we get criticized for playing frisbee in the aisles
Sunday, October 21, 2007
HMMMM what to talk about...
Well I am home this weekend... trying to fit random things in... so far I have hung out with both sets of rents, my brother and his girl, illy and gabs and amy a.... went to a roller derby game that was awesome, went to church and pretended to be a judge. havent had time yet for homework or computer games or drawing... slept a lot.
from laurel's constant suggestions i decided i should buy sid meier's pirates! (the second version) but i havent played it yet, and honestly I dont think i should until i get caught up in my classes... just in case it is as awesome as she says... a few weeks ago i bought some computer games, and have played 1 of them for about 5 hours total... which isnt actually that much in 2 weeks.
I am hoping it was the break, or the stress or the weather that made the last week or two a little different... but if not... welcome to the new period of old.... my great time of monkeyness is gone... im not using good words, but that is part of it. Its like a loss of energy, and seeing things clearly or rather beautifully... and maybe its just exhaustion...
I dont know how laurel and emily are doing it, considering they must have been just as stressed... and now they are roaming around san fran... i hope they take a day to chill.
last night i went to the roller girl derby with james and julie.. they have a friend who plays, but she wasnt playing last night. I have never seen a more entertaining sport... its sort of crazy... sort of like lacrosse on wheels... and without sticks or balls... just humans. we were in the second row... which meant u sit on the ground and people come crashing in to you.
we only stayed for half the games but even that was like an hour and a half... and we got to see an awesome hiphop dance group before hand... a few of the kids could make it seem as if they walked on air... or slid without moving... it was amazing.
hmmm.... i watched some movies the other night... and it was nice.... i want to watch more, but blockbuster is so expensive... and i think my time would be better spent reading the book i have to read for class... or planning my units....
I questioned a lot of my beliefs today in church, i wonder if i can still call myself a christian... I dont know if what i believe is what the church says... but i know it has a lot to do with what christ said.... still... what if i dont think you need him, or dont believe he is the son of god... or dont believe he is god... anymore than the rest of us?
Im not sure about it... but it wasnt questioning my faith, just my religion... and i still ended up feeling quite blesses and teary eyed by the last song...
I guess it was just weird to see all the ritual, the church, the songs and sayings... its like... this is not my religion anymore is it?
Im pretty sure i believe in something more transparent.... more relational... more inside of yourself and around you.
and a church seems a strange place to find that connection... not that i havent before many times... and grant (my step dad is the pastor) said some great things during the sermon, that made me wonder if any of us who are educated within the church, really actually believe in the whole thing, or whether they are going through the motions, because thats how all of us grew up within the church, and thats how we learned to find our own path.
much like jesus growing up jewish and sort of interpreting it in a different way..
but am i anything then?
am i all of it?
Well I am home this weekend... trying to fit random things in... so far I have hung out with both sets of rents, my brother and his girl, illy and gabs and amy a.... went to a roller derby game that was awesome, went to church and pretended to be a judge. havent had time yet for homework or computer games or drawing... slept a lot.
from laurel's constant suggestions i decided i should buy sid meier's pirates! (the second version) but i havent played it yet, and honestly I dont think i should until i get caught up in my classes... just in case it is as awesome as she says... a few weeks ago i bought some computer games, and have played 1 of them for about 5 hours total... which isnt actually that much in 2 weeks.
I am hoping it was the break, or the stress or the weather that made the last week or two a little different... but if not... welcome to the new period of old.... my great time of monkeyness is gone... im not using good words, but that is part of it. Its like a loss of energy, and seeing things clearly or rather beautifully... and maybe its just exhaustion...
I dont know how laurel and emily are doing it, considering they must have been just as stressed... and now they are roaming around san fran... i hope they take a day to chill.
last night i went to the roller girl derby with james and julie.. they have a friend who plays, but she wasnt playing last night. I have never seen a more entertaining sport... its sort of crazy... sort of like lacrosse on wheels... and without sticks or balls... just humans. we were in the second row... which meant u sit on the ground and people come crashing in to you.
we only stayed for half the games but even that was like an hour and a half... and we got to see an awesome hiphop dance group before hand... a few of the kids could make it seem as if they walked on air... or slid without moving... it was amazing.
hmmm.... i watched some movies the other night... and it was nice.... i want to watch more, but blockbuster is so expensive... and i think my time would be better spent reading the book i have to read for class... or planning my units....
I questioned a lot of my beliefs today in church, i wonder if i can still call myself a christian... I dont know if what i believe is what the church says... but i know it has a lot to do with what christ said.... still... what if i dont think you need him, or dont believe he is the son of god... or dont believe he is god... anymore than the rest of us?
Im not sure about it... but it wasnt questioning my faith, just my religion... and i still ended up feeling quite blesses and teary eyed by the last song...
I guess it was just weird to see all the ritual, the church, the songs and sayings... its like... this is not my religion anymore is it?
Im pretty sure i believe in something more transparent.... more relational... more inside of yourself and around you.
and a church seems a strange place to find that connection... not that i havent before many times... and grant (my step dad is the pastor) said some great things during the sermon, that made me wonder if any of us who are educated within the church, really actually believe in the whole thing, or whether they are going through the motions, because thats how all of us grew up within the church, and thats how we learned to find our own path.
much like jesus growing up jewish and sort of interpreting it in a different way..
but am i anything then?
am i all of it?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
you know that character... the drunk guy who thinks everyone is mad at them... theres always one of these guys you know.... i was that guy tonight...
only problem is, im pretty sure some of them actually were..
and im not sure what to do with that... because although a little obnoxious.... i wasnt totally out of line tonight or anything. I wasnt even drunk half the night, just felt sick, but was still having a good time... thus acted looopy... like when u are sick and not miserable.
i was happy to see everyone having a good time tonight... but i was feeling extremely young and insecure again... like these people dont actually want me around, just put up with me... and a lot of it was that sort of sarcastic game people play where they just pretend to be angry with you... but you dont know... do ya?
only problem is, im pretty sure some of them actually were..
and im not sure what to do with that... because although a little obnoxious.... i wasnt totally out of line tonight or anything. I wasnt even drunk half the night, just felt sick, but was still having a good time... thus acted looopy... like when u are sick and not miserable.
i was happy to see everyone having a good time tonight... but i was feeling extremely young and insecure again... like these people dont actually want me around, just put up with me... and a lot of it was that sort of sarcastic game people play where they just pretend to be angry with you... but you dont know... do ya?
Saturday, October 13, 2007
someone asked me a question... which meant a lot to me... this was my response after a few days... (im sharing this because i think it is bigger than just her, and i would like to share it with everyone.)
I know it may seem really dumb, but im amazed you would give me a second thought. I always have such high hopes for long distance stuff and i just dont follow through... but once again if i can be honest, i often feel like writing you and asking you the same but chicken out because i feel like i must just piss you off...maybe im being too much of a 12 year old.. I often tell my friends they need to have faith in our friendship or in me enough to understand that i wont judge them for little human things... but I cant seem to get it through my head that i need to trust in other people not to judge me on my flaws..
whats beautiful? tonight was my first day in a while when i felt at all like things werent always beautiful... but by the end of the night i felt good again. what is it that is making things so beautiful?um 2 things... the first is, im working at a highschool with a cooperating teacher, but i love it, it seems like where i want to be, it feels comfortable, it feels exciting. the students are fun, the activities are good... etc... the teacher today took me aside and said you know what mike, you are ready to teach... and he then spent the next 5 minutes saying it again in different ways, until i really felt the compliment rather than just sort of shrugging it off.. it was really nice.
the second thing: i started this semester off, and much of the summer wondering where my love of people had gone... then i met a whole bunch of new exciting people, i have crushes, i have excitement and warmth... and its nothing like -wanting to be in a relationship with them... its meeting and making friends with interesting amazing people... and even more, its having someone who is so amazing come up to me and say "mike i want to tell you about myself, because i know you will care." its not an ego thing on their part, its opening up... and knowing that they will open up to me makes me feel like i have some sort of purpose, some sort of special quality... and makes it tremendously easy to look around and see how beautiful other people and life is... it makes it easy to see their gifts, what makes them special, and makes whatever gives them excitement beautiful too...so happiness in that sense...im doing well... and i love people.
and the fact that you dont hate me, and ask.... well thats amazing you know?
so please, if you feel you can share... tell me the same..? tell me what is beautiful, what is ok, what is reality, fantasy, what hurts, thrills, comforts, confuses and on and on... and even if i dont always respond..
i can assure you i will cherish it.
peace and love to youtaff
I know it may seem really dumb, but im amazed you would give me a second thought. I always have such high hopes for long distance stuff and i just dont follow through... but once again if i can be honest, i often feel like writing you and asking you the same but chicken out because i feel like i must just piss you off...maybe im being too much of a 12 year old.. I often tell my friends they need to have faith in our friendship or in me enough to understand that i wont judge them for little human things... but I cant seem to get it through my head that i need to trust in other people not to judge me on my flaws..
whats beautiful? tonight was my first day in a while when i felt at all like things werent always beautiful... but by the end of the night i felt good again. what is it that is making things so beautiful?um 2 things... the first is, im working at a highschool with a cooperating teacher, but i love it, it seems like where i want to be, it feels comfortable, it feels exciting. the students are fun, the activities are good... etc... the teacher today took me aside and said you know what mike, you are ready to teach... and he then spent the next 5 minutes saying it again in different ways, until i really felt the compliment rather than just sort of shrugging it off.. it was really nice.
the second thing: i started this semester off, and much of the summer wondering where my love of people had gone... then i met a whole bunch of new exciting people, i have crushes, i have excitement and warmth... and its nothing like -wanting to be in a relationship with them... its meeting and making friends with interesting amazing people... and even more, its having someone who is so amazing come up to me and say "mike i want to tell you about myself, because i know you will care." its not an ego thing on their part, its opening up... and knowing that they will open up to me makes me feel like i have some sort of purpose, some sort of special quality... and makes it tremendously easy to look around and see how beautiful other people and life is... it makes it easy to see their gifts, what makes them special, and makes whatever gives them excitement beautiful too...so happiness in that sense...im doing well... and i love people.
and the fact that you dont hate me, and ask.... well thats amazing you know?
so please, if you feel you can share... tell me the same..? tell me what is beautiful, what is ok, what is reality, fantasy, what hurts, thrills, comforts, confuses and on and on... and even if i dont always respond..
i can assure you i will cherish it.
peace and love to youtaff
Sunday, October 07, 2007
I guess I just havent known what to write about lately... everything seems too dull (at least from an audience point of view) but every once in a while i check the stats on this here page... and it surprises me how many people seem to check this... and even people i couldnt possibly know... (say hi, thats what the comments are for)
I have homework to do, but instead why dont i give you some basic info... just to let you know.. in case you know?
um I was born in Dixon Illinois and even though the city has a monument to lincoln, the last time I was there I decided I would never go back because i saw like 3-4 confederate flags... and thats just not something im down for. My parents lived there while they were getting their masters degrees. We left when I was 2 months old, and came to mn.
I grew up in St. Louis Park... which is where my heart often resides.. at least with the people.
I enjoyed school and now want to be a teacher.
I like to visit other countries, i like shocking things.
I love humans.
I write, draw, paint, make videos (there are links to all of this) I also act like an idiot a fair amount of the time... the other times i am sometimes way too responsible and mature... though i dont often feel the need to bring this side out when im in morris, unless someone is talking about something personal.
I go to school in morris mn... at the U and i am in the ed program.
I have a strong feeling I will be fired for being a good teacher at some point... or rather for telling students the truth.
I enjoy music, it moves me, physically and emotionally...
i am sort of materialistic about things like music and movies and computers...
i have several instruments but dont play any.
I fall for people really quick, but not to the point where I want to be in a relationship... just to the point where I really worry about them.
I hope to be a good influence on the world, and part of this is derived from some terrible things i have done in the past, and hope to make amends for.
I have like 2 secrets that i dont share with anyone, but other than those i am an open book, so much so, that i dont know what to tell people when they ask for secrets or special traits or anything.
uh i take pictures of people all the time, and im sort of creepy about it, but i do it because i love the pictures... i like the idea of trying to capture just a second of a person's personality on film... but i am often disappointed with the results... so i just keep trying... and each click is a possibility.
i wear two pairs of pants in the winter, and never wear shorts in the summer.
this is mostly because im cold, and have body issues.
i am a dj. I am a member of a few groups, i tend to play a leadership role in things, mostly because when i dont, i have such a big mouth that i always get involved anyway.
i am generally well received... but im unsure how many people know me, and how many see me for the image i project for them. the few who have seen me, forgive, but maybe dont forget... and thats hard.
I am a middle child.
I am a bit crazy but care too much to leave this world behind.
i am a believe in the religions of the world.
I feel god often.
I love, but am not always the best at expressing it,
i end many a letter with
peace and love to you
-taff
I have homework to do, but instead why dont i give you some basic info... just to let you know.. in case you know?
um I was born in Dixon Illinois and even though the city has a monument to lincoln, the last time I was there I decided I would never go back because i saw like 3-4 confederate flags... and thats just not something im down for. My parents lived there while they were getting their masters degrees. We left when I was 2 months old, and came to mn.
I grew up in St. Louis Park... which is where my heart often resides.. at least with the people.
I enjoyed school and now want to be a teacher.
I like to visit other countries, i like shocking things.
I love humans.
I write, draw, paint, make videos (there are links to all of this) I also act like an idiot a fair amount of the time... the other times i am sometimes way too responsible and mature... though i dont often feel the need to bring this side out when im in morris, unless someone is talking about something personal.
I go to school in morris mn... at the U and i am in the ed program.
I have a strong feeling I will be fired for being a good teacher at some point... or rather for telling students the truth.
I enjoy music, it moves me, physically and emotionally...
i am sort of materialistic about things like music and movies and computers...
i have several instruments but dont play any.
I fall for people really quick, but not to the point where I want to be in a relationship... just to the point where I really worry about them.
I hope to be a good influence on the world, and part of this is derived from some terrible things i have done in the past, and hope to make amends for.
I have like 2 secrets that i dont share with anyone, but other than those i am an open book, so much so, that i dont know what to tell people when they ask for secrets or special traits or anything.
uh i take pictures of people all the time, and im sort of creepy about it, but i do it because i love the pictures... i like the idea of trying to capture just a second of a person's personality on film... but i am often disappointed with the results... so i just keep trying... and each click is a possibility.
i wear two pairs of pants in the winter, and never wear shorts in the summer.
this is mostly because im cold, and have body issues.
i am a dj. I am a member of a few groups, i tend to play a leadership role in things, mostly because when i dont, i have such a big mouth that i always get involved anyway.
i am generally well received... but im unsure how many people know me, and how many see me for the image i project for them. the few who have seen me, forgive, but maybe dont forget... and thats hard.
I am a middle child.
I am a bit crazy but care too much to leave this world behind.
i am a believe in the religions of the world.
I feel god often.
I love, but am not always the best at expressing it,
i end many a letter with
peace and love to you
-taff
Saturday, October 06, 2007
The problem with faith is that its not that you cant express it, its that you cant express it in a way that people will understand what you are talking about.
Thus I want to babble about a beautiful night, but the big things are always the same...
still let me tell you that a cat doesnt just walk up and sit in your lap, hes telling you something... dont ask me what... cuz i never figured it out... but its true. and also the sky was all lightning but there wasnt a storm, and that planet or whatever it was seemed bright as the moon and big too... and there is a sort of creepy beautiful calm intensity that comes with walking the streets at 4-5 am cuz you are pretty much talking to yourself or god, and one way or another anything seems possible.
Thus I want to babble about a beautiful night, but the big things are always the same...
still let me tell you that a cat doesnt just walk up and sit in your lap, hes telling you something... dont ask me what... cuz i never figured it out... but its true. and also the sky was all lightning but there wasnt a storm, and that planet or whatever it was seemed bright as the moon and big too... and there is a sort of creepy beautiful calm intensity that comes with walking the streets at 4-5 am cuz you are pretty much talking to yourself or god, and one way or another anything seems possible.
Friday, October 05, 2007
I desperately need to post.
I was just thinking of a certain dumb and dumber quote, that I probably shouldnt ever write on here again, just in case someone found it and thought i had mixed motives for being a teacher... its not like that I can assure you.
"but like I told me dont dwell"
um anyway... i got like 2 mins...
I have class today, and 2 major assignments due later... but i got to go to mahs first...
listening to a lot of Rancid's "lady liberty" lately... its pretty swell.
uh more this weekend im sure... i will have the time.
I was just thinking of a certain dumb and dumber quote, that I probably shouldnt ever write on here again, just in case someone found it and thought i had mixed motives for being a teacher... its not like that I can assure you.
"but like I told me dont dwell"
um anyway... i got like 2 mins...
I have class today, and 2 major assignments due later... but i got to go to mahs first...
listening to a lot of Rancid's "lady liberty" lately... its pretty swell.
uh more this weekend im sure... i will have the time.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
I was sitting at Reeds and trying not to hurt, im not sure what it was exactly, maybe bittersweet beauty... but certain songs make me have certain memories... certain moods lead to certain desires... certain people, thoughts shared, situations...
I was loved once.
sometimes im brought back there, so often lately im pressed with glimpses of perhaps something of that nature again, but not immediate, some distant future thing that is different and not the same (and anyone who has ever loved persons knows exactly what i mean by that) and lately its not with someone. but everyone... and thats too impersonal when secret desires are not of lust, but rather wanting to cry over the love you share with someone. cry cuz it hurts to love deeply like that, cry because it hurts to feel accepted for the first time.
***
So often lately I am unashamed of the gifts I have been given. The one gift. and I say it when people ask, or tell me, because Im egotistical, I'm proud, I say "I know, I'm good at it, but I dont try, its the way i've always been and I love it, but you dont have to be so afraid. taken off guard... it hurts me that you react this way, because it must mean something, were you not shown attention or affection? do you not know how easily love comes? have you never been the center of a conversation? dont you know you deserve it? Dont you know you give off a beautiful quality that I cant quite capture, or understand yet? and Im not gone when you share it.. I dont have to be...
Likewise:
I feel so guilty lately. the biggest flirt. dont show a whiff of indifference. Dont be too honest. dont let them down, they dont deserve that. and if they dont show interest -take comfort, you couldnt please or ease their situations anymore than you have. you're only good once so dont let them get too interested.
I was loved once.
sometimes im brought back there, so often lately im pressed with glimpses of perhaps something of that nature again, but not immediate, some distant future thing that is different and not the same (and anyone who has ever loved persons knows exactly what i mean by that) and lately its not with someone. but everyone... and thats too impersonal when secret desires are not of lust, but rather wanting to cry over the love you share with someone. cry cuz it hurts to love deeply like that, cry because it hurts to feel accepted for the first time.
***
So often lately I am unashamed of the gifts I have been given. The one gift. and I say it when people ask, or tell me, because Im egotistical, I'm proud, I say "I know, I'm good at it, but I dont try, its the way i've always been and I love it, but you dont have to be so afraid. taken off guard... it hurts me that you react this way, because it must mean something, were you not shown attention or affection? do you not know how easily love comes? have you never been the center of a conversation? dont you know you deserve it? Dont you know you give off a beautiful quality that I cant quite capture, or understand yet? and Im not gone when you share it.. I dont have to be...
Likewise:
I feel so guilty lately. the biggest flirt. dont show a whiff of indifference. Dont be too honest. dont let them down, they dont deserve that. and if they dont show interest -take comfort, you couldnt please or ease their situations anymore than you have. you're only good once so dont let them get too interested.
And when you take two people who have struggled with their identities, their hidden taboo sexualities, struggled to find what was taken or mysteriously given, the hardships, the guilt, the interest, the hurt, the search for meaning, for connection, for understanding... and when they come to terms, and feel comfortable discussing that which they have found and figured out, and when they place no judgements on the others who are doing the same... dont storm out in disgust or anger.
For they revert to having no one but themselves to blame.
For they revert to having no one but themselves to blame.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
isnt this picture jawsome... it looks posed but actually it was
(well in the "hey everyone picture" sort of way)
couple new poems on the poetry page... um they are religious/violent/interesting/weird/controversial?
well at least the one. maybe both depending on the crowd.
Uh i am hungry... but im not sure what and where im sposed to get my grub on today... dont know where or what im doing...maybe doing some painting.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
ok its 2:30 am.... and to be honest i may not have a clue what im typing right now.
Its sort of a hard position to be in when people have expectations, or feelings they dont share with you... but some how expect you to fulfill. I could give several cases right now... but rather than that.. I will assume you are all well aware that occasionally this happens in a relationship and we can move on.
Now what to do?
*I like to be respectful of people's feelings, even when I am unsure of what they are, because I feel like sometimes we should just assume that if they could, they would tell you... or maybe they are personally trying to deal with it and would actually prefer the space... or so on and so forth... its important to respect feelings, feelings are valid regardless of the situation... they should be respected...
but...
sometimes when people dont share, be honest or whatever... or act dramatically... in some sort of fashion to express those feelings.. or try to get attention for them. (we have all done it) the other people can have multiple reactions to that sort of thing, but one of them is going to be confusion... because they dont know the situation, they may interpret the feelings incorrectly... so this confusion can lead to a variety of counter-feelings... such as defensiveness, anger, etc...
Im currently experiencing some of that... because I dont know what I'm supposed to do.
Does one go to a friend, when they havent been called out and try to make amends for unknown greviences? or assume that a friend would come to them if they had some complaints?
Does one support honesty and communication by bridging the gaps when another hints?
or does one wait till the other works up the strength to committ themselves to the relationship, by moving past their own feelings to try to make a connection where they feel one is lacking/declining... thus the reward goes to those who put forth effort.
Now Im pretty sure I am in both positions right now with different relationships... but Im ok with the ones where I withdraw on purpose because Im not sure I actually value the type of friendship I was getting.
At the same time, I am underappreciating many of my friends, simply because I am not near them, to relate to them... and in my closest friendships it goes without saying that that is ok... because the moment im back with them we connect...
but I know there are several people who are wanting more... and to be honest right now....
although I am willing to try... a good portion of me feels like i shouldnt have to. If they cared they would make the effort... not test me on mine, not judge me when im genuinely busy, or with other friends, or tired or stressed or too depressed to put forth an effort...
and many of those things i am not right now...
but I am trying to make a community here, because I need it... and in that I will accept that people need to come and go... I will head down to the cities when I want to... I will hang with whoever i want to.... and enjoy it. because thats what they should be doing too... and if they want me around...
Im very thankful.
Im very thankful that so many people have been so kind.. supportive... understanding...
I love it.
but I wont baby them unless they ask for it...
Because truly caring about a person and respecting them requires a level of integrity, believing that they will act the right way when the situation calls for it.
and I will expect that from the people I care about because I believe in them.
Its sort of a hard position to be in when people have expectations, or feelings they dont share with you... but some how expect you to fulfill. I could give several cases right now... but rather than that.. I will assume you are all well aware that occasionally this happens in a relationship and we can move on.
Now what to do?
*I like to be respectful of people's feelings, even when I am unsure of what they are, because I feel like sometimes we should just assume that if they could, they would tell you... or maybe they are personally trying to deal with it and would actually prefer the space... or so on and so forth... its important to respect feelings, feelings are valid regardless of the situation... they should be respected...
but...
sometimes when people dont share, be honest or whatever... or act dramatically... in some sort of fashion to express those feelings.. or try to get attention for them. (we have all done it) the other people can have multiple reactions to that sort of thing, but one of them is going to be confusion... because they dont know the situation, they may interpret the feelings incorrectly... so this confusion can lead to a variety of counter-feelings... such as defensiveness, anger, etc...
Im currently experiencing some of that... because I dont know what I'm supposed to do.
Does one go to a friend, when they havent been called out and try to make amends for unknown greviences? or assume that a friend would come to them if they had some complaints?
Does one support honesty and communication by bridging the gaps when another hints?
or does one wait till the other works up the strength to committ themselves to the relationship, by moving past their own feelings to try to make a connection where they feel one is lacking/declining... thus the reward goes to those who put forth effort.
Now Im pretty sure I am in both positions right now with different relationships... but Im ok with the ones where I withdraw on purpose because Im not sure I actually value the type of friendship I was getting.
At the same time, I am underappreciating many of my friends, simply because I am not near them, to relate to them... and in my closest friendships it goes without saying that that is ok... because the moment im back with them we connect...
but I know there are several people who are wanting more... and to be honest right now....
although I am willing to try... a good portion of me feels like i shouldnt have to. If they cared they would make the effort... not test me on mine, not judge me when im genuinely busy, or with other friends, or tired or stressed or too depressed to put forth an effort...
and many of those things i am not right now...
but I am trying to make a community here, because I need it... and in that I will accept that people need to come and go... I will head down to the cities when I want to... I will hang with whoever i want to.... and enjoy it. because thats what they should be doing too... and if they want me around...
Im very thankful.
Im very thankful that so many people have been so kind.. supportive... understanding...
I love it.
but I wont baby them unless they ask for it...
Because truly caring about a person and respecting them requires a level of integrity, believing that they will act the right way when the situation calls for it.
and I will expect that from the people I care about because I believe in them.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Whats next after they tell you a living wage is too much to ask?
Convince you to settle because they have the power.
No one gives a fuck because it "doesn't affect" them, but when they come for you who will be left?
This is the way capitalism commits murder.
Of course no one is dying from not getting the extra 1.50 or whatever it is per day. But if they cant keep up with a living wage then what are they forced to sacrifice? How good of a job do you get from those who are too stressed to operate productively? How do you build community when those who hold it together, who manage the little things, are sick, tired, anxious, from working two/three jobs, from trying to get by on not enough food, from freezing just a little bit more in the winter and exhaustion from heat just a little more often in the summer.
History has taught us that people lost their lives for our safety, for our freedom, for our security.. but I'm not talking about just soldiers here, I'm talking about the unions that brought you the minimum wage, benefits, weekends, labor protection laws.
I'm talking about the people who gave up a lot, so that we could go to college, so that our families could become middle class, so that we could buy our bullshit ipods and computers.
The people who gave us hope about a "good job" in the future.
The same people who we let fall now, without support when our state representatives have already guaranteed them the money...
Whats next?
you are.
Convince you to settle because they have the power.
No one gives a fuck because it "doesn't affect" them, but when they come for you who will be left?
This is the way capitalism commits murder.
Of course no one is dying from not getting the extra 1.50 or whatever it is per day. But if they cant keep up with a living wage then what are they forced to sacrifice? How good of a job do you get from those who are too stressed to operate productively? How do you build community when those who hold it together, who manage the little things, are sick, tired, anxious, from working two/three jobs, from trying to get by on not enough food, from freezing just a little bit more in the winter and exhaustion from heat just a little more often in the summer.
History has taught us that people lost their lives for our safety, for our freedom, for our security.. but I'm not talking about just soldiers here, I'm talking about the unions that brought you the minimum wage, benefits, weekends, labor protection laws.
I'm talking about the people who gave up a lot, so that we could go to college, so that our families could become middle class, so that we could buy our bullshit ipods and computers.
The people who gave us hope about a "good job" in the future.
The same people who we let fall now, without support when our state representatives have already guaranteed them the money...
Whats next?
you are.
