mental health

I've been feeling kind of stuck lately. Overwhelmed by my future... and overdwelling on my present.  Lists of things that need to be done... or else... nothing. Nothing is wrong. But I keep feeling like a failure, like I can't get ahead. 

I had therapy today and I shared that I feel like there is this tension in which I feel like I need a big change (and maybe one is coming) vs I am spending my days keeping up, doing my to do list, chipping away at little tasks, slow improvements... and trying not to judge myself because inevitably I often feel like I am falling behind or not doing enough.  When I look at those thoughts more objectively, I noticed that there is no real impact of falling behind or not completing my list... because I was the one who made the list and nothing is wrong. 

I gave the example of last night when I went to bed early, but didn't feel like I had accomplished everything. Woke up in the middle of the night, still didn't feel accomplished. Felt kind of sleepy and behind in the morning... but nothing was wrong, I just felt dissatisfied. 

I also gave the example of walking by the river last week and feeling like "if something doesn't change..." 

My therapist asked me what I hoped would change... I said relationships, family, direction, a feeling that I was working towards something not just keeping up. 

I shared about my experience at PRIDE, feeling grateful and in awe of the crowd, but also so averse to socializing. I shared how I was connecting with folks, but that I felt scared, awkward, etc... not trusting when it came to investing in groups or people.  And at the same time so lonely, and needy.

My therapist kind of asked me like... is this because of E?   Like is this just the continuation of the grief, having invested so much and assuming that was the future you were building, and then it not working out.  I think that is the story of all my relationships, but I agreed... its been harder since. 

But maybe it was already getting harder... why didn't I reconnect with my college friends after south america?  Why don't I go check out this monthly brunch SLP folks do?  Why don't I feel like I can connect, or sit with discomfort, or do anything without playing a role?

As we were chatting, I started to feel younger and younger.  There was some element of my fighting with my Dad right now. There were elements of grief with E. There was this overarching anxiety about not fitting in. I felt like I was 5 showing up to kindergarten or maybe younger showing up to preschool. Felt like little Mike is afraid that no one cares, no one will notice him, no one wants him unless he can do something for them, and it's so painful. It's painful internally. It's painful to watch others. (I gave examples of the social groups I saw forming at PRIDE, and feeling so averse to the awkward/cringe). 

But also from that place where little Mike is... the external doesn't feel dependable or safe. It feels like I have to compete. It feels like no one understands or cares. And like I can't trust that anyone will lead me through it. I have to perform, have to keep up, have to or its sooooo uncomfortable. 

And adult Mike is sick of performing... burnt out. Exhausted. I do it for work, that's a role. I don't really want to perform when I am out in the world...  but I don't know how not to. I feel like I am always so anxious. 

 

Part of what changed significantly after E and I broke up, is that I started to feel less legitimate again in the world.... no kids... no family... no partner.  Like a little kid again  or worse, like a threat to people. Single unhappy guy... that's not good. 

Anyway... as I was in therapy I was noticing these younger parts, this fear, etc... and I got really self conscious, and this teenager part of me arrived to call me out and judge me... I noticed it most strongly in this fear of being judged by my therapist... is she gonna think less of me?  Is she gonna think I am a bad therapist?  Am I a bad therapist?  What if I am doing it all wrong, and hurting people?   What if I am a hypocrite?   It felt like Holden Caulfield stuff, "you fake, you phony." 

It was hard to just sit with these parts... with the younger part that feels afraid that I am unlovable, not good enough.  And this older part that wants to judge (which I understand is protective)... I found myself wanting to intellectualize rather than just sit with or attend to these parts. Found myself wanting to give the play by play of what was happening internally, to fly above it and conduct. To regain the sense of control... of "I know what's going on, even if my eyes are watering."    And it was difficult because all of that is happening in front of someone. Someone I shouldn't be trying to impress but of course I am... 

That intellectualizing part was soooo hard to not let take over.  It made me kind of recognize that my 'adult self' might just be more of an intellectualizer that performs well.  My therapist noted that when I was younger I was contributing and taking on the anxiety/responsibility of my parents... and I noted I  still am... 

There are times when I feel like I am doing everything wrong...but getting praised for it. 

An example that has been uplifted lately is this idea of starting my own business. It's true, I started a practice this year. It's been successful so far, pays the bills. Slowly I am growing in my ability to take responsibility for it, to make decisions etc.  But it doesn't feel like something I am proud of... it feels like a continuation of this role that isn't really me, but is me trying to show everyone else I am capable. It kind of feels like I have conned everyone into believing I am good, when underneath, I am needy, confused... scared all the time, feel like I am treading water just fine... but not sure which direction in the ocean I am supposed to be going. Lost at sea you know?

There are plenty of times when I am not even sure I want to be a therapist. I love it... but I also feel like I am doing it to feel special/capable... and I am sick of the performance. Who am I outside of these roles? am I even a real person? 

At the end of the session, my intellectual side had to give feedback to my therapist "thank you for doing X in this session, that was helpful."   It had to summarize the take aways  "1) practice sitting with the discomfort, not jumping into a role, like with the high school brunch group... just allow my nervous system to realign. 2)Attend to little mike, his fears etc. Sit with, rather than avoid these feelings. 3) Notice this teen part that likes to judge, acknowledge it is trying to keep me safe. Ask what it is trying to keep me safe from? Go to the vulnerable stuff underneath..."   Had to summarize it so that I looked like a good student, who understands everything. Who is capable of crying and being vulnerable, and being fully present and aware at the same time. 

But I did feel more capable. 

I made lunch, did some paperwork, caught up with some insurance stuff. Felt like I had cleared my list as I walked to my office for the last 2 sessions of the day. There was hope and optimism, there was clarity in my goals for myself... a promise to take care of myself.  

And also some part of me wondering if now would be a good time to start medications... "hey, you have to sit with discomfort."  (Do I?) 

I had two sessions... they were mostly fine. Immediately after the sessions I felt anxious again. I had two new notes to do. I had not checked things off. I walked home reminding myself I had plenty of time tomorrow. It will only take 10 minutes tomorrow. That I had set it up so I would have time to journal and read tonight. That my only tasks were to make dinner, to read a little, to journal and to avoid being on my phone all night.

I was kind of shocked by how quick the anxiety set in again. It felt like OCD style anxiety, like I couldn't unlock being present because I had things hanging over me. I knew what I wanted to focus on, and I knew that I was capable of doing what I needed (I had felt free and capable just a few hours before)... but now I was screaming internally with anxiety again. 

I wanted to spend time with little Mike. Sit with all these unprocessed feelings.  But I felt like I was behind again. I felt anxious till I ate dinner an hour later. Then felt so full that I ended up taking a nap when I sat down to read around 7.   I woke up to the sun setting. 

There is an element of this that feels like when I am traveling alone. A list of things. Can't forget anything. Times and places, prices, options, decisions. Safety is on the line. Everything you need is on your person. Recognizing and being in control of everything because nothing is promised and you are on your own. 

Reinforced when I have traveled with other people and assumed they knew the way, and then you are lost and they are crabby and worried, and it would have been better if you'd paid attention and not trusted others. Now you have to manage their feelings, and your own. Now you have to get yourself out of a situation that you didn't know you needed to prepare for. Now you have to take charge.

So hyperindependent even when I am with others... have to take charge, have to be in the know, have to have control. Can't trust...

My last client of the day (this might have actually been where my anxiety started), had mentioned that his wife was coming off medications and really activated and that it was hard. She was reducing medication so that they could start a family, it wasn't going well.  (Sounds familiar eh?)

He also mentioned that his wife, when super anxious, asks him "So whats the plan?" which was a question that E used to feel triggered by. He mentioned that when she asks, it feels like he has to be in charge and fix things that he didn't know he was responsible for -like he was being judged AND depended on, and hes already feeling stretched thin.   I asked, would it be different if she asked you "whats the next step?"  And he said yes.    

 As I was walking home, full of my anxiety that I had to talk myself down from... I was also thinking about how controlling and judgy I am in relationships. How I can't accept what is, or  appreciate the person in front of me... how my desire to have a list and know everything, and have everything feel ok, causes the other person to not feel ok.  I walked home thinking Yes, there were things that E wasn't taking responsibility for... but I didn't make it any easier with all my controlling needs.

I dunno. I guess I just felt really sad for her, for me, for us. 

Maybe it doesn't help that the therapist brought up the miscarriage and my client was preparing/struggling in a similar situation...

-As I am writing this... feelings are coming up. Part of me wants to intellectualize them. 

I am really sad for myself when I write about wanting to travel with others, but feeling I have to take responsibility and can't be present, and can't trust. Maybe use the small emotion words.

I am really sad for myself with E, and the belief that I had something that was going to last, was preparing for it, but didn't feel supported/didn't feel soothed or secure enough... and so got even more controlling... made her feel like not enough. 

And also just sad, that we couldn't make it work. That I can't seem to make it work with anyone. 

And I am mad too. 

Mad that I feel so alone, and feel like it's my fault, but also feel like people who cared about me failed in doing their part. Mad that I know what I need to do differently, but don't feel capable of doing it... because I am exhausted from keeping myself and others up. Because I won't be soothed or affirmed in doing it... because there is a mismatch between what others see and what I experience, and I don't know how to communicate what is on the inside. 

I am scared that I won't change. That I will continue to feel like this. That I won't be able to make the changes, or ever feel secure. That I wont be able to share vulnerably and be heard, or understood. That it will reinforce the feelings of being not worthy, of being judged, or of feeling discarded.

I am kind of disgusted with these feelings, these fears, this vulnerability. Like... it makes me so weak. Makes me so pitiful, needy. gross. Its hard not to judge. Its easy to see why others would judge it. 

Shame again... 

These emotions/thoughts are temporary visitors... they can't harm me. They are here to offer information, they don't inherently mean anything about me... just recognition of unmet needs, that I can offer myself, and also ask for...  They wont last forever. 

I hope.