End of June

 

Not sure if I'll leave the apartment today. Maybe go downstairs and do some work or writing. 

Not feeling particularly creative. Last night I was struggling because I was bored but didn't want to start a new tv series, or watch a movie, or read a new book. So I went to bed early and then woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep right away. 

So I woke up like midday today feeling like I'd already given up today.

Its now about 2pm. Cut up some watermelon and put some ribs in the oven... Maybe have dinner with a friend tonight. Its supposed to be in the 90s this week. 

Yesterday was interesting. I went to PRIDE at Powderhorn instead or loring. Lots of young folks, lots of gender fluid/trans folks. It was a beautiful celebration without all the corporations and 'legitimacy' of the establishment. I sat by myself for over an hour just staring at the crowd and grooving to music. I didn't need to buy anything from the small vendors, didn't want to interact with the non-profits. Saw a bunch of people I knew and didn't say hi. Didn't wave them over. 

Eventually met up with a friend who was meeting other friends there. I hung out in their group for an hour or so, but didn't particularly feel like getting to know them better. I felt a-social? while also being happy to be around people. Something odd about my introversion... I guess its getting so much more intense. Maybe it was because I wasn't necessarily attracted to any of them?   There were a few interesting folks who might have had similar interests or professions... but I also felt like people have become less intriguing to me. Something about having such intense understanding of folks due to therapy... maybe the recognition that I probably wouldn't connect with any of these folks again... it felt almost like meeting people at a hostel now. Like "Hi, oh yeah... not interested."  What is wrong with me? Why is it I can sit and pray and send good vibes to folks for over an hour... but have no desire to meet with them... And how is any of this gonna change?

I was contrasting this experience a little bit with getting to know folks in my office... there, its not like I want to become best friends with all of them, but I am more interested. Maybe the promise of seeing them again? or the perks of networking?  I look forward to interactions with a few of them. But I can't just have therapist friends, can I?

What do you do when you love and admire humanity, but don't really like people anymore?

I weigh this with the consideration of how I am not in any groups right now, and I know something is missing from my life... or maybe multiple things. Partnership, family, group community. 

You'd think being around a bunch of folks at PRIDE would give me a sense of connection, but really I felt old, not particularly included, not particularly invested in the things that THEY were doing. 

Maybe I am waiting for some extravert to pluck me up. Maybe I need a hit of some MDMA... as was suggested recently. 

I just found it interesting. I think I am definitely at the place where I want a partner to enjoy life with, but don't necessarily feel all that invested in group dynamics. It actually made me really uncomfortable to be around some of the groups I saw.  I saw at least two groups (other than the friends, of friends of friend).  One was clearly like a group that had formed on the internet and were meeting in person for the first time and were doing an activity together (scavenger hunt?). Another was a group that had at least 2 polycules, and the vying for position and attention made me really uncomfortable. Perhaps it was also just the recognition of sooooo much awkward neurodiversity energy. Like all the folks who were left out came together  (and I love that)... would want that for some folks I care about...  but I have no desire to be vying for position or attention. 

That was another element I noticed. I don't dress up anymore. I don't wear a freak flag... Im not huge on fashion as expression. I was rocking the same clothes I'd wear to work.  And just enjoying what others were expressing... dancing when I wanted to dance. Smiling when I wanted to smile. Weaving through the crowd feeling invisible... liking that I was invisible.    Sure... there are dreams of being plucked, but I didn't necessarily want attention, didn't want awkward social interaction, nervousness. 

Where does any of this leave me?    Part of me wants to judge myself, say there is something wrong. Another part admires that I have changed. That maybe I am less needy despite feeling needy in one area. I don't really need to impress anyone. Don't need to stand out. Don't need to lead a group. Don't need to be the center of attention.   I've been going to open mics and just enjoying others. I think about performing, and will at some point, but I am not entirely sure that it matters. I like seeing the repeated faces. I like witnessing. 

And then again, nothing has really changed. I've always weaved through crowds. I've always people watched when I didn't have a role. Nothing was different from 12 or 16 or 18 than yesterday... except that I would have felt like I should try to be part of something. Equally as lonely if I try, and when I don't?   Maybe I'm just more comfortable letting myself be myself. 

When my friend and her friends arrived, I found myself feeling more effeminate, often the case when I am around queer folks. My friend commented that I looked the most straight I have ever looked. And I agreed, so few extensions, so few edges, so plain. 

My tarot cards today were the Emperor and the Empress... and in some circles that means union of divine masc and fem in one body... or partnership.  I am not sure I will even leave the apartment. So maybe I am just accepting myself today.