2025

I spent most of the day ignoring the day, the moment, the end of the year.  Other people are sending me texts of support, or wellwishing or whatever one does on the last day of a the year. 

We used to celebrate when I was young. 

After college, some of my friends would celebrate "old years eve on the 30th"  that was a funny tradition. 

I was never much of a partier, so the whole thing really hasn't been my speed for a while. They are having a party downstairs. Its oooonce oooonce ooooonce with a beat. 

I don't remember what we did last year, probably watched a movie and went to bed?  I should see if I have an entry. 

Yesterday I worked. I work again on thursday and Friday. It was ok, but my heart wasn't fully in it, because on Sunday Elsa and I had been chatting, and then on Monday she said she needed to put the boundaries back up and I knew she did... but it was hard to hear all the same. The reality that she was the biggest source of comfort and hope for me for over two years... or rather that our relationship was... and now we can't talk without  one of us having to set a boundary so we don't get heart broken more than necessary is like  "wow mature" and also really shitty. The same grief again and again. Its hardest in the first day or two, and within a few days it dissipates. But it doesn't necessarily mean it is replaced with something better.   I don't know what I want...

I really don't.  

I spent all of last week thinking I needed to figure out my future, and I never did. It was a gray sky and I was irritable... and I just didn't figure shit out. 

I promised myself I'd return to my book soon -had planned to all last week and never did. I started yesterday. Read half of 1A or whatever... then another half today, and started on 1B.  Added significantly to one of the Lucy chapters, then it got erased (45 minutes of writing), then I recreated it later in the evening, though probably not as inspired as the first time. 

I fell in love with the book again. I've been crying over the characters again. Awed at how the muse caught me in certain scenes. Very critical of how the narration keeps changing styles and point of views.  I will definitely need a good editor eventually. 

Reading it has made me want to keep going again. Maybe that's one conclusion I have come to at the very end of this year. That I want to start putting effort in more frequently.  

Looking at the last saved files, it has been years.  Leap frogged through the last decade.  It shows too. It shows that I started this project ten years ago, the technology, the politics, the state of the world (pandemics, wars, etc.)  have all changed since. How much do I want to incorporate? How much do I want to acknowledge, NO this is a different timeline... so that I don't have to worry about being "accurate" in my predictions. Better to let the timeline split earlier. The tech piece is probably the most difficult to salvage... do they have internet and smart phones and TikTok?  I have them passing jump drives, but that doesn't make sense with smart phones. Maybe they are finding ways to airdrop or transfer files through little cords. I need something more consistent.   But its funny... like TikTok wasn't a thing really ten years ago, and it is now... so the youth especially need to have that.  T swift is the same. So that works. Ha

So much work to do... but I enjoy it. I can write a scene and it can be crap, and I can edit it a thousand times later.  I can put out a book, and then not write the sequel for ten years... that could be a thing. 

I could make a website and say  10 more parts to come... and then never ever finish that, but pay for the upkeep on the website of course. 

I dunno. I am crying over imaginary characters I've created, and noticing how they each mirror people in my life (not entirely), but scenes I wish I'd experienced, and scenes I have experienced... and its all weird. Its so clear it is me and the things I project on the world. (though kind of dark as fuck). 

Anyway... I wrote down some new years words that i heard on the radio... words like "creative" and "play"  but my goals are still the same.  

I don't want to do a big retrospective of this year.  This year was hard... and there was plenty of good too... but it ends with recovery from a long relationship that was my biggest source of comfort and hope for the past two years.  And now I am trying to find comfort and hope in new things... and that's how the year ended. 

Old man yells at clouds

 Been waking up crabby. Gray sky. Have to be self determined. Focus. For instance, today I had meant to wake up at 7 and go to the dmv to get my license renewed, but now it’s 11:53 and I’ve been told it will be up to two hours.   

I couldn’t sleep last night. A combo of temperature, back pain, cat sitting (she was very active) and the door shifting back and forth (I assume it was just the air; but last night I was convinced it was a ghost for at least 20 minutes). 

I woke up, and then woke up again, and then kept waking up. 

Actually got up closer to 10 or 10:30.

Coffee and making sure the cat has its food and medicine. 

I was thinking all these dark things on the way here.  Like if I slip in the shower, how long till someone finds me? If I got into a car accident, how long till someone is notified?  It’s one of those times where my parents are out of town… mom and Steve and Grant are up north. My dad and his fam are flying to Florida today.   James and his fam are going to Puerto Rico soon.  When my dad was dropping off the cat, he said, just so you know there is an extra insurance policy talk to your uncle ted, but also it’s on my desk… and I couldn’t help but think about what would happen if accidents happened to my whole family in their various locations, and suddenly I’m alone. Like I said, dark thoughts. 

It’s raining in Minneapolis in late December. Been watching Instagram reels of radicals and wondering what is gonna change this world… and whether I will play any role in making change. I’m such a classic liberal clinging to my idea of being a middle class professional - you know?

All the people here (Ridgedale government center) look vaguely familiar. Copy cats of people I’ve known my whole life, the simulation is breaking down I guess. 

My back feels bruised still. I’m an old man and achy and crabby and dark. 

I’ve been wondering if I have too many options, too much freedom and that’s why I can’t make decisions. I can’t make decisions that are for me… that’s what it seems like. 

Daily goals: 

Spanish, exercise and either journaling, writing or art. Keep up with the household stuff, get one or two things done if not working. Eat relatively healthily. Maintain. Meditate? 

Longer term goals: 

-Meaningful work-business? teaching? Writing? Something that pays the bills and feels good. 

-Church on sundays, and maybe a class or group each week.

-Connection with friends and family weekly. 

-Do I want to own a house? Seems like I’m trying to keep up with joneses not necessarily excited about owning a house. Maybe a van down by the river? 

Bucket list:

What does starting a family look like now a days? Is it even an option?

What about world travel? Is that still a thing? (South East Asia, the Middle East, Spain and Portugal). Or more locally, DC, NYC, somewhere in the south? 

What about publishing a novel? Poems? 

Finishing that grandpa video? Sending it to your cousin…

I’m not sure what I’m delaying so much. I have the opportunity, but no motivation.  Maybe I’m afraid of letting people down or making mistakes and not knowing how to deal with it. Maybe I’m nervous about not having community and people around me in my work. But there are so many options, sign up with a different practice, do a co-op effort, get an office in a building with lots of other practitioners. Get a lawyer to help with insurance claims… 

I don’t think I’m worried about not making enough money… not really, I think I’m not even sure what to do with my time when it is self directed.  Its funny I go to work from 8-5 most days (that’s 9 hours), and I sit on my phone or on YouTube at work, instead of running errands or handing ing out with coworkers (doing that more lately), just sitting there for hours each day because “my work day” is 8-5. But what would I do with myself if my work day was 1-5? Or if I had a three hour window in the middle of my day? Or if I ended by 4 each day?  

I spend so much time just sitting on my phone or playing games or watching tv (not recently)… just wasting time because actually everything is fine or done and I don’t have the energy or creativity or motivation  to do more.  Go to bed by 8 or 9 pm because I’m bored. 

Maybe I’m scared of making my own structure because it’s hard enough already?

I dunno these all feel like big worries over nothing. All of this is super manageable and I’m just making excuses. People have real problems and I have too much time and too many opportunities. So silly. 

I might go get my hair cut today and pay money because o don’t have a mirror or someone to line up the back. Living alone is stupid. 

The day before the day before break

 To clarify I still have to work tomorrow. 7 clients too… 

I have work I should be doing today, but I am not very motivated. It’s like kids before winter break at school.

I am hoping to get some things in order for the future over the break, like maybe find an office and begin the process of leaving my job. Or decide I want to do something completely different. 

I want to engage in some practices like meditation, or maybe reiki. And do art, and read and write, and sit around a bunch… I’m worried I will do nothing and sink into depression. So I’m trying to give myself hints like - sign up for a class, have a checklist of things to do… etc. 

today I made this observation while waiting for my first client: “I spend a great deal of my time just forward of my body, predicting, anticipating, reaching, willing my body into the space I had just been, but I am already moving forward again. 

What would be different if I remained in my body, in my smile, in my stomach and chest, rather than floating through others experiences? 
Rather than tracking and predicting where they are headed, or judging because they don’t move into the space my mind designed for them?
What if I just was, in my body, as they were, in their body?”

If that looks funny it’s because it was typed somewhere else and the paste is weird…

I’m not sure I’ve spent much time thinking about that, as for many years I disliked my body and didn’t want anything to do with it. Now I’m more at peace with it, more aware of it as a vessel, sometimes even enjoy it.  

There is something about inhabiting your own face and being conscious of it… 

This weekend I might go gift shopping, or might stay in depending on how cold it is.  Maybe spent three days gaming. Maybe take a bunch of gummies and exit this plane of existence for a bit. 

I feel like I’m waiting on a sign or a pull, the tarot video I watched today said something to the extent of “the universe is waiting on you to choose a path, and you think you’re waiting on it. But once you choose it will conspire for you -and you’re having a hard time trusting it will be worth it. It’s ok if you miss out; but just so you know, it’s all waiting for you…“

To be the chooser… that’s my goal over this break. To make some decisions. 

But I’ve been tired this week. My attention is variable at best. I’d like to make the decision with out the eeny meeny miny moe     (Which is how I decide most things still you know…). 

Anyway… now I can add journaling to my list of things I did today. 

Will I do work now?  Will I read? Will I scour the internet for dopamine?

Accomplishments

 It’s 8:07 pm on Sunday Dec 15th. I turn 41 in one month. It’s probably because I’m listening to Damien Rice, or because it’s Sunday and quiet, or because I was just sorting old cards and notes people have given me or some combo, but there are moments of grief and doubt, and longing. 

Something is missing.

I went to church this morning. It was a lovely service. The fire ritual service… passing the light. They read a version of “the lonely ember” story. It felt like another push for community. 

After the service I made a smoothie, and ate by the large window in the bedroom. watched snl and played some Tetris. Then went and got art supplies at Michael’s, spent too much. Then spent even more for a massage at the mall. 

Then came home, did some Spanish - Duolingo, my dad texted about a walk. Why not? Did some laundry, headed out, came back and did more laundry and then art for an hour.

I’m trying to get in the habit again of doing at least 3 lessons of Spanish or 15 minutes a day. Trying to exercise everyday. Trying to write/journal or do some art every day. Clean something or organize something. 

Life feels positive. 

But something is missing. 

I keep spending too much time on my phone, keep distracting myself till midnight, iltosha, or scrolling… keep waking up to the depression of winter, fighting it off,  making the day productive, then again, then again. 

Tonight my organizing consisted of putting all the Christmas cards with the past cards and notes. Brief glimpses of the past, of illy and nova and Becky and laurel and students and coworkers and family going back at least 30 years… all sorts of people who have loved me, and who I have loved.And it felt like so much that I put it all in a plastic bin and tucked it away to be explored another day. Too much love, too much grief. 

I made a choice with my art project and I’m not sure how to fix it… I think it’s the point in the art project where I ruin it, and have to just accept that this is what it is. I can start a new one with all my new art supplies. 

Probably need to start having company more frequently… who to invite to my hovel? 

I have ideas of a future but I’m trying to just invest in my day to day.  Today I did Spanish, exercised, journaled, did art, and maybe now I will read?  Or scroll. 

It’s all been done. 

A day early this time

 Not even sure what I want to say...

Listening to music I love tonight.  A little Jeremy Enigk, some Led Zeppelin, the Mars Volta.

The day started with some difficulty. I was up till 2 or 3 AM, and so waking up at 8 was a bit of a challenge. I had wanted to sleep in, it was supposed to be a winter storm today afterall. I'd imagined sipping tea or coffee, covered in blankets, staring out the window and reading. .. but plans had been made... and that's a good thing. 

Went to Crosby Farms with the old teaching crew (lizards). Walked the cold forest, staring at the naked giants, so many fallen, columns succumbed to the wind and the shifting sandy soil. We trekked around catching up, talking primarily of the present, afraid to talk about the future? Letting go of the past with the occasional reference and the recognition of the haziness of memories. Who can recall past brain fog? past the stress of the day, the darkness of the future. 

And yet, it felt so good. Smiles and laughter, and connection.  I love these people, will always love them. I am inspired by them even a decade later. Feel awkward in my distance and yet still connected.

A few months ago I was so sad, so traumatized by the past that I wondered how it would be to reconnect after so long, and what I found to be true was that I was inspired again, ready to leap off the next launch with them. More than any crew of people... I trust them to jump with me. Its' weird. We are so different and yet... I don't know. I need more of them in my life. 

I understand why I had to leave.  But now, a decade later... maybe I am ready for something like that again.  I've had love affairs, and other jobs, and I've seen more of the world, and lived more places, and... still, who do I trust? who do I look to?  In lizards...   Maybe its because we built community during a formative time. Maybe because we trauma bonded.  Maybe because they inspired me further down a path. Maybe because they believed in me, took me in, loved and respected me...

Aryn gave us a book, the newest by the author of braiding sweet grass. Its a short quick, and inspiring/validating piece. 100 or so pages easily read at a spy house afternoon as the sleet came down. The book was about a "gift economy" or rather, a circular, collaborative, community economy that works for all. Not built on scaricity, but abundance, based on the reality that all things are gifts of the earth, and nothing can be taken without consequence, so... if you take with the idea of giving back, only take enough, circulate the wealth etc... then we live aligned with the earth instead of creating our own destruction...  We could be part of the forest, the plains, the deserts, the ecosystems...

So I was thinking of that, and staring out the window at spyhouse on Nicollet and considered the age of the trees, some within 20 years I am sure. Others probably planted 50 years ago?  Who remembers? Were they small when the houses and buildings were built?  These are the trees they decorate with lights to add a little joy to the city in the winter... Who remembers?   The other day I was thinking about how sometimes in life we try to create a legacy with our name on it, while other times we are grateful to let go of what we have done or left undone.      and I was thinking of how someone planted these trees and created the sidewalks around them so as not to allow the roots to destroy the walking path, and put grates around them etc... and... no one remembers who this was... or when it happened... I am sure there are records. But one day there were trees planted, and 50 years or so they are so much a part of the landscape that who would recall?

Victoria said there was a guy who was buying up old golf courses and returning them to forest. What a legacy... and yet if all humans died, no one would know the difference... In a 100 years, if humans are around, will they recall the golf course, or just see a forest and assume it was always there?

In teaching, and in therapy, there are these recognitions that you can teach an amazing lesson, or share an amazing insight, but the truest and best insights/wisdom will always be when the student/client adapts it and sees it as their own... like when they take that knowledge and internalize it to the extent that it wasn't your lesson, it was always theirs... their bright idea.  The best teachers and therapists create the conditions under which the other has these insights  (so they say)...

And is it any different with the rest of life?   Wouldn't the best legacy be to do something that becomes so incorporated into the lifestyle, the environment etc, that it seems natural, seems like it has always existed and life without it seems impossible?

I watched a guy debating marxism vs capitalism, and the guy was convinced that marxism was manmade while capitalism was inherent... and it was like... wow, its so ingrained we can't even imagine that there was/is life without it.

But these rules are man made. These days are man made. 

Maybe the one thing Luigi did, was to shake us up and remind us that the rules only apply because we believe them. The billionaires have no 'right' to their stolen wealth, we've just allowed it. A breath of fresh air. 

Or maybe its just me sooooo set in my fixed beliefs. 

I was thinking about that this afternoon, how easy it is -given my privileges, given my intellectualizing and rationalizing, and my type 9 desire to see and accept, and get stuck with this. Whatever this is. I can wade through it, so I accept it. I endorse it. When... well its not real.

I need people in my life who can challenge me out of my bullshit. I need new energy and new environments, and new experiences, and whatever... to remind me. Hey you're stuck in bullshit -and yes it is very much part of my white male experience. 

But I am also stuck in my what should bes.... like I can't make a business or a whatever... because I am supposed to make it like ------.  When really, it can be whatever it needs to be, and likely that means changing and growing and adapting to whatever happens.

Today I was thinking, I should run groups... maybe a free workshop. Get all the clients together and have them learn from each other. Create some community in the process.

Art classes?  Theater classes? 

What am I doing really?  The role of therapist in our society is sooooo fake. I have all this knowledge of humans, but really... not sure what its worth, unless in some sort of exchange that feels like it respects the soul of each person. Am I doing that lately?   

I dunno.

My art project is almost done... I am not sure if I like the outcome. I'd probably do a few things different on the next one. Will there be a next one?

Will i go to the workshop hours tomorrow?

Church in the morning. 

The tarot videos tell me everything is gonna change soon.  They also say be calm and accept divine timing. 

I've been wondering (as always I suppose), if I did the right thing, if I fought hard enough. Why I felt ready to move on... still feel that way when I miss her so frequently, when I still adore her presence...

It just feels like it wasn't the right fit. Something continues to signal that to me now... 

I miss her, I miss Simba, and its soooo weird to not have him under foot or around each corner. I think it hits me like 10 times a day. The place feels empty. 

5 more days of work and then a week off.

How to spend that time?  Should I find an office space and start a business in the new year?  Maybe Feb or Mar? 

I don't think I will buy a house unless something leaps out now. But I think my mom was right, I needed to define for myself what I liked again. 

Need more community. What does that look like?

My apartment smells like sage

 My apartment. I’m trying to get used to it. No longer ours. Not the place where I made a home with E for two years. Like a divorce everyone tells me. As she was saying goodbye today, she said “we spent every day together for over two years” and it’s mostly true. We exchanged goodbyes and sentiments, part of one another even if we can’t be together.  It was a blessing. 

It felt healthy. Even though it sucked. Like in previous breakups I got sick to my stomach. I cried my eyes out. 

I helped her grab things and said goodbye to Simba, knowing it will probably be the last time I see him in person. 

He was scared and sad. It sucked. 

It felt healthier today though. It felt like we were honoring one another, not full of bitterness. She was very loving, even if she probably wanted me to change my mind. 

We had a miscommunication about the tv. I thought I was buying the little one from her, she assured me she was taking that one and leaving me the giant one. I thought it was hilarious because neither of us wanted the thing that people fight over. 

I’m really sad. 

I also feel like I really needed to move forward, so even though it hurt all weekend when she would text and say she was moving stuff, I was also like… fuck, this is important and good, it just fucking sucks…

I’m worried about her. she keeps reminding  me she is not my responsibility. How I lost track of that… 

In some ways I guess the reason it felt healthy is that it felt like she was acknowledging that I really needed this even if it wasn’t what she wanted. That she understood I also had lost myself and that she was saying she loved me enough to let me go too. 

I tried to clean and organize and blah blah blah. I still need to do more. This week feels daunting, even though the tarot videos assure me it will be a profound positive change. 

It’s so quiet. No Simba following me around from room to room. I need to play music more often, maybe start the rock tumbler for some white noise. 

It’s been a really hard weekend.  Saturday I went for a walk with Rachel as Illy and Elsa moved more of her stuff. Today I went to church, saw illy and then my dad, crammed stuff in and then saw Elsa. 

Afterwards, it’s just been a struggle. It was good to do all those things’ I feel very loved and supported by my friends and family. 

I had work I needed to get done (says who???). I have more than enough time to get it done tomorrow and Tuesday, I am just worried I won’t be able to concentrate. It’s been hard to not want to distract… but I told myself on Friday night I was gonna stop doing that so much. (It’s been really hard not to). I set some limits on games and social media on my phone but who knows… I guess I just want to invest in myself and also engage in things more and the phone in particular has been a major distraction. 

Last night I watched The Family Stone, and it sure felt sad… 

I don’t even know what to say anymore except, I want to move forward and love myself, and invest in things that feel reciprocal and supportive, and meaningful. 

I don’t know what that is, but I need to start daydreaming AND taking action steps… need to level up I guess. Whatever that means. 

Sunday ritual

Has this become a ritual? Me talking to myself on a Sunday night, right before work and the week cycle begins again?   Will anything change?

I am wrestling with grief again tonight.  I often have this desire to call my mom for reassurance, "Am I making a mistake?"   "Am I doing the right thing?"    because sometimes it doesn't feel like it. 

This week was of course E's birthday and thanksgiving celebrated at two households, and would have been a third.  I had a hard time not reaching out more to E on her birthday, not promising her something or buying something extravagant to say "see, I still love you!".... but not like that.  A familiar in my life... the old I love you like a friend thing, even though I love you more than my friends... but I can't handle that, so lets be ok with this.  

Of course E has made it clear she can't be friends with me.  Hence the drama in my head and heart tonight. She was over here today. I don't know what she expected. At a certain point it felt like we were tiptpoing and that she wanted to be more real. So we got real. 

And I broke her heart again. And now I am wondering as I linger with my own grief and broken heart, why I have to do this? Why can't I go back to the denial I had before...  

That was the only real thing said today.... she said you fell out of love with me, and I said yes, but I didn't know until recently. Because I didn't.  I find myself miserable but hoping and praying every day that it would get better, wanting and wishing to love her... but I just couldn't.  But I do love her... I'm just not in love anymore.  She is someone I deeply care about and want the world for... and I broke her heart and sent her home again to live with her family.   We had some disagreements about hope and what not, about trying, about what we want... but I mostly just feel so sad.

I journaled about this on paper already, but I had a dream about this last night. I knew this was the outcome of today, and wonder today, in the midst of it, why I was choking back my truth, not wanting to hurt her feelings again, even though I knew the outcome. But I sat there choking on it... it felt so mean to just be honest about not loving her the way she says she loves me... but that was the whole thing... our feelings aren't enough to make us compatible. We have different visions of the future. Different goals. And she couldn't adapt to meet my needs, and I couldn't adapt anymore to meet hers... and it was enough. She pushed. I allowed it. We split and have been for 2 months. 

So why am I so sad tonight?   Maybe because it feels even more permanent?  Maybe because I had to tear the bandaid off again?  Maybe because this is the whole thing we have been doing for 3 years only this time I didn't save her from it... or save myself from it by playing a role and likely forcing myself into denial.  I really do love this woman, I just can't seem to figure out how to make things work.

But I am still at the point of not knowing what is next, or what to do about it... trying to stay present but also allowing some distraction.  My dream of a hard conversation last night, was followed by a dream in which I flirted with someone new. She was thrilling and a little scary, and it didn't feel right, but it felt good.  She was not a soulmate, or at least the way we met did not warrant that idea.  But we decided in the dream that we would adventure together for a little while. 

But that isn't what I want.  

I want a reciprocal partner. I want community. I want a new feeling of purpose. I want a family. I want roots and an aisle seat so I can get up and stroll before the flight attendant brings their cart around. I want a lot of things, and I didn't see them happening with E after those fights. I felt like she tore the foundations apart or revealed them to be faulty... and then what?   

I want to move forward somehow. I don't know what that looks like. A house seems like a silly idea. 6-12 months in Asia seems silly. A business in which I am alone most of the time seems silly. A church in which most of the folks are old and white, seems silly.

And yet, I am grateful for my handful of friends, and my family that actually got along well over the holidays, and a new car, and a decent place to live, and her cat. I can't imagine how much worse it would be without her cat. Simba has been sooooooo helpful. But eventually he will also leave. 

She says she'll rent a truck next time and that will be the end. Like a threat.  Even though she is just being honest. She says its too hard.  I understand. I made myself essential in her life, and then she pushed me out the window, and now she is wondering why I don't want to fight for us.  

But it just hurts my heart. Because I don't want her to feel this way. And I don't want to feel this way. And neither of us deserve the pain of it... or maybe we do. But...

Its funny, she asked me how the grief was... and I told her I've spent so much of my life afraid of feelings, and causing feelings in others... and its silly.  And yet, 30 minutes later... there I was again. Feeling so afraid, and do devastated the rest of the day. 

I am trying to practice thinking or imagining a future. What would it look like to feel liberated. To feel motivated. To live into life, rather than be afraid or avoid it... rather than be defeated by it.  

Instead of seeing barriers, to see possibilities. 

Could I be an author?  A teacher? A guru? A therapist? A father? a partner? An activist? An organizer? A business owner?  A pastor? An artist? A world traveler  Could I make attachments with 5-10 more cats?  

Maybe I should make my goals that simple, a list of things I have already done, or know how to do easily... Then anything else is just bonus.  That's how it feels sometimes. Sometimes I feel like all of this is just bonus. I already lived several life times. I have hundreds of friends, kids, clients, coworkers, cousins, companions, cats,  their names all forgotten.  I am already a dementia patient, I have lived and lived, and died and died. 

This is bonus. There is so much to be grateful for. And I am often grateful, appreciative, warm hearted on the inside, slight smile to the world.  I find things to laugh at. Ways to be amused. Small joys. I am delighted frequently.  Surprised occasionally. Made small seldom, and more often only when I choose it. 

My life is a treat.  And I want to share it.  

But I am not sure who with... 

I don't reach out. I don't connect very often with others. I choose isolation 90% of the time. 

Sometimes when i am reviewing my life with E, I get mad at myself for being soooooo comfortable with making our lives smaller and smaller.  We spent evenings and weekends at home. And I loved it, because I loved her, and didn't really want to share her much with others. 

The codependency was big. 

So big that I still daydream about paying off her bills, and buying her a house.

I wanted to secretly give her something for her birthday. I didn't want her to know it was from me. Wanted her life to be easier. 

But we are different.

She took care of me in ways I didn't need, but it still felt nice. A tiny example -making sure I had hair binders and stuff. She bought some big presents like the wood block world map, and I still haven't even used them because I thought we would have a home together soon.

Now I don't even really want a house again... it was just a dream for a bit.

Maybe the real grief is hitting today and what I've been dealing with was just denial.

Maybe its winter and I am recognizing the cold, and my loneliness, and lack of exercise. 

It's 8:07, I am ready for bed... 

I had thought I would have my own business by now, and that Elsa would be working, and that we would be trying for a baby, and that maybe we'd move out to a suburb.

None of that is happening... December 2024.

I wonder what will be different in a month?  Or by my birthday? 41... 

I hope I can maintain, or get back to (cuz I don't have it right now), that whole chance at a healthier embrace idea.   That maybe this needed to happen so that we could find our right partners...

because I was killing her with my judgment and my wanting her to be more like me in the logistics/stability department... and she was killing me with the whole I need you to give more when I was already doing everything because she would barely leave the house without my initiating it...       instead of both of us just saying, we are too different and this isn't working for either of us but we love each other and that's why it sucks so much.

cuz it is what it is.

Hopefully I'll dream of something more positive for the future. And then make that a reality.