Has this become a ritual? Me talking to myself on a Sunday night, right before work and the week cycle begins again? Will anything change?
I am wrestling with grief again tonight. I often have this desire to call my mom for reassurance, "Am I making a mistake?" "Am I doing the right thing?" because sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
This week was of course E's birthday and thanksgiving celebrated at two households, and would have been a third. I had a hard time not reaching out more to E on her birthday, not promising her something or buying something extravagant to say "see, I still love you!".... but not like that. A familiar in my life... the old I love you like a friend thing, even though I love you more than my friends... but I can't handle that, so lets be ok with this.
Of course E has made it clear she can't be friends with me. Hence the drama in my head and heart tonight. She was over here today. I don't know what she expected. At a certain point it felt like we were tiptpoing and that she wanted to be more real. So we got real.
And I broke her heart again. And now I am wondering as I linger with my own grief and broken heart, why I have to do this? Why can't I go back to the denial I had before...
That was the only real thing said today.... she said you fell out of love with me, and I said yes, but I didn't know until recently. Because I didn't. I find myself miserable but hoping and praying every day that it would get better, wanting and wishing to love her... but I just couldn't. But I do love her... I'm just not in love anymore. She is someone I deeply care about and want the world for... and I broke her heart and sent her home again to live with her family. We had some disagreements about hope and what not, about trying, about what we want... but I mostly just feel so sad.
I journaled about this on paper already, but I had a dream about this last night. I knew this was the outcome of today, and wonder today, in the midst of it, why I was choking back my truth, not wanting to hurt her feelings again, even though I knew the outcome. But I sat there choking on it... it felt so mean to just be honest about not loving her the way she says she loves me... but that was the whole thing... our feelings aren't enough to make us compatible. We have different visions of the future. Different goals. And she couldn't adapt to meet my needs, and I couldn't adapt anymore to meet hers... and it was enough. She pushed. I allowed it. We split and have been for 2 months.
So why am I so sad tonight? Maybe because it feels even more permanent? Maybe because I had to tear the bandaid off again? Maybe because this is the whole thing we have been doing for 3 years only this time I didn't save her from it... or save myself from it by playing a role and likely forcing myself into denial. I really do love this woman, I just can't seem to figure out how to make things work.
But I am still at the point of not knowing what is next, or what to do about it... trying to stay present but also allowing some distraction. My dream of a hard conversation last night, was followed by a dream in which I flirted with someone new. She was thrilling and a little scary, and it didn't feel right, but it felt good. She was not a soulmate, or at least the way we met did not warrant that idea. But we decided in the dream that we would adventure together for a little while.
But that isn't what I want.
I want a reciprocal partner. I want community. I want a new feeling of purpose. I want a family. I want roots and an aisle seat so I can get up and stroll before the flight attendant brings their cart around. I want a lot of things, and I didn't see them happening with E after those fights. I felt like she tore the foundations apart or revealed them to be faulty... and then what?
I want to move forward somehow. I don't know what that looks like. A house seems like a silly idea. 6-12 months in Asia seems silly. A business in which I am alone most of the time seems silly. A church in which most of the folks are old and white, seems silly.
And yet, I am grateful for my handful of friends, and my family that actually got along well over the holidays, and a new car, and a decent place to live, and her cat. I can't imagine how much worse it would be without her cat. Simba has been sooooooo helpful. But eventually he will also leave.
She says she'll rent a truck next time and that will be the end. Like a threat. Even though she is just being honest. She says its too hard. I understand. I made myself essential in her life, and then she pushed me out the window, and now she is wondering why I don't want to fight for us.
But it just hurts my heart. Because I don't want her to feel this way. And I don't want to feel this way. And neither of us deserve the pain of it... or maybe we do. But...
Its funny, she asked me how the grief was... and I told her I've spent so much of my life afraid of feelings, and causing feelings in others... and its silly. And yet, 30 minutes later... there I was again. Feeling so afraid, and do devastated the rest of the day.
I am trying to practice thinking or imagining a future. What would it look like to feel liberated. To feel motivated. To live into life, rather than be afraid or avoid it... rather than be defeated by it.
Instead of seeing barriers, to see possibilities.
Could I be an author? A teacher? A guru? A therapist? A father? a partner? An activist? An organizer? A business owner? A pastor? An artist? A world traveler Could I make attachments with 5-10 more cats?
Maybe I should make my goals that simple, a list of things I have already done, or know how to do easily... Then anything else is just bonus. That's how it feels sometimes. Sometimes I feel like all of this is just bonus. I already lived several life times. I have hundreds of friends, kids, clients, coworkers, cousins, companions, cats, their names all forgotten. I am already a dementia patient, I have lived and lived, and died and died.
This is bonus. There is so much to be grateful for. And I am often grateful, appreciative, warm hearted on the inside, slight smile to the world. I find things to laugh at. Ways to be amused. Small joys. I am delighted frequently. Surprised occasionally. Made small seldom, and more often only when I choose it.
My life is a treat. And I want to share it.
But I am not sure who with...
I don't reach out. I don't connect very often with others. I choose isolation 90% of the time.
Sometimes when i am reviewing my life with E, I get mad at myself for being soooooo comfortable with making our lives smaller and smaller. We spent evenings and weekends at home. And I loved it, because I loved her, and didn't really want to share her much with others.
The codependency was big.
So big that I still daydream about paying off her bills, and buying her a house.
I wanted to secretly give her something for her birthday. I didn't want her to know it was from me. Wanted her life to be easier.
But we are different.
She took care of me in ways I didn't need, but it still felt nice. A tiny example -making sure I had hair binders and stuff. She bought some big presents like the wood block world map, and I still haven't even used them because I thought we would have a home together soon.
Now I don't even really want a house again... it was just a dream for a bit.
Maybe the real grief is hitting today and what I've been dealing with was just denial.
Maybe its winter and I am recognizing the cold, and my loneliness, and lack of exercise.
It's 8:07, I am ready for bed...
I had thought I would have my own business by now, and that Elsa would be working, and that we would be trying for a baby, and that maybe we'd move out to a suburb.
None of that is happening... December 2024.
I wonder what will be different in a month? Or by my birthday? 41...
I hope I can maintain, or get back to (cuz I don't have it right now), that whole chance at a healthier embrace idea. That maybe this needed to happen so that we could find our right partners...
because I was killing her with my judgment and my wanting her to be more like me in the logistics/stability department... and she was killing me with the whole I need you to give more when I was already doing everything because she would barely leave the house without my initiating it... instead of both of us just saying, we are too different and this isn't working for either of us but we love each other and that's why it sucks so much.
cuz it is what it is.
Hopefully I'll dream of something more positive for the future. And then make that a reality.
