It was really funny how after writing that last post about not wanting to stray from my path, the next day and for several days after, I was bombarded with messages about how nothing will change if you don't change something. You have to choose a path. Not choosing is a choice in itself. The delays will cause you "needless" suffering.
Still, I didn't do much differently. I tried to join an online meet up... that lasted 15 minutes and then I went back to watching Hannibal. I made the decision (we shall see if it lasts) to stop playing computer games for a while after this weekend. I was thinking two months to see if anything changes. But I am pretty sure it will just mean more YouTube and Netflix as it has in the past. I am hoping to get back to reading, writing more, painting and drawing. I was thinking this morning that I probably need some structure to that goal -like maybe watch a class online and follow along. Or join a group of writers again. Or a book club that meets more frequently than once a month. I also bought Jackbox games and got zoom as a Christmas gift, so I could start a weekly game night.
At work I found out that my new coworker, who I had assumed is in his late 20s minimally, is actually only 24. He's a good guy, but I had assumed his confidence was actually confidence, not just swagger, and now I am wondering if it is good or bad to be swayed by that kind of energy. He brings up a lot of conversations that younger people have, because he is that age. It makes me feel a little more like my college self. In the enneagram, they say I should pursue more type 3 activities, be more outgoing, more on stage. Step up to be a leader in that way, rather than the poised and quiet self that I tend to stray towards. This dude is like that, and he encourages it. It's nice.
One of the topics of conversation has been around how much has changed between our generations. He is openly out, and not afraid of being himself. I struggle with that. Sometimes I find gay men a little histrionic, but I am also envious of the self-assurance (whether it is real or not). I sometimes wonder if I have retreated too much, shaved off too many corners, to be professional and to fit in. I take it as a badge of honor to not have to need people, or burden people, or worry people... but maybe that is the issue.
I guess I don't have much to say today. The coffee hasn't kicked in. My parents are texting for walks now that they are back in town. I spent a week alone and now everyone wants to hang right before I go back to work (eye roll). I am behind in some work, or rather, I will be stressed the first few days. I am not sure if I want to do anything about that. I know planning would be helpful, but I am also trying my best not to do work outside of work -more of a "fuck you to the system" kind of promise to myself than something I actually care about... I am very aware how easy it is to get lost in work, and also how easy it is to think that work matters and to believe that I am something more than a cog in a system.
What are thing things that matter? Hannibal season 3 (not as into it yet). Still haven't done an entire world conquest in EU4 even on easiest mode. Did clean most of the apartment even though it still looks like trash. Shave and a haircut.
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