Tell me something in your heart today. Maybe something you’ve learned. Or maybe share something in our past, how we met, something we share. Tell me about something you find beautiful/inspiring/nurturing. Tell me what lights your fire. Tell me about a moment that inspired joy or calm or contentment. Share a photo of me/us (with or without context). Tell me what’s bringing you pleasure these days. Tell me what you long for, where you ache, what your body and life are trying to help you understand. Drop your favorite gif or an adorable animal photo in the comments. Tell me how you’re taking care of YOU.
And anyway, I've been meaning to write or days. Meaning to... and then doing everything else (or really nothing else), just to avoid it. So I guess I will start with the questions.
In my heart today, I find a mixture of worry, disappointment, loss, loneliness and anger, and doubt. I was having a really good week last week, feeling very zen, feeling very "everything in its right place" and then one of my client's depression started kicking their ass, and I wasn't sure what to do about it... and then on Friday (my birthday) I got in an argument with Colleen. And then on Saturday, I heard my little brother confirm that he isn't in a great place either (though he would say the opposite). It felt like I had to let go, to say that I can't trust these people are headed in the same direction, because they aren't. We have different streams right now, and maybe they will meet up again some day, but now they are headed in different directions. And so I spent today hiding from people, and when my mom called I was kind of irritable, because I'd spent the last few days with family, and it was good, but it wasn't what I was craving. It wasn't reassuring. It wasn't secure. So my heart is worried, and disappointed, and lonely. It craves something it doesn't know how to find.
I had a dream last night that I was eating at a restaurant with my mom, and Dessa came over and asked my mom for her business card, because she was a fan of the work that Grant and my mom do... and I gave her my card, and my mom called me by the wrong name, and Dessa didn't take my card because she didn't know who I was. It was a weird dream. I had others too. I tried to sleep in as long as I could because yesterday I couldn't sleep past 8. I made it to 10:30 today.
Lately the thing that has been giving me the most life, has been work, clients and coworkers, and also this lady who does asmr/reiki stuff on YouTube/instagram. If it sounds pretty dismal, I agree, it's not very satisfying to realize its nearly 10pm and I am looking forward to watching more YouTube. But when I think about what was bringing me calm this week, it's this lady's videos, she made some funny ones, and an emotional freedom technique (~EFT) tapping video, and she's a good actress, so it makes you feel loved and soothed. I guess I could expand that to say, that the idea of connecting with the universe, feeling in the flow, the tao etc., makes me feel content and inspired. I am not doing a great job of focusing on them. I should probably shift my therapy practice to more mindfulness, I should probably have a meditation practice, and sage my apartment... but I probably won't.
I was thinking today that what lights my fire is having someone to care for. I don't do a good job of staying in shape, or avoiding sweets, or brushing my teeth when I am alone.
I've been thinking that the universe has been trying to give me the same message about having to take care of myself, and not others. How I threw my life away taking care of M, and got traumatized for it... but maybe I took the wrong message from that. Maybe, instead of complaining about how much it hurt to lose, I should look at how happy and fulfilled I felt (when I tricked myself into it), and say, see that's why you should keep taking care of others. But really who knows.
I've been watching clips from this show called "Alone" because my boss recommended them. She was going on and on about it, and so I started watching the 5 minute clips on YouTube. The show is a contest where survivor types go out in the woods and live alone with 10 items. Whoever lives the longest without tapping out or being medically evacuated gets a half million (or something).
Some people lose on the first day, some have made it a few months. It's the fears of the wilderness, it's the starvation, it's the boredom and loneliness that does them in. And while I have never done anything like what they are doing (remote locations and survival strategies), I can relate to their experiences soooo easily. The shame they feel when they lose (me getting burned and having to go home from Mexico). The fears they have when they get sick... oh I have felt that. The little injuries. The weather changes that sour your mood. The loneliness, talking to yourself, all that. I see myself in them. Some of them talk about how the trip changes them, makes it difficult to return to normal... I feel it so strongly. That weird disconnect.
I feel that weird disconnect all the time. Thats what life feels like. Even with my friends and family these days. I dunno, life seems to be on a loop. What is new? What is real? What matters? Does anything matter? It's hard to care, but I do... I still care too much.
Colleen and Steve and maybe even my Dad, believe it's all a big hoax played on us (pick your event: pandemic, invasion of the capitol, the government, the media, the communists, the greedy). And I can understand why it would be easier to say that, but then they complain about feeling victimized, and I am just like... "you're doing it to yourself" and it's bullshit. I have to force myself back into my shell to not try to save them from themselves with my anger. "You're turning into a nazi, and you don't even realize it." No mike, they are just the German people... just like all of us, it's too complex to care... they blame everyone else, because it's just too hard to care anymore.
I am 37.
At 7 my parents separated, I was lonely.
At 17 I went to Italy with my friends and even surrounded by people I was lonely (At least I think I was 17, I might have been 16 and this idea is off... but 17 would make more sense if I was a jr.)
At 27 ? I was doing Spirit of Truth stuff, and working my ass off. I was surrounded by friends/family and still lonely.
And 37? This year I am not at all surrounded, but the loneliness is still there. What will happen this year? I think I gotta tap into the universe more... release the kundalini energy ( ~the girl who I stole these questions from).
I think this is why I didn't want to write. I worried that I would be gloomy. The universe is full of opportunities, of possibilities, things change in an instant, and my gloom and lonely could evaporate in a second... but they emanate from me. My little doubts fused through every sentence. I am a dour person. Maybe that's why I get so angry at colleen and Steve and my dad, "don't you see you don't have to be alone?!?!" but we are doing it to ourselves. Our thoughts and actions, our own subconscious acting against us.
hehehe sometimes I think I am smart, and then I realize I am just delusional.
Sanity never came my way...
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