End of Jan

So where are we at?

Me, social life, work

On Friday and Thursday night, I had a couple of moments where I felt I slipped up at work. My shame/embarrassment, my humanity slipping through, I recovered, but did I do the "right" thing?  I dunno. Maybe I did exactly what I needed to, maybe the situation that pulls me from my confidence, was exactly what I needed to recognize that I am human despite my best efforts. Ultimately, the small breach and loss of confidence, could be the best thing for me and my clients. 

But in the moment, my doubts were admirably present...  I had some of those - "does what I do, even matter?" questions... can I spend a lifetime trying to "help" only to have an endless line of people needing more. Yes. It's infinite. And my attaching meaning to the ups and downs, will always mean that I am dissatisfied, that I am undone by my doing.  What a funny thing to recognize. 

I was talking to my Dad yesterday while walking around the lake. Talking -meaning I was ranting. For just a moment, it felt like we were on the same page. The microcosm is the macrocosm. The problems happen at every level, it's how we respond. Do we become cynical? Do we become less attached? Do we become hopeful? Does it give us energy or steal it from us?  Some cultures respond to corruption with a shrug, knowing that it isn't worth the effort to try to change, but without adding any attachment to the outcome they move on. Others respond with a complaint feeling defeated, hopeless. How will we respond?

I needed space this weekend. I didn't really want to hang out with anyone. Didn't want my energy shaken. Time to replenish my stores.  But it was funny because most of the week I was able to do these brief meditations, 5 seconds, a few minutes, visualizing the energy around me, protecting me, universal, infinite. Then Thursday and Friday I couldn't do it. My mind couldn't see the field of it, and my mood was subject to the situation at hand. I was not grounded, or tapped into the universe. I was swaying. 

I thought I might be getting sick. Small aches. No fever. A little dizzy. I haven't been exercising and I have been eating way too much. But it went away quick. I took some naps. I went and got a massage yesterday. I felt good most of the day. 

Awareness of the gray sky has been a constant... it doesn't help.

I had all these weird dreams all week. Very vivid, not emotionally charged, but still impactful, and then I would forget them, even though they created the trajectory for my day. 

Today I woke up, read my horoscope and it reminded me of the thought I had in the dream immediately preceding it... I was "dating" Becky again, but it wasn't a real relationship. I had the realization because instead of hanging out with me she was attending a training for something. I concurred that I was a placeholder until the next thing came along.  I was disappointed, but not shocked. In real life, I haven't thought of her that way for like 10-12 years? I dunno. It wasn't that I was grieving the loss, just that it sucked to be a place holder in people's lives. Thats been a common theme in some of my unrequited relationships. I guess it is what I have been thinking about M this week, the idea of someone not caring enough to even try to be on the same page, because you're not meant to be long term... disappointing, frustrating. 

I know there were a lot of people I could talk to or reach out to this weekend,- and I chatted with a bunch of people online. But I guess I was worried that in person, I wouldn't get what I wanted. I wanted to be internal, to think my thoughts. 

Early this week, I wondered about whether I should return to writing my book. If that would be a more "me" way of contributing. One of the things I liked about writing is the idea that it can have tangible influence beyond the moment. And anyway, I am not doing anything else with my time... but it feels very out of reach. I don't have the energy to be creative because I am working. And it feels like this is the push pull I experience in a lot of ways. Work pulls me away from myself. Friends pull me away from myself. My relationships pull me away from myself.  But what would a different life look like?  If I quit my job or was fired, how could I make writing worthwhile?

And work is very fulfilling. I feel more and more confidant in my abilities, and my place amongst the staff. I do tip toe around things, but I also feel like sometimes my long term mellow attitude, go with the flow attitude, is tripped up by the world's desire for quick change. I get wrapped up in it too. Thats what happened this week. I thought some of my students were able to go with the flow more than they were, and they reacted, and I was caught off guard by the passion of their reactivity... they shared how it felt to be treated that way, and I realized I could have communicated more directly...

How much of my job is manipulation? it made me question. It's not a real relationship, and being "in charge" of their progress, means I have to hold them accountable for behavior, while trying to persuade them it is safe to change.  More and more I am realizing, I also have to persuade my staff to see my point of view, and that is annoying. It's hard work. I am still trying to develop what I believe, but I am aware that although some of my coworkers have great instincts, they may not have the bigger picture.

Reading and writing. I started book three of the Gentlemen bastards series, and it is great again. Book two was such a slog, and felt so uninspired and hopeless (the second half of book two was better than the first). The third one has all the drama and hooks, but with energy again. You could basically cut the second book out and it would be fine. I've been trying to figure out the differences, because it is such a different read, despite being by the same author. One of them is love interests. That definitely adds. Another is the element of their childhood, you see the bigger picture not just the grown men being battered. A third thing is that they are in their element (more or less) again, rather than being hopelessly inept. In general, it's just fascinating how different the writing of the same characters/story can be. I imagine people who read long series of 10-12 books must have that feeling a lot. like book 4 sucks but the author gets good again with book 6... My writing certainly has some of that. I've been struggling to even write some sections because they are draining. How do you keep the energy alive while the character is experiencing depression, or stuck? How do you create the kind of drama that makes a reader want to keep reading, rather than get cynical and stop?  I stopped reading the 2nd book thirtyish times... it took months!  the third one I have read like 100 something pages in a single sitting. How does that happen? How do you make more of that desire happen...

When I was reading a song of ice and fire, I always had that thing where at the end of a section you wanted to read more of that character and were disappointed -even resentful that he was switching to the next one, but each time I had that feeling. 

I realized, my book is basically Dune in another form (with all the same overlap). And I am ok with that. Dune feels kind of inaccessible to a lot of people, but it is the same golden path theme, it's a book about humanity, and so it is bound to have the same themes and symbols.  In Dune, I feel like Frank Herbert just skipped entire things, making one sentence allusions to it (which the nerds pick up), and then replacing with some beautiful description that doesn't actually mean anything. In the later books, hundreds of years could be referenced in the blink of an eye (because characters see the entire history of humanity), but it feels almost meaningless to the story in the present tense -which is why the characters all go crazy, but the reader is left wondering which thing to focus on... the allusion to the larger philosophy? or the present moment of actual story? 

My desire with my writing was to merge those in a better way. To reference the philosophies, and have them play out in the story in a way that felt realistic.  What does it mean to real humans to experience that? What are the real consequences?  Not a sentence about how a billion humans are erased by the jihad (though I have those too) but the impacts of living through it, or dying in it. What does that feel like? Not to a god-emperor removed from humanity... but to the people around him. 

It really is the same story. I should probably reread all of the dune books to make sure I add something original. 

Maya Angelou on Facing Evil Courtesy of Bill Moyers

ehbejjhbv

 I had a bunch of interesting odd fun dreams this morning, but the only one I remember was N running around on the third floor of my mother's house, open space, back before they redid it. 

He looked skinny and smaller, that was the first thing I noticed. Later I concluded that he was younger, maybe 1 year old. His hair had been dyed blond. It was weird looking. He was happy chasing puppy, and then began to cry when it ran away and he couldn't reach it. He didn't know me, but he didn't not know me. 

No sign of his mom or sister. 

When I woke up I tried to figure out what the dream was about, and couldn't come up with anything. Maybe they are experiencing some life changes over there. Maybe its about my nephew who just turned 1. 

Maybe dreams are just random smatterings of misfiring brain cells. 

white light

 

This morning I stayed in bed, asking the universe for dreams of love. My mind went elsewhere, little distractions, big distractions, pulls of anger and fear.  Then I saw myself surrounded by white light. Everything was simple and present, and possible. The sun was shining, even though it wasn't. My body relaxed and felt healthy. My heart felt open. My mind felt hopeful. I was wrapped in the white light. 

It's hard to hold to this.

I find my shoulders creeping up, my muscles tightening, I have to remind myself to return to it every few minutes. I find myself navigating the same pathways in my apartment. My body reaching to do the habitual. I have to pull myself from it. 

I doubt this will last. But it would be a nice practice to return to this cocoon of light every few minutes or hours, or minimally daily. In this space the world is interesting, but I am not attached to outcomes. I want them, I seek the same old signs and fascinations, but I let them go just as easily. It would be nice to return to this. To be this. I feel like I would make decisions differently. I'd be more open to opportunities. I'd see possibility in every turn. 

Probably time is the real issue here. Too much time in the day leads the mind astray. 

That weekend tradition

 

This weekend is the same as every other one. 

I find myself wanting to escape from the loneliness by focusing on mindless entertainment. Avoiding the complexities. Not meditating. Not working. Not cleaning or organizing internally or externally. 

I found myself looking at old pictures, and gave myself some forgiveness, she looks happy enough, and I was ecstatic. 

I find myself dwelling on old relationships. Wondering why a hundred swipes on an app doesn't produce anything of note. Just like the majority of my life does not produce personal relationships.

This week I talked to some of my coworkers, realized how unhealthy many of them are -how they react so similarly to the students we are trying to help. As if the entire job is a hoax. 

I am tempted to look at the universe and see that nothing really matters all that much. No good or bad, no right or wrong, just existence. Its an unattached sentiment. I am not very attached except to the things I grasp to pull me away from the discomfort I feel in my body, my mind, my heart. 

Gonna go read a book. 

Love is a funny thing, how it carves.

Kate's questions

A girl I knew in high school asked Facebook folks these questions instead of sending her birthday wishes, and I thought it was a nice way of turning it around.

Tell me something in your heart today. Maybe something you’ve learned. Or maybe share something in our past, how we met, something we share. Tell me about something you find beautiful/inspiring/nurturing. Tell me what lights your fire. Tell me about a moment that inspired joy or calm or contentment. Share a photo of me/us (with or without context). Tell me what’s bringing you pleasure these days. Tell me what you long for, where you ache, what your body and life are trying to help you understand. Drop your favorite gif or an adorable animal photo in the comments. Tell me how you’re taking care of YOU.

And anyway, I've been meaning to write or days. Meaning to... and then doing everything else (or really nothing else), just to avoid it. So I guess I will start with the questions. 

In my heart today, I find a mixture of worry, disappointment, loss, loneliness and anger, and doubt. I was having a really good week last week, feeling very zen, feeling very "everything in its right place" and then one of my client's depression started kicking their ass, and I wasn't sure what to do about it... and then on Friday (my birthday) I got in an argument with Colleen. And then on Saturday, I heard my little brother confirm that he isn't in a great place either (though he would say the opposite). It felt like I had to let go, to say that I can't trust these people are headed in the same direction, because they aren't. We have different streams right now, and maybe they will meet up again some day, but now they are headed in different directions. And so I spent today hiding from people, and when my mom called I was kind of irritable, because I'd spent the last few days with family, and it was good, but it wasn't what I was craving. It wasn't reassuring. It wasn't secure. So my heart is worried, and disappointed, and lonely. It craves something it doesn't know how to find. 

I had a dream last night that I was eating at a restaurant with my mom, and Dessa came over and asked my mom for her business card, because she was a fan of the work that Grant and my mom do... and I gave her my card, and my mom called me by the wrong name, and Dessa didn't take my card because she didn't know who I was. It was a weird dream. I had others too. I tried to sleep in as long as I could because yesterday I couldn't sleep past 8. I made it to 10:30 today. 

Lately the thing that has been giving me the most life, has been work, clients and coworkers, and also this lady who does asmr/reiki stuff on YouTube/instagram. If it sounds pretty dismal, I agree, it's not very satisfying to realize its nearly 10pm and I am looking forward to watching more YouTube. But when I think about what was bringing me calm this week, it's this lady's videos, she made some funny ones, and an emotional freedom technique (~EFT) tapping video, and she's a good actress, so it makes you feel loved and soothed. I guess I could expand that to say, that the idea of connecting with the universe, feeling in the flow, the tao etc., makes me feel content and inspired. I am not doing a great job of focusing on them. I should probably shift my therapy practice to more mindfulness, I should probably have a meditation practice, and sage my apartment... but I probably won't. 

I was thinking today that what lights my fire is having someone to care for. I don't do a good job of staying in shape, or avoiding sweets, or brushing my teeth when I am alone. 

I've been thinking that the universe has been trying to give me the same message about having to take care of myself, and not others. How I threw my life away taking care of M, and got traumatized for it...  but maybe I took the wrong message from that. Maybe, instead of complaining about how much it hurt to lose, I should look at how happy and fulfilled I felt (when I tricked myself into it), and say, see that's why you should keep taking care of others. But really who knows. 

I've been watching clips from this show called "Alone" because my boss recommended them. She was going on and on about it, and so I started watching the 5 minute clips on YouTube. The show is a contest where survivor types go out in the woods and live alone with 10 items. Whoever lives the longest without tapping out or being medically evacuated gets a half million (or something). 

Some people lose on the first day, some have made it a few months. It's the fears of the wilderness, it's the starvation, it's the boredom and loneliness that does them in.  And while I have never done anything like what they are doing (remote locations and survival strategies), I can relate to their experiences soooo easily. The shame they feel when they lose (me getting burned and having to go home from Mexico). The fears they have when they get sick... oh I have felt that.  The little injuries. The weather changes that sour your mood. The loneliness, talking to yourself, all that. I see myself in them. Some of them talk about how the trip changes them, makes it difficult to return to normal... I feel it so strongly. That weird disconnect. 

I feel that weird disconnect all the time. Thats what life feels like. Even with my friends and family these days. I dunno, life seems to be on a loop. What is new? What is real? What matters? Does anything matter? It's hard to care, but I do... I still care too much. 

Colleen and Steve and maybe even my Dad, believe it's all a big hoax played on us (pick your event: pandemic, invasion of the capitol, the government, the media, the communists, the greedy). And I can understand why it would be easier to say that, but then they complain about feeling victimized, and I am just like... "you're doing it to yourself" and it's bullshit.  I have to force myself back into my shell to not try to save them from themselves with my anger. "You're turning into a nazi, and you don't even realize it." No mike, they are just the German people... just like all of us, it's too complex to care... they blame everyone else, because it's just too hard to care anymore. 

I am 37. 

At 7 my parents separated, I was lonely.  

At 17  I went to Italy with my friends and even surrounded by people I was lonely (At least I think I was 17, I might have been 16 and this idea is off... but 17 would make more sense if I was a jr.) 

At 27 ? I was doing Spirit of Truth stuff, and working my ass off. I was surrounded by friends/family and still lonely. 

And 37?  This year I am not at all surrounded, but the loneliness is still there.   What will happen this year?       I think I gotta tap into the universe more... release the kundalini energy ( ~the girl who I stole these questions from). 

I think this is why I didn't want to write. I worried that I would be gloomy. The universe is full of opportunities, of possibilities, things change in an instant, and my gloom and lonely could evaporate in a second... but they emanate from me. My little doubts fused through every sentence. I am a dour person. Maybe that's why I get so angry at colleen and Steve and my dad, "don't you see you don't have to be alone?!?!"  but we are doing it to ourselves. Our thoughts and actions, our own subconscious acting against us. 

hehehe sometimes I think I am smart, and then I realize I am just delusional. 

Sanity never came my way... 

Things change and stay the same

 

It was really funny how after writing that last post about not wanting to stray from my path, the next day and for several days after, I was bombarded with messages about how nothing will change if you don't change something. You have to choose a path. Not choosing is a choice in itself. The delays will cause you "needless" suffering. 

Still, I didn't do much differently. I tried to join an online meet up... that lasted 15 minutes and then I went back to watching Hannibal. I made the decision (we shall see if it lasts) to stop playing computer games for a while after this weekend. I was thinking two months to see if anything changes. But I am pretty sure it will just mean more YouTube and Netflix as it has in the past. I am hoping to get back to reading, writing more, painting and drawing. I was thinking this morning that I probably need some structure to that goal -like maybe watch a class online and follow along. Or join a group of writers again. Or a book club that meets more frequently than once a month. I also bought Jackbox games and got zoom as a Christmas gift, so I could start a weekly game night. 

At work I found out that my new coworker, who I had assumed is in his late 20s minimally, is actually only 24. He's a good guy, but I had assumed his confidence was actually confidence, not just swagger, and now I am wondering if it is good or bad to be swayed by that kind of energy. He brings up a lot of conversations that younger people have, because he is that age. It makes me feel a little more like my college self. In the enneagram, they say I should pursue more type 3 activities, be more outgoing, more on stage. Step up to be a leader in that way, rather than the poised and quiet self that I tend to stray towards. This dude is like that, and he encourages it. It's nice. 

One of the topics of conversation has been around how much has changed between our generations. He is openly out, and not afraid of being himself. I struggle with that. Sometimes I find gay men a little histrionic, but I am also envious of the self-assurance (whether it is real or not). I sometimes wonder if I have retreated too much, shaved off too many corners, to be professional and to fit in. I take it as a badge of honor to not have to need people, or burden people, or worry people... but maybe that is the issue. 

I guess I don't have much to say today. The coffee hasn't kicked in. My parents are texting for walks now that they are back in town. I spent a week alone and now everyone wants to hang right before I go back to work (eye roll). I am behind in some work, or rather, I will be stressed the first few days. I am not sure if I want to do anything about that. I know planning would be helpful, but I am also trying my best not to do work outside of work -more of a "fuck you to the system" kind of promise to myself than something I actually care about... I am very aware how easy it is to get lost in work, and also how easy it is to think that work matters and to believe that I am something more than a cog in a system. 

What are thing things that matter? Hannibal season 3 (not as into it yet). Still haven't done an entire world conquest in EU4 even on easiest mode. Did clean most of the apartment even though it still looks like trash. Shave and a haircut. 

Cyberpunk X Buddhist Chanting 'The Mantra of Light' [Loopstation RC-505]