Anxious thoughts

This whole post was written before I had enough coffee to spell check properly.

Tarot readers often talk about foundations.
Its actually really interesting how there is this whole language of symbols and meanings, not that the term foundation is so different from any other use of the word, just that they see it as and essential day to day thing to discuss, and the rest of us rarely consider it. In social work we might consider their systems and supports.

What are my foundations?
Family; but it's pretty divided. The niece and nephew brought everyone together, and now quarantine has split us again.

Work; most of my energy goes here, and I get most of my purpose from it.

Friends; struggling, but still in touch with peeps.

Church;  more like spirituality, I was attending the UU church, and now because of quarantine I do not.

Body; I guess my walks lately have been the biggest self care.

Safety net; the reason I don't live my life in paralyzing fear.

Apartment; it's solid. But I also wonder what next and if I need something else to make me feeling like I am moving forward in life.

Cat????? people keep telling me to get one. I have doubts about whether that would be a good thing. I think I could too easily become neglectful of myself (read: future opportunities). On the flipside, maybe it would help me balance my next relationship... like, I would stay over but I have to feed the cat. Giving me a reason to have boundaries.

The heart: its strong, but so tender...

The mind; it's squishy...

When the mind is a barrier:
I've been having a lot of anxiety in my body and mind, and I rarely question it directly. It feels like I am exhausted, or lack creativity, or desire something to balance me. I want to control the things that I have no control over. However, my thoughts are fairly controlled right now, but they aren't always helpful. I am pretty sure what is happening is that I am taking on low vibes from my clients and others, and then trying to metabolize it.  I am struggling to figure out how to keep the balance, because it seems like no one has capacity right now. I go for walks. I pray and meditate. I sing and dance a little. I sage. I send people jokes. I write and write. I watch funny stuff.

I find it interesting how other people are able to do this without taking it on. My mom for instance, rarely seems all that impacted by people's stuff. For me, I have to consider what it feels like, not just what I know about it. It's not just knowledge... I guess, it's more than that. Life is full of suffering, and people need to know that they aren't alone, that someone hears them. But how to not get stuck with them???? In social work school they talk about how you don't want the extremes in empathetic responses, don't take on their stuff, and don't ignore it.
The pivot of "I feel you, and you can make the change." is a hard one.

What happens is that after all the human life stuff, I run into my own existential and personal stuff. This week I had to sage myself and my space about 5 times. Each time it felt really helpful in letting go. I think I should probably make this a daily practice.  I know some people shower or take a bath at the end of the day, I could probably do something like that too but I like showering to start the day.
So what happens after I am done thinking through their stuff, is that my own doubts wander in.
Doubts in relationships, doubts in work, judgments of myself, fears that I can't do more, fears that I can't rely on people and I am alone. My circumstances mirror so many of my fears that I can't tell if it is just evidence or misperception.

Being "good" is a big part of this.
Being seen as good, or liked.
I worry about this stuff.

When the guy who was "hiring" me was looking at me with doubts, I continued to front -professionally, but I was also feeling like it just confirmed my own fears. I am not good enough yet, not mature enough, speaking without experience, full of shit, despite all the feedback I get from supervisors and coworkers and blah blah blah. I keep fearing this workshop as if it isn't something I've done before. I keep feeling like it's a make or break moment when, yes it could open up opportunities, but I may not even want them, and no, if it goes to shit, the worse thing that would happen is that I don't get invited back, and some parents get snooty. Thats their shit and it's perfectly acceptable for them to not like me. I am offering the knowledge, and a little love their way.
I think the thing is that I take that soooooooo seriously, and I want people to recognize that. And they won't always. They may not take the time to know me, just long enough to have a judgement, their first impression may be to run. -and if it is, that's not my shit to worry about.

Rejection?  Maybe that's what I am afraid of.  Feeling rejected by others sure doesn't feel good.
With some of my perfectionist clients, I sometimes joke that we might have to do exposure work and force them to fail.  Maybe I need to practice getting rejected. Take on a few opportunities, or ask a few people out, and get rejected.

My mind returns to the most recent rejection, but of course I can summon up a few handfuls when I want to beat myself down. I have to argue soooo hard with myself to not be overcome.

But the truth is I am not loved by everyone, some of the people I have loved the most, didn't want my heart. Didn't know what to do with it.  Thats the truth. I have a hard time letting that stuff go, it gets brought back up whenever I am trying to figure out why I can't call anyone, or why I am not in a solid relationship... its pretty easy to point to stuff and say "Cuz uh, you're clearly too much for most people." or the equally mean spirited "They might be happy to have you in their lives to make them feel better, but then they don't give a fuck..."
But honestly I just take a lot of my friends and family for granted. They are here when I need them, and I don't honor that enough, nor do I ask enough.
Got to get over myself.






Been listening to a lot of Mason Jennings lately, its the mix of love and faith and questioning I think. I bet he is way less zen than he projects, I bet he is an anxious mess like me sometimes.


"And all I do is doubt you, God. All I do is love you, God. All I do is question you. What else can I do? This world was never solid ground. The past is coming back around. All I do is search for you. What else can I do?

And when I say I search for you, I mean I search for peace, I search for hope, I search for love, and one day for release."