lower back ache

I keep a lot of my stress in my lower back. It's interesting because I recognize I am leaning forward, and tightening.

My family is worried about my little brother again.
My parents ask me for help, my siblings ask me to support him.
I am trying to remember that we can't live his life for him, not let his struggles throw our lives off balance. But it happens anyway.

Family systems: He was doing alright, and the family was focused on my older brother's kids. That felt good. Now my older brother's family is in quarantine. Everyone is stressed again, everyone is already at capacity, and of course my little brother with his self medicated mental health, loses his structure, his yoga studio, his purpose... and all the symptoms flare up.

I told them I would reach out today. I have a lot of work to do, PLUS I was hoping to start some of my own projects, something for me. But I feel pulled and resentful.

What do I do with this? I overthink. I tighten up, I watch a bunch of youtube. I think about the things I need to get done. But the guilt is there. Instead of focusing on my own stability, I feel scattered and pulled in too many directions. Feel like I am letting someone down now matter what happens. Feel like I am losing my own life to ensure others are ok.

This is my role. This is supposed to be where I make a different decision. But I can't focus.
Maybe its easier for me to play the role than to live my own life. Maybe this is me giving in.
Maybe I don't need my own projects right now, I need to "save" someone else.



I called. Within moments I can tell he is not manic. Defensive and stubborn sure, but not dysregulated. 2 hours and 40 minutes later, we end politely with reassurances.
I feel fine, and recognize my parents' concerns make sense but aren't necessary.
My brother is my brother. He still needs the things he's always needed. He is still unsure how to get them, how to ask, how to behave in ways to get them appropriately. But nothing is new. He will always be like this. He will always need guidance (as we all do) and struggle to take it once it is given. He will be slow to learning the things that people have been telling him to do. It will take 10 years when it could have been 10 minutes. But he has to do it himself. He is the very definition of an experiential learner. And he will learn, but painfully.

It makes sooooo much sense why I am a therapist and teacher.
Why I take on care taker roles.
It is a crisis, and I am in the middle of it, able to extend myself to see and hear, and speak for.
Exhausting.

I need to go back to my things.
I have work to do. I have projects.
I have my own friends and my own concerns.
Will I be able to switch directions?