Lacking

I find myself slipping out of life these days.
Work, investing in others professionally, seems to be my anchor to this reality. A long hard day, and then what is left afterwards?

I wake up and think of a life time ago.
I have dreams that seem more real than my actual life (there are people around in my dreams).
I watch youtube, netflix, play little games, read books, go for walks by myself.
But what is life without connection? Without someone investing in you?

Rachel and I went for a walk and talked about the things that are missing.
Illy and I went for a walk and talked about how we need to avoid talking about heavy things to not weigh each other down.
The social interactions feel connective, but not foundational.

But also:
My step dad and step brother dropped off furniture from my mom's office.
My dad had a birthday party.
Life moves forward.



I had a dream this week that was hard, but real.
I was repairing with a love, letting go of the attachment to the pain/hurt/abandonment.
It wasn't pleasant. But it was true. It felt karmic. The person transformed a number of times, looking like old friends I have abandoned, but the character had left me instead and so I was repaid for my mistakes, and in hearing from them, I could forgive myself and them.
And then I woke up, and life felt unreal.

I think the thing that bothers me, is that I could slip away from this life without it mattering.
I walk down the street and see myself as just another thing in the midst of things. A tree, a human, a bus, a sign, a sidewalk. None of this is any more important than the next, but I want to be important, I desire being special. My ego is soooooo afraid of being nothing.

I do a little assessment, a little reframe.
The trick they say, is to see it as an opening. As preparation. As an invitation.
The mystery will reveal itself with time.
The vacant space will be filled.
The lessons will be learned.
The next thing will always come.

But in the moment, it often feels like I am a pawn in my own life... a ghost of myself.