End of Nov

I should be doing the case notes and paperwork I have to complete before tomorrow. 
But I am distracted. 
Distracted by a ghost. 
I was thinking today, how easy it would be to break the silence, email, text, call even. 
There is no barrier there, other than the possibility of rejection. 
And I have been rejected. So why am I afraid?

What am I so afraid of in life?  Like really...
What are my fears, and how are they shaping my life, limiting it, molding it into something less special?  I've been feeling overwhelmed, and cut off from myself and the world. The world does not feel like it wants to reward outlandish behavior, be more conservative, have boundaries, rules, etc... 
but why? 
Only to protect myself from fear and hurt, right?
I am hurt!  I am angry!  I loved someone and I don't know why they don't want to talk to me anymore... that's what is.

But I am quitting my job this week. And I don't know what the future holds. Probably more pain, more heartache, more jealousy and insecurity and failures and embarrassment... and probably that's fine. I can deal with that. 


I was thinking the thing that pisses me off about the current situation is that I vacillate between thinking she is a capable person, who chose to hurt me and is therefor an asshole OR an incapable person who doesn't know how not to hurt me (and herself and others) and therefor is deserving of pity.. and either way, that's stupid. It's not accurate. It's not the truth. It's not real... She is neither a monster nor a child, but these circumstances have painted a stupid picture.

What picture am I choosing to paint?
Is the world hostile or abundant?
Am I capable of loving, and giving, and being loved? or am I a pity party?
Why choose victimization when you can choose empowerment?

So.... I am writing this because I really need to do a deep dive on my fears, and my perspective and my choices and behaviors in life. 

My heart hurts, but I don't need to be afraid.