The Darkness

This week was hard. Last weekend I was too alone, and it was too cold. I haven't been able to go for the walks I might normally go on, the sky is gray, it snowed last night, and my job has gotten more stressful even though I am leaving in 4 weeks. I have told some of the families I am working with. A few people around the office know. But generally things are still moving forward as if they weren't gonna fall apart.

I just began the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron a buddhist nun. I just finished the book "Its ok to laugh, crying is cool too." By Nora Mcinerny.

Last weekend and at the beginning of the week, I fell into a depression. I was lonely, and couldn't find my own thoughts or voice, I wasn't sure of myself, I wanted to laugh, but kept crying instead, my thoughts swirled so much that I began feeling crazy. I couldn't remember what was up and what was down, and all I knew was that I was heart sick, and wanted someone to love me. Not any old person, but someone specific. I couldn't imagine getting through anything without the reassurance that Molly cared about me, and it felt so urgent that had to spend moment after moment reminding myself that I could urge surf through it. I was fine when I was with my clients, but almost every other thing felt stupid and I felt lost. I was irritable. I wanted to snap at people. I wanted to say, do you really think I have anything left for you right now?  The urgency of it, and my swirling thoughts, and my guilt, and my shame, and my self-belief that I was incredibly stupid for falling in love with someone who clearly didn't care about me drowned out almost everything. I began to have suicidal thoughts.
That really scared me.
I understood that they were thoughts of escape, more than a desire to die, but it was difficult to figure out reasons why I wanted to live, and that is a scary place to be.  I tried to practice gratitude. Or rather, I did practice gratitude, and it made me feel better for a bit, but this depressive mood continues to hang over me.
I went out and bought more vitamins, started using my happy light for light therapy, made myself walk to the store a couple of times because I wasn't getting my normal walk around the lake in, and reached out to a couple folks. I went to the doctor on Thursday morning before going to my own work of 3 long appointments with clients, and at the doctor I told the nurse that I was struggling with anxiety and depression, and when she read my blood pressure I began to cry and felt like I was gonna have a panic attack. She asked if we should proceed with the flu shot and the doctor appointment and I tearfully said yes.
For 20 minutes I sat around in the room and practice deep breathing, and tried to remind myself of what I was going to say to the doctor, and it kept making me cry. I felt defeated. I had to fill out a depression and anxiety scale. I had to admit to myself that I was miserable. I had to acknowledge that all the things I was doing to pull myself up weren't enough and I needed more help.
The doctor was nice about it. She understood and didn't stigmatize me at all. I listed off coping skills and things I was doing as if I was the healthiest person ever... and still had to admit that I was out of my mind. That all my head kept saying was "Reach out to her, or your life is meaningless."

I've been playing around with the ideas of co-dependency lately. I feel like my anxious attachment stuff is super real, but its hard to objectively state why I should or shouldn't feel a certain way.
I had a relationship that I convinced myself was going to be the direction my life was taking, and I put other things on hold to invest in it. It didn't turn out well, and now I am not speaking to that person because she doesn't have the energy to take care of my heart. It feels like I have been ghosted, but I asked her for the time away. The urgency and guilt and confusion, feel like I missed a dose.

I've been here before. Numerous times.  This is part of my pattern of love.

I know I need to do things differently next time, but I am unsure how to do that.
I fall in love with people. Recognize their humanity. Their soul. Forgive their mistakes easily. Take on too much responsibility. Struggle to let go, even as they push me away.

I need more practice. But each time feels like it makes it harder to love, I am afraid of being hurt.

I watched a series of videos that helped offer me some objective perspective (school of life), and it was great because I recognized that I was still trying to take control/responsibility for her actions, choices etc, and that ultimately that is not a relationship.  I don't want that. I got angry with her for a day -why can't you figure your own shit out? Own it? Talk through it? So I can forgive you for real, so that I can move forward or at least have an understanding of what the hell I've done with my life. As the video says, I keep thinking she is on the cusp of changing... because to me we had so many good times that it seems weird that she wouldn't want to keep that.  But maybe they weren't that good?  or maybe she has found something better? or maybe she doesn't believe she deserves better? --- I can think of 50 reasons why she can't or won't come back to me -all of which I would readily acknowledge and forgive in order to maintain some level of connection, but the reality is that it is her responsibility if she wants a relationship with me. If she wants any kind of connection, it is on her to try.
But, I don't need to blame her, either. I need to hold her accountable, otherwise it isn't a relationship.
I've decided I shouldn't reach out unless she does. It's really hard.
I need to love myself. Treat myself with as much compassion and forgiveness and love as I would her. But that's hard to do. It's really hard.

Humans aren't meant to live like this (isolated).
We are meant to be in groups, in families.
Our work is not meant to kill and deprive us,
it is meant to provide and nurture.
Everything in my life is slightly off.
I need a little help getting it back on track...
I'll have to work on it.