End of November

It's Thanksgiving.
I have been feeling ok, but kind of sad all day.
A family member works with Molly, and the idea of getting information from her was difficult not to ask for. But I didn't want to throw her in the middle, since they still have to work together. I've been going back and forth on things all day like that. Missing the idea of get togethers with her. Missing the fantasies I had of us spending our lives together. Missing little things we did together and how I often felt content to just be near her.
Then again, it's also easy to turn the hurt or grief, or longing into anger. And a couple times today I had to remind myself that she hasn't treated me very well, in order to not reach out and say happy thanksgiving. Etc. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but why am I always the one making contact?  -Its easy to get caught up in the fantasy that she still loves me, and also easy to remind myself that she doesn't. Oh well.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am also pretty confident I can get it done. I am not sure if I want to go to sleep now and wake up early (feeling like this is the best option), or stay up late and get some work done now.

I didn't sleep well last night, and my stomach hurts from eating too much today.
It should be a pretty easy day. Stop by to say goodbye to a few clients and get a bunch of paperwork done.


I've been feeling better about a lot of things lately (until today). I suppose holidays are hard.
It was helpful to remind myself that I am afraid of heartbreak, and rejection, and loneliness, and not knowing what I am doing or when I will be content again.... but that I am already facing these things, so it's not that things will get worse. Just more of the same. And I can handle that.

I am looking forward to watching netflix and playing computer games, and writing and reading, and getting bored.
I am also nervous about jobs. But I can take a week or two to consider options before I start applying... and even my boss said he would be a reference.

Oh well. Sleep?
It's the loneliness that gets to me, heart ache, stomach ache, head ache. But mostly I am just lonely.
I miss having someone to love.