Reading a bunch of books right now. Some my therapist recommended, some from church, some that looked interesting.  Pema Chodron's "When things fall apart"   and Sheldon Kopp's "If you meet the buddha on the road, kill him!" and will probably start Gary Zukav's "The seat of the soul"

They have me in that strange space where I am both seeking clarity and finding comfort in ambiguity,   the joyful acceptance of what is. But they also peak my curiosity, my ambition, my desire to live an exceptional life, whatever that means. The life if the guru, the prophet, the visionary, the shaman, the healer. I want to do mushrooms and run away to the amazon. I want to spend a year in a monastery. And also some part of me wants to relax, play computer games, and some other part of me wants a partner who can remind me back to my best self, and also delight in my boring self. A comfort.

I started crying for a brief moment. The story of the Lamed-vavs from Kopp's book (page 23). "He need only be open to the suffering of others, knowing that he cannot change it. Without being able to save his brothers, he must let himself experience their pain, so that they need not suffer alone. This will change nothing for man, but it will make a difference to G-d."

The heartbreak isn't present right now. Last night her picture kept popping up on facebook because I had been searching, and so now facebook wants us to be friends. The heartbreak isn't present right now, but I know it is still hanging in the air around here somewhere. I was shocked by how beautiful she is, it is a really nice picture. I keep trying to figure out why I am so drawn to someone who doesn't seem to care enough about me to reach out. I am drawn to her beauty and her youth, and her immaturity even though these things also push me away. I like the contrasts in people, the complexity, the unacknowledged truths. Like she is incredibly capable and totally inept, and I find it fascinating. How often did I just sit there watching, curious about all of the subtle thoughts and feelings I experienced in her presence? A canvas unfurling infinitely. I am drawn to people who provoke all the feels. And I am devastated by them again and again. And maybe that is the point.
Maybe this is what should be for me. Not a life time companion, comfort and serenity, but a constant push and pull until I learn to create the harmony within myself (breathing).

Embracing fear, heartbreak, pain and suffering, embracing longing and despair and loneliness, embracing them for what they are, such a reflection of their counterparts.

This life of sitting in coffee shops and reading, and people watching. I miss it.
I want to be a writer. I want to make art. I want to give back, teach and listen. But I want it without a pricetag and rules, without billing codes and paperwork. Something more natural and human.

So many books to read. So many people to explore.

Time off

I woke up to the familiar loneliness, the lack of structure, the headache coming soon.
I knew if I didn't move it would all consume me, so instead I grabbed my things and ran to the familiar. I am reading books, and feeling grateful that I have time to sit. Time to process, and time to be curious, and time to let go. In this state, I don't need to grasp. There is a certain amount of contentment even in the discomfort. I recognize the polarizing attachments. Recognize my desire to tell stories so that I have something to hold onto. Recognize and amuse myself. Building sand castles,  attaching to the story, watching them get swept away. 
I want to spend some time practicing inviting the feelings in. All of them. Be the guesthouse. Be a welcoming host. Getting to know what they have to teach. Finding some truth, whether it be in following my soul's journey, or G-d's or recognizing that none of it matters at all and escaping samsara for a millisecond.  I don't have any answers. But I would like to be curious. I would like to people watch, get to know myself and you. 

I've got no job,
no kids,
no partner,
no pets,
paid the rent,
and no substantial debts,
in need of nourishment,
yet of these prospects,
I'm circumspect,
tell me which
is heaven sent
and I swear
I'll bend my will, this time
for the blessing.

End of November

It's Thanksgiving.
I have been feeling ok, but kind of sad all day.
A family member works with Molly, and the idea of getting information from her was difficult not to ask for. But I didn't want to throw her in the middle, since they still have to work together. I've been going back and forth on things all day like that. Missing the idea of get togethers with her. Missing the fantasies I had of us spending our lives together. Missing little things we did together and how I often felt content to just be near her.
Then again, it's also easy to turn the hurt or grief, or longing into anger. And a couple times today I had to remind myself that she hasn't treated me very well, in order to not reach out and say happy thanksgiving. Etc. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but why am I always the one making contact?  -Its easy to get caught up in the fantasy that she still loves me, and also easy to remind myself that she doesn't. Oh well.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am also pretty confident I can get it done. I am not sure if I want to go to sleep now and wake up early (feeling like this is the best option), or stay up late and get some work done now.

I didn't sleep well last night, and my stomach hurts from eating too much today.
It should be a pretty easy day. Stop by to say goodbye to a few clients and get a bunch of paperwork done.


I've been feeling better about a lot of things lately (until today). I suppose holidays are hard.
It was helpful to remind myself that I am afraid of heartbreak, and rejection, and loneliness, and not knowing what I am doing or when I will be content again.... but that I am already facing these things, so it's not that things will get worse. Just more of the same. And I can handle that.

I am looking forward to watching netflix and playing computer games, and writing and reading, and getting bored.
I am also nervous about jobs. But I can take a week or two to consider options before I start applying... and even my boss said he would be a reference.

Oh well. Sleep?
It's the loneliness that gets to me, heart ache, stomach ache, head ache. But mostly I am just lonely.
I miss having someone to love.

Its funny to read all the poems I wrote about her before we were a couple.
Because they are as true now as they were then. I am a fortune teller. I told myself I was losing myself in her, and that I wanted to, and then I did, and then I was lost so much so, that the same questions resound in my head so many moments later...  how much does the whale miss you?

End of Nov

I should be doing the case notes and paperwork I have to complete before tomorrow. 
But I am distracted. 
Distracted by a ghost. 
I was thinking today, how easy it would be to break the silence, email, text, call even. 
There is no barrier there, other than the possibility of rejection. 
And I have been rejected. So why am I afraid?

What am I so afraid of in life?  Like really...
What are my fears, and how are they shaping my life, limiting it, molding it into something less special?  I've been feeling overwhelmed, and cut off from myself and the world. The world does not feel like it wants to reward outlandish behavior, be more conservative, have boundaries, rules, etc... 
but why? 
Only to protect myself from fear and hurt, right?
I am hurt!  I am angry!  I loved someone and I don't know why they don't want to talk to me anymore... that's what is.

But I am quitting my job this week. And I don't know what the future holds. Probably more pain, more heartache, more jealousy and insecurity and failures and embarrassment... and probably that's fine. I can deal with that. 


I was thinking the thing that pisses me off about the current situation is that I vacillate between thinking she is a capable person, who chose to hurt me and is therefor an asshole OR an incapable person who doesn't know how not to hurt me (and herself and others) and therefor is deserving of pity.. and either way, that's stupid. It's not accurate. It's not the truth. It's not real... She is neither a monster nor a child, but these circumstances have painted a stupid picture.

What picture am I choosing to paint?
Is the world hostile or abundant?
Am I capable of loving, and giving, and being loved? or am I a pity party?
Why choose victimization when you can choose empowerment?

So.... I am writing this because I really need to do a deep dive on my fears, and my perspective and my choices and behaviors in life. 

My heart hurts, but I don't need to be afraid. 

Mid november

It's a Sunday. I'm not sure how I feel about Sundays anymore. 
I enjoy going to church (though I should have had some coffee earlier today). 
I hung out with Vic for a few hours and it was nice to catch up, but I was also feeling a little low (maybe the weather). We went to the cemetery and inside the little chapel with some amazing mosaics, and momentarily I felt a wonderful lightness in witnessing the human made beauty. 
As we talked, I realized I didn't have much to say, because I don't have a major project or a next step planned. I was talking a lot about what had been, and the understandings I've come to, and the things I am trying to remember as I go forward. I suppose we were talking about those things. It wasn't simply one sided.

The rest of the day has been very low key. I took a nap at my shaky desk, suddenly caught up in the need for sleep. I did some laundry. I made some food (probably the reason for the sleep).  I looked at my schedule for the next few days. I wrestled with competing thoughts of whether my relationship with Molly was positive or negative, not sure why I am thinking about this... maybe just because I missed her and didn't want to get swept up in fantasy or nostalgia, when the reality (sometimes hard to remember) is that despite whatever good times, or meaning I made of it, she wasn't interested in continuing. But I still have fantasies of getting an email, or a letter, or a phone call. Or having her show up at my door and say "Hey, I fucked up... let's figure out how to start over."

I'm recognizing a lot about her, in my hurt, in my growth, in my anger, in my nostalgia and love. I am recognizing a lot about myself, and what I really want. But I saw a couple doing laundry together and missed the companionship. Missed having a person. Thats a lot of it. I recognize that I have had this with other loves, who don't call me anymore and don't really call to me anymore either. That will be the same with Molly. I will move on, meet someone new, maybe have a better chance not so riddled with mistrust and miscommunications. But as is often the case, it's hard to move forward when you don't have a crush or a love interest to look forward to.

A coworker of mine got out of a (much longer) long term relationship at the same time I did. She has spent her nights partying. She acknowledges that it has impacted her work, and doesn't care, she is doing what she needs to do to not dwell. We are all so different, and so similar.

I am that kind of desperate too. I started meds. I am on my phone on average 3 hours a day playing stupid little games (usually while watching netflix or in-between visits). 
I can't even focus long enough to read a book, or write when I go to coffee shops. Maybe they are the wrong books. I am worried about December, but also hoping that the boredom or feelings drive me into the next thing. Because this isn't right... But as Vic was saying, maybe it isn't about what should happen, or trying to control it, but just saying "I could live with ------" and allowing that to be the standard. 

I could live with a month or two without work... if I felt like I was making progress on writing, growth, making friends, and finding a good job. 

I am done with work in a couple of weeks. 
I am already transitioning and closing folks, but its one of those things that was weighing heavily on me, and now I am kind of feeling relieved, and also feeling a little regret. Its not the right fit for me, just like Molly wasn't. But it had enough that I felt life was offering me something. Just enough challenge, enough growth, enough connection that I didn't run screaming... or just enough that I felt it was worth my time for a while and allowed myself to live and love the role. 

Thats the problem with Mike. I grow nostalgic even for the terrible things once I get some relief. 

There were good things. And I miss and will miss them. 

The Darkness

This week was hard. Last weekend I was too alone, and it was too cold. I haven't been able to go for the walks I might normally go on, the sky is gray, it snowed last night, and my job has gotten more stressful even though I am leaving in 4 weeks. I have told some of the families I am working with. A few people around the office know. But generally things are still moving forward as if they weren't gonna fall apart.

I just began the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron a buddhist nun. I just finished the book "Its ok to laugh, crying is cool too." By Nora Mcinerny.

Last weekend and at the beginning of the week, I fell into a depression. I was lonely, and couldn't find my own thoughts or voice, I wasn't sure of myself, I wanted to laugh, but kept crying instead, my thoughts swirled so much that I began feeling crazy. I couldn't remember what was up and what was down, and all I knew was that I was heart sick, and wanted someone to love me. Not any old person, but someone specific. I couldn't imagine getting through anything without the reassurance that Molly cared about me, and it felt so urgent that had to spend moment after moment reminding myself that I could urge surf through it. I was fine when I was with my clients, but almost every other thing felt stupid and I felt lost. I was irritable. I wanted to snap at people. I wanted to say, do you really think I have anything left for you right now?  The urgency of it, and my swirling thoughts, and my guilt, and my shame, and my self-belief that I was incredibly stupid for falling in love with someone who clearly didn't care about me drowned out almost everything. I began to have suicidal thoughts.
That really scared me.
I understood that they were thoughts of escape, more than a desire to die, but it was difficult to figure out reasons why I wanted to live, and that is a scary place to be.  I tried to practice gratitude. Or rather, I did practice gratitude, and it made me feel better for a bit, but this depressive mood continues to hang over me.
I went out and bought more vitamins, started using my happy light for light therapy, made myself walk to the store a couple of times because I wasn't getting my normal walk around the lake in, and reached out to a couple folks. I went to the doctor on Thursday morning before going to my own work of 3 long appointments with clients, and at the doctor I told the nurse that I was struggling with anxiety and depression, and when she read my blood pressure I began to cry and felt like I was gonna have a panic attack. She asked if we should proceed with the flu shot and the doctor appointment and I tearfully said yes.
For 20 minutes I sat around in the room and practice deep breathing, and tried to remind myself of what I was going to say to the doctor, and it kept making me cry. I felt defeated. I had to fill out a depression and anxiety scale. I had to admit to myself that I was miserable. I had to acknowledge that all the things I was doing to pull myself up weren't enough and I needed more help.
The doctor was nice about it. She understood and didn't stigmatize me at all. I listed off coping skills and things I was doing as if I was the healthiest person ever... and still had to admit that I was out of my mind. That all my head kept saying was "Reach out to her, or your life is meaningless."

I've been playing around with the ideas of co-dependency lately. I feel like my anxious attachment stuff is super real, but its hard to objectively state why I should or shouldn't feel a certain way.
I had a relationship that I convinced myself was going to be the direction my life was taking, and I put other things on hold to invest in it. It didn't turn out well, and now I am not speaking to that person because she doesn't have the energy to take care of my heart. It feels like I have been ghosted, but I asked her for the time away. The urgency and guilt and confusion, feel like I missed a dose.

I've been here before. Numerous times.  This is part of my pattern of love.

I know I need to do things differently next time, but I am unsure how to do that.
I fall in love with people. Recognize their humanity. Their soul. Forgive their mistakes easily. Take on too much responsibility. Struggle to let go, even as they push me away.

I need more practice. But each time feels like it makes it harder to love, I am afraid of being hurt.

I watched a series of videos that helped offer me some objective perspective (school of life), and it was great because I recognized that I was still trying to take control/responsibility for her actions, choices etc, and that ultimately that is not a relationship.  I don't want that. I got angry with her for a day -why can't you figure your own shit out? Own it? Talk through it? So I can forgive you for real, so that I can move forward or at least have an understanding of what the hell I've done with my life. As the video says, I keep thinking she is on the cusp of changing... because to me we had so many good times that it seems weird that she wouldn't want to keep that.  But maybe they weren't that good?  or maybe she has found something better? or maybe she doesn't believe she deserves better? --- I can think of 50 reasons why she can't or won't come back to me -all of which I would readily acknowledge and forgive in order to maintain some level of connection, but the reality is that it is her responsibility if she wants a relationship with me. If she wants any kind of connection, it is on her to try.
But, I don't need to blame her, either. I need to hold her accountable, otherwise it isn't a relationship.
I've decided I shouldn't reach out unless she does. It's really hard.
I need to love myself. Treat myself with as much compassion and forgiveness and love as I would her. But that's hard to do. It's really hard.

Humans aren't meant to live like this (isolated).
We are meant to be in groups, in families.
Our work is not meant to kill and deprive us,
it is meant to provide and nurture.
Everything in my life is slightly off.
I need a little help getting it back on track...
I'll have to work on it.