Thoughts I be havin

So I'm super tired right now from climbing the mountain yesterday and doing a bike tour today and also being a bit sunburned...

My horoscope this morning said something about not letting a person get me down, but I think in this case it was just me.  I've worked it out, I'm feeling better about the whole thing but there is still a missing component.  

But let me start from the beginning.

Today I woke up really early to go on a bike tour that had been recommended. 

I had a couple cups of weak coffee but by the time I got there I was still feeling drained from yesterday and exhausted. So this woman who also showed up  early asked me if I knew where to get some coffee and I didn't, but I followed her to the corner store and she bought me one. We chatted and I found out she worked with refugees in Canada- similar  population to the groups that come to Minnesota.  We talked about what we were doing and a few others things and somehow( I can't remember exactly) I told her about being picky and that it meow like a disorder than just being picky.  She seemed to be ok with this and took it in stride. She shared that to unwind she salsa dances and she is headed to Cali (the home of Colombian salsa).

The tour started we talked to other interesting people saw some cool stuff but halfway through the tour stopped for refreshments and again we chatted about areas of interest. She's a world traveler, has done all these cool things id love to hear more about etc. 

Later on the tour, the guide stops at a fruit market and offers the folks the opportunity to try all of these local fruits that seem really exotic to us. Of. Course everyone dives in and I sit back because a lot of them look gross and gooey and the people make faces at the tartness and just plain differentness of the fruits.  The guide keeps offering me and eventually i say I'm picky and sort of afraid. Which was worded poorly but describes the feeling of anxiety I have around food expectations when I have no desire to eat...  To which he continually replies well it hasn't killed anyone yet. In a well meaning but misguided attempt to alleviate "my fear".   This whole thing starts triggering me about the social anxiety that comes into play with this "disorder" and is the reason some people who have this never leave the house.

Anyway he doesn't know that but internally I'm fighting a small battle between other peoples expectations and my own perceptions.  I know logically these fruits won't kill or even harm me, but mentally and perhaps physically it would be excruciating.  It's an emotional turmoil that I don't think people understand.. It's why a former counselor told me to tell people I have food allergies instead of explaining it to people.

The bike tour - combined with yesterday's exhaustive walk up the mountain, tires me out and I feel my sugar level dropping and my introversion coming out and by the end of the tour I am ready to be on my own and eat comfort food... And just not have to deal.

The girl asks me if I want to have dinner tonight.  I remind her of my food issues and she isn't phased,she says - yeah I know I was just thinking that it might be nice to go to this area of town called zona rosa and have dinner and drinks.

The combination of the three things immediately flips me.  Going out to dinner  would have been an anxiety issue in itself but now I'm  thinking about this area with bars and dancing AND dinner with food issues AND I have to tell her I don't drink. And I'm tired and need lunch and I'm kind if crabby and I won't ever see her again after today and I tell her no.

She seems to understand. I don't ask for her email because we are traveling in different directions.

But as I walk away I'm beating myself up because I never take chances like that and then wonder why I'm lonely.

I think it through and recognize the problems my self conscious intuition was picking up... But still it felt dumb.   

I realize if she has said "hey do you wanna get lunch or coffee right now" it would have been a different story.  But she needed someone to go out to The bars with her... That isn't me. As much as I would sometimes like it to be. 

But I am definitely fiening... How does an introvert meet an outgoing awesome person who wants to be around an introvert?

-it's weird how my neurosis play out- sometimes in self protection, sometimes in harm.  I just wish I had better positive outlets so it didn't trigger the anxiety and shame stuff.

Legacy

As the time to departure nears, the lists get shorter, I see the people, I complete the tasks, I prepare, and stuff away the items. Its a procedural thing. An order to follow. An allotment of time and a goal to accomplish.

But these people keep grabbing and prodding, and jarring me from my course. 
And I like it, I love it, the outpouring, the hugs and tears, and the unquestionable sentiments. The desire to see me off safe, but with a bit of reserved jealousy, a little bit of frustration, a little bit of bite. They want to see they've left a mark. So they dig, and stab, and claw with such beautifully loving gestures... and I crumble just a bit. I crumble because I can't handle that level of truth without biting my cheek, without a bit of salty wound. 

I can't leave a robot. They won't let me, and it fills me with some big breaths. Some hard swallows.

But when I try to speak even a bit... to share with them back... it just doesn't come out the way it should. 

So I feel like I'm leaving without offering reassurances. Without people knowing the gifts they've given me have mattered, have changed me, nourished me for so long.

What is this tourniquet around my speech, this restraint...  
I feel like I am selfishly gathering the blessings and running away. 

Fbjdos

Hello...its2:42 am. And I am typing on my iPad.  Because my computer is backing up to a hard drive... Forever 

.  Lightning storm.  I wanna go to sleep.

TAken at my mamas house.

Enjoy urselfsss 

The week before...

I am not sure how big of a deal to make anything. Its 1:36 in the AM, and I feel the need to make profound statements... to make grand pronouncements of the future!
Like, in the future... I will live on nothing but potatoes!
or by the time I return I will have 13 children!
or I will know how to play the guitar!

but the truth is... I have no idea what this trip will contain, or who I will be, or what I will want when I return. 
I know the amount in my bank account. 
I know I am addicted to sugar and caffeine so a potato only diet seems pretty rough.
I know I haven't produce a kid yet, so 13 seems a bit indulgent. 
I know my longest friend got engaged this weekend... and that when he first called to tell me I was chatting with my Mom and told her I was hoping he was gonna call and tell me he was engaged. So that was good timing. 
I know she practice EMDR therapy on me while we were sitting on the couch, and the process seemed to work way too quickly... and reminded me of every time I have ever processed anything. 

I know in the past week I have felt really grateful for my friends and family. Which is something I feel really happy to report because I wasn't sure my robot self was gonna allow it. 

I know I am getting there... as far as this trip. It comes on fast and then slows down and then rushes forward again.  Its a week. 

I need to make some more lists.  Get some copies and things prepared. Move a bunch of shit to my Brothers. See a few people a few more times... pay some bills.  Make some videos. Finish a book.

Hope for the best. 

Thas all we can do right?

waterfalls and concrete hearts

Have they not taken care of you? Does the water not quench your thirst, invigorate your cells, pour from the sky to remind you of abundance? What reason do you have to doubt? To fear? Is there some torment you haven’t been prepared for? 
Your heart will break, as it should. As it must, in order to prepare for loving more fully. Ripening, seasoned, cooked to release the flavor and beauty of life. If you would have an understanding of abundance, you can’t keep a heart locked up. 
Where should this spirit flow without an open conduit? It will crash and crush your castle walls. Open and break, trust the spirit to help put you back together again. Ask. Or it will teach you to ask. 

I’ve been contemplating the value and philosophies of this trip. I’ve been acknowledging the rigidity of my heart and trying to reason it away. Small moments of recognition. Of feeling. Its hard to put into words, the effort it takes to allow myself to feel. A worthy effort, but difficult right now because it comes with such aches.

Concrete example: Two instances.
I was sitting with some of my co-workers post-graduation. We were at a bar and I was thoroughly in my head, imagining things. This is the place I have been recently, imagining possibilities and things that are not, might not, should not and will be. It was an eventful week obviously. I was officially unemployed as of that evening. I was no longer a member of this community in the official capacity, not a force to be reckoned with, not an advisor or guide, not a leader, just a was. I was trying to reassure myself and them that of course I would be in the next week. And I was. And it was reassuring to all of us. But it was difficult that night to say I am letting go. Because I wasn’t prepared for that. So I was in my head. And my coworker was crying. And I was in my head. And she wanted an arm around her shoulder or a hug or some comfort, and gladly another moved in. And I was in my head. Virtually paralyzed in doubt of what I should do. I knew what she wanted, and what I wanted, but I couldn’t act, or say… and I was in my head for the next hour when we were leaving… and I forgot to tip the server, and they called me out on it and I was shocked because the thought hadn’t even come into my head. It simply didn’t exist. I was already a ghost. I was in my head. I had no presence. And the shock was enough to reduce me to embarrassment and a little shame… but I couldn’t fully pull myself from it… just too much.

The weekend was lonely. It dawned on me that I was unemployed soon to be gone. I tried to do the things I should do. I read a lot. I wrote a lot. I prepared some. I went into work on Tuesday and Wednesday. On Tuesday my coworker and I went for a walk. And I explained some of this, letting my shell crack just a little. I told her I was overwhelmed and it was causing me to be very distant and I didn’t like it. When we walked back she said “I’ll spare you the hug” she was thinking of my boundaries, but not my best interest… I was paralyzed again. In my head the words “please don’t” repeated and repeated over and over, really for a long time after. But nothing came out. I turned and left and wanted to cry, but couldn’t because I was in my head again.

 I started sharing some of this with people throughout the week… and slowly gradually I feel the walls coming down, but it’s scary. I don’t want to be a robot. I’ve seen that side of me, but it hurts a lot to leave. I haven’t been satisfied here, because I have been dreaming, ever dreaming of something else. It has clouded my vision of what I have had here, and it has made me ungrateful and unworthy, and not very giving. It feels like I am leaving on a low point in my relationships which is not how I want to leave. But it feels safer for everyone.

On Wednesday night I hung out with a friend and the 2.5 hours seemed to pass within minutes. I was caught off guard when she said it was midnight.
Yesterday I went to see Minnehaha falls with another friend, we went out for coffee afterwards and processed a lot of this. It felt like a blessing. It felt like it was what was supposed to happen. It felt really beautiful and inspiring and made me feel grateful and blessed. The time passed quickly… maybe not the same way, but I was shocked when I realized it was 6:00 PM. Many of the topics that came up felt so right… she described these situations where she felt unable to communicate and I described the situation I had just had with my coworker and we both recognized it. While she was talking I was thinking about how that feeling is something I avoid regularly. I used to be a social person, shy but wanting to reach out, and I would get stuck in that anxiety that paralysis so I stopped seeing people who made me uncomfortable, I stopped putting myself in situations where I felt that anxiety coming on. Any situation where I would be bored, or unable to offer input, or in a place where I wasn’t sure –I just completely avoided. To people who are in my life but not necessarily extremely close to me, they recognize my ability to communicate with them and assume I am able to do that with everyone at any time. It just isn’t so.

My Dad suggested that I walk into situations with the confidence I have as a teacher. Whether you are confident in the lesson or not, you fake it till you make it and social situations can be that way as well… but I hate the idea of trying to make real connections with people while playing a role.
Furthermore I have had a lot of people call me out on being arrogant or a know it all when I approach using my teacher stance.

Anyway I find myself in this position right now where I am trying to open my heart back up to relating with people deeply… the biggest concern I am recognizing is that I fear what I have to offer won’t be enough… I just don’t know what my future holds so I worry I will let people down. I don’t take the moment for what it is, I worry about what it promises. I worry that I won’t be able to follow through on my promises to others or myself.
My friend asked me why I didn’t trust that it would all work out… I said it felt entitled to believe things would work out for me when they obviously don’t for many people… and she countered that I had prepared in all the ways I could… now it was time to follow through.

Identity

I am not sure what I want to say, which is a terrible way to start writing except, I have found that often what I mean to say comes with time.

So today I was thinking about the concept of identity.
It came up several times, in various ways without being specifically mentioned.

A friend called this morning and told me about a break up, and new job prospects, and the feelings associated with each.  I tried to see myself in the roles, and could for brief seconds of time, and then couldn't again. Like I was aware but not quite there... and part of me thought that perhaps I soon would be more in that line, and part of me thought I wasn't capable. How will you relate?

I had a conversation with my Dad while walking around the lake, he wonders if my social anxiety and the anxiety of my little brother comes from him. He retreats from social situations because he can't hear, and feels not only left out but embarrassed for himself and frustrated with others that the situation can't be made more workable... we got to a point where he was talking about how in a situation you have to make the decision of how you will react... and I said I face that quite commonly at work  and sometimes even enjoy the moments of embarrassment -then decide that I can handle it and continue teaching anyway... he asked why I don't approach parties or social gatherings from that angle and I said I didn't like the hierarchical approach, the barriers it created naturally. But the idea that it was a choice nonetheless remains.   How will you approach?

I was reading this book a student gave me. I sort of love it so far, but I am trying to take it a few chapters at a time and prolong the lessons... It is about a guy who goes and lives in a Mayan village (actually at the lake I was burned on).  It talks about his struggles, his successes and his learning process throughout, but there is this running theme throughout that he is only living into a preordained path. That the things that happen need to happen, that the places and positions he gets into are necessary for the path.  He almost dies in one of the recent chapters I read... by almost dies I mean he should have been dead, massive injuries, dehydration, sever sickness, burns... he should have died, he dreams of what death is like, and then as he puts it  he asks a lizard to sing him back to life.  The sequence he shares seems very similar to things I have imagined and I loved the imagery.  He gets put back together and goes on (I haven't read this part yet), to fulfill his path...
which leaves me with the questions of How will react?  and How will we know?

I was listening to the radio and this story was playing, the end result was that the people's stuff, their home and their memory was sort of lost... and it left me with this feeling of wonder because it seemed like our life's identity was so transitory.

I was thinking of my trip, trying to set intentions and every step feels like the right step, but it also feels like I am washing away possibilities.  How long? How much? When? Where?   I wish it were a little more spelled out.

I am caught off guard by the two aspects of myself that seem to be in contradiction on this trip so far...   will I be a teacher?  or will I be a traveler? 
Will I be in transit or looking to be part of a community?
I long for both, both seem like beautiful and good intentions.
I am hoping at some point they come into alignment so I don't wander frustrated from place to place.

The midnight thoughts

I've been trying to get to bed without my regiment of asmr YouTube clips... I have not made it easy on myself considering in the last few days I have been drinking coffee into the evening. 

Today I found out who the next program manager will be.  And I am excited and nervous about the future of the school.

I have just a few days left and a few tasks to push my way through... Graduation on Thursday.  I plan on stopping by for summer school to say hi to the kids so for most it's not a total goodbye. 

Same with staff of course.  One of my coworkers reminded me that I have been one of the only continuous men in her life these last few years.  I thought that was kind of funny.   

I've been worrying a lot about the trip, about conditions and bugs and crime and how to stay safe... Worrying about money and how to have a good time while also not squandering my resources - so that I can accomplish all of my goals not just some or a half assed effort. 

I was thinking today that it might be smart to start like an online book club so that I can have shared experiences with people back home and not feel too out of touch.  Maybe it will be a book, or a movie or a writing exercise where we each write a page and then co-create a story.  

I have felt very out of touch with people lately and it occurred to me amongst my worries that I haven't prayed, haven't thanked god for the people in my life nor asked blessings for them lately - well not in the way I used to... And that bothered me.  

I was discussing in my own head how much control I can give up to god and the universe... These worries don't help me - let then go.  The fear doesn't help me - let it go.  The loneliness and distance doesn't help me - let it go - or replace it with the feeling of connection I get from being thankful for having them in my life. 

I started thinking about some of the students I was going to miss, what it is that I would tell them.  Why I believe in them.  In the 50 projects I have in my head I think it might be nice to write a series of letters- maybe graduation letters for later.    I imagine for many of them by their graduation date the separation will feel pretty final. 

Oh well I can't control the universe.  

So illy since you are the only one I know who occasionally reads this. Any thoughts on a book club or something? 

Today Today The Art of such

I have things to do I swear. I have some work to get done. Some things to pack. A whole lot of lists to make... but today I sat in a coffee shop and wrote the first 5 and a half pages of some sort of spy novel.
I have no idea why this appealed to me, but once I started I had things to say and it came out.  I don't think I am a very good writer for things like this. I have an internal monologue as a narrator... I need to find ways to create the picture of the scene without describing it outright as if someone is describing it outright.

anyway the opening line is


“The unfortunate position Joseph Shif died in was not nearly as noble as the way in which he had lived” read the Eulogy. 

It goes on to briefly share his experience before death... then the eulogist's attempts to figure out who the person was.  The eulogist ends up playing the role of detective... -as the book would go on probably get caught up in a bunch of drama he is unprepared for. I am not sure where the ending would leave the audience... whether you would find out that Joseph really is a super boring, socially awkward man with OCD, or whether he was a spy, or whether he was neither, or both?  Maybe it would just leave you unsure to make up your own mind... but regardless the Eulogist would get caught up in what he thinks is some real shit.